Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

Journal


Recommended Posts

Okay, I need to make myself start this.
It's not going to be perfect.
Of course there are things I will want to keep track of, but I need to remember the format will likely change over time.
It would seem more important to make a consistent habit of journaling than to have it follow a consistent format.

I also need to realize that I might not necessarily be able to write "catch up" notes up to this point.
I can likely edit posts later if necessary, anyway.

Nonetheless, it would be good to determine what time of day would be best for journaling.
Looking at the templates, it seems I was overthinking it in terms of the following: do I document the current day, the previous one, etc.
However, it'd be simplest to just document what has occurred since the previous entry.
For the first post, the beginning might be...more arbitrary.

---

Day 1 - 

Yesterday:

  • Time I went to sleep yesterday: About 10:00 PM (+)
  • (-) Haven't gamed (I'll have to go back to get # of days)
  • (-) Broke no fap after a four day streak. Shouldn't have used suspected colon pain as an excuse.
  • (-) Snacked late in evening
  • (-) Browsed memes in evening (Essentially resetting detox. Need to make combined counter...)

Today so far:

  • Time I woke up: 5:36 AM
  • Time I got out of bed: About 6:30 AM (+)
  • (+) Did 20 minutes of medium intensity elliptical machine exercise
  • (-) Had snack food for breakfast
  • (+) Starting this journal (finally!)

Feeling tired, probably because sleep was interrupted early. Boxer briefs only left me too cold in the morning I guess, despite using a blanket as a thin body pillow.

Might have some tea or something.

I hope I am able to get a lot of work done today. I need to login for it in a few minutes.

Edited by Resonant_Shell
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Day: ??. Let me elaborate:

  • I have not played video games since July 25th, 2021
  • I did play a couple games of "Guess" from Simon Tatham's Puzzles on my phone August 5th, 2021 while waiting for my car's tires to get rotated. Do I count that?
  • While I have managed to stay away from gaming videos, my weakness seems to be memes right now. I can tell I'm in avoidance / old patterns mode when I'm literally image searching for "memes" *facepalm*

While I haven't been gaming or wasting time on YouTube specifically, this doesn't seem better at first. Although, unlike with those too, I have been respecting a bedtime of about 10:00 PM.

I've thought about multiple counters...I'm already overthinking the format. Gah! It doesn't need to be perfect now, nor does this. Must...write...more...freely!

---

Sobriety Counters:

Day 17: NO VIDEOGAMES (Looks like a drastic jump from my first post, but see the notes above)

  • Day 0: No mindless internet (--, Relapsed; see above notes)
  • Day 0: No fap (--, Relapsed because I didn't want to go to the bathroom this morning even though I would have to anyway. Lame!!1)

(Taking some cues from other formats...)

Other Counters:

  •  In bed by 10:00 PM yesterday? Yes
    • (I think I will change this goal to 9:50 PM eventually)
    • (I wonder if I should make this a sobriety counter? Staying up late has been very harmful in the past!)
  • Sleep uninterrupted last night?    No; Woke up at about 4:00 AM. Made some Sleepytime tea and fell back asleep at about 5:00 AM. Still adjusting what I wear, blankets, etc. I guess.

(Still working on wake time criteria and formatting):

  • Time I woke up: Unknown
  • Time I got out of bed: About 6:44 AM (+)

 Data Items:

Yesterday:

  • Worked late, 6:00 to 9:00 PM (--)
  • Finished work project, before deadline (+)

Last Night:

  • Had a dream involving bringing a cello...my cello...to an auditorium (Necessary context: In reality, I don't own or play cello...yet?). Others were on stage, playing strange instruments? Then it got dark…a show with a live orchesta show? Despite apparently being an audience member, I was nervous. I think there was dining service...I was getting a fried chicken sandwich?
    • I'm overthinking whether sharing these details is relevant.
    • What is relevant is previous context: I have dreamt of playing the cello before, in first person, and bringing one to auditoriums, etc. with other musicians
    • Combined with others asking me if I play an instrument...I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something (You do belong with musicians. Start making music already!!)

Today:

  • Completed morning walk outside (+)
  • Cooked breakfast (+)
  • Didn't overeat at lunch (+)
  • Resonably productive day at work (+)
  • Called by phone to confirm car inspection appointment (+)
  • Car inspection complete (+)

Okay, that took about 30 minues. Clearly need to work on efficiency.
Still haven't resumed progress in the Respawn program, even though I had the time.
Argh! Why do I keep doing this?

