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June 17 - Day #3.5 I spent half of the day in a meditative state in preparation for a twice-rescheduled phone interview, albeit one that I wanted. No one called, and I'm pretty sure I was waiting for another 'No Caller ID' as part of the bargain - calling their regular number, I've tried once before to no avail. So I went out for a short jog and medium walk to try and clear my head, but mostly what that did was re-ascertain me of the clearly bad mood I was in. The good news is that I'm here instead of recommitting to gaming. The bad news is that after reading an email sent past 5pm and its contents, I don't think the person deserves a 3rd chance to mess up again on this week. The vibe has well-passed now. Onward to abstinence. ______________ Gaming: No desires until the walk back home, even whilst knowing I was 20-30 minutes from getting here and typing, the only comfort I could find was a mental image of grinding the game. I am usually pretty attuned to my environment, and it was cold literally and figuratively, so simply changing my thought patterns this evening would probably have created collateral damage. I don't do that. But maybe overnight/tomorrow. Erotic material: Explaining the 'Day #3.5' count, I accidentally came across some whilst reading, and forgot to say a prayer or whatever. I felt unclean, but did not suffer all-day damage from it like with actual giving in to looking for whatever else. I don't wish for another half-day-count, but at least we would return to whole numbers if I misstep again.  _____________ Gratitude: ~ Maybe the general population is so far gone where I am that my suffering appears minuscule, and not even worth aggravating for entertainment. So, I am lucky that I felt unprovoked and thus harmless.  ~ The taste of water when truly thirsty ~ Gradually returning pleasures of the sounds and smells of new days ~ Waking up semi-dead and recovering Happy Monday, I guess. ~ Matt

Entry 16.6 ( Written on 17.6) Day 625: No Useless Videos Day 624: Sticking to Food schedule Day 226: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 217: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 0: 6 pomodoros - Till the end of the week i Omit this count since I did put in the weekly plan less than 6 pomodoros each day in any case. 3 Things I did well no matter how small -1.5 more hours of apartment progress - Overcoming the urge to go to sleep even though I slept only about 4 hours -1 hour workout 1 Thing I could do better -IF I wake up to pee in the middle of the night, return more promptly to bed

Godspeed. There are gonna be some ups and downs here.Ii's okay. Just remember your why during the hard times 🙂 and I think you have some written here as an aid 🙂 

Entry 15.6 ( Written on 16.6) Day 624: No Useless Videos Day 623: Sticking to Food schedule Day 225: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 216: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 2: 6 pomodoros 3 Things I did well no matter how small -7 hours deliveries -a bit more than 1.5 hrs apt. search + avoided dozing off in order to make both pomodoros and apt. search -Done schedule planning with only being 10 minute late (last two weeks it was 1hr 15 min 🙂 1 Thing I could do better -Even though I did plan the transition from next Saturday to sunday with one more hour of sleep generally, consider finding a way to do even 1 hr more. Currently about 4 and something hours of sleep..

June 16 - Day #3 I've been typing these close to midday because: it's motivating, I'm well-enough awake, and since (my reality experience is very concentrated and draining?) I don't enjoy going out past 5 or 6pm, I start to calm myself down again and won't get the most out of trying to make an honest journal post. _________________ Gaming: I've been sleeping quite awhile, and last night was no exception. -> But I woke up feeling ready to 'mesh' with the world, until I realised home is living solo in a studio apt. I find having a heart-to-heart textathon on my phone infuriating and a waste of time, and as I've said: my USB keyboard is a dear old friend. My walks outside have been socially sad, maybe because there is so much 'lingering' (heh) interest in using phones publicly as well as privately. That, I think is going to be a behavioural reality for awhile. So funnily enough, I suppose my addiction told me that I was getting a more honest picture of people and what everyone desires by watching the movements of gaming avatars - speed, choice of gear, looting habits, etc. I then tried to reason around who was escaping what reality by gaming (or reading, in my case). I dunno - it's been easy focusing my mind on one gaming-replacement effort, which is 'temporary escape of reality', or at least, escape of what bothers me the most. Maybe I need a poster on the wall with my 5, or (4+1) needs. I'll probably get to that. Erotic material: I think that desire for this is actually results from over-thinking and reflecting, and is sort of an escape from my mind - or bringing myself back home to my body, like exercise does. Since I've not done either yet today, we'll see. I don't wear this like any kind of badge, but due to mental illness/disorder (not NPD), my daily experience should not be considered standard. I can get a little side-tracked - and whilst that can help dredge up memories for reflection, to get through a day on my own, a lot more energy is used is what I think too. I say that because if I always socialised very effectively, I would probably have a lot less use for erotic material.  _______________ Gratitude: ~ a sunny day, contrasting to the last 2 or 3 ~ re-reading 'IT' by Stephen King; it's 'magically' relatable, but not as much as the first 2 times. I am picking up on extra details though ~ my room is now vacuumed and table tidy, feels like 3/4 of the place complete ~ I didn't mention it last post, but yesterday's bodyweight dips and rows first-thing that morning were a true survival story to get through Godspeed. Matt