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Suns

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  1. I do teaching learning new languages fitness relationship building financial freedom i have goals and i do chip away at them. Its hard to remember though at times the appeal of videogames to me was my high level of control and low consequences which is why i loved rpgs and games that offered high customization. In the real world learning to surrender to the consequences and the fact that i cant control other people makes me feel rather unsafe. Rather things that are out of my control make me feel unsafe mentally. Im all gucci though sometimes i just need to open up about my struggles at times. Thanks for caring enough to ask a question.
  2. Lately ive felt like gaming alot lateky im at 100 days tomorrow and its been a rollercoaster this past month. I just miss having something to do for 40 plus hours in a week a job you knoe i think thats what im missing being in the milotary and stuck to a job for the next 2 and a half years is just awful especially when im not getting any fulfillment out of it. Trying to find someyhing like gaming to preocxupy my time right now is painful as well im just tired and exhausted of licking up new hobbirs and tryimg again im sure this will pass and the motivation comes back but right now its bleh.
  3. 77 days since i last played videogames. 14 days since i last watched porn overall. Im doing well i have had urges here and there but the idea of breaking my chain and starting iver sounds painfully annoying. Gaming got replaced with lots of social media youtube and streaming but also learning spanish reading workingout socializing and emotiinal healing practices. Its been great and xhallenging and porn is my next videogame habit the struggle here has been. The need for physical pleasure and mental stimulation. Not to be vulgar or provocative but the desire to sexually dominate a woman is what makes it difficult to overcome even if that experience is entirely vicariously living it through porn. I can see how porn messes with a dudes brain and i find it to be the main culprit in why i struggled to create platonic relatio shios with women i find attractive. Im not a slave to my mind and women have so much more to offer than sexual gratification. Their friendship is nice and allows expression thats difficult to do with ither men due to social norms. Until next time oh and i find pencil and paper journaling more effective but i will come back to post every now and then for those that are going on their detox journey as well.
  4. Two months! Or 60 days. Its been okayish exercise and money management went up ive started eating cleaner i began dating my first girlfriend. Im learning spanish. Work is still garbage and untolerable. I started working with an emotional wellness teacher and ive began meditating and journaling as well as slowly pursuing my dream of traveling and teaching. Pretty good progresd id say 2 months of no videogames. Downsides i replaced much of that with youtube and social media. Porn is still a problem but ill be working on that one as well. Overall happy with my choice of cutting out videogames.
  5. Since quitting ive been able to give more time to my body emotionally ohysically and mentally. I still find myself sttuggling to do meaningful thungs with my time and thats quite alright ill keep improving as i becomore more focused and better attuned to my reasomings and emotiodn. I do occasionslly miss it all of my fr8ends except my gf are gamers so it is annoying to hear them talk about it. And i do ocassionally miss it. I did spend time with some friends this weekend snd it was wonderful and overall my emotional experience of things has improved overall happy with not gaming.
  6. Boredom wanting fun procradtination ive decided to journal my emotions throughout the day and before i do an activity to better understand what im using an activity for. When im avoiding something its typically food when im bired i use porn. When i want to have fun intend to watxh tik tok and youtube. I will have more to xome for myself kater
  7. Today i ate some chicken rice and brocolli with a lemon and olive oil dressing. It was tasty then i proceeded to eat 3 pop tart packages and like 5 beef stixks with lemondade. The chicken rice and brocolli was because i was hungry the rest of it was procrastination and avoidance of doing my break method homework and sleeping. Focus is something id like and i have been really horny for thick thigh and big butts as of today. I dont like looking at that stuff as i havr a gf i should probably tell her i was abd bot keep it a secret from her i know it makes me feel guilty. Not sure though it sucks not being able to touch her hold her and what not i get really horny and i want my gfs touch. So thatd frustrating and masterbation is nixe but i do it without porn sinxe im with her now. Which is p4obably healthier but it does make variety roufh. Id say its a mix of sexual desire and variety there and still being a virgin and i cant wait to see my gf in person i really want it to be enjoyable for both of us. Other than that the weekend is coming up and im exxited to catch up on sleep and study finances. It will be good for my future.
  8. Today i tried to surprise my gf with food and it didnt go through but she was super excited i thought about her. She was much mkre loving today i think that has to deal with me being able to show her i care long distance is hard and her wanting to be more friendly was leaving me feeling insecure but i told her about the insecurities and she didnt mind she found it somewhat endearing so it was xool to see id like to thibk im understanding her more in particular. Im considering doing better at my job because i want to be better for her well. More so for my relationships sh3 could be replaced but relationships with the opposite sex particularly romantix ones are i.portant to me i want to prove to myself thst ive learned and groq. And i like being of service to someone and i want to proce otgers wrong about relationship dynamics and atereo rtpes are bullshit. So i like being mentally and emotionally strong whixh is why i like journaling and meditatuon being physixally strong mKes me feel more comfortable being with her.as well as managing emotiins other tga. Thaf i want to improve at my jov so i can like myself more and b4 better for the relationship i think relationships are just a great place for me to focus myself and to bring the best version of me so working on finances and sthff also adds to it. I love her very mucn and i want to be with her for a long time but if it ends to.orrow i am having fun witg her so jm all guxxi manr.
