Getting a new grip on life - Ayuso's diary

[alvayuso]

Yo dude! @WorkInProgressNice to know from you! Yea, speaking with someone else definitely clears ideas, and if this person is good at motivating, it will certainly motivate you! That is what I usually try :P, I am also glad we can continue our dialogs around here (dude I am getting better on typing just by writing this hella long messages, dang hahah

Ok I will start with the issue with my friend. This feelings are not simply towards this last thing, let me elaborate a little bit. I know this guy since I was like 7 or 8. He is 3 years older than I, but we did not became friend until several years passed (when I was 14). I will skip this part so I do not bore you with useless info. We maintained a good friendship since then and he was the only one that had a brighter way to think than the others guys in the group, which split in several pieces. When I was pretty fucked up, in the darkest hole of weed, videogame and porn consumption, plus being super lonely, I talked with him one day again (after idk, 2 years without speaking with him) and we met through discord to play games together. After playing some with him I explained him the situation, and that I was trying to fight back but it was pretty hard (not the entire problem, I skipped the porn usage because for some reason it is the most embarrassing thing back then). Since then he played quite a lot with me almost everyday, I could guess he was not having many connections lately too, so I think he was also pretty glad of playing with me. After that we have discussed many things, and he had to help me to understand pretty simple things (like social situations, since I was pretty far behind due to the lack of socializing lately), things that make me feel embarrassed of myself, and that hurt your ego, that someone has to explain you, and I guess he could see it in the way I would speak about it with him. Despite the  fact that I was not having much socialization, I would think about what he says me, since I don't want to have messed ideas in my mind, a good student do not just memorize, but rationalize ideas, and sometime I'd argue him, and we usually found common ground, even sometimes I corrected his ideas (which I could feel wasn't the most pleasant feeling for him). After like 5 years now from that, we have had maaaaaaaaaaaaany of those, but I have felt like he does not understand I am not in the same position anymore, so I feel like he keeps trying to 'teach' me things, and when I disagreed and showed him my thoughts about the topic I think he sometimes (not always) ended like a bit pissed or a bit upset about it. I just let it go like, I hope he understands, and even if we had tension I let him feel like I could still find valuable some of their ideas and take it as mine (which in my opinion shows respect), but when I do the opposite, disagree and show him my point of view, lately he has been upset in a higher rate (I feel), just like if he would be thinking 'what is this dude gonna try to teach me, you have not left your house almost in years and you come here to teach me what'. Again, I could be making it all in my mind, but I truly think it is what it's happening and I am tired of speaking with him about it and trying to find common ground to leave the tensions behind (something I usually did if I felt like I had to, if I felt it  was my fault, swallowing the ego because I fucking value his friendship a shit ton, and he also did a couple of times), so I am at the point of 'fuck it dude, whatever you say', and I do not want to send bad vibes or anything, I feel so much gratitude since he was helping so much having someone to talk with that I do not want to just explode with him or anything, so I decided I am gonna let it go and let him write me or call me when he feels like. Apart from that, it pisses me off a lot when I get called misogynist, because I have been almost a SIMP for many years, and I am waking up since some months ago, and this kind of shit awakens this inner 'they maybe right, women deserve blablabla...' in my mind, this shit thoughts that put me where I was in the first place for many years, and it pisses me off sooo much.  Women deserve equal opportunities and equal respect just like anyone, but men and women are different biologically and it makes changes in the brain that make them be interested in different things. Nothing more to say about the subject. Excuse me for maybe writing way too much but I felt you should need to know.

So, and my father well, to be honest I try to treat him like a grown kid, I have been where he was (eating super bad, anxious all time, trying to escape with whatever it is, idc if it is weed, food, porn or videogames, but eventually you have to face your problems and he is not a little boy, he is a grown man that has worked for many years bringing income to run a family, not easy task to do at all, so I try to motivate him showing him he can do it, I show him the small steps and everything, he does not have to think, he just have to commit, believe in me and be disciplined with himself (which sounds kinda stupid trying to teach this things to my father). He just lets himslef sliiiide so easy, spending hours on the phone talking with whoever about political issues that he repeats over and over again, like he is going to change how it is if he says them so many times. It is his responsibility, his hips hurt as fuck and he makes faces and says like 'uuuuuuuuhhhh....ssssssshhh aaaaaahhh....' but he still doesn't commit even if you tell him the consequences he is going to have to face, that is my father, and honestly I am quite pissed of the pussy way he faces problems, and the way he denies them to himself just laughing about them like if he laughs about how fat he is, it is not going to be a problem, and he even insults me when I asked him if he noticed he is obese, he is like 'ahhahaha fuck you' and flips me the middle finger... And it makes me feel like if I was dealing with an 11 year old boy dude. That kind of feeling over many different things have been happening during my entire life, and I understand you have not lived with him your entire life and you are empathic towards him, but I am not that empathic anymore. I have my own problems and I have to put so much mental endurance and strength in order to overcome then that, after I have spent so much time trying to make him think without almost no result in this aspect, it makes me feel pissed and tired...

