Mostly a stream of thoughts to clear out and put down to proverbial paper.

I would also like to preface this by acknowledging that I am perfectly aware Australia is that place a person says: "fuck this shit, I am moving to Australia" - that is exactly what happened!

I honest cannot believe how far I have come. I still have clinical depression but man I feel like I am getting somewhere. I put down the pills and haven't gone back to them (they were helpful), I don't feel anxious and on edge 24/7. I moved to Australia to pick up where I left off. I never thought I would get here, really I thought it was a nice daydream 3 years ago. I moved to Perth an outdoors beautiful place to go. I stopped cycling for a bit in the UK but now I am using my bicycle here on a regular basis. My degree at this university is not exacerbating my mental embuggerance and I actually feel more productive than I have ever been. The sun shines the people are lovely, I can cycle to the beach anytime. I cannot believe such a turn of fortune and how much I am learning about myself.

--trigger warning, skip spoilers--

Spoiler

A while ago I made it a final closing gesture to games that I would play the next Doom and cyberpunk 2077 as that was something I had been waiting for, for years. Welp I play Doom, binged for 2 weeks and then... That was it. I had to recover for 2 more after that... but that was it. I felt nothing. I enjoyed it but I was done! I have a feeling that the inner completionist really, really wanted this and maybe it I just had to satisfy it build up strategies to not drop straight back in to the gaming world again. That being said I was ready for borderlands, and I didn't buy it. I think I convinced myself it wasn't worth it and the time spent investing in it would be too much. The next stop is cyberpunk unless I decide otherwise.

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I didn't really have a road map to get here, just some vague ideas. I stopped day dreaming about "what life would be like if..."

I have a vague idea about going to Singapore to work in the future. I have contacts and am keeping in touch regularly but am not holding out for it alone, my future is open.

Moving half way around the world, away from a toxic environment has helped me so much. Its one big life decision I do not regret, an expensive one - the money I save could have been a deposit for a nice rented flat, but I'd rather this than a squat in London for another 3 years or whatever. Besides, living in one of the few big cities that has been largely unaffected by the virus has been an enormous blessing too. A cliche to say but I do wake up in the mornings and think: man I am thankful for being here where life is still normal.

The workload for study is a little less but my grades have gone up, I nailed 95 in one of my units (accounts for 60% of the mark) which makes me eligible for a second honors degree (although I am actually not going to take it, I'll be too broke for that!) and am looking to repeat that success again this semester.

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I live alone with help from family and jobs. I feel very comfortable here, I can decide my own schedules and routines I don't feel restricted by anything.

One thing I have always asked myself is: do I really have friends? People get in touch with me, not the reverse? Who calls me to see if I am well? I think I am in the wrong group. I think I am perennially uninteresting (even if some say i am not on first impressions) and I am happy with that, I have after all gotten used to being alone, its rather comforting to not just feel, but actually be in control of that now. I think games helped fill that void. I get invited to one or two parties - first time I have ever been regularly invited to anything informal but I must admit, I don't give a hoot about it.

My time is spent cycling. I am going to a gym induction on Friday. I eat healthier and cook at home most days of the week and when I eat out, its cheap sushi. I  still sleep late but its becuase I enjoy working late nights, thought am looking to cut that out.

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As for you over here reader? Small methodical steps done in 3s and 5s. I would be thinking and writing down about how I could be more productive and how I could improve myself everyday. Half of it I honestly did not complete, the rest I would try, some of it worked some of it didn't. One of the best things was pickup Microsoft one note and rearranging the points I had made myself. I would make a timetable for half a day and complete it once a week until I got extremely comfortable with it. Small wins add up. I have no advice for settling in to yourself. I don't know how I did it, I guess its a change of mindset (which might involve going 10,000 miles somewhere else.) one day. I still make a note of the things I have achieved or learned ever day although I do it mentally before bed.

Yep I am that guy!

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I could go on but I have a class in an hour and need to get ready for it. Besides, who want's to sit through more droning disjointed reading?! I wish you all the best.

I cannot remember if I did this before but thanks to @Cam Adair for setting up this place and giving past opportunities.

3 hours ago, -n.g- said:

I would also like to preface this by acknowledging that I am perfectly aware Australia is that place a person says: "fuck this shit, I am moving to Australia" - that is exactly what happened!

Can't say I have ever had that thought! 🤣