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Suns

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  1. Today i tried to surprise my gf with food and it didnt go through but she was super excited i thought about her. She was much mkre loving today i think that has to deal with me being able to show her i care long distance is hard and her wanting to be more friendly was leaving me feeling insecure but i told her about the insecurities and she didnt mind she found it somewhat endearing so it was xool to see id like to thibk im understanding her more in particular. Im considering doing better at my job because i want to be better for her well. More so for my relationships sh3 could be replaced but relationships with the opposite sex particularly romantix ones are i.portant to me i want to prove to myself thst ive learned and groq. And i like being of service to someone and i want to proce otgers wrong about relationship dynamics and atereo rtpes are bullshit. So i like being mentally and emotionally strong whixh is why i like journaling and meditatuon being physixally strong mKes me feel more comfortable being with her.as well as managing emotiins other tga. Thaf i want to improve at my jov so i can like myself more and b4 better for the relationship i think relationships are just a great place for me to focus myself and to bring the best version of me so working on finances and sthff also adds to it. I love her very mucn and i want to be with her for a long time but if it ends to.orrow i am having fun witg her so jm all guxxi manr.
  2. It was nice to talk to my gf today our communication is improving and I got alot of stuff off my chest our biggest issue being the differing sex drives. As well as the long distance. Skills....my biggest insecurity I want to develop skills I'm tired of feeling like a slave to other people's whims I just never want to do anything and it socks I do have alot on my plate as it is. UT my job doesn't help me develop skills I want. I want skills I'm proud of... or maybe not maybe I just don't want to feel insecure.
  3. Right now I feel saddish my gf hasn't texted me back in like 5 hours I'm used to her being more responsive we broke up two weeks ago she came back I wanted to continue as the only problem in the relationship was the distance between us but she didn't want to be as sexual anymore and wanted to get to know me on a more friendly level it led to a fight about me not wanting to be just friends she agreed that I misunderstood her. Now I feel like I pushed her away or something and I feel sad and stressed getting ready to bad hopping she text back soon. Anyways other than that I'm 42 days strong I have felt sadness about not playing videogames especially with elden ring coming up and some new dbd stuff 8ve been meditating do some work to help me process myself emotionally workingiut is slowly becoming my new favorite thing. Cleaning up eating here and there over all good stuff. I'm just a little sad about gf stuff it can build upon this belief that I will always be rejected it's not productive to believe she will leave me and she is not my mother or this girl from high-school whom I developed this I will always be rejected mentality it doesn't help me with my own growth therefore not worth stressing about so yeah I'm slowly feeling better. I will be sad if she left but that's okay. O just hate the idea that I reverted all my hard work over the years not being needy and not being independent and being happy on my own not that I was entirely when we met but that's alright I can keep moving forward it can be stressful but I'm all Gucci I got my coaches and I'm making improvements finances still need work and finding other things than watching YouTube and social media to fill me time. strong so yayyyyyy
  4. 7 minutes of desining a character. For future writing. Motivations Well he wants to become stronger He cares about friends He likes cake He wants to eat more cake He likes curvy women or women that care for themselves. He wants an awesome girlfriend This guy is me He wants to prove to people there is more to him than meets the eyes. He wishes people's would acknowledge the good parts of him. He's 9nto music and wants to be a musician. He loves comics and heroes. He's a virgin and would love to meet a woman that likes those guys. His father is sick but he the. Hara ter doesn't want to be miserable while saving his father and is torn on the inside because he wants to enjoy his life as well. He is selfish and wishes he wasn't and found joy and beauty in that. He likes beautiful woman that take care of themselves. He has an eye for colors and fashion and wants to be more noticeable. Singer write Dancer he wants to express his artistic side........ Music and magic that sounds dope as fuuuuxxxk Yeah so his father is dying, he has a love for music and he is torn he loves his father but he must give up his love for these things to allow his father to love and buy the medicine he needs so he becomes saddened he cares for his father but putting his own life on hold for another bugs him. He seeks out alternative ways of doing things in order to make ends meet and finds himself in gang territory and must defeat the magnificent 7 in order to win over his magical powers basically magic and dance... He's also inexperienced with women so
  5. Well I guess I'll start here I want to overcome over eating so a food journal has been the advice I've received. After I worked out I ate. A protein smoothie I suppose I felt good prior it was nice to drink a smoothie it tasted a little funny but kept me feeling good. Afterwards though I wanted to eat everything. So I stopped by the all american diner on. Base and ordered a burger w cheese toppings pickle tomato lettuce red onion and I went overboard with cookie and cake and rootbeer. Prior to eating I was hungry and a little annoyed frustrated I would like to date again hell I'd like to date my gf but I feel gross and fat again so I avoid talking to woman and its stressful it's stressful to eat like that. It just makes me feel like I'm rejecting myself even more it's alway get on your purpose first then find love or just do it it's fine or there is no one out here for you so don't even bother you are in the wrong place to meet others but indo miss my ex very much. I wish the distance didn't exist between us I wish I could tolerate being happy so I wouldn't stress so much about my future w her but perhaps that wa the sign we weren't ment for eachothrr distance goals and what not it I'd sad I hate bit I guess afterwards I just felt sick and what not but during eating it felt really good to eat whatever.
