Right, my post for this week, I almost forgot as I was so busy yesterday! Yes you're absolutely right, as I learned on Wednesday I suppose. I went to a restaurant (not fast food technically) and justified it by telling myself it's a reward for the progress I had made thus far. To be honest, I didn't really even want to go to begin with so I made up my mind that I wanted to use this experience to see how I'd feel after once more eating how I used to eat. It wasn't a very pleasant experience. I didn't particularly enjoy the food, and I felt like crap immediately after and the day after as well. I don't know if going there added to this issue but yesterday nearing the end of my workout at the gym, I saw a commercial for some new items at another restaurant and immediately thought to myself that I wanted to try it, although I knew it would be a bad idea. I didn't end up getting that particular food, but I did eat my whole sandwich from Subway instead of half of it as I normally would when I got to my mom's house. Ultimately though I think the reason for that was more because I just tried to do way too much in one day yesterday (I was busy almost literally the whole day!). Despite all that I still think it was a very successful week. For the most part I stuck to all the things I wanted to do and I still feel good about all of it. Next week is coming up the day that I wanted to see about making more changes so over the next week I'm going to be thinking about what to do for that. I have a few ideas already and I'm going to spend some time ironing it all out to see what makes sense. I honestly don't have much of anything else to add so looking forward to another good week!
Another week, another round of decent progress I'd say. It wasn't terribly eventful - I pretty much completely stuck to what I wanted to be doing - although I did find myself starting to lose my excitement for it a little bit. For example, a couple of times when I went to the gym, I didn't really feel much like being there. I still stuck with it and grinded out my sessions though, so that was good. I also totally avoided all the fast food I've been trying to avoid, save for a carton of jelly beans. I justified buying it as a "reward" for the good progress I had made, and promptly went through the entire 550 gram carton in about 4 days. That equated to about 100 extra grams of sugar per day - insanity, honestly. More than that, one day I ate a particularly large amount and started to get those cravings for more food. I managed to stop myself from completely gorging out though, and have thus decided that I won't be rewarding myself with any type of junk food from now on. It doesn't seem like a very productive reward anyways. Curiously, I have also started to bite and peel off my nails again, and have been doing so mostly without even thinking about it. What's interesting is that I had completely stopped doing this for at least a good year or so. I'm not really sure what triggered this, and I'm not even sure if it's really all that relevant. Just something to keep in mind and to try to stop myself from doing once I notice it. Lastly, there were some moments when I was feeling really good about myself and started having thoughts of accelerating this process a little bit by adding more stuff to do, but a couple of events brought me back down to earth - namely, the jelly beans and the lack of motivation at the gym. I started thinking that waiting until May 26th to re-evaluate myself was too long, and now I'm thinking that maybe it isn't long enough. I think I'll just stick with the plan for now and keep doing what I've been trying to do - just repeat the things I'm doing enough times so they become instinctual habits that I never really have to think about doing, I just do them. I think I'm still on track for the major ones - going to the gym 4 times a week, staying away from fast food and keeping up with my financial habits. On the gaming front, I've been playing about 2-3 hours a night and a lot more than that during the weekends. I'm not sure that noting this is terribly important at this time but I thought I'd put it here. I don't feel bad about it at all mainly because I've made the conscious decision that I will not be tackling the gaming thing until I've got those other good habits really rock solid. To be honest, I really don't know how long that's going to take, but I know now that I can't rush this process and it simply just has to run its course. I guess that's all for now! EDIT: On a very positive note, I'm starting to see some noticeable changes in my body since I started going to the gym! My belly has reduced in size a decent amount, and my pants are starting to be more loose as well. Looking forward to good times ahead when I don't have to feel so ashamed of how I look! I guess I don't really now - it is what it is and I just have to deal with it - but it'll be so much better when I LOOK GREAT!
