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Journal: Elijah


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Today i ate some chicken rice and brocolli with a lemon and olive oil dressing. It was tasty then i proceeded to eat 3 pop tart packages and like 5 beef stixks with lemondade. The chicken rice and brocolli was because i was hungry the rest of it was procrastination and avoidance of doing my break method homework and sleeping. Focus is something id like and i have been really horny for thick thigh and big butts as of today. I dont like looking at that stuff as i havr a gf i should probably tell her i was abd bot keep it a secret from her i know it makes me feel guilty. Not sure though it sucks not being able to touch her hold her and what not i get really horny and i want my gfs touch. So thatd frustrating and masterbation is nixe but i do it without porn sinxe im with her now. Which is p4obably healthier but it does make variety roufh. Id say its a mix of sexual desire and variety there and still being a virgin and i cant wait to see my gf in person i really want it to be enjoyable for both of us. Other than that the weekend is coming up and im exxited to catch up on sleep and study finances. It will be good for my future. 

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Boredom wanting fun procradtination ive decided to journal my emotions throughout the day and before i do an activity to better understand what im using an activity for. When im avoiding something its typically food when im bired i use porn. When i want to have fun intend to watxh tik tok and youtube. I will have more to xome for myself kater

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  • 2 weeks later...

Since quitting ive been able to give more time to my body emotionally ohysically and mentally. I still find myself sttuggling to do meaningful thungs with my time and thats quite alright ill keep improving as i becomore more focused and better attuned to my reasomings and emotiodn. I do occasionslly miss it all of my fr8ends except my gf are gamers so it is annoying to hear them talk about it.

And i do ocassionally miss it.

I did spend time with some friends this weekend snd it was wonderful and overall my emotional experience of things has improved overall happy with not gaming.

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Two months! Or 60 days. Its been okayish exercise and money management went up ive started eating cleaner i began dating my first girlfriend. Im learning spanish. Work is still garbage and untolerable. I started working with an emotional wellness teacher and ive began meditating and journaling as well as slowly pursuing my dream of traveling and teaching.

 

Pretty good progresd id say 2 months of no videogames.

 

Downsides i replaced much of that with youtube and social media. Porn is still a problem but ill be working on that one as well. Overall happy with my choice of cutting out videogames.

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  • 3 weeks later...

77 days since i last played videogames.

14 days since i last watched porn overall.

 

Im doing well i have had urges here and there but the idea of breaking my chain and starting iver sounds painfully annoying. Gaming got replaced with lots of social media youtube and streaming but also learning spanish reading workingout socializing and emotiinal healing practices. Its been great and xhallenging and porn is my next videogame habit the struggle here has been. The need for physical pleasure and mental stimulation. Not to be vulgar or provocative but the desire to sexually dominate a woman is what makes it difficult to overcome even if that experience is entirely vicariously living it through porn.  I can see how porn messes with a dudes brain and i find it to be the main culprit in why i struggled to create platonic relatio shios with women i find attractive. Im not a slave to my mind and women have so much more to offer than sexual gratification. Their friendship is nice and allows expression thats difficult to do with ither men due to social norms.

 

Until next time oh and i find pencil and paper journaling more effective but i will come back to post every now and then for those that are going on their detox journey as well.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Lately ive felt like gaming alot lateky im at 100 days tomorrow and its been a rollercoaster this past month. I just miss having something to do for 40 plus hours in a week a job you knoe i think thats what im missing being in the milotary and stuck to a job for the next 2 and a half years is just awful especially when im not getting any fulfillment out of it. Trying to find someyhing like gaming to preocxupy my time right now is painful as well im just tired and exhausted of licking up new hobbirs and tryimg again im sure this will pass and the motivation comes back but right now its bleh.

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6 hours ago, Marius said:

Do you have any life goals? Why not work towards them if the majority of your time is free for you to use?

I do teaching learning new languages fitness relationship building financial freedom i have goals and i do chip away at them.

 

Its hard to remember though at times the appeal of videogames to me was my high level of control and low consequences which is why i loved rpgs and games that offered high customization.

 

In the real world learning to surrender to the consequences and the fact that i cant control other people makes me feel rather unsafe. Rather things that are out of my control make me feel unsafe mentally.

Im all gucci though sometimes i just need to open up about my struggles at times. Thanks for caring enough to ask a question.

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I think if you need to escape fear, rationality is key. Assess the likelihood of an adverse outcome and the exact consequence that event would have on your life. Either find data on that or create the data yourself through immersion in real life situations. Then you also have to accept that there are things out of your control and focus on the things you have control over. Becoming emotionally attached to uncontrollable events doesn't help your mental state, and is also not wise. I believe there are still many decisions you make over the course of the day where you have 100% control over your reactions. Maybe stoicism might help. Try Andrew Kirby's videos on the matter.

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