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Hey all! Been a while. I know I said I was going to continue writing but then didn't... Things were okay for some time, but have taken a downturn lately. I have actually been YouTube free (as in, no addiction though I will watch the occasional video for something I need, such as instructional content) since starting this journey, which has been awesome. I was continuing to improve my life and even getting some of my routines in place that I've wanted to establish for some time. Part of what really hurt me was when, in January, my insurance company dropped coverage for the company I was using for therapy. I got another month or so of grace, but ultimately lost both my psychologist and psychiatrist. On top of this, I am still in the same job and it is making me absolutely miserable. I've been applying to jobs and have not been successful. It's wearing me down. I went through four interviews with one company, who told me they love me and would like to hire me, only they don't have any work to bill me to (thus, they were interviewing to add to their pool of potential hires). That really demoralized me. I would love to just up and quit right now, but my wife has one year left of her residency, so we need the money for rent, etc. If she were done and working, I could potentially quit without something else lined up to protect my mental health. Right now, we don't have that luxury. I've considered other career paths but it is difficult to find time to pivot while still working full time. I know it can be done, but I need to make the time for it. In the meantime, I've considered an internal move within my company to a different position. This may alleviate some of the pain, as I'd probably be doing something a bit more enjoyable. There's more to the story, but that's the gist of it. It really harmed my mental health. My depression was at an all-time low over the past 2-3 weeks. I did seek help from my doctor, which was a good move. I'm still working on finding therapists - seems hard to find people with availability. I have done some good things for myself though. I started going to a dietician to support my strength training goals. I see a personal trainer about once a month to keep me on track for the strength training itself. I also started going to physical therapy to correct an issue with my chest that has plagued me since my teens. So these are all wins to celebrate. I'm back here now because I realized I was really at my best last year when I did my detox and was writing on this forum every day. There is something about coming here to this community, having support, and establishing accountability that really bolstered my efforts. My wife even said that during that time, I was the most "on it" she'd seen. I'm going to begin journaling again and tracking some key behaviors. It won't be as intense as when I first started, but I really think I need to be here. I hope everyone's been well and I look forward to catching up on your journeys.

1. Experience Experience A > Last night before I fell asleep, I relapsed and played some Clash Royale. The Ipad was in my room, because I didn't want to clean the analogue alarm clock with battery mould.  Experience B (reduced priority of importance) > I also didn't follow my Practice Block time scheduled in today - studying alone. I pushed it back to a later time, despite it being important to pushing thriving in discomfort/fear zone.   2 + 3. Reflection + Abstraction Experience A How did I feel? - Urge to play games - Just one game - Thought about downloading Genshin again also - Deterred due to financial implications and gambling When did the feelings occur? - Felt discomfort before sleeping. Wasn't tired enough to sleep, despite jogging earlier. Maybe I need to push my exercise a lot more, so I get tired during bedtime? (Experimentation) I normally don't push myself hard enough when I exercise: going outside to jog - I end up walking a lot more than I jog (Abstraction) - Felt difficulty trying to control impulse to download another game. Reminiscing the happiness and direction-oriented goals pre-established. These feelings of comfort and having purpose, compared way better than feeling discomfort due to not spending time to create clear SMARTER goals. Creating the goals also felt challenging and not purposeful due to the success rate of completing the goals. I often feel this way when I try to complete my SMARTER goals. I also give myself too many SMARTER goals that it gets overwhelming. I don't put these SMARTER goals as a project in Amazing Marvin, and categorise them more efficiently as a result of transferring from Obsidian to Amazing Marvin. (Abstraction) Vulnerability factors: 1. Events - A lot of studying the day before, felt slightly stressed and tired to control willpower - Stress due to assignment dates coming up 2. Environment - ipad in the room   4. Experimentation > Clean the analogue alarm. Use it. > Put the Ipad outside every night before I sleep. Daily Burntheboats: if no put ipad outside, I have to run around naked at university for day before. 

I went for a jog too 🫡 keep the engine ticking over or whatever!

17 May - 22 May: I caught up on some reading about finance. I also went running with my girlfriend and my friend. I started actively working on my porn problem. I'm also solving the next pricing adjustment, working on the questionnaire for my students and preparing for the CELTA certification.

A whole year. Holy... I'll be turning 30 in a few months. Next year (and half, since it was in December, so not quite a year yet) it will be 10 (Ten Years!) since I found this forum and took the road to a real life. I kinda feel dizzy just thinking about it. Recovery... is relative. For some addicts it works like grief: you live with it, comes and goes, good times and bad times. That's how it works for me, for sure. But it's never the same. Somehow, in its own particular way, it keeps getting better. It truly does. Ok, so, updates. Last year was rough and now it's only a blur in my memory. Proper care for my mental health stuff didn't arrive until recently and the process was traumatic. That should be awful news, but this year's been strong so far. ADHD meds! Document changes! Community! I pulled some work doing networking with people from my hometown and among other nice pals I met a fellow AuDHDer with a mostly identical story to mine: high-school dropout, lots of unfinished projects, next to zero social skills, absolutely lost in life. No video games in their case, which is peculiar, but that makes things easier. Of course, we clicked immediately. We've been accountability partners for a couple months now and our gears are turning. Don't want to jinx what I'm currently doing but what I *can* report is that my eating disorder is going much much better. I even enjoy cooking now! They're doing amazing as well, with a brand new prescription for their own neurodivergence and several projects and hobbies routinely cared for. They're also ridiculously good in bed, a fact that needs to be noted for posterity. Mira Bellwether, wherever you are I hope you're proud of me. Better health and weight helped with my hormone regime, which helped my self-esteem, which helped being able to keep on top of a regular self-care routine (sans meditation, yet), which... You get the idea. Things are going well. I'll enjoy it as it is now, no looking forward or backwards. It's hard not getting sentimental and melancholic, especially being me, but...  how can I express it? Nothing has changed. At the end of the day, I'm still me, my fears, my life, my death, my brain for the better or worse. Everything has changed. My body. My name. My heart, cheesy as it sounds. I'm nothing like the person of my first post. Or am I? Looks I'm in for a good old sleepless night. This time, however, there's no regret, only wonder. Mom retired from work a month ago. Dad had his first scare with cancer, thankfully easy to handle (this time?). What's to come? We move forward friends. Always forward. Always forward.