Edited by Resonant_Shell
Adding necessary context for dream
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's getting late...

Sobriety Counters:

Day 18: NO VIDEOGAMES

  • Day 1: No mindless internet (although not necessarily prioritizing habits yet, see notes in last section)
  • Day 1: No fap

Other Counters:

  •  In bed by 10:00 PM yesterday? No; 10:15 PM
  • Sleep uninterrupted last night?  No; Woke up at about 5:30 AM. Went back to sleep (I think?). Still adjusting bedtime wear...leave socks on!??

(Still working on wake time criteria and formatting):

  • Time I woke up: About 6:30 AM
  • Time I got out of bed: 6:30 AM (+)

 Data Items:

Yesterday:

  • Forgot to document that I got overwhelmed by feeling like I nervously presented at a work meeting Tuesday, August 10th, 2021 (--)
  • Worriedly searched online about emotional intelligence, personality type, fearing my lack that day (--)
  • (The above took time and reduced productivity)

Today:

  • Did 20 minutes of high intensity elliptical machine exercise. Not my highest resistance, but heartrate was VO2! (+) 
  • Cooked breakfast (+)
  • Did not snack before lunch (+)
  • ...but ate a lot at lunch, taking a bit longer, but felt ok (-?)
  • Didn't work overly late despite the above (+)
  • Still haven't resumed progress on the Respawn program! Argh!!1 (---)
  • Instead of the above, got in my head about how to go about a future music collection (-?)
  • ...but did lead to doing research on Linux music that actually arrived at a conclusion (+?)
  • ...but no action as of yet (-)
  • Taking the time to write this post despite the above (+)

Earlier today, a remote colleague messaged me, and we chatted a bit. They told me that if I needed anything to feel free to message them any time:

  • I have had at least one other colleague make a similar statement.
  • I am not one to typically initiate / contact others, especially in a time of need--I tend to self-isolate / isolate further.
  • I wonder if / when I would take them up on such an offer.
  • I have tended to get stuck on the same things. I mean, while I'm not gaming, I'm not even progressing in the program! (Trying not to beat self up? At least I'm finally exercising again!)
  • I'm not sure I could talk to them about what tends to really trouble me. With one of them, I have seized up when approaching such topics before.

Well, it's 10:07 PM now, which is past my goal bedtime.

Tomorrow. Another chance to try again. Maybe since I'm alternating morning exercise, I'll make time for Respawn?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Once again, it's getting late. I am going to deviate from the format I've been trying out for this reason. I expect to follow up tomorrow morning.

Despite going to be last night at a fairly reasonable hour, I...

  • Woke up at 2:00 AM.
  • Did not fall back asleep until 5:00 AM. As I result, I'm on an estimated 5.5 hours of sleep.
  • This was after multiple attempts, using tea, and even breaking no fap once again.
  • I believe I felt cold, and my mind was quite active when I woke.

Even now, my mind keeps going to...technology related topics. Despite arriving at a decision, my mind is continuing because it isn't full carried out?

  • It would serve me well to figure out how to not pursue a single project at the expense of my basic needs.
  • Similarly, a "wind down" ritual near the end of the day could really help. I am usually on screens before bed.
    • Regardless of the effects on eyes, circadian rhythm, etc. my mind seems overly stimulated.

 The weekend approaches. What will I bring to it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

Later in the morning than I would have liked to log this, but here I am...

Sobriety Counters (relative to day of posting):

Day 20: No Video games

  • Day 0: No mindless internet (See yesterday's notes)
  • Day 0: No fap (Relapsed this morning for no good reason >:-( )

(I will attempt to log other counted items below instead, since this post is out of sync)

Data Items:

Day before Yesterday:

  • Bedtime: 10:30 PM 
  • Sleep was interrupted.
    • I woke up at 2:00 AM, I suspect due to being too cold (usually I expect to be too warm)
    • When awakened, my mind start racing. mind racing. I tried sleepytime tea, even desperately breaking no fap (again).
    • I didn't fall back asleep until 5:00 AM.

