C_Tail - Journal

[C_tail]

 

DAY # - 0

Today I will start my journey to stop once and for all with gaming. 

Name: C_tail 

Age: 25y old

Country: Belgium

A brief introduction, I played games for almost whole my life  I think one of the reasons was,that my parents weren't home much saw a lot of day cares. In primary school I was kind of an overactive child I used to burk a lot , be noisy, enjoyed fighting occasionelly. I never realised I was going to far though.
When there was a PC in the class, I remember it immediatelly caught all my attention. At this time I was playing a lot of Pokemon. My best friend was my nephew which also played a lot of Pokemon. An older friend of me was playing Runescape, that was my first game. By age of 14 I had allready 200 days + on the game. I enjoyed PVP'ng and making money with the G.E.. 

I also playde FLYFF, MW3, all Black Ops series. I'm a very competitive person. Beside football gaming took all my time, I had fights with my dad a lot which leaed to me moving at 15 to a boarding school where I totally closed myself up. When I came home in the weekend; I barelly talked and gamed 12hours+ /day. To afterwards spend my week in silence.

I also developed tremor which even isolates me more. My head literally starts shaking all the time. Possibly an effect over overbuild tension in all the years. I tried botox, all kind of medications with little effect. 

My biggest 'hobby' besides gaming is poker which is also one of the few things I'm proud of. 

I'm studying economics for 5 years at the university in which 2 off the years I didn't pass 1 course (the first and fifth year). I'm  highly considering dropping out.

Time I woke up: 12:00

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  04:00

 

Physical task:  Helped with the renovation of my sister home.

Mental task:  Reading respawn

Projects: /

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Started the journey respawn

 

Edited August 29, 2020 by C_tail

[C_tail]

DAY # - 1

Time I woke up: 11:30pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  06:15AM(I read 45 pages of respawn)

 

Physical task:  Not really did any physical tasks today due I fell asleep at one of my mediations at 04:00 pm

Mental task: I started learning again for an exam for school; organisation management

Projects: Passing my exam of organisation management

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Started to somehow grab my books from school

~ Didn't game or feel the urge

~ Put my PS4 on Ebay including scuff, all games

~  Closed my own discord group 

 

 

Summary of Day #:1

I yesterday in the night decided that I really wanted to stop once and for all. Untill 6 AM I was reading about ways  to accomplish this and planning for this challenge. Due that I went to sleep late, I also waked up late 11:30pm. I didn't felt any urges to game. 
I checked if someone allready reacted to my ps4 on ebay. - I putted it on there yesterday - saddly no-one reacted yet, I allready thought about dropping the price. I really want it out of the house for now. 

I started to learn for my last exam that will take place this monday. I don't know of starting again fulltime with school is the best solution. I'm quit scared  that learning will make me feel unhappy, again I have a lot of concentration issues which are making me feel tensed and unhappy. I don't want to feel stucked learning all day while I'm locked-up. 

After 1.5 hours of learning I decided to nap for 20 minutes which became 2 hours. In the evening I learned a bit more and also watched a movie with my family named Wildlings. It was a decent movie.I also reseted my ps4 account to make it completely ready for sale.

  

What I am grateful for today:

~  Good food as dinner: cauliflower with cheesesauce

~  Good conversation I had with one of my mates

~  Some hours where I didn't felt stressed

 

1 thing where I will focus on tommorow:

- Meditation

 

Oh yeah one more thing: I also quitted porn from yesterday.

Edited August 29, 2020 by C_tail

[Amphibian220]

Welcome to the forum C-tail. Hope you will experience a great come back by starting this thread. 

 

You have to fix your sleeping pattern to make it easier on yourself. Multi-prong approach: replace activities that keep you awake at night ( accept it that there are no screens from evening, the sooner you do, the sooner your sleeping and health recover) with more relaxing activities, set your alarm clock near the time you go to sleep. The setting of an alarm clock convinces you to go to sleep.

Another quick tip: fill your day with activities that serve your different needs, dont put too much pressure on yourself in one thing and this will help you in recovery. When i filled my entire day with study work I was breaking my schedule because it was not sustainable. Now I’ve got things like grooming, exercise, reading books (physical books, not internet) I enjoy, going out and this is sustainable. Even washing my clothes is fun.

Good luck on this journey.

 

Edit:

Oh and one more thing: most members underestimate what an active approach is needed for recovery. Don’t trust your autopilot but keep inviting new healthy activities into your life that mess with your old thinking and old habits. I kept seeing relapses in myself and others because “ I seem to be doing ok, may as well stop tracking myself in a diary and stop being accountable.” One month later they are back to old habits. Continue active tracking even when your going is good.

Edited August 30, 2020 by Amphibian220

[C_tail]

DAY # - 2

Time I woke up: 12:00pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  03:00am

 

Physical task:   Guilty again... tomorrow I will do 10.000 steps!!

Mental task:  Studied 4 hours of GTO

 

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Watched 3 hours of GTO play 

 

 

Summary of Day #2: I woked up at 12 pm and I tried to study, didn't felt any motivation whatsoever and decided to go nap... woked up at 4 am and decided that I won't do my exam and will see next schoolyear if I will try school again.

