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It's kinda crazy how caught up we can truly become in this imaginary world. I recently saw the tv show Severence, which immediately made my top 10 list. It explores the concept that humans can detach the healthy part of their persona and make it live a separate life in an isolated place, while the one carrying all the trauma continues life as usual, unaware of what is happening to the other. The idea is that, as long as we know that some part of us is living a happy life, we will accept that the other one is carrying the weight on their shoulders. But the problem then is that you cannot really separate a person into two different enteties, as they will most likely always find a way back to be together in order to be complete and to heal properly. Of course this made me think a lot about gaming, and MMO's specifically. I was not really aware of it at the time, but my life kind of worked like Severance. I woke up each day in this gray reality where I had barely gotten any sleep, where I dragged myself to a job I hated, and where I always felt exhausted and unfulfilled. But whenever the day was over I almost ran back home in order to log in to that imaginary world where my other persona existed. There I felt I had some sort of purpose; I was socially capable, I had goals, I loved exploring and I forgot about the hardships of life for a couple of hours. But just like in Severance I eventually discovered that real life had to be dealt with and I could not grow the other person while excluding the other - they both had to be maintained. But as I grew the person outside of the game I became more aware that this was the one giving me the most satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment in the end. Especially when I discovered love and I could see that the outgoing and loving person I was in the game also existed outside of it. In many ways I think love saved me from MMO's, because the connection I felt with my girlfriend at the time was WAY more potent than anything I felt when I gamed. It's perhaps the only thing in life that can truly make my mind completely forget about video games. 💛

I struggled with two major MMO's back in the day so I know how it feels to get lost in some of the more prolonged gaming experiences. I think any game however becomes uninteresting to me when there is nothing more to achieve. Sure, you can always create a new character, or go for the really hard achievements, but that to me just feels like squeezing the lemon for two or three more drops. My brain just doesn't seem to bother with anything that has become too predictable or unrewarding. I want to move on to the next "big hit", because I know it's always around the corner somewhere. The biggest challenge though with was the deletion of the persona that I created in that fantasy world. I had plenty of gaming friends who knew me as this warm and outgoing person online, which was the complete opposite of my real life persona. But ironically enough it was my friends who made me quit those games eventually, as I could see how much they sacrificed to be in that imaginary world. One of my online friends really got stuck in one of those games and continued to play many years after I quit, which made me feel really sad whenever I thought of him. I was out there getting an education, hanging out with real friends, and he was stuck inside grinding away yet another day. I met him at one time in real life, and he was such a fragile and awkward person. Some of it came across online, but I could never tell how serious it was until I finally met him. Whenever I think of the extent of the issues that games can cause I always tend to think of him.

Tuesday morning: A lot of people have said that multi-tasking doesn't work or exist. It seemed possible as a young person because the only requirement to get by/through school etc. was reacting (in most cases) or responding (the rest) in a semi-complicit way, as we did what we felt we needed to do to stay happy. My last response on the forum was the first thing I did today, so it was easy to focus on. Then, I worried too much about how an early-morning workout would go, and did a walking circuit instead - putting it off until lunch, when it's less crowded and I might be more awake. To fill the time between then and the end of my walk, I have a series of calls to make, and the option to semi-enjoy some time on the game. Last night, I was reading Quora, and found a lovely answer, and then the person's profile. I formed a mental picture of their motivations, and one was something like I imagine our Yan's to include; trying hard, seizing opportunities, and admiring the same in others. The only con I thought of was chasing too many trends, perhaps in order to meet people and stay popular/relevant. Other criteria were also met. Anyway, it seemed like when those few things are partaken in, with responsibility, a person is well on their way through to adulthood. I've done a lot of things in life out of order - properly, but rearranged. I've been saying to myself sometimes that I simply understood situations faster than others and thus was free to make my own choices. But, if it came to responsibly leading a group through a task, could I stand up and follow standard procedure, while motivating each person to the best of my ability, when put on the spot? A lot of situations seem to call for that (whether or not on me), but usually most involved are able to dust themselves off and plod further along. That's nature, but is it responsible? My 'solo' game profile was like an attempt at playing my problem game 'responsibly' if that, like multi-tasking, is even possible. Because re-reading novels and information is good for me, but doesn't make me feel like I can manage real problems any better, when initiative has to be taken/is called for. I still relied upon patience and timing during my detox, to act, and a lot of chance is involved there too. I just don't want to burn out for no reason trying to be responsible. Is that a chance that always has to be taken, with trust in everyone else to do the same? I imagined the Quora person scheduling and organising things like those I wrote down for myself to carry out today, without a moment's hesitation, yet understanding any delays. Then, I would have to calm myself and clean and tidy up, or failing that, bother more people and risk mania, or something. That's a concern too. There's all of that, and then there's balance, which actually sometimes feels meaningless - always unfailingly checking one's gut before any momentum can be built. Well, I'll let you know after. Peace guys, Edit: I am proud of myself for getting to the gym and back with no problems, even though I didn't lift much (but decent stretches), and I fixed 2 out of 4 phone calls - but the other 2, I'm hoping for some more processes first. It was just good to do what I said/planned I'd do, and not actively surrendering as I go online to play, view or type. I'll try to do more of that. Edit 2: I think a miraculous mix of internal and external events have occurred - I actually don't want to engage with that game anymore. I've done it all; I'm all set to click on nothing. One of my health supports called me right after finished giving a last miniature game event (that I thought 'too annyoing') a try. I immediately told her (how I was going) that it was 'nothing heavy' (the truth, close enough) and received the reply that enjoying playing it was OK as long as it wasn't too much time. My time spent would be up in the top quadrant for sure, and the relief that came with the guilt just now was enormous. Like, we covered everything and listened to each other, all in ten minutes! Don't stop posting, guys. 🫡 ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Braved the deliberate choice to safely walk at peak travel time, with earphone music, and only one or two 'near-misses' ~ A return to drinking a cup of tea first, instead of cocoa ~ An exploratory-only trip to the library, reminding me instead to be happy with the books I've already got to read ~ General clarity