(Apparently I already logged this in my previous post last night)

Yesterday:

(Still deciding where to put good/bad +/- indicators)

  • (-) Ordered carryout for breakfast
  • (+) Didn't consume too much caffeine; just enough to get through work...mostly
  • (--, -) Checked social media and began worrying that I'm not fearing God enough, fearing losing comforts instead.
    • (+) Rememberd that making music is outside of my comfort zone!
  • (-) Ordered carryout shake to add to home lunch leftover pizza
  • (+) Didn't overeat at lunch
  • (---) Didn't attempt Respawn work in evening, continuing to browse tech topics. I need to stop getting caught up on every thought that comes to mind.
  • (-) Bedtime: 10:30 PM

I felt like my workday was very unstructured, and that I potentially wasn't as productive as I could have been.

With becoming involved in a complex project, I am quite concerned that I will not respect any sense of work/life balance--which is already weak to begin with. This would repeat what occurred in 2020.

---

Might as well start with how today is going?

I might double post in the same day, but I have seen others do it. Hmm...

Today (so far):

  • Interrupted sleep? Woke sometime around 5:45 AM, needing to go the bathroom. Tried to fall back asleep until 6:30 AM, not very successful.
  • Dream was weird. Near the end of the dream, I arrived with others at a rustic-styled "meal and show" restaurant, with enlarged double basses (octobasses?) present on stage. My Mom stood up and started praying in public.
  • Felt tired, presumably recovering from yesterday.
  • (--) Wasted time struggling with spiritual self-condemning thoughts higher than normal. The fact I even consider that there's a "normal"...
    • "Faith without works is dead"
    • "I'm going to hell, etc."
  • (+/--) Eventually overcame said thoughts through intense self-mockery (Unhealthy coping mechanisms, yeah! Not really...)
    • Good luck, I'm behind seven layers of irony!

(Actually "starts" morning, well past 8:30 AM.)

(Had an eight ounce glass of store-bought International Iced Mocha coffee.)

  • (+) Paid credit card in morning
  • (!, +??) Unexpectedly started singing along to an electronic song in car from my MP3 player. Went along with it.
  • (+) Picked up a couple of jars of honey from the Farmer's Market
  • (+) Stopped by bank to get new debit card ordered after finding it was expired from an Automated Teller Machine (ATM)

Well, it's five minutes past noon now, and I still haven't eaten anything.

Maybe I'll like, actually do something with my day. Mudane tasks. Maybe even something meaningful, or towards it, like Respawn. Or, even...cleaning?

Oh yeah, and I haven't exercise yet today, either.

(I'm fairly agitated about how I continue to let my life be the way it is right now.)

Edited by Resonant_Shell
Caffeine tracker
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's already past 10:15 PM here; it looks like I will be needing to catch up in the morning.

I still haven't played video games (not really worried about doing so, but I thought I'd note it.)

I didn't get much done this weekend, which is unfortunately the usual. I did make some progress on the Respawn program!

I went to church today. During the service I was okay, but my mind started to slip a little while after I got home.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Well, it's been two weeks since my last entry. I'm going to have to abandon having a format in order to get myself to finally post. I keep putting it off.

I'll try to document the most notable items from the past two weeks. Some conclusions reached were important. I guess I'll contrast the past two weeks with today?

At a high level, I have been:

  • Eating lots of fast food
  • Drinking more often (which is usually quite rare)
  • Watching cartoons most nights
  • Lots of pointless fapping
  • Wasted each Saturday doing next to nothing. While it's not gaming or watching YouTube, this misses the point.
  • Working late some days
  • Bedtimes less than 11:30 PM (one 1:30 AM night I believe)

I've managed to get myself to go to church for...at least three Sundays in row now, I believe. Mentally, I have suffered afterwards, but for a decreasing amount of time? No, I think the second was the worst, so at least things are improving now, I guess. That's one of the bigger elements of the past two weeks, so I will go more in-depth there:

1) I think after...the first service I struggled with thoughts of  "why bother repenting if the probability of sinning again is almost guaranteed" and the like. 

  • What was Jesus' sacrifice for? 
  • If I am going to Hell anyway, why wouldn't I try to repent anyway?

Later that first (?) week (Tuesday? Wednesday?) I ended up talking to my dad about an unrelated, yet spiritual topic. A portion of Romans 10:9 came to mind:

  • Ironically, even I seem like I pass those requirements.
  • I am...saved.

2) The second service was the hardest by far; now I remember:

  • When a word of knowledge was released for a "crick in the neck" (which I literally was just thinking about) after a "sudden stop" (close enough: I got rear ended at a stoplight in 2017), I did NOT go up. I just stood there, heart beating, with the mental excuse of I didn't deserve it because...I hadn't been doing my neck exercises? What!??
  • Later, at the beginning of the message, someone unexpected introduced themselves to me specifically and encouraged me to fill a contact card. Perhaps he was prompted to do so by the Holy Spirit? At least I bothered to do that...