  9. It was nice to talk to my gf today our communication is improving and I got alot of stuff off my chest our biggest issue being the differing sex drives. As well as the long distance. Skills....my biggest insecurity I want to develop skills I'm tired of feeling like a slave to other people's whims I just never want to do anything and it socks I do have alot on my plate as it is. UT my job doesn't help me develop skills I want. I want skills I'm proud of... or maybe not maybe I just don't want to feel insecure.
  10. Right now I feel saddish my gf hasn't texted me back in like 5 hours I'm used to her being more responsive we broke up two weeks ago she came back I wanted to continue as the only problem in the relationship was the distance between us but she didn't want to be as sexual anymore and wanted to get to know me on a more friendly level it led to a fight about me not wanting to be just friends she agreed that I misunderstood her. Now I feel like I pushed her away or something and I feel sad and stressed getting ready to bad hopping she text back soon. Anyways other than that I'm 42 days strong I have felt sadness about not playing videogames especially with elden ring coming up and some new dbd stuff 8ve been meditating do some work to help me process myself emotionally workingiut is slowly becoming my new favorite thing. Cleaning up eating here and there over all good stuff. I'm just a little sad about gf stuff it can build upon this belief that I will always be rejected it's not productive to believe she will leave me and she is not my mother or this girl from high-school whom I developed this I will always be rejected mentality it doesn't help me with my own growth therefore not worth stressing about so yeah I'm slowly feeling better. I will be sad if she left but that's okay. O just hate the idea that I reverted all my hard work over the years not being needy and not being independent and being happy on my own not that I was entirely when we met but that's alright I can keep moving forward it can be stressful but I'm all Gucci I got my coaches and I'm making improvements finances still need work and finding other things than watching YouTube and social media to fill me time. strong so yayyyyyy
  11. 7 minutes of desining a character. For future writing. Motivations Well he wants to become stronger He cares about friends He likes cake He wants to eat more cake He likes curvy women or women that care for themselves. He wants an awesome girlfriend This guy is me He wants to prove to people there is more to him than meets the eyes. He wishes people's would acknowledge the good parts of him. He's 9nto music and wants to be a musician. He loves comics and heroes. He's a virgin and would love to meet a woman that likes those guys. His father is sick but he the. Hara ter doesn't want to be miserable while saving his father and is torn on the inside because he wants to enjoy his life as well. He is selfish and wishes he wasn't and found joy and beauty in that. He likes beautiful woman that take care of themselves. He has an eye for colors and fashion and wants to be more noticeable. Singer write Dancer he wants to express his artistic side........ Music and magic that sounds dope as fuuuuxxxk Yeah so his father is dying, he has a love for music and he is torn he loves his father but he must give up his love for these things to allow his father to love and buy the medicine he needs so he becomes saddened he cares for his father but putting his own life on hold for another bugs him. He seeks out alternative ways of doing things in order to make ends meet and finds himself in gang territory and must defeat the magnificent 7 in order to win over his magical powers basically magic and dance... He's also inexperienced with women so
  12. Well I guess I'll start here I want to overcome over eating so a food journal has been the advice I've received. After I worked out I ate. A protein smoothie I suppose I felt good prior it was nice to drink a smoothie it tasted a little funny but kept me feeling good. Afterwards though I wanted to eat everything. So I stopped by the all american diner on. Base and ordered a burger w cheese toppings pickle tomato lettuce red onion and I went overboard with cookie and cake and rootbeer. Prior to eating I was hungry and a little annoyed frustrated I would like to date again hell I'd like to date my gf but I feel gross and fat again so I avoid talking to woman and its stressful it's stressful to eat like that. It just makes me feel like I'm rejecting myself even more it's alway get on your purpose first then find love or just do it it's fine or there is no one out here for you so don't even bother you are in the wrong place to meet others but indo miss my ex very much. I wish the distance didn't exist between us I wish I could tolerate being happy so I wouldn't stress so much about my future w her but perhaps that wa the sign we weren't ment for eachothrr distance goals and what not it I'd sad I hate bit I guess afterwards I just felt sick and what not but during eating it felt really good to eat whatever.