  6. So I want to start doing different kinds of journaling and today I want it to be 10 minutes of writing where I will basically type nok stp and not think and just put typed word to digital paper. So a stream of consciousness but with story telling instead of self reflection. Most likely it will be a mix of both. Farm boy the point I'm getting across in chapter 1 is introduction. We start off in an open field with a young man shoveling hay or riding horses allowing to. 3 made a full man by a plowing ourselves certain things and he fights a three legged horse and the horse toys to attack k as the solider falls down it was the last time he would do such a ygungn so that's when we left the kid alone he uses his pitch fork to bring down a knight and st the titne reignite the fighter and flame. The devil went down to the farm and the boy sat and laughed as a demon attempted to steal his soul Chapter? Lost chapters 10 minute writings You know, they count on you the way they let themselves be lead by you, the way you let them show up the way you allow them freedom within themselves they need that from you they don't get it from anywhere else. I look at him boldly yeah....yeah I get that but it is alot a times. Sometimes you don't know what to say or do and what if they get hurt trying to follow me I'm not sure I could handle that I think I would falter if that happened so yeah. Ibthibj I'll let myself be free of this burden! Burden? She snapped. This is your calling a rise to action howbcan you call them a burden. Indojt think you understand how much you actually mean to these people how dare you call them out and call them names fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Okay now what she exclaims? You uncomfortable yeah yeah I am, well then. Hop to it who are you to complain about the world. Around you.l let it flow through and allow yourself to be free and allow yourself the freedom to breathb10 minute writingncours. Yeah. Okaymmmm..... he exclaims tired and what not okay alright let yourself sleep and be freedom from all thingsnyou mean to her so I meanbyeah 10 minute jiurnaling ummm yeahbyour open means nothing to you allowing yourself to burdock! Kakarot! Veggie! We are the justice powers and friends don't you dare compare yourself to me you fool I am not the one you dare to write out if the way you pushy fuck monkey nuts. Hyaaahhh lemme be the first to let you know I am golden. Push those 10 minutes and getting tired is okay that is okay to feel this way. Yeah I like this better than daily reflection I think it will still have its place though. I'm looking to finish cuz I want to be done is it cuz indint like it nah I like it but it takes too much mental focus when all I want to do is sleep and that makes it harder to do so yeah.....yeah yesh..... 10 minute jam sessions
  7. So today I decided I would allow myself to be fat in hopes that seeing the limits or it will come out to yndersrand the limits ot my life I keep over eating I want to do the same for oorn and this is how I see it. If I keep living this way my stomach is always going to feel bloated I'm always going to have a hard time with breathing. I'm always going to struggle with ibs and diarrhea and constipation. I'm always going to feel uncomfortable in bed because my body feels gross. I'm always going to feel weak in my penis because of all the porn. I. Always going to feel inadequate or weird for watching lorn and these are things I am inadvertently acc we ping by participating in these behaviors. My chins always fats heavy this is my limit bloated and what not.... I'm hoping this helps me overcome that desire not to. Same way this thought process has helped me stay off videogames
  8. Today I got somethings on my mind u want to start dating again but I'd like to take sometime to figure out how to be motivated for myself un this world my coach says accepting and being okay with being single your entire life is the best way to go about this. I'm still not quite sure how to do that it's always confusing when I try to go down thus path. Like when I want something I can ask myself what would I be doing if I wasn't going to get approval but then I go down this rabbit hole of I'm thinking like this because I want the girl so it seems I'm not really doing it for me I wonder how I can short circuit that thought pattern such as well what do I think is a cool way to live and I think drawing andnwriting the cool shit in my head is really good place to start and sharing it maybe or thinking about what I think a cool job would be a cool way of being like being and artist or an engineer mcguyver type of person would be best for me I like that creating a cool story which i am taking the time to start writing so fun for me. I'm rather distracted I want to date but I also want to win like find women that really resonate with me and the last girl did just unfortunate circumstances were in the way and I know I have become healthier I'm writing because I want to I'm working out because I want to develop parts of my body u just wonder sometimes if I haven't developed as much as I believe which is odd to think about. I could be happy being single it just takes too long sometimes lol but I guess being okay with never getting there is part of it. The other day 9 approached a woman I have been wanting to talk to for a while and it was cool and I'm glad I did but I always feel super conflicted