Near the end of the message, I was reminded once again how I'm not "all in" like all of these other Christians I guess:

  • Can't pursue any skill because I'd make it my master (desires = sin)
  • Ran at a park using trail runner shoes. As expected, my left knee acted up, but…I kept going for a while. I had a sore right calf, etc.
  • The next day, the usual thoughts: Making music is once again a "sin," not in God's will, can't be done until I'm a perfect Christian, etc. 
  • I was frustrated that I still hadn't journaled here after a week.

I had a brief call with my sister later that week. I asked her about her routine. We talked about:

  • Exercise, cooking , and cleaning during weekdays 
  • Prioritization and delayed gratification: My weaknesses 
  • Having plans on weekends…hrm
  • Praying even when feeling against God 

I need therapy?

  • Would that be my...fifth? therapist? It's not cheap...
  • Can't do choir ("cheaper than therapy) because my issues "block" that (Of course, everyone's probably too afraid because of current times anyway. What would the repertoire even be??)

3) The service on August 29th, 2021 focused on the parable of the sower. I'll paraphrase relevant parts I'll paraphrase the entire text I sent to my church accountability partner...
 

Quote

 

With "God's will" being implied/mentioned, I once again spent multiple hours trying to figure out how to determine if one is following it. After researching, getting mentally stuck, and getting angry at the seeming lack of solution, it became apparent that:

  • Without Christ, we can't perfectly follow God's will. We'll mess up.
  • Even with Christ, we'll still not perfectly follow God's will, because we're not perfect.
  • We are to get to know God, which...causes us to get better at following his will...makes sense if doing so changes us to be more like Christ.
    • Saying that this is not good enough for God would seem to dismiss Christ's sacrifice
  • However, what I am finding is that it is not feasible to "freeze in place" until we know God or are following his will to some arbitrary amount.
    • Life seems designed to where it is impossible to not take risks.

---

  • If I continue spend my weekends like this, fearing that taking up a hobby, eating, etc. is not in God's will for me, I shouldn't expect different results.
  • ...pastors and Contemporary Christian Music: their target audience doesn't think too much about what they're saying, so they use hyperbole when emphasizing things.
  • Of course, as my parents noticed since I was young, I tend to take things literally and/or overthink things.

---

Interestingly enough, during the midst of this, I didn't feel very fatigued, except for moments. Maybe it's the caffeine...

 


---

Monday: I spent over hours working on a riddle to respond to someone asking about an personal in-joke in my internal-only email signature. Working on it was more satisfying than expecting, but I just ended up giving a vague response in place of it.

Tuesday (today): When explaining a situation to colleagues during a meeting, I still ended up explaining irrelevant details. I was asked about their relevance and refocused. I explicitly recognized it was constructive, but I could still feel some self-hatred...


Well, it's just past 10:00 PM now. I still haven't done anymore of Respawn since the beginning of these two weeks, but at least I finally got around to this.

This doesn't need to have everything...I can retroactively add later if needed...posting...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's 8:40 PM; I'm starting to feel tired so I'm going to attempt to log something before I forget.

Sobriety Counters (relative to day of posting):

Day 38: No Video games

  • Day 0: No mindless internet (I guess I'm going to count reading comments for an extended period of time this morning against this)
  • Day 3: No fap (A pleasant surprise)

Other Counters:

  • In bed by 10:00 PM yesterday? No; 10:30 PM
  • Sleep uninterrupted last night? Yes.
  • Time I woke up: 6:30 AM
  • Time I got out of bed 6:30 to 6:40 AM

Data Items:

Today (so far):

  • (+) Walked this morning
  • (----) Didn't bother to make breakfast, browsed comments instead and later ended up ordering out
  • (--) Worked late for an extra hour
  • (+) Walked after work
  • (+) Paid bills
  • (--) Ordered out for dinner
  • (+) Added this journal entry

I feel energized and more motivated, and yet I'm still am not doing anything meaningful.
I'm more productive at work, but I'm concerned I'll allow it to overtake me, forgetting to take on the challenges outside of work, which seem far more important at this point.

I've wasted years. How many more before I begin?
Can I really afford to wait until another weekend, just to do nothing meaningful with it?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share