  13. So I want to start doing different kinds of journaling and today I want it to be 10 minutes of writing where I will basically type nok stp and not think and just put typed word to digital paper. So a stream of consciousness but with story telling instead of self reflection. Most likely it will be a mix of both. Farm boy the point I'm getting across in chapter 1 is introduction. We start off in an open field with a young man shoveling hay or riding horses allowing to. 3 made a full man by a plowing ourselves certain things and he fights a three legged horse and the horse toys to attack k as the solider falls down it was the last time he would do such a ygungn so that's when we left the kid alone he uses his pitch fork to bring down a knight and st the titne reignite the fighter and flame. The devil went down to the farm and the boy sat and laughed as a demon attempted to steal his soul Chapter? Lost chapters 10 minute writings You know, they count on you the way they let themselves be lead by you, the way you let them show up the way you allow them freedom within themselves they need that from you they don't get it from anywhere else. I look at him boldly yeah....yeah I get that but it is alot a times. Sometimes you don't know what to say or do and what if they get hurt trying to follow me I'm not sure I could handle that I think I would falter if that happened so yeah. Ibthibj I'll let myself be free of this burden! Burden? She snapped. This is your calling a rise to action howbcan you call them a burden. Indojt think you understand how much you actually mean to these people how dare you call them out and call them names fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Okay now what she exclaims? You uncomfortable yeah yeah I am, well then. Hop to it who are you to complain about the world. Around you.l let it flow through and allow yourself to be free and allow yourself the freedom to breathb10 minute writingncours. Yeah. Okaymmmm..... he exclaims tired and what not okay alright let yourself sleep and be freedom from all thingsnyou mean to her so I meanbyeah 10 minute jiurnaling ummm yeahbyour open means nothing to you allowing yourself to burdock! Kakarot! Veggie! We are the justice powers and friends don't you dare compare yourself to me you fool I am not the one you dare to write out if the way you pushy fuck monkey nuts. Hyaaahhh lemme be the first to let you know I am golden. Push those 10 minutes and getting tired is okay that is okay to feel this way. Yeah I like this better than daily reflection I think it will still have its place though. I'm looking to finish cuz I want to be done is it cuz indint like it nah I like it but it takes too much mental focus when all I want to do is sleep and that makes it harder to do so yeah.....yeah yesh..... 10 minute jam sessions
  14. So today I decided I would allow myself to be fat in hopes that seeing the limits or it will come out to yndersrand the limits ot my life I keep over eating I want to do the same for oorn and this is how I see it. If I keep living this way my stomach is always going to feel bloated I'm always going to have a hard time with breathing. I'm always going to struggle with ibs and diarrhea and constipation. I'm always going to feel uncomfortable in bed because my body feels gross. I'm always going to feel weak in my penis because of all the porn. I. Always going to feel inadequate or weird for watching lorn and these are things I am inadvertently acc we ping by participating in these behaviors. My chins always fats heavy this is my limit bloated and what not.... I'm hoping this helps me overcome that desire not to. Same way this thought process has helped me stay off videogames
  15. Today I got somethings on my mind u want to start dating again but I'd like to take sometime to figure out how to be motivated for myself un this world my coach says accepting and being okay with being single your entire life is the best way to go about this. I'm still not quite sure how to do that it's always confusing when I try to go down thus path. Like when I want something I can ask myself what would I be doing if I wasn't going to get approval but then I go down this rabbit hole of I'm thinking like this because I want the girl so it seems I'm not really doing it for me I wonder how I can short circuit that thought pattern such as well what do I think is a cool way to live and I think drawing andnwriting the cool shit in my head is really good place to start and sharing it maybe or thinking about what I think a cool job would be a cool way of being like being and artist or an engineer mcguyver type of person would be best for me I like that creating a cool story which i am taking the time to start writing so fun for me. I'm rather distracted I want to date but I also want to win like find women that really resonate with me and the last girl did just unfortunate circumstances were in the way and I know I have become healthier I'm writing because I want to I'm working out because I want to develop parts of my body u just wonder sometimes if I haven't developed as much as I believe which is odd to think about. I could be happy being single it just takes too long sometimes lol but I guess being okay with never getting there is part of it. The other day 9 approached a woman I have been wanting to talk to for a while and it was cool and I'm glad I did but I always feel super conflicted like I would sleep with her but is it okay to just want sex from someone why do I feel hesitant about that it's mostly because I don't want to be labeled a creep but like I don't know sex.... I find you physically appealing but I want sex... I want to sleep with you and that freaks me out i suppose acknowledging that I simply want to sleep with a woman before u get to know her a lot of the time and I think that srxual energy confuses me often. S3xual desire is a weird one for me at times and it makes me anxious about the future anxiety gets to me when I talk to women because j stress about the future how it will play out what will happen anxiety is probably the biggest reason I struggle with expression at times the future of something playing out stresses me the hell out. Stressed about the future this is probably where my neuroticism gets me see now as I'm typing thus I'm relaxed inthubj this is what I need tonfocus on when I interact with people I stress about the future and it makes it difficult to connect and explore in the moment... something I need to find a strategy to deal with.