like I would sleep with her but is it okay to just want sex from someone why do I feel hesitant about that it's mostly because I don't want to be labeled a creep but like I don't know sex.... I find you physically appealing but I want sex... I want to sleep with you and that freaks me out i suppose acknowledging that I simply want to sleep with a woman before u get to know her a lot of the time and I think that srxual energy confuses me often. S3xual desire is a weird one for me at times and it makes me anxious about the future anxiety gets to me when I talk to women because j stress about the future how it will play out what will happen anxiety is probably the biggest reason I struggle with expression at times the future of something playing out stresses me the hell out. Stressed about the future this is probably where my neuroticism gets me see now as I'm typing thus I'm relaxed inthubj this is what I need tonfocus on when I interact with people I stress about the future and it makes it difficult to connect and explore in the moment... something I need to find a strategy to deal with.
  9. want to get into shape because I want women in my life and I want to be able to attract one's that take care of themselves. I like women that dress in well fitting clothes so I want my own body that looks good in clothes. I like the boody and thighs and back muscles so I want to improve mine as well. I want to be able to have sex and try many positions without being limited by my body because that's wack. I want to be able to lift my own body weight climb a tree be flexible run a marathon OK not a marathon but like really really long and far. I want to be able to have a good relationship with that cheese burger without shutting my mind off and eating everything else in sight because I feel like I let myself down. I people to look up to me I don't take over weight people very serious even if they do have good advice call me vain but I believe if you can't care for your body I won't take you serious so I have to embody this quality myself. Lastly I might want kids some day and I want them to look at me like a super daddy or some shit. Like that would be dope. Walk my talk
  10. want to get into shape because I want women in my life and I want to be able to attract one's that take care of themselves. I like women that dress in well fitting clothes so I want my own body that looks good in clothes. I like the boody and thighs and back muscles so I want to improve mine as well. I want to be able to have sex and try many positions without being limited by my body because that's wack. I want to be able to lift my own body weight climb a tree be flexible run a marathon OK not a marathon but like really really long and far. I want to be able to have a good relationship with that cheese burger without shutting my mind off and eating everything else in sight because I feel like I let myself down. I people to look up to me I don't take over weight people very serious even if they do have good advice call me vain but I believe if you can't care for your body I won't take you serious so I have to embody this quality myself. Lastly I might want kids some day and I want them to look at me like a super daddy or some shit. Like that would be dope. Walk my talk
  11. Integrity check/self reflection Earlier I posted a why I want to be fit in a fitness group called Nerd fitness. It received alot of back lash mainly for a comment I put in there about not taking over weight people seriously this led to people calling me misogynistic,fat phobic, saying I need therapy and was full of red flags and that's fine it is a group with many over weight people that have struggled their whole life with not fitting into things because of their weight. I knew I would get some backlash when posting it but I didn't bother rewording it I didn't want to filter anything here because this was the most authentic I felt I was being. Perhaps I should have considered the group though which yeah I should be more considerate of peoples traumas and what not I guess I think I'm not sure I know people in that group go there to have a safe space and it probably isn't right for me to just go in and say something like that and I'm not entirely sure why I feel that way but if I am going to explore it. I don't take over weight people serious because I find it difficult when someone is telling me to better myself and to do something with myself when they clearly struggle with that themselves i find it difficult when I have had over weight therapist telling me to show more self love and compassion but it looks like they are eating themselves sick. I know there are conditions and things I guess I don't know if you look around you can find people that have conditions and still manage. Bear in mind im not talking about people with extra weight. I'm talking about people that do nothing but make excuses which obviously isn't that group. So I feel I should have taken that into consideration with the wording but didn't want to filter it. May be selfishness on my part. Maybe I have a tendency to want to make people hate me so I can justify my source belief of people will always reject me. Exploring the misogyny claims, maybe I'm not sure with my ex she had a nice body and was very kind and she had good things to say about me.... if she had put on some weight would I feel the same maybe not. It's too hard to tell without