One game, since right before I was a teenager. It was at first a fantastic pastime and a way of discovering over and over again what I could and couldn't control (reliably). Possibly any curious-enough person could guess the name of it (it would be like saying 'Voldemort' out loud when out amongst people who've feared a same or similar thing for years, at pain/risk of death - just a little), but I would not recommend at all that anyone start playing it now as a newbie. At times, I've been completely lost in it. On ADHD, to frequent re-assessment (but not quite regret), I recently ignored an acquaintance who owned up to having a cocktail of conditions, including ADHD. It was a disturbingly consistent lack of preambles and affect (reactivity - even in kind words) that blocked out a lot of the light that would have helped people to see him better, I think. But to his credit, I couldn't conclude that he hadn't spent most of his life trying to be better, fit in and take care of himself and others - to do what he could. For me, it was unhealthy to keep using my brand of encouragement to make him try in an obvious way (it could have got him a girlfriend, you see, which he clearly wanted/needed). ^-> I guess what I'm getting at is that ADHD might be one thing that is more worth trusting a medical team to help remedy with you, with talk or medication, rather than symptoms of the internet that a lot more people might share. As for having a way with words, well, I've mainly wanted to provide novelty with my points of view so that people get more out of their periods of reflection as they read/listen. It was done for me, in fiction novels (and by nature), so why not give back where it's most comfortable? Again, one thing I've heard from tolerant people is that people with ADHD 'have no filter' - like enforced honesty, forthrightness, and perhaps obsession. I don't know, my symptoms there are usually under control over time. The posts you make tend to have numerous insights as well, and sometimes eerily so! 🙂 While it pays a ton to know yourself, knowing the effects/appearance of your behaviour/choices when not locked into a game, or even work, could be underrated for many. Until next post, ~ Matt

Watching a couple of these videos has got me wondering if I have ADHD. It's been circling in my mind for quite some time, but it feels like I can see myself more clearly than ever before. Probably because I've taken a step back from so many less productive activites lately and dared to confront myself with more than just the video game issue. I'm gonna see if I can get an appointment soon and get some professional input. I'm open to anything at this point, as I feel more lost than ever in whoever I'm trying to become. I just can't seem to understand how to set my boundries properly, beyond the obvious stuff. On a sidenote, I really like to read your well put answers. You have a way with words that speak a lot about your deep insights and your literacy skills. I'm curious btw, are you struggling with one specific game or several?

Time for a mid-year check. I've been struggling with some relationships and gave it till mid-year to tide over. The changes I hoped for did not actualize, requiring contingency plans. Struggling with motivation has been a constant in my life, alongside staying committed. Even if my relationships don't improve by reaching my goals, I might develop more independence. I used to believe dopamine was an obstacle, not a tool. Namely, I thought it surfaces after events happen, not drive their fruition. I am more compassionate to myself regarding it, realizing it's neither inherently good nor evil. I've also discovered that comfort isn't bad when derived from self-care. (Proper meals & grooming) External progress might not be evident yet. However, I am relieved to no longer be at odds with myself. If I stay astute, progress might be smoother than using brute force.