OK another weekend update! It's been a very much up-and-down week. On Monday morning I was very sick and didn't think I'd even make it to work but I did and despite being sick all week, I only took one day off. There were days though, particularly yesterday where I was just feeling really bad.. This morning though, when I got up I was feeling so bad and started wondering if all this really is worth it. I honestly haven't seen a great deal of improvement in any area of my life since I started this about a month ago, and it's a little deflating. I realize that what you get is proportional to what you put in, and I have started noticing very slight improvements in my body, I just wish there was more. I know what I'm doing will get me to where I want to be though so I suppose it's just about continuing to push through it. On a positive note, I managed to stick to the things I wanted to do and (so far) haven't gotten any fast food (beyond what I've been allowing myself as part of my transition to making my own food), and I haven't skipped a gym session. I was planning on going to the gym today but I've decided to take the rest of the day to relax, so I'll go tomorrow. I also finally bought a computer chair! It was a little pricey but I figure you only buy one of these every blue moon so I might as well get a good one. I do have 30 days to return it if I end up not liking it, and admittedly so far it's not perfect, so we'll see how it goes. I also am observing that I either need to stop playing Hearthstone completely or find a way to tone down how much I play when I do. A few times already I've stayed up way longer than I would have liked playing that game. I don't know if it's because I enjoy it or it's that addicting or what.. but it is definitely interfering with real life beyond what I can tolerate so something definitely needs to be done about it. I don't really find this with any other game I play, just Hearthstone. Anyways, not much else to say! Time to enjoy the rest of the weekend. EDIT: As an added note, I've found that it was a very positive decision a couple of weeks ago to scale back what I've been trying to accomplish. At the time I really felt I was pushing beyond my limit, but since then I've largely been able to maintain my goals. I've set May 26th as the date that I will re-evaluate where I'm at and see about adding some extra tasks to accomplish throughout the week.
Quite honestly it seems to me more like he isn't there by choice. Tom, do you *really* want to be in school studying what you're going there for? You have to remember that it doesn't end when school is over - after that, you have to go out into the field and do the work. If you absolutely despise what you're studying, you need to strongly consider going in a different direction. If you have no idea what that could be, I recommend you keep doing your best at school until you find something you're passionate about and want to pursue as a career. Just make sure when you do that it is something that you can make enough money off of. I suppose it's also possible that these feelings you're having are just temporary because of how lousy you feel about yourself. When you feel bad about yourself, you then start to get miserable about everything else. It is critically important that you find a way to love yourself again. You have to really believe that you deserve everything good that comes your way. I get the sense that your state of mind is pretty much the exact opposite of this. I was like this once and I hated every minute of it honestly.. Let me know what you think of this and I'll see if I can try to give you some advice on how to deal with it, if it is indeed how you're feeling. And of course if you're willing to take some advice on it.
You make about $10.89 USD per hour (today's rate). I'm sorry to say but I think some waiters in the US make more after tips, depending on the restaurant. In some very high end restaurants the tips go to over $100.00. Either way, I think it's bogus that the restaurant keeps the tips. The tip is for YOUR service.. not THEIRS. Why are they taking money that you've earned for making the customer happy? Either way, I think the whole tipping thing in general is just nonsense. From my point of view, I only see it as an excuse for restaurants to not pay their workers a proper wage and save on taxes, because from what I've read, tips generally don't show up on tax forms (not sure if it this is legal). Even then, there are still some restaurants in North America that keep at least some of the tips anyways.. it's such a stupid and corrupt system, honestly.
Thanks Cam! Even if I disappear for a while, I am *never* giving up on this journey. I may backslide at times, but I'm always thinking about a way to push forward. The way I've been telling myself is that from age around 5 or 6 up until around 25 or so, I pretty much just coasted through life doing the minimum possible with no accountability from anyone whatsoever. Sure, my parents would yell at me from time to time, but they *never* followed that up by actually making sure I did whatever they wanted me to do. I can count on a single finger the amount of times I got punished for doing something they felt was wrong. I'm not using any of that as an excuse for my situation, but it was always going to take a long, long time to unlearn those poor habits, and failure was inevitable at times. The way I saw it though, as long as I never gave up, eventually I would end up where I want to be. I think where I'm at right now is just a culmination of all the positive and negative things that have gone on my entire life, and for the last few years, there have been far more strides in the positive direction than the negative.. and thus, I'm in a good place. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. I am a little anxious due to my age, but I just have to keep reminding myself that just like training your body, there are no shortcuts with developing yourself. You have to take it one day, one step at a time and keep making all those small decisions in a positive direction. The important thing to remember is that it's not going to take as long as you think it will as long as you keep the momentum going! Here's to keeping it going!
Just to be clear, I don't think what you're feeling is wrong, at all. If he decided to just drop everything with no real purpose for doing so, I bet even Cam would strongly consider going back to video games.
Bingo. You hit the nail on the head right there. Video games are so easy to get into partly because you don't need to think about goals or aspirations - they are handed to you on a silver platter, and you just have to chase them down. If you're not striving for something in real life, it's no surprise that video games suddenly become an attractive option. Especially since you're spending so much time working and studying - it's so easy to justify "I work so hard for so long every day, why shouldn't I enjoy myself a bit?" And honestly, that's not a wrong point of view. It just depends on what you choose to do to enjoy yourself.. Do you really, truly, desperately need the money from your job? Because based on what you've told me about how much time you spend on schoolwork every day, I would really recommend you quit your job and repurpose that time for something else. Obviously I don't know what you truly want out of life or what's really important to you, but I suggest you figure out a direction to go in with that in mind.