[alvayuso]

51 minutes ago, Bird By Bird said:

Your writing made it sound like you hated yourself for using what you perceive to be an inferior instrument. I was trying to make you feel better.

@Bird By Bird

Excuse me if I sounded rude but the only comments from you in my posts have been the one on my presentation which I found a bit negative, and this one, and it pissed me a lil bit. I know it is not an instrument but it does not make it inferior, and I understood that, it is a different way of creating music and it is fun, that is what is truly important. Do not take it personal bro I just felt like it was not a very accurate comment.

Edited December 21, 2020 by alvayuso

[WorkInProgress]

@alvayuso

Regarding your friend: Evading to talk to him if you have this kind of relationship is a workable but not really satisfying solution. The first thing which popped to my mind as I read your description was: Tell him! Just talk with him about how you feel (while focusing on me messages). I. I feel like you are wounded if I am giving you advice and our roles kind of changed? Is this true? I really appreciate what you've done for me over the years so I would really hate it if our relationships would suffer only because I climb out of the shithole I came from. Or something else in the same vein. Such long lasting relationships are valuable and are worth it to be vulnerable and speak honestly about your thoughts like you did with me.

About that simp thing: I actually wasn't very successful with women (never though woman could be sexually interested in me)and came into the scene of the pua forums, and learned a lot about me. But on th other hand I always found them too extreme. Basically many of them were going from She is a saint to all woman are whores and needs to be objectified. Basically from Angel to Object instead of just seeing them as normal human beeing like yourself. It still had a good influence on me because I became more aggressive with speaking to woman and more confident in my ability to be attractive to them. As I started to realize that more woman were interested in me as I thought possible I met my wife and actually never had sex with other woman then her.  😄 Shrug. No regrets there that I never developed in a "player". Sorry for the tangent but I wanted to explain where I am coming from. Because if you say woman in general aren't interested in electronics it actually implies that this is some kind of natural tendency. But in my opinion this is just cultural baggage (everyone saying woman can't do this, so they believe it). Even a lot of woman do talk like this and it annoys me, because this kind of language worsens the problem if my hypothesis about nurture over nature is correct. It seems like you have the nature over nurture hypothesis. So who is right? As long as you respect other persons (regardless of sex) this isn't to important for us individually. 

About your father: I understand how you can be disappointed in your parents. My mother and my father have a lot of behaviors, ways of living that I can't respect. I try to focus on the positive (because thats what I do naturally in persons). And because I value our relationships anyway for the good things they bring me and because I know that they are human and have their problems. I try to respect their whole beeing despite their (obvious) faults. This works fine for me socially, in a way that I can critique people from a state were they know I still value them despite their failures. But that this works for e doesn't mean that this way of thinking is good for you. Maybe it is healthy to just stay on a longer distance to him. Maybe the best thing is to not give a fuck. That's a totally valid option. In the end he is an adult and responisble for his choices and you can't do more then trying to help him. If he can't accept that help this isn't your responsibility. If this fact leads to a lot of bad feelings for you I would say, be honest with him and tell him this and then don't talk about it anymore if he doesn't ask for help.

The main thing I realize as I type this out is that my advice to you ist his. Try to find a socially appropriate but still authentic way to tell people how you feel based on their behaviors and your past. People who are good for you will understand this and it will strengthen your relationships. People who are bad for you will not understand and it will drive them away. This is another benefit.

Here is an article from one of my favorite authors which could be interesting to you in this context: https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-signs. Let me know if I am talking sense or if it just to late for this comment 😉 Have a good time. And congratulations on the two weeks. Thats a great start and a big improvement to your old way of living. Maybe this is a good time to look back about your diaries and your starting days and realiszing how your day-to-day life changed so far.

Hear ya soon.

 

 

 

 

[alvayuso]

@WorkInProgress

Hey dude! Excuse me but, how I told you previously, I just don't find much time to come here and just write, I really wanted to answer you earlier but I just couldn't. I feel like I do not wanna be on the computer, recently the computer has turned from the source of escapism to the source of the boring tasks (such as continue with my thesis, or my online classes), so my brain want to avoid it at all cost, it is just trying to avoid anxiety I guess. I have been primarily skateboarding, working out and sometimes playing chess with my father. I don't know how to turn this boring tasks into rewarding tasks, I just feel anxiety and boredom when I am working on them and even if I know it is essential to complete them, it feels like if my brain would be kicking me inside when I am approaching them.. It is certainly annoying...

Anyway, I want to thank you so much for your advices, the other day my friend and I hanged out in person, and we did not talk about it but I felt him like always, and I realized I am improving at social skills, just by being out of videogames really, because I have not hanged out with anyone in a long time, so I did not feel like I should bring up the thing, I am just gonna try to avoid certain topics for now. I am glad he is not mad or anything with me and as long as we can maintain our friendship, idc what he socially or politically thinks, it does not affect me and it should not be the thing to talk about if I want to avoid that kind of conflict.