Monday midday: The last two times I caught the flu, in 2022 and 2023, I actually read Stephen King's 'The Stand' those two weeks - a fiction novel about a 99% deadly super flu. No one actually said it, but I surmised that at least a few thought that was madness or torture to do. I however, found it peaceful, knowing that a writer could come up with and sustain a story like that, during ill health or otherwise on their own. Somehow, if the flu had finished me off, I would have had all of those endearing fictional characters in mind, and consequently may not have minded; I was already sick and either destined to recover or not recover. I did get better though, and the first two gym workouts and walks after it were like the first breath of life. Basically, a lot of things, even health, could be said to involve doing things that could be considered madness. I've got Harry Potter 5 still 1/3 read (and there are very few surprises now), as well as 'Outside the Gates of Eden', which to me has been honest but shallow/not poetic enough. 'The Stand' was fantastic, not only for its story and characters, but also because I had my Dad's hard-cover copy both times. I imagined he or my mum holding and reading it in other hours of solitude. Now I know I could probably buy my own paperback copy after a 15-20 minute walk, and try to 'level up' on that book and re-live at least one year when all I wanted to do was be healthy again, but would it liven me up for another week and keep me away from games? (I didn't have the heart to pursue any goals except reading/eating/texting at the time). Did I give up games at a time when a copycat version and a former ally let me down on numerous counts, or did I simply sense madness setting in? Again, now I've come to it this past year or two, a lot of things have seemed mad - traffic, hostility, repetition, and my own regular experience of my condition. I did just finish watching 'Planet of the Humans' on YouTube - Jeff Gibbs - and his closing line was 'if we don't get ourselves under control', then.. *cue devastating ten-minute scene*. What I find when reading 'the right book', like The Stand was, thrice, is about 3x as many things and plans are considered in my mind, all behind the double-safety of a cluster of pages. Yes, whenever there is senseless loss detailed on those pages, I've put them aside for a few moments and demanded of thin air that 'the story' be 'less f'ed up', but I forgive it eventually. I think that could be an important ritual, finding mental limits safely in such a manner. There's nothing quite like looking at a person I don't know, and finding that I accept the data of their appearance as openly and readily as a cautionary or even visionary tale. What matters is that I feel calm when that happens. Too much of my favourite game runs on chance, and while the psychological translation of that in the offline world can mean acceptance of deviation from the usual phrases and movements in conversation (at the gym, say), you could say that I still find that a little bit mad. I flatter myself that I've tried being a robot, and has sometimes worked in my case. Maybe it depends on what I ought to be mindful for - because I've come to really dislike forgetting why I've done certain things, such that it's like a value to uphold as much as possible in individual life. I may need the right words from a book or a calm speaker, but madness is like being unable to ever choose between familiarity and upsetting new information: wanting both, at the same time, always. 'The Stand' almost delivered each of them, with its characters versus their particular story. But finding those books/people is the hard work that, for some reason, it's like I'm meeting resistance in the search. The flow of reading and planning seems to be elusive. Planning is becoming almost non-negotiable, like fairness or kindness at the moment. Today, I compromised between jogging alone/asking my Dad to join me, after our miscommunication last week, and walking - a 90 minute walk with 60% music. But finding the joy of the world turning beneath my feet and pacing quickly and steadily over it on a jog, I didn't end up experiencing. It has flow-on effects, if at the same time life tolerates you as a whole person. 😄 Lots to think about, but at the same time, things are moving along anyway. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Sweating in warm winter weather ~ Really enjoying the music playlist I spent 2 hours adding to, one night, months ago ~ A friendly dog and happy parents with children ~ Recognising when I could be about to trap/trip myself up in an activity

Entry 6.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2771 (80th birthday) Day 172: No Useless Videos Day 1004: Sticking to Food schedule Day 607: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 155: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 75% effort long run 2h 50m despite high sleepiness - 4 pomodoros - Writing an overview of all the options of open junctions to Veronica 1 Thing I could do better - Print daily food plan pages Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 172