Alright, I'd just like to post about how things are going right now. I'm also gonna try to post once a week with a status update from now on because the daily thing obviously hasn't worked too well thus far. Although if I really think about it, I'm not even sure why I'm journaling to be honest. It doesn't feel all that important to me at this time. I guess for now I'll just keep at it and see if a compelling reason shows up later on. Not much to say about the apartment, I've largely settled in and things are progressing quite smoothly on that front so far. Some big changes in other areas though. I've decided to take a vastly different approach to personal development than I have in the past. Before I would make changes to 1 or 2 things, and when I saw those were going good, I would quickly start piling more and more stuff on top. It would quickly become overwhelming and I would just give up, which was really frustrating for me. Part of the reason for that frustration is because of my age. I want things to progress rapidly because I'm already 30 years old and basically just now getting started on life. However, I've come to learn that when it comes to major change, it can't be rushed. You still have to take the appropriate amount of time to make changes into habits. So I've decided I'm going to focus on 2-3 major changes at a time and shelve everything else. The reason I came to this decision is because of what happened last Saturday. A few weeks before that, I had started going to the gym again, as well as making some changes to my eating habits, and it was actually going pretty good. So I decided to pile another thing on top of that, and last Saturday I started to feel like giving up again because it was too much on my mind. I actually skipped a gym visit because of that. There are many things I want to do or change in my life: - quit video games - read more personal development material (currently: none) - go through all of Cam's videos - go through all the bookmarks of positivity and personal development stuff I've collected - complete the courses that I've bought - find a girlfriend - go hiking at least once a week - quit drinking caffeine
I'm sure there are a lot of other things as well.. and all of this is going on the shelf for now. Both mentally and physically. For now, I'm just going to focus on the following (and I know I need to make them a lot more specific): - control spending habits - above goes hand in hand with controlling my eating habits, because the vast majority of my spending was on food - commit to the gym 4 times a week I really feel I can handle the above with great consistency. So far it has worked. My plan is to make those habits rock solid, and then move on to other things once I am very confident I won't backslide from them. I might set a date of May 31st to re-evaluate how things are going and think about adding some more changes. Even if it doesn't work, I can always do what I did last yesterday: take a step back to what was working to that point. EDIT: I should probably get into why I chose these specific changes to make. The long and short of it is that they offer the most compelling reasons for me to actually do them. Spending habits: Should be obvious. Can't do anything if you're broke. I want to take it a step further (and am currently doing so) by tracking exactly how much I'm spending, so I know exactly how my money is flowing. I'm not real great with budgeting up front, so tracking my expenses will at least give me a way to get a great overview of what's going on with my finances. Becoming financially responsible is quite important to me so this was obvious. Nutrition: Another no-brainer. I want to be like Christopher Lee - be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, even when I'm 90+ years old. That's not going to happen with the way things were going. In fact, with what I was doing before, I would probably end up in a wheelchair with who knows what kind of diseases by age 45. Gym: You don't necessarily NEED to go to the gym on a consistent basis if your eating habits are rock solid, but I don't believe that eating right by itself is going to make you healthy long-term. Any part of your body that isn't used for a long period of time will eventually atrophy. Going to the gym not only helps to avoid that with certain muscles, but also helps to build up my strength and endurance so I can, again, be like Christopher Lee when I'm 90 years old.
I realize I haven't posted here in a while but I have some huge news. In a matter of weeks I will be moving out of my mom's house into an apartment. My dad proposed I move in with my 12 year old sister and look after her while she goes to school here, so that's what's going to happen. I'm a little bit apprehensive about this, but there's not ever going to be a better time to make such a huge change in my life. I'm going to receive all the support I could possibly want or need, so there's no logical reason not to do this. I just have to overcome my anxiety about it and that's that. More importantly, if I don't do this now, when will I ever do this? The timing will never be just right. Opportunity doesn't care if the time is right for you, when it shows up, you just have to decide whether to take it or not, and figure out how to do it later. So that's going to be my approach here. I realize that taking on the responsibility of a young child is a huge deal, but my dad insists that it won't be a problem as my sister is already quite independent. I suppose this will also be an opportunity for me to explore life with a teenager around. Looking forward to good things here!
Alright well, today I got basically nothing done. When I attempted my meditation, I was horribly distracted the whole time. I knew days like this were going to happen, where powerful cravings and urges would pop up and I'm sad to say I gave in to one of them. Afterwards instead of being extremely hard on myself like I normally might have been, I just decided I'll take the rest of the day off. Just for now, I think it was the right call, but I'll expect to get back to it tomorrow.