About the simp thing, I have had a different story, I mean, I have been with a bunch of girls in the past, but I have never realized how to be, since I have never had a proper role model on that, so I would fuck up on several things (like trying to lie to the girl like I want something when I just want to have sexual relationships), and recently I have been figuring out how to do this kind of things, and how to accept that I am who I am, and that you do not need to be TestosteroneMan to be a high quality man and a man proud of himself, some men are just more emotional than others, I just have to embrace a part of myself that I have been trying to deny for a long time (without any result by the way), and improve on things I know I can improve, things that require practice and confidence (like approaching women) and that would help me with my self-esteem a lot. I have never developed a 'player' dude, not much to say about it, I think I would still have fun if I do while I am young, I may have a good time, but it is not my priority at all. Apart from that, the idea that women in general are just less insterested in things than men, and that men are less interested in people than women (IN GENERAL) is real, and I could be writing a whole bunch of paragraphs about it  but I think it would be better just to discuss about it, I am always open to discussions, and if you feel like I would be pleased to hang out on discord to chat with you about this, I think it is really interesting!

Talking about my father... Man he is just weak. I tried to be again compassionate with him after I read you on Tuesday, and I approached him to teach him how to do some stretches, and he has been doing them but he was like: well I am not gonna do more apart from this cause this ones are just fine. I was like... alright... Then the next day I showed him how he should lose weight, he just told me it was too complex and I think he is not even trying. Whatever man, I am just way too tired. Things at home are fucked up all on the same way: people denying things so they become problems. My grandma has had several problems recently because of some things that would take me a long time to explain, but in general, all because she is also obese. She cries and says that she does not want to drag us with her problems, but even after HUGE efforts to help her to stay in a good health condition, I catch her hidden eating, things she shouldn't, but when she can eat as much salad as she wants, or other things, she does not... My dad also denying all of that. My mother literally 100% of the time complaining but doing nothing to stop complaining. It is all fucked up in the same way, and I am sad to admit that I cannot help them. I am gonna focus on my thing and try to avoid thinking on the stupid things that happen here with my family, because it really drives me mad.

 

[alvayuso]

On 12/22/2020 at 10:01 PM, WorkInProgress said:

The main thing I realize as I type this out is that my advice to you ist his. Try to find a socially appropriate but still authentic way to tell people how you feel based on their behaviors and your past. People who are good for you will understand this and it will strengthen your relationships. People who are bad for you will not understand and it will drive them away. This is another benefit.

Here is an article from one of my favorite authors which could be interesting to you in this context: https://markmanson.net/toxic-relationship-signs. Let me know if I am talking sense or if it just to late for this comment 😉 Have a good time. And congratulations on the two weeks. Thats a great start and a big improvement to your old way of living. Maybe this is a good time to look back about your diaries and your starting days and realiszing how your day-to-day life changed so far.

I think you have hit the target on that, I usually tend to try to help people way too much with their problems, as is that is what they really want, and that makes people uncomfortable, because I recently realized people not always want to solve their problems, sometimes that people just want to feel victims and feel sorry for themselves, but not actually improve their situation... So that is a really good advice, I am gonna take notes on that dude, thanks!

That article you sent me, I read it and I can tell you that, I have read similar ones, but this one was pretty good, certainly things we sometimes instinctively fall into and that are pretty toxic. I will read it a couple of times definitely.

Hope you good @WorkInProgress, merry Christmas and happy new year if we do not talk until then ;)

[WorkInProgress]

Hi @alvayuso,

sounds you got things in control right now. On interesting thing I learned recently is that every perceived "negative" emotion has its on use. I.e. Anger -> Releases energy to change things, sadness -> helps to accept unchangeable things, fear -> helps you to get away from danger. The key is not to suppress them or run away from them (as I tend to do) but to realize your feeling them, feel them, and then just move on. Later on you can reflect if it was the right emotion for the job. These motions are only problematic if they are extreme or misguided. If you are angry on someone who died, it would be healthier to accept that this can't be changed but that you are really fucking sad that he/she is gone. This allows you to move on.

How is that relevant for you? If you feel like you need to fix yourself first before you have any capability to fix someone from your family, you shouldn't be angry at them or yourself but sad that they are unable to change and that you don't have a working way to help them at the moment.

I hope you had a nice Christmas and this year will be as successful as you hope 🙂

I ill most likely only check in here less frequently because my on journal doesn't give me the value I hoped and my first one did. So I I'll journal more in private and try to get my shit together on an organizational level first before I spent time here. I hope you do well with your detox. Just stay sure that you keep moving in the right direction (away from dope/games and other shitty replacements for real live). Then it doesn't matter how slow you go.

Regards
Mario