destoroyah

Ohh, like the pictures. The pencil ones are very classic and seem to demonstrate more skill, but what I like more are the "simple" ones with color!! I don't know why.

ENTRY 11 - DAY 18: I have another anecdote from my early past. It was in the early years of school - elementary. Boys thought girls were uncool and kissing was "nasty". The girls were probing this new subject though and made a game out of it. All of them formed a group and they went out hunting us guys. When they caught us, they held us tight and then one of them kissed us. It was freaking stupid. At the time, I didn't give a shit about any of that, but I hated the idea of someone forcing me into a situation. When they caught me, I kicked the girl in the groin. The teacher went mad as fuck when he found out. He yelled at me: "Do you know where you're coming from? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM??!", I didn't think that I did wrong in defending myself, even against girls. But I didn't know that he was referring to vaginas so I thought to myself "From Hell." but didn't dare saying it and said "I don't know, sir." I wasn't really evil, but I liked provoking people when I felt OK about myself and being criticized for it. The above story is not an example of me provoking, but of my suppressed intention to. My childhood was full of shit like this, constantly, I think it might be the reason why I'm still standing. I wasn't really damaged by it, but my view on the world was a very dark one for long. Things have lightened up, I have sorta learned not to take everything - myself - so seriously. I have stopped pointing on people or things to blame and taken responsibility for my own faults. But I still endure a lot of shit silently, because society has taught me to. It's easier to say "OK." and go through all consequences, than to say "no, fuck you!" and have some retarded argument with a person that then seeks self-affirmation, "examples" and that has a lack of verbal cohesiveness, rhetoric and no ability to address ones own flaws. Fuck you. I've been hiding the last couple of decades, but it's okay. I can walk and I practice what I preach, and sometimes, when I'm not being a stubborn moron, some people seem to look up to me - when I look away. If I can manage to reduce endless computer-use, I might even be proud of myself - because I'd rip some shit and listen more. Quitting gaming itself is EASY but fixing all it fucked up is a difficult task to remain engaged in. I hate listening, I hate practicing. I've heard and seen it all!! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. Been told everything a hundred times, thought I understand, but when I pick up tools I'm totally confused. From the outside it looks (and even may be) the complete opposite, even IRL. Strange, huh? My view on myself is not real. I really need to listen more. I'm so busy bulldozing "my own way, the only way", that I lack some perspective. I picked up reading some of you guys' journals to practice writing a meaningful comment. I hope I can write more than "This is me. This is what I do.", someday. I really want to do my sports routine, but I'm still sick - takin' it easy. Zzzzz...

Ohhh, I sometimes listen to death fucking metal too. Nothing beats the first two albums by Entombed while taking a shower. I sometimes sing along. "Left hand path" is rather ego-strengthening, makes for a good morning ritual on days where I feel like a lazy dick. I also like Dismember and Vader. I think swedish DM has the best vibe - they're serious, but if you look very deeply, they're just fucking with ya, and noone understands. I think the genre is rather underappreciated and wrongly taken. The music is rather deep and requires a lot of "music-knowledge" to understand. It's a privilege to understand death metal. The lyrics are often about nihilism, being and nothingness, and very empowering and philosophical. Most think satanism, but... nah they're just joking - mostly. Which bands do you listen to (not only DM)? Curious!

Sleep rhythms depend on daily activities. The average humans' day length is 25 hours, that's why it's constantly screwed over. Here are some tips from me: Try to catch the sun at 12:00 am, helps calibrate and stabilize the rhythm.Late night lights screw it up.Sports help stabilizeDon't use laptops or smartphones in your bed, only use your bed for sleepingif you can't sleep, wake up for 15-20 minutes and do something relaxing - like reading outside of bed10 minutes of meditation before sleeping can help if "thoughts keep you awake", i recommend candlelight and a cool pillowcold feet impair the ability to fall asleep. sitting all day leads to cold feet, so does anything that impairs blood circulationa going-to-bed-ritual is good. as aforementioned meditation helps but also brushing teeth, putting on pajamas and simple shit like thatkeep some water near bedsee to it that you have clean sheets, change them every 1-2 weeks so that it's comfy and not fucking nasty. same goes for clothingdon't go to bed with clothes on that you wore during the day, don't put shit on your bed - like rucksacks or other people sitting on itI can wake up well with: totally stressful alarmclocks and radio news (radio news is pretty chill, you snooze about and get updated on shit, makes you feel sophisticated)

Slain demon's heads are good trophies for future battles!

Welcome. Yea, quitting games is adressing depression! Take responsibility over your actions. Might hurt at first, but you'll develop a good punch against those demons in life! Best wishes, don't hesitate to PM people.

Yea, stick to it and never surrender.

