Friday evening, September 19:
Since about 2.5 weeks ago, I've drifted back to a copy of the game that I've been addicted to. Aside from the three wrongs that gaming achieves (senselessness, unfulfilling time spent, and false confidence), I have been coming to understand errors in my life goals just that little more clearly - especially seeing more opportunities and ideas available when I am focusing on the offline world.
Things never truly go 'swimmingly' when I'm wading/paddling through in-game objectives, and while my offline experience still leaves a lot to be desired, my physical systems usually thank me for retiring from games (for part of, or a whole day at least). That is, all I have to do is regulate my breathing, heartbeat and mental dialogue. A lot of that simply goes out the window during online engagement. Plus, now I've tasted abstinence and a passable social life and made some positive memories of them, even the greatest in-game successes don't measure up.
Sure, I read, type and generally talk more excessively when keeping off of the computer during periods of quitting. But people can see that I'm making real progress of a kind - I sense it; they just haven't quite said it, outright. So when I'm occasionally disappointed in myself or others, and haven't been able to recall that moment where someone has said 'you're doing good/well', I think of all the fluid and competent games that I could play.
Maybe being an adult is about being cognisant of so many of the world's worries, and deliberately choosing to work at what reasonably falls under one's influence/control. One thing I am sometimes conscious of is a fine line between nagging and motivating - for example when as a kid, I used to ask every 6 weeks (sensing a pattern) when the gentlemen of the family would visit the grandparents next. I knew that my Dad both wanted and didn't want to go, but also that I could tip the balance in favour of it by choosing to be sincere. Yesterday, I could have pushed for/reminded him to come out jogging, as he did for me when I first got into fitness, but I know that he is still also his own relentless taskmaster.
Me, I have an appointment diary, but scheduling so that I 'waste absolutely no time' has yet to take hold. I realise that it could actually be good for me, as it was when I used to do math homework until appropriate bed/reading time. Back in school, it was pride in completing all set tasks and fully comprehending that I could finally spend time online - but perhaps only so I could help and include others. Living/spending so much time in my own space has whittled down such attitudes a bit. Showing up hygienically to the local library may be a good bet.
At least since I completed the levels on my official game of addiction, I have been 'feeling some of the magic' when away (case in point) from the customised, private server based on it. Only, I've been lagging behind in interpersonal contexts - some things have been hard for me to remember and 'follow', as thinking about the next gaming session looms in the middle-back of my mind, in the conspicuous absence of reading and reflection throughout the day.
Gratitude:
~ Tinned tuna (mackerel taste quality went down a bit, will revisit soon)
~ One month largely enjoyed without eating loaves of various bread, or wheat biscuits
~ Weekly time spent with a peer social worker
~ Not reading information/guides on how best to play at addiction-games at bedtime
Peaceful wishes to y'all,
~ Matt
By
wheatbiscuit ·