I watched some stupid videos on Youtube videos for some hours *about indian scammers that are been trolled*. After watching all those vids I felt pretty useless and shit. I kinda wanted to go play on my PS4. I didn't, what I did was starting learning some more about GTO (Game theory optimal play of Poker) and started playing some cash games. (!! poker for me is one of the few things that I love doing and I'm making good money with it for some years)

I however played to long untill 5 am, might be because I wasn't tired (cause I napped 2 much). I also meditated for 10 minutes.

Tomorrow I will focus on:

- Physical task: Atleast 10.000 steps

- Sleeping patern: Wake up at 12:00pm - and go to bed at 00:00 am.

 

 

What I am grateful for today:

~  The great game of Poker

~  The support of Amphibian220,

 

 

[C_tail]

DAY # - 3

Time I woke up: 12:00

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  06:00

 

Physical task:  Walked 10.000 steps in nature + cleaned my car

Mental task: !! I will cook something healthy in the midday tomorrow!

 

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ 10.000 steps

~ By ritme is a lot better then yesterday

~ Didn't felt bored today

~ 3 days without porn 😮

 

 

Summary of Day #3: I waked up at 12:00 pm, my sister, my sister insisted me that we will watch the new episode of Lovecraft Country. It was a decent episode, however I don't know how I feel about the way they serie portray every white men as the stereotype of a super racist and contradictionally every black men as an example of broad-minded and pioneering for that specific time. 

I played 1 hour of poker and finally cleaned my car which my dad was asking me for a few weeks. Then I walked 10.000 steps, ate, had a meeting with friends online about planning a trip to Spain, played like 3 tournaments and went to bed about 1.30 am. 

Tomorrow

- I will wake up at 10:00 pm, changing my ritme again 2 hours. 

-  I will search something healthy on Youtube and make it in the midday

- I might do something social /and or do my 10.000 steps. 

 

What I am grateful for today:

~  That I didn't felt any boredom 

~  The nature

~  The trip that I'm planning to spain

 

Cheers, 

[C_tail]

DAY # - 4

Time I woke up: 11:15am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  02:00am

 

Physical task:  Went on a bike trip +- 23km 

Mental task:  Made some tomato's in the oven + learned some GTO 

Projects:  Quit gaming + I want to read a book IDK which though

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ 22 km bike

~ Social activity, I did 3 bars

~ Learned some GTO strategy

~ 4 days without porn

 

 

Summary of Day #: Today was a pretty good day. I waked up at 11:30 am, a bit late, but I started my day immediatelly good by baking some tomato's with parmezan, herbs and toast - baked in the oven. A variant and good start of my day. I then went to study some game theory optimal strategy for poker and bought GTO+. Which I runned some solves on. I played poker for +- 3 hours and had a pretty good session. 

I called a friend if he wanted to do something and we went for a bike trip for 22km, where we stopped at some bars. I enjoyed myself, however I didn't felt quite fully myself due to some tiredness I can't explain. I really hope this will improve.

I find it really hard to relax myself and skipped my meditation yesterday aswell. I really struggle to relax myself in any activity beside sleeping / meditation. I want to focus on meditation tomorrow, ideally I wished there was some park like in Paris where I could sit and meditate with people around me, however I think people will call me mad if I do this at my hometown. I will focus tomorrow on meditating for 1 HOUR  - IDK where yet, but probably just in my room. 

Also I want to get some volume in poker, I want to play atleast  5 hours of tomorrow and might play some WCOOP tournaments in the evening. I want to go to bed before 2 am again and if possible even earlier (if I don't run deep in tournaments).

This is my 4th day that I'm not wasting my time at any unproductive gaming or / porn and I'm quite more happy. As I'm writing this and relax in my bed my head starts shaking - tremor - this is a release from the build stress and business I experienced today I guess. I will take it.

Where I will focus on tomorrow

- 1 hour of deep meditation

- Searcing a book that I will read, suggestions welcome!!

What I am grateful for today:

~  The sun that was present on the bike ride

~  The girls that are beautifull in the bars 😜

~  My passion for poker

~  That I started this

If someone reads this thank you! And I will love to hear your thoughts. 

Cheers,

 

Edited September 3, 2020 by C_tail

[C_tail]

DAY # - 5

Time I woke up: 12:00pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  02:30am

 

Physical task:  Walked 10.000 steps in the forest

Mental task:  Long conversations with family and 1hour of meditation

Projects:  Searching a good book to read

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ 5 days in without any games

~ 10.000 steps

~ 1 hour of meditation

 

 

Summary of Day #:5

I waked up a little to late (again), tomorrow I will wake up at 11 am. However I started the day pretty good, made some healthy breakfast. Did like 2 hours of poker, cleaned my room, did dishes. Also I did 1 hour of meditation - the longest ever for me - It went good and I felt quite relaxed however my neck-tremor was present the hole time which made it difficult to sit still. 

After dinner I had some long conversation with my family, probably I will move out soon (2months) so I can be more independent and can focus more on the things I want. Quite scare though the last time I lived alone, I locked myself up and was such a zombie.

I'm not quite sure which book I will read, right now im finishing a book about perfectionism. 

5 days in with no porn also, this seems harder for me then no-gaming at some times. 

 

What I am grateful for today:

~  A warm shower

~  Red wine

 

Tomorrow I will focus on:

- Doing something social.

- Finishing my book and finding another one