Sunday: Not a lot of problems presented themselves today; maybe as I woke up right before 6am again, focused and refreshed. There still wasn't any complete avoidance of discomfort, even clicking on imaginary trees and wood onscreen, throughout. I pushed myself outside a second time with summer clothing on, a little tightly-fitted but I said 'screw any external perceptions of the choice' and walked well for ~45 minutes. Now I am a little pepped up on a second cocoa - maybe I'll pay again for that, maybe I won't. Just glad it went okay and better than many Sundays past. Maybe it's because I spent most of the day feeling sorry for people I didn't know - who couldn't/don't directly wreck things for me - on documentaries. It wasn't all about long-term health though, perhaps; I had something like excuses for not asserting myself where it might have brought me peace/pleasure (I don't think they should mix too often here), as that may be destiny. I tell myself I'm being realistic and practical rather than reacting instinctively with a lot of guesswork. Gratitude: ~ Good weather mostly, and not getting full rain-pour on the morning walk ~ Trip outside #2 instead of napping and feeling restless before proper sleep later, like yesterday ~ Feeling in better tune with surroundings rather than shutting them out ~ The righteous sin of opportunity-consideration on game profiles I don't know what my mind will present me overnight without forcing anything, but I wish all of you guys good luck. ~ Matt

Entry 5.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2771 (80th birthday) Day 171: No Useless Videos Day 1003: Sticking to Food schedule Day 606: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 154: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - Keeping my output goals which I used to write to the mastermind in a new document - Starting a Trial on StoryLearning - Writing a summary of the lesson to Veronica 1 Thing I could do better - Make 8 hours of sleep a priority once more Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 171 (The previous post is 170)

Entry 4.7 (Written on 5.7 - seems i missed the entry....? or the forum is bugging....) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2771 (80th birthday) Day 170: No Useless Videos Day 1002: Sticking to Food schedule Day 605: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 153: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 4 pomodoros - Evening workout - Finishing my "Homework" that I've set for myself and viewing the 2 exam videos 1 Thing I could do better - Make 8 hours of sleep a priority Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 169

Saturday evening: Not long ago, I read a news piece about a recurring subject of 'men being 'in trouble/left behind''. One thing the contributor tried to communicate was 'When you start blaming others for your problems, that's when you've 'lost the script''. However, he lost points with me for tangentially suggesting a requirement that each person (man) be able to justify their existence. I've started off now too sincerely, so the angry tool in my toolbox was glowing up at me - anyway, as an addict might do, I did want to espouse one benefit of the re-release of the childhood game of mine that I'm still giving time over to, and say that it enabled reflection and analysis, enough that I started questioning things and people around me. This is significant because I found myself momentarily in front of my mother, in some deep yet casual conversation. I don't remember what I was saying, but I distinctly remember her asking me back, "You mean, I should stop thinking that the world revolves around me?" I was 19 or 20, yet I was horrified at this, after the months of online reading into the NPD that I supposedly had/was branded with by my ex. Aside from all of the nonsense my Dad spouted over the years, I thought inwardly, 'These people/this person was trusted to raise me into a societally responsible being?' Thus, the finger(s) of blame. ___________ Two other people that I've never met, who surely would have been at odds with their main respective lines on life, nevertheless shared (somewhat) a view of eternal responsibility - that is, holding ourselves accountable for all deeds since birth, and perhaps even in previous lives. I won't go further into that today. One of these individuals clearly hoped that his relevant work would prompt a dramatic turnaround in many people's lives, by the explanation of a person 'choosing the easy option' their 'entire' life''. He valued intelligence, and intelligence sometimes suggests that saving effort could be a better decision, at times. Anyway, perhaps he simply meant 'from a young age', or the realisation of consciousness that comes anywhere between the ages of 1 and 6, I guess. It probably ties in with learning speech. Me, I don't think that I had many problems until the family relocated overseas. This is a matter of positive or negative choices of reframing, but if I had to play both sides, I'd say that I felt both encouragingly challenged and yet coerced to follow around at the airport. Yes, I remembered such a scene and emotion clearly from anywhere from ages 3 to 7. Again, with the condition(s) I believe I was born with, I might now try to point blame, but I still don't know what good that would do, unless it consolidated what friendships I have within the family somehow, in conversation. ___________ Like I said this week, I rarely feel low/prompted enough to get these things out face to face with people, and maybe I use torturous workouts and gaming sessions, or even abstinence to get myself there. What's important to me is that I know what to work with in the future and what not to. In the meantime, I choose not to repeat mistakes in day/routine-planning, like going out at night with a poor mental state. Alas, it is a Saturday night, but this has been stimulating enough. I had an hour of sleep in the afternoon, so maybe I'll have the same bedtime as most people tonight (9-10pm to 6-7am). It helps for me to feel in sync in some ways at least with many others. The rest of my family, I don't know. Peace guys, ~ Matt