being there. I remember a girl being very into me but she had some extra weight she was sweet and open to having sex with me but I just couldn't do it I wasn't feeling the physical appeal so I pushed her away I never told her it was her weight I just stopped wanting to hang out with her because I did try to get past it but it was very hard for me. It was also her hair I didn't like it. Perhaps I am vain. The claims did make me think about my ex and if I did ever treat her bad. I don't think so though I mean maybe I was inconsiderate to her traumas one time but it was annoying hearing her complain about having no motivation to work out because she hates the male attention she had some childhood trauma involving an older man. I got annoyed and told her it wasn't my job to unpack her trauma for her and that if she wasn't going to seek out counseling for it we should end the discussion. She ended up crying and telling me I know you are just trying to push me to be better. That moment bugged me though. So I reflected on it and figured if I wanted her to feel emotionaly safe in the relationship I should validate her feelings more often rather than trying to solve her problems which I did that. I miss her very much. We broke up due to the distance and me bringing up out future together neither of us wanted it and it was painful very painful for me to hear her cry and I broke into tears as well. In an attempt to not let the emotions over take the future and waste our time I started talking about our alignment with eachother part of me wishes I didn't. Maybe I partly did this because I was scared of losing her down the road so part of me wanted things to end early part of me felt like it was the responsible thing to do. Sometimes this whole integrity thing is just awful I want her back I want to talk to her I miss her voice I miss the pictures and phone calls I miss the video chats I fucking miss her and it makes me hurt knowing she is gone even if it's for the best I suppose. Other than that I started writing a story I have had in mind and I'm 27 days videogame free. I decided to quit gaming....forever. I'm meditating and I had a panic attack the other day which was kind of cool because it brought up some trauma I had and I found it to be therapeutic knowing I could make myself experience those things again and potentially heal them myself by facing them. The panic attack was not so fun though I couldn't breath and I was shaking. This is my big why for working out and what I shared in the group want to get into shape because I want women in my life and I want to be able to attract one's that take care of themselves. I like women that dress in well fitting clothes so I want my own body that looks good in clothes. I like the boody and thighs and back muscles so I want to improve mine as well. I want to be able to have sex and try many positions without being limited by my body because that's wack. I want to be able to lift my own body weight climb a tree be flexible run a marathon OK not a marathon but like really really long and far. I want to be able to have a good relationship with that cheese burger without shutting my mind off and eating everything else in sight because I feel like I let myself down. I people to look up to me I don't take over weight people very serious even if they do have good advice call me vain but I believe if you can't care for your body I won't take you serious so I have to embody this quality myself. Lastly I might want kids some day and I want them to look at me like a super daddy or some shit. Like that would be dope. Walk my talk -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  12. Today I decided to bring up the points I brought up in yesterday's post to my gf. She said she needed time to think about it as I was pretty open about things and I told onhad found myself looking at other women and had been considering talking to one in particular. I'm not sure if would actually act on it if that woman were to try and talk to me and what not. I just didn't want to keep anything from her. Wasn't trying to be ugly my gf said she was hurt and understandably. I don't know myself anymore though I do value this woman perhaps I'm not as in love with her as much as I thought I was and I do care about her deeply. Perhaps I don't know what love feels like or if it's as important as I. Are it out to be. So... yeah....I'm sad I cried after listening to old messages I had on snapchat her voice is so soothing to me and she has been very caring and nurturing to some.of my insecurities. I.somply was.worried down the line we would find an incompatibility down the line and all the pain we would have experienced wouldn't have been worth it. Perhaps that was my own neuroticism talking and maybe it's best for us not to let each other endure the pain of a long term relationship perhaps I'm the weak one here and can't handle it or I just don't want it. Perhaps I don't like her as much as I thought I did or maybe I do I just don't know how to deal with the pain I'm feeling I no longer have gaming as a crutch so..... yeah 22 days strong thus far. I went and ate a fat as Wendy's burger with bacon and lettuce onion tomato ketchup and mayo double patty with large salt fries and leg lemonade. I enjoyed it stomach feels bad but I enjoyed it. Other than that I simply went home and slept all day and figured I should at least journal my thoughts.
