Life is suddenly very empty. I have so much catching up to do (have a long list of stuff I had put off while I was studying) -- and yet, I feel like I have nothing to do. Now that I don't have to study every minute of the day and don't have that structure, I feel a bit aimless. I have a lot that I want to start working on, but have not yet. While I have borrowed a bunch of books from the library, I do not have the urge to read them. I just want easy entertainment. I am aware that I am now gravitating towards TV shows and internet usage to fill this void. Though I have quit gaming, the core issue is still the same. But at least I have better self control with these other vices.
I think I will treat myself and get used to the new pace of my life before I start cracking down on myself to do stuff, because I deserve a break after what I went through to pass this test.
My boyfriend does not read my journal and was not interested in reading it when I showed it to him. Though I wish he wanted to. A small part of me thinks that it could be his own way of deflecting and avoiding thinking critically about how he spends his own time, but I am probably projecting.
I have found abstaining from easy entertainment is hard to do outside of the apartment at times. For example, you are in an elevator with other people. It is a bit of an awkward situation. To avoid that discomfort, most people will browse their phones otherwise you end up looking in one place in the elevator avoiding other peoples' eyes. I am struggling with how to feel ok in those types of situations because I am also trying to be very mindful of my 'easy entertainment' usage, which is also including music/earbuds in public. The stage I am in now is making lists of things I want to do/chores to do when I am in these situations, which is a bit of a compromise and I am able to see how I am still avoiding the true nature of the issue - being at peace, content, and comfortable in any situation without outside help - but at least it makes me feel more like I am doing something useful.
I do however, have a confession. No, I haven't been gaming. But I have been watching more and more tv shows and I am doing it with an obsessive frequency. I am still studying but I have been more willing to not meet my daily study goal by 45 mins - 1.5 hours because I don't want to study and I would rather binge watch tv shows or anime seasons. Normally if I wouldn't be studying and I were in this frame of mind/cycle, then I would just watch all day for five days straight and then I would get so sick that I would stop. But now I have another responsibility, so it is more like a prolonged and steady injection instead of a huge rush. Which is just as sickening.
I only have 3 episodes of Gotham to watch and then I think I will put my computer in my closet. To be honest even though I just bought this laptop I want to get rid of it. The moment in time when I shelved my old gaming computer in my closet was a very nice time for me.
I would also like to get rid of my phone in addition to my laptop but my phone is unfortunately an important connector to the small amount of people in my life. Even though I would feel unburdened if I didn't own a cell phone, it is my responsibility to carry one for their sake (mostly for my boyfriend who is hyper connected to everything).
Question to think about: Why am I watching tv shows? Did I simply forget my goals? Did I mentally shelve my goals because I'm in such an intense mental state with studying and it helps me cope? What would life be like without a laptop and how would I be able to handle not watching anime?