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Saturday afternoon, day 11: The new book I've found is a very lengthy, written-meme. The only real problem? That I preferred to continue reading it than agree (as heavily prompted) to my Dad's several changes in plan, over text. I told him that was a serious issue once before, as well as the whole thing about airing unfiltered thoughts - which is something I used to do that got me hospitalised (and probably dumped) close enough, but nobody else in my family at the time. The curses of never taking one's eye off of 'the ball' and stuff, especially as repeatedly told to, as a general life rule. Yesterday I woke up sick, and I'm counting on tonight to either give me a second hint that something is super-wrong, or to see me close to recovered. Today, I wanted to avoid posting a generic motivational speech, or rant about NPD etc. It seems so obvious to me sometimes, and yet maybe one of the problems is not successfully ramping up to find more important things to worry about, day by day, moment to moment. What of substance is the original problem? Search me. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ I marvelled at my body as it encouraged me to purge whatever I'd picked up; sickness can rival health in curiosity ~ The first few sips of water and electrolytes I was able to take later yesterday; yes, some were brought to me by Wheatbiscuit Senior, but I know my enduring doubts came from somewhere today, right? ~ The other first of going outside to put out trash, after not having been outside for 24 hours ~ I'm pretty sure it was a new brand of sauce/dodgy pack of minced meat that got to me, but in any case I ditched the leftovers as something preventative, and freed up fridge space  

Food schedule update 17.7-31.7 (Not including thrusday 31.7) Everything remains the same except for 1. Adding 10g almonds daily 2.Two oranges instead of one I allow myself time until saturday if there are any clarificiations needed

Entry 17.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2769 (80th birthday) it seems I needed to change this on 14.7 but didn't. This week, high focus on driving and moving the body, all the rest falls in between those two things. I say that without deep analysis, I'm pretty sure that was the focus the last week too, aswell as this one. Day 183: No Useless Videos Day 1015: Sticking to Food schedule Day 618: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 166: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Morning jog - Watching a few tip videos regarding my lessons and one regarding highway - Making a lesson summary third day in a row 1 Thing I could do better - Schedule blood test x2 Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 185

Revising course materials today to pasd the exam.   Day 1 of limiting talk shows and nba league.

Thursday morning, day 9: Basically spent Wednesday finishing reading that fiction novel. A lot of it revolves around music, but also the characters getting through ~50 years of life (1960s to 2010s), speeding up the years near its end. I don't really know its target audience, but I'm probably included; the author was born in 1950, so the timeline should have suited him at least. I'm now interested in what other people my age, as pre-adults, may have gone for in terms of entertainment that may have been too mature for them. I went for music and movies, while sticking to Harry Potter etc. at the same time. I had one moment where I considered the feeling of playing my first main profile on the problem game's re-release, almost to the point of my second, which should soon, too, be snug and boring in free-to-play status. The only thing a 'main' profile did was give a small sense of invulnerability: 'easy mode'. It would have reminded me of how I 'knew what I was doing' on the game, but had little real method or 'grit/patience'. But I shook my head after a couple of minutes - the thought occurring while washing up.  No real bad news, though early abstinence seems to be a fragile state of affairs sometimes. Relatedly, today I was waking myself up and hoping to get to the gym, but who should start text-monologuing me but Wheatbiscuit Senior? If I thought that making 'how are you' a mandatory conversational starting point every day would help, I would, but it seems all I can realistically try to do is put it from my mind until a reaction/response is no longer interesting. I've had to start psyching myself up again from zero for the day, after the demoralisation of that. On the plus, I swapped for a new book, something a bit humorous I think. I should probably be less hard on myself for the time being - everyone outside of my family tells me that, at least. __________ Edit: Great day; largely a healthy-feeling day - but I can't say that it meant too much, which is also necessary. In 2009, I quit my only high-levelled profile for 2-3 months, giving away all of its items in a free-for-all. That was because I was outnumbered and out-strategised in PvP one evening by the antichrist - JK, probably only by someone worse off than me in life, and who was attempting to restore balance in their own way.  Anyway, someone (who has sadly since passed away) came back to my school then, and heard rumour that I still played the same game. We shared my profile, as I had put in far longer hours, grinding, and finally during an in-person conversation, he told me of his regular swimming training on early mornings, outdoors, even in Winter. I took in his appearance for what felt like the first time, and wanted to look, or at least feel the same kind of 'tough'. So I expressed enthusiasm for it at home, and encouraged family to make regular pool trips. That was one of the beginnings of forcing myself to move/get exercise that year. I felt that overt 'toughness' was the only way to get through school life. In a way for me, it was, but I could have learnt a little more/better.  There wasn't a lot more 'points per hour' grinding after we met, but I completed quests and clicked for more coins over the next 2 years, and the funny thing is, it felt good because I knew that by sharing my profile, someone else had value (of some relatively small sort, but value) added by almost the exact same avenue, at different times - turn-taking. I chatted with his gaming-friends (I only had a few), and it was perhaps generally accepted that we needed that game, in a way, in order to continue pondering life/relationships etc.  Later on, I would usually tell whoever I was playing alongside that it was time for chores, and whatever else; 'Brb/Bbs/Bbl/Cya/Ciao (message)', you know. But outside of the game, I've been finding, things are too blurred together. During the trial shift I worked 2 weeks ago (I've now followed up on again), like the previous job, I heard someone confess (dramatically?) that they 'don't want to do this anymore'. Maybe outside earshot of me, people say it every day. Because of the ordered continuity I found initially while at school, I had to be desperate to even think such phrases. What it did mean though was that I felt a certain responsibility, even on the internet. Politeness carried over both ways, online and offline, for a positive feedback loop. My efforts compounded, until I met my ex, who had become a proverbial sitting stone. Things are fine, of course, until it happens that stones are existentially challenged from the outside. I knew this, but I had forgotten, until during a harmless (for me) text conversation, when I aired a few too many self-correcting thoughts, along with a 'you' statement, and was promptly told that I wasn't human (anymore - naturally) (not the exact words, but I'm tired of entertaining the actual opinion). For the first time, I tried to absorb the theory of what it is to be human, whenever and wherever I could. For my family, who may also have forgotten (especially with me on the same 'team', propelling it) the feeling of ordered continuity that I had, I still believe it was too challenging. For about 6 months, I thought I had no one but me, truthfully. The keyword was 'thought', not 'felt' or 'believed', but it was sometimes a close thing. That, unlike too many other times, was a kind of delusion. The reality was possibly that my specific efforts were at peak, where around me, there only seemed to be troughs. Since I started interacting with GQ, my felt morality seems to have peaked somewhat. Yet there is nothing that truly demands changing like things used to. Could I really say that people aren't as receptive to morality on the internet anymore? Is it just an avenue for boredom-alleviation/entertainment? I haven't consistently 'had my way' since I was 13, when my brother accidentally got me back for picking on him, and I had to leave him alone. I do learn, you know. But these days, and finally I've arrived at the point of this edit, it's as though the slightest inhibiting of someone's doing 'what I want, when I want' is a grave threat. Gyms, games, streets, even public amenities. I only hope that at yet another place I want to visit tomorrow proves me wrong, as things occasionally (yet welcomely) do, in cases like these. Peace. __________ ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ The book I just read was from a 'take one, leave one' park library; might check it out again and leave what I didn't the first time, plus this book, before trying to select another ~ Sun warmth ~ Checking my first main profile's statistics for memories, and a reminder of what playing it meant ~ I listened to myself this morning, unlike when going for yesterday's afternoon walk; that I shouldn't have forced myself onto popular streets while feeling anti-social