Huh, it really seems odd. I think wrote something different, maybe the forum is bugging out a little or maybe I'm just being stupid. I meant to write it was good advice 😄

@Ikar did you quote my post by mistake? 🙂

Early Saturday morning: Yes, as soon as both of my music and my regular game are on, I am basically shutting out reality - or at least, the reality/gravity of what bothers/moves me. It's also doubly hard when what I type/text thoroughly is almost completely ignored, in the case of my explanations of negative feelings to people I care about. After 80% of my text message to my Dad was done, I said that I hoped he felt better after our failed meet-up as well. It was either the easy option, or scarier still, the natural option, for him to say 'I'm fine, I'm just this way, and thanks'. Aside from the potentially obvious (making sure the next tone set would be all about him, overlooking my description of misunderstandings of the kind being 'exquisitely painful since forever'). I've forgotten how to finish that last sentence re: grammar, but I don't want to choose anger. Perhaps I'm understanding that in the absence of immediate danger, 'reality' just doesn't set in for many people I know, despite claims to being 'usually factually correct', or calm as a cucumber. Big deal, right? 😆 When I read some posts here that help me to see the bigger picture for our society/world, I feel better. I can see outside of myself on a few occasions each day, but maybe just to support a worldview, years ago I started maintaining to myself that the most meaning in life is derived from strong connections to living beings/things, going as far as saying 'the' meaning. It's been mostly healthier than constant conflict, but when I've felt cornered increasingly (which is an unreasonable goal for too many people a situation to impose on others), the available flight response seems a lot less so. More recently, I've been trying to relate better to myself, but that, on the other hand, seems less revolutionary when I learn of most people trying to do the same. Is that the new definition of success, as unhappy world news is more prominent? I would guard against associating contentment with one's self to attempts at measuring success that way. I am sorry, but I had to work at this post as I clicked over a small game scene; otherwise, it would be less honest and more of a show of a shadow of honesty. I used to say it was for everyone's benefit, but perhaps it's been reality-avoidance. On that note, I want to simply make light of the twice-repeated notion that people not paying attention (impossibly) to my father's perceptions of reality and thoughts are in fact, ignoring reality by choosing to wear earphones during travel - if I were seeing through a protective lens of anti-narcissism, as I often am. Again, I am trying for humour instead of anger. Well, that's all. Thanks everyone. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Waking up before dawn but feeling like I actually got as much sleep as possible ~ A gym visit yesterday that happened despite a nervous moment, being with a new peer ~ Easy bathroom visits ~ Some living space cleaning

Everyone has hardships. Do not allow this to become your excuse. It's okay not to know how to be independent and lose the phone less. That's why we're all here for. But my advice is not to stop at this. My advice is to not say "I do not know how", but to ask "how may I do that?" Because that is indeed an obstacle to your real goals, the "reality avoiding activities" like gaming, social media, movies, etc. I can relate, perhaps I was in the same position a few years ago. Once I quit my toxic relationship with games, I suddenly noticed all the other toxic relationships I was in. School and family weren't exactly helpful at the time when I was gaming either. You actually already figured out what to do - to find a job. It'll help you gain more independence from your parents, because then you can choose not to be at home with them. Maybe some welfare housing benefits could help out too. Maybe the new job and the new flat will suck, but it will at least give you some perspective and help you realize you don't have to live with your parents forever. Good luck and let us know!

I'm gonna start with the end of the video you posted, almost - where the interviewee/'answer-giver' says that he missed an award to be presented to him, because he didn't know his grades, other than non-failure, and was maybe content with the effort he was putting in. That's where I liked the direction of the interview going after the first hour. Not that you should feel honoured - especially given what forum we're on - but I've stopped short of an in-game goal to give my honest opinion after finishing the video, before I fizzle out/reach basic contentment again. Here are 7 notes I made: 1) Considering factors of perfectionism and distress tolerance in wellbeing. 2) Considering emotional regulation and the acceptance/choice of discomfort as 'skills'. 3) Consider action for habit development, but inaction for habit-breaking. 4) 'Emotions do not cause unhappiness; things associated with emotion cause unhappiness'. 5) 'Technology has led to more activity/desire; boredom is simply the brain trying to calm down'. The last two are personal experiences related to the topic of the video: 6) Some of my past contingency planning involved what was once callously called (and quietly agreed upon) 'the biggest absolution of responsibility' - which simply meant confiding in family with serious problems up-front. The video made me wonder why that was, and more to the point, how those team members managed to make it into mental health, or even why they wanted to. I was actually so happy at the time that I couldn't find it in myself to be angry at anyone, those first 12-18 months of medication-taking. I guess that kind of makes it into the interviewee's time-frame for it. Perhaps I wasn't giving the professionals succinct and satisfying enough answers. 7) I should attest to both my father and I's experience of excelling because we were once content with our educations, not because we knew we were on track to the highest grades. Academia or no academia, I have more hope now for that sort of feeling in the future, however it comes. Thanks for posting, Wilder - I used to watch these kinds of videos with my full attention (I clicked very passively during this one), but was angry with myself, I guess, for desiring the lessons to be learnt quickly/the video to arrive at a point suitable for me immediately. Good luck. ~ Matt