  13. Yeah I made a mistake we wended up crying our eyes out with eachother over the idea of breaking up. Admittedly I listened to my coach whom has helped me become who I am today and he sent me material on healthy relationships and I took it without question due to how much I value his opiniong but fuck it we technically already broke up not sure if I will be able to turn it around at this point but I'll figure it out. If she's gone she's gone not what I want but I'll take it as a learning lesson. Other than that I ended up eating some junk out of frustration frozen chicken sandwich cheeseitz and pot xtra not the greatest it satisfied me but leaves me feeling bkeh I've got roughly two hours of sleep ahead of me so. Anyways, I'll check in later on how it goes.
  14. Today I decided to bring up the points I brought up in yesterday's post to my gf. She said she needed time to think about it as I was pretty open about things and I told onhad found myself looking at other women and had been considering talking to one in particular. I'm not sure if would actually act on it if that woman were to try and talk to me and what not. I just didn't want to keep anything from her. Wasn't trying to be ugly my gf said she was hurt and understandably. I don't know myself anymore though I do value this woman perhaps I'm not as in love with her as much as I thought I was and I do care about her deeply. Perhaps I don't know what love feels like or if it's as important as I. Are it out to be. So... yeah....I'm sad I cried after listening to old messages I had on snapchat her voice is so soothing to me and she has been very caring and nurturing to some.of my insecurities. I.somply was.worried down the line we would find an incompatibility down the line and all the pain we would have experienced wouldn't have been worth it. Perhaps that was my own neuroticism talking and maybe it's best for us not to let each other endure the pain of a long term relationship perhaps I'm the weak one here and can't handle it or I just don't want it. Perhaps I don't like her as much as I thought I did or maybe I do I just don't know how to deal with the pain I'm feeling I no longer have gaming as a crutch so..... yeah 22 days strong thus far. I went and ate a fat as Wendy's burger with bacon and lettuce onion tomato ketchup and mayo double patty with large salt fries and leg lemonade. I enjoyed it stomach feels bad but I enjoyed it. Other than that I simply went home and slept all day and figured I should at least journal my thoughts.
  15. Maaaaannnnnnnn support mmmuuuuucccchhhhh to leeeeaaaasrrrnnnnnnnnnbb jeeeebus. Stocks skills money health relationships self meditation personal growth job that takes up 12 hours of my daily fuuccckkkkkkk. Anyways after today I started learning about I vesting and it's day blah blah I lost track and don't care anymore it's Gone! Out of my life. I need to talk to my gf if we are both on the same.page when it comes to personal growth. I mean we laugh we find eachother sexy but I need to makes sure that's not the only reason why I do.enjoy her humor and we both want to be married and she's not against another kid provides some financial stability we like similar music but after confronting her and her smoking and childhood trauma I can't help but feel she doesn't want to work on herself the same way I Do. So I need to make sure we are on the same page there. Super easy to talk to and j. Pretty damn honest and open by myself but her she kind of goes into fixer mode sometimes and I'm just sharing. So ummm yeah things to bring up! Working out was fun. Today did legs legs legs. Squeeze dem legs Boi. Woke up early which was Gucci thought about my current friends and was sad I may need to find new ones. That's rough I like these guys but they complain alot about work and I hate it too but still can be vixtimizing sometimes and I don't game anymore and they all game... so yeah sad face all around :((( other than that I'm tired ready for sleep....