I wish you well. Uninstalling games is the first step. Pack all gaming related clutter somewhere in a box and hide it from sight - out of sight out of mind. The more radical you are about removing games - the more weight and momentum you'll have. Don't attempt to change too fast or it'll backfire. Stick to watching movies and series or writing for a couple of days and look out for alternatives. Get used to the change slowly. Oh and yea - all the limitations imposed by games are now history. I'm typing on a dvorak keyboard layout and I switched to a trackball to change the way I interact with computers. It kind of helped!!

Whoa. I guess cutting ties is sometimes a necessary thing, don't waste your time if you need to move on. The constant echo chamber may just drag you down! ...but still kinda sad to hear that. Good luck in your endeavors!!

Thanks Csaba! I'll survive this. I started using the tablet yesterday. It's cool! I've been drawing SKULLS. Fun fact: In kindergarden I was always drawing skeletons. Then they said "No drawing skeletons!" So I drew ghosts. And they said "No drawing skeletons or ghosts!" Then I drew Monsters. So they said "No drawing skeletons, ghosts or monsters!" They must've thought I'm mentally ill. ...and they were right!

I picked up drawing on a wacom tablet, just in time! Also I'm switching over to a trackball mouse and teaching myself typing on Dvorak - still. I am overencumbered. But yea, gaming still creeps sometimes, when i suck at everything.

Ahaha suckaz!! Feeling good and not giving a shit is the best revenge!

Ach, quotes. They are annoying, pretending to be always true. You gotta find your own truth, don't stress yourself being something you're not, seek in the inside what makes your heart beat and stop. If you're more the quiet sensitive type, keep it cozy!

You are right... ...creep around journals and crush dreams. ... uh.. I mean... spread love!!!

ENTRY 10 - DAY 16: You go down. Today I was lied to. I was thinking on how to handle it. I've decided not to. I know I should confront and play judge, if I were the man I should be, and I might someday, but right now I'm caught in my own problems. And accusing people via WhatsApp is not my style, only in a face to face conversation can I save things. I don't want to save things though, Integrity is a fragile thing. A glance can destroy it. It kind of hurts, I guess, as I surround myself with few I deem friends. Getting betrayed by those few will not help me be a more sociable and trusting person, but I shouldn't care. I can take the hit, I just don't hit back because I know: you go down. I'm not here to educate you. I shouldn't attempt to teach anything, everytime I have - shit hit me like a boomerang. Today I dreamt of being in a crypt, skeletons climbing out of coffins everywhere. I was meant to be scared but I was busy thinking about the loot. The drops they'd have up for me once I've crushed them. Gaming is creeping silently in my room. I need to keep aware. Also I caught a cold. Bad timing. Exams coming up, I need 110%... I'll hide in my room whenever I can.

ENTRY 9 - DAY 15: Cut me some slack. Stress stress everywhere, you push back in one front and three new fronts open in the rear. My life feels like a bucket of water too heavy to carry. There's holes everywhere, ya fix 2 and 3 new ones pop open. I'm not grown into this shit, leave me alone. Always nudging me. "Help me help me", "Do this better", "Work harder", "That's your problem" - that's what other people seem to say. Never help me. Only look me up, when they want something done. Not that I'm particularly good at getting anything done, I'm just the bitch who'll do it. I don't feel so well today... I'm growing tired of this shit. My poor heart wasn't made for this. Living seems so much harder than dying... eternal slumber, I can't wait to. Ach. But I still got some outstanding issues. Some open calculations, some things to prove. I'll never surrender! Villains don't die. I'll smoke their shit in a pipe, my ashes will extinguish their eyesight. When I'm spotted on the horizon, Fire is what you boycotted mufakkaz be baptized in. Destoroyah will destroy ya, You better call your lawyer. Shooting laserbeams, While you're faceplanted on YouTube streams, Watching lets plays, of a sucka playing kerbal space-, -program, Your parents should've used a diaphragm. When they conceived you, They wouldn't be so displeased now. Fuck practice, We'll just hack the matrix.

ENTRY 8 - DAY 14: Today I was indeed destoroyah. Started that paper I procrastinated about for 2 months and burned it. Totally destroyed it. Thought it was due today, just to notice it's due on the 31st.

My writing is fine the way it is - for my purposes.

Yea, you're right. I hate practicing. No chance. I'll just stick to whatever, something I enjoy.

I caught myself stalking on classmates - so I deleted that shit years ago. What a waste of time. It felt like a placeholder. I will rejoin, when there are more dead people on Facebook than living. I'll also propose that dead people have to update their pics. Brutal!!

ENTRY 7 - DAY 12: My heart feels like the big bang... ...like when we used to hit the bong. Unity. Maybe I should really write lyrics... but I'm always missing that final pinch of goodness, I rarely rhyme and my flow is odd.

Don't worry, I'll strike back in due time. This is just the setup!

ENTRY 6 - DAY 10: The winds are opposing me with force and if they weren’t there? I’d fall over because I’m busy bracing against them. I’d explode if I wasn’t under pressure. Eternal nothingness is on my side. Infinite potential.