Entry 3.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2771 (80th birthday) Day 169: No Useless Videos Day 1001: Sticking to Food schedule Day 604: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 152: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 4 pomodoros - Morning jog - Decided for good and for worse to stop the SPI subscription, thus saving 200$ which I may use for German, etc. In any case, I think I am already not focused on taking the most advantage of the membership, and 200$ quarterly just for the mastermind is a lot for me =/ 1 Thing I could do better - Reduce the quinoa to a small fire and if it may burn a little, let it be. It's better than staying there and just watching it 15 minutes. Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 169

Everyone has hardships. Do not allow this to become your excuse. It's okay not to know how to be independent and lose the phone less. That's why we're all here for. But my advice is not to stop at this. My advice is to not say "I do not know how", but to ask "how may I do that?" Because that is indeed an obstacle to your real goals, the "reality avoiding activities" like gaming, social media, movies, etc. Let me know if this makes sense. If it doesn't also let me know 🙂

Being off social media for a couple weeks now made me realize I'm not lazy because of it or video games. It also made me realize I'm not even lazy. The reason I spend a lot of time on my phone is because it is my response as I live with my toxic controlling parents. I'm currently trying to get out by applying for jobs but the job market is really bad rn, so it's been hard. My mind truly wants to do random shit and live life outside of a screen, and do whatever I want. But it's hard when I have parents who breathe down my neck and judge me whenever I do something they don't approve of or criticize me for making a mistake. I don't really know what I can do right now to be independent and use my phone less while I'm stuck in this toxic environment for the time being.

Food schedule update 3.7-17.7 (Not including 17.7-Thursday): Everything remains the same except for: 1. Cranberries 15 daily added instead of 15 dates total 100g per week when cooking. 2. Coconut oil on the long run days 65g instead of 60g 3. Almonds to be added 10g daily as i keep increasing my physical activity 4. Day order may be changed, if that happens, the biking day I shall eat like the jogging day + add 30g olive oil if I do 4 hours 5. Any changes may be added if i forgot something until the end of friday Clarification 06.07: Since number 1 is really unclear, I mean, are the Cranberies added or are they replacing? Are they only added when I'm going to cook, or am I going to have to add them to the already cooked dates? I'm clarifying, they;re going to be REPLACING the dates 1g per 1g, and that isw going to take effect since the next cooking

Thursday, July 3 - I suppose Friday is a big day for some of you, I dunno. In case I'm not at my computer then, have a good time! There was a primordial misunderstanding of whereabouts between my Dad and I yesterday, and if I couldn't fathom any better description of the problem that may exist only between the two of us, I'd say that my determination to be calm made him even more flustered for travelling extra on foot and locating me. I, on the other hand, was ready to slowly walk home, meetup or no meetup. Perhaps all of this had already crossed his mind before he crossed the street, spotting me before the reverse - but as I say, I was hardly trying much. All of my usual mental defences/walls went up for the next 24 hours, and in the meantime, I completed a long game quest under circumstances that I hadn't touched in nine years, I was constantly wishing that all of the misunderstanding(s) between us never happened, and that we could be truly good friends. Sometimes in these moments, I think of profound phrases that might support strong clarity and boundaries, but I rarely get a chance/feel low enough to utter them. I just gave one a try as a text message, and since I intend to refuse (as long as I have the capacity to do so) to have text message standoffs on a phone. They just don't work, from what I've seen. So as of today I feel pretty knowledgeable in how the gaming profile - that I've played the most of since January - would be like for future 'quests/grinds'. I will be properly happy if I can steer clear effectively of the choice of anger for the longer-term, spanning most of my daily experiences. Over the last day, I simply gave hurtful feelings no breathing room, and planted a resolute smile on my face. It sucked, but it worked for awhile. As a closer look, I'll share one repeated inner statement - 'I will not accept any further challenges from you.' Obviously, that was just for this morning, in practice - but I could simply add 'right now' for the future. I've thought ahead to tomorrow morning regarding gaming, and should now try to put effort into remembering other various concerns over my next few hot drinks. That's all for now. Cheers. ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Stopping and thinking clearly a few times at gameplay, and making the journey slow and smooth ~ Mike Oldfield music in the background, and music favourites whilst out walking ~ A good tone set with my would-be boss, though the kitchen found a full-time candidate before my part-time ~ Earphones worked underneath beanie

