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Saturday afternoon: I just read one of this weekend's insightful news pieces on the substantial percentage of people employed during night hours.  Since my medication changed, and I gave up my long-term evening job to make my personal balancing act easier (for awhile), I've all but forgotten what it was like to enjoy being awake regularly until midnight (or sometimes, 'worse'). I felt slightly disoriented after finishing the article using my phone. I quickly told myself that I'd been transported to a place where I really felt for those interviewed people, and my own experiences. For some reason, today I started to reflect on the length of my relapses. I wouldn't know that they were relapses at all, if it weren't for the vibes (albeit short) I get each time from downloading those game file, which I know means that I'm likely going to sink some time into, as opposed to propelling my life into a positive-looking future, like good music can. As an eventually internet-unruly teenager, I definitely downloaded my share of music - but that was because I was fascinated with the idea of how people of the 70s/80s/90s enjoyed particular rock/metal sounds. Again, I was transported. ^-> Anyway, since around May 2023, it was 5 months off games, and 5 months on - then down to a few months on and off. That has since decreased to 1 month, into a few weeks, and one week, of late. Yesterday, I both met a self-imposed, idle-game-quota by this same time in the afternoon, and easily opened two books and a magazine. I have been 'chilling' in a few areas that are for those playing without a paid subscription. What I've hoped is that I am returning to sessions that are easily parted from, regardless of how few away from high-levelled 'bragging rights'. I would like to truly take measure of the community value(s) held by those players remaining in the game But as I say, and we should all know; none of that is mandatory. The most important part of signing in to 'play' for me has been the privilege to observe, largely without being pestered for doing so, even with an advanced profile or two.  It's tough being me, but maybe everyone can say that. Whether we should have to is another matter. I could echo @DanielG in that I almost sensed a certain divine presence earlier today, at a supposedly low ebb. I thought in terms of perceived teamwork, as opposed to believing that I stood alone. I just don't believe in constant conflict/battles/warring attitudes like I used to think were how people got by. _________ All that as it's been, this morning was one that for me, I absolutely would wish on anyone to experience as well. I brought my flat shoes as extra to the park, and did a few different leg exercises while playing the first lengthy album I had the freedom to listen to as a kid. It was like forming a good as any memory from a similar time - unforced, and yet effortful.  But I was also reminded again of the possibility of seeing a planned/scheduled life as a valuable safety net, both during and after the fantastic-feeling morning workout. It may shame me to admit that individuals trying to remain strong enough not to need systems in place for them, sometimes have to admit that they aren't. The key could be having others we can admit it to. Thanks for reading, etc ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ The sun rose, and eventually came out, helping me to decide not to hole myself up within the walls of the gym today ~ Visitors came to my building, but not my Dad, as expected - it turned out not to be about me at all. The value in that was a shift in focus to someone else's problems, and even an apology for a disturbance two nights ago, which offered some explanation.  ~ My basic maths improved slightly, perhaps for last weekend's brief, curious dabbling ~ Choosing what kind of hot drinks to make, and at what time  

Hey everyone. I ended up relapsing a couple times since last writing in this public journal. A grand experiment to see if I could game moderately, which (surprise!) didn't really pan out. As I type this, I only have one sleep between the last time I gamed and now, despite the session lasting less than half an hour. Being shoved into a steep depression after being heavily medicated for a manic episode. A lack of diligence in maintaining my spiritual condition. A longing for community and a sense of purpose, progression in life. A lack of serious consideration to the long-term repercussions to gaming. Recognizing all these things, I believe I have a rough idea of the circumstances that lead up to my relapsing. This past week, gaming's lost a lot of its appeal and lustre. It feels like some of the ground work I've been working on with an addictions counselor has started to yield results. I've been following her suggestions to expand the daily activities in my life. Connecting with friends, going to AA meetings, and getting more physically active. When I was working with Cam, he had me do much of the same thing, as well as trying out new things to broaden my interests, get out of my shell. When I take the time to connect with God, He's still there. I have been finding more time to do so as a result of gaming less, and making it a priority in my life. His presence provides great solace and comfort. I am glad that my relapse did not sever my awareness of my connection with Him. It's a subtle thing these days. A quiet assurance in my heart. I have a Japan trip planned for October with some friends. I am looking forward to eating lots of delicious food and making memories with the gang. And maybe buying a new knife 😄. I have been revisiting some Pimsleur lessons to learn Japanese; I hope to have at least basic phrases for getting around when we get there. I'm not sure how frequent I will be with these journal entries. I'd like to get it going again, and perhaps keep to it a little longer this time. I think part of why I relapsed was lack of community around recovery from gaming specifically. Hopefully as time goes on I won't lose sight of that. Glad to see some familiar users are still active on the forums. Later days!

as stated writing a new plan for tomorrow. All the foods I have in my bag are allowed any furter updates are to be given after i go to the shop tomorrow or SaturdayI may also buy additional fruit or vegetables from my original schedule to eat wit te remaining fats if i go tomorrow on top of the ones already eaten because i didnt take any with me. this may also be adjusted during the day itself because if there are things from my original schedule that lack in the store i may need to replace them as i go with something with similar nutritional value note- generally i'd like to eat as much o the food as i may before the fligt to not go around with additional food outside of my bags and attract possible attention to my large quantity of bags  😉

“Sports give life and psychological comfort. We were closer to the dead even though we were alive. But when i returned to practice my gym training, I felt closer to the living than the dead, and the nightmares retreated a little” I read an account of one man stranded in a dangerous warzone, but he is not surrendering. I will control my social media use today.

Entry 20.8 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2764 (80th birthday)  Day 217: No Useless Videos Day 1049: Sticking to Food schedule Day 652: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 30: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - 1 pomodoro at the very least - Started packing suitcase - Afternoon workout 1 Thing I could do better - Having finished planning the week faster Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 218