Entry 2.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2771 (80th birthday) Day 168: No Useless Videos Day 1000: Sticking to Food schedule Day 603: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 151: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small - 1 pomodoros (better than 0 I guess? =/ Day two under 4 pomodoros. No more of those are accepted - Afternoon workout - 5 minutes of Unconscious problem solving to decide whether to leave SPI membership 1 Thing I could do better - After 2 or 4 hours I might have woken up already, the sleepiness afterwards was just an illusion caused by the closed drapes. (I ended up oversleeping 6 hours more than planned) Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 168

I watched a great video yesterday with a conversation that really stuck with me. It's in essence about the feeling of happiness, and how we in modern societies have fabricated happiness into a desire that has to be chased and collected. In reality however it might be the other way around; happiness comes when there is no longer any desire, when we get freed from the chase. And this of course translates to activities such as gaming where we are caught up in a fantasy of always chasing the next big sensation, never feeling fully satisfied. The ultimate question then poses itself: if we teach ourselves to feel happy and content in our most passive state, will we not then gravitate away naturally from these activities that so often comes with a false sense of fulfillment? Video games to me just seem like one piece of the puzzle. It is a sympton of a larger issue, which seems to derive from the constant chase for happiness. Remove games from the equation, without dealing with the root causes, and another desire will most likely only present itsef. We are so caught up in this strive for constant betterment and perfection, where everything is some kind of promise of a better tomorrow. In the process we seem to lose track of the present and the marvelous sensation of just existing, without constanly moving forward.

I'm using the template I used the last time. 27/5/25 - 30/6/25 "L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless. I will also use different colors: blue for newly added goals/habits, green for completed/successful, orange for ongoing/some progress and red for ones I haven't worked on in that period. Books/Reading articles/Learning: L: I didn't finish "The Selfish Gene", as it just didn't interest me enough. I started "Parkinson's laws", a small and funny book. Read on Reddit about finance and English teaching again. T: Finished Parkinson's book and started "Getting to Yes", a book about negotiation rules and techniques. Read on Reddit about finance and English teaching again. Possible direction/goals: (Borrow) and read one book until the next monthly report. Family: L: As I wrote last time, the kitchen is indeed 95% finished. My plan is to go there with my friend on Saturday and to finish the rests of work. I wrote about the all-family experience above on April 16, but there's one more thing that came to my mind: I've always perceived my father to be extremely independent, micro-managing but competent. I think with age however, he is becoming more irritable, perhaps rash, and less competent. He assembled the car vacuum cleaner for my girlfriend and I, just so we won't do it wrong. OK, fair, but when he was disassembling it again after a while, he loudly asked who pushed the hose so hard into the cleaner. My girlfriend and I chuckled 😄 T: We had two work sessions with my friend this month. I expect one more, but it'll really be the last cleanup session. I'd like to say that I am happy, relieved or in general something positive, but nothing really comes to mind. I'm just numb in this regard. Other than that, I only spent time with my mom during her spa stay. NOT: I don't want to get alienated from my family. Possible direction/goals: Work on getting the new kitchen for my grandma. Continue work on maintaining the relationships with my family. Business/English: L: So I've successfully completed the lecturer course. Now I only have to use all this knowledge and skills in practice! I definitely have many ideas for the future. I finished the rework of the table for students, now I only need to let them know 😄 The work is still ongoing on some pricing changes, as well as on my website. T: The work is still ongoing on some pricing changes, as well as on my website - pretty much the same. I also have a lot of my students on holidays, but I don't mind, as I can use the time for other projects. I haven't been bored so far and I'm catching up on other things. NOT: I don't want to have a job that I don't enjoy. I don't want to have a job that is not well paid. Past projects: Copied to a Google Doc to keep this less cluttered. Current projects I'm working on: Website improvement project - since August 2024 lecturer trainings - ENG business February-May 2025 55 minutes F2F lessons (+ online reminder too); pricing updates Areas to work on continually: English table update - check every now and then for improvements Keep classes at a stable 20-25 hours a week. Keep asking for reviews or recommendations from students. CELTA colleagues calls. Go through "lecturer academy" + CELTA materials + lecturer course. Exercise/Movement/Health: L: I haven't stretched in a while, but I still keep on doing some running and some strength exercises. I even bought weights. My girlfriend and I went to some hiking and cycling trips too. I've been lazy about flossing though. Went to my GP yesterday, showed him the cardiology results and my blood pressure measurements. I also realized I often get headaches 1-2 days after a day of heavy physical activity. I need to be more mindful of relaxing properly afterwards, alongside with drinking and eating well. T: Overall, I managed to exercise in various ways 2x-3x per week this month. I also took part in two running races this month. I'm quite happy with the results, even though I was a bit slower on the 4 km this year 😄 2024: 4 km - 18:40 8 km - 45:17 2025: 4 km - 18:44 8 km - 42:00 NOT: I don't want to become fat. Possible direction/goals: Keep in shape by exercising at least twice a week for 30-60 minutes. Social + personal hobbies + free time: L: Attended the book festival, watched some films, talks and conferences with my girlfriend. I also attended some board-game evenings, FIRE meetings. Played table football, billiard and a pub quiz too. Watched the hockey championship. T: Went to a few pub quizzes, went to the VR shooter with my friends, managed my finances well, won a table football tournament, went to the theater. Spent time with my girlfriend shopping, hiking, watching series and going to trips. --- For thought: Maybe I should just learn to plan better, though just the thought of having some hours of my day scheduled makes me cringe. Oddly enough, I don't get this feeling while planning lessons of my students, normally in bigger blocks. Maybe I should rethink that belief to make me happier. I've had this recurring thought every now and then that I am often somehow prevented from what I want to do in my free time; basically whenever I am not with students or sleeping. No, I just need to stop reading and learning all the time and start doing things. Imperfect action yields results. Information alone is useless. --- Plans for 2025 (check each month and color - red, orange, green): Family: I don't have any specific plans for my family, besides finishing my grandma's kitchen. I also don't have any plans of starting my own, although I've always said I'm ready after finishing the uni. The main thing for the success of that would be to manage time and money correctly. Career: The last year was successful business-wise. I got the confirmation for the new lecturer course running from February to May. The main goal is to get the website finished, so I want to actively cooperate with the other freelancers. I'm not going to set any arbitrary goals, except keeping my lesson work-hours around 20-25, and to managing the other admin stuff (preparation, mails, trainings) in another 10 hours. That makes the total of 30-35 hours worked a week. Friends, community: I am part of more friend groups and communities. I don't have any big plans in mind regarding this area of my life. I expect to naturally drift towards more libertarian, financially educated and entrepreneurial/self-employed communities. I find the most inspiring people there. Relaxation, hobbies, creativity: I intend on continuing the hobbies I currently do, including writing, working out or going to the shooting range. I also want to remain curious about things and keep on traveling to break out of the cycle to unwind completely sometimes. Maybe I'll get around to blogging again. I think the line between work and relaxation is blurry for me. Physical health, fitness: Again working out (and stretching) and flossing. I think my diet is OK. I might start tracking some indicators of body fitness, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Mental health, self-knowledge: Avoid overwork and burnout. Keep hours on roughly 20 lessons + 10 hours of ancillary work a week. Keep on doing things that feel right. Keep on planning/marking down things in my calendar. --- Habits for 2025 (check each month and color - red, orange, green): Habits that define you: family - keep in touch with my family at least once a month girlfriend - make time to talk every day and keep on working on strengthening our relationship via common activities career - work on my education continually, learning something new every week, even in unstructured ways; sources: CELTA, meeting other English lecturers/teachers, reading on their websites, lecturer course coming up in February, working on the business side of my work friends/community habits - meet with my best friend a few times a month, meet with my friend groups a few times a month too relaxation, hobbies, creativity habits - shooting range, writing, traveling, blogging, reading, being curious fitness habits - stretch every day, work out/run twice a week; floss daily mental health habits - keep my hobbies, work and other activities in balance, try new things every now and then a better tomorrow habits - provide great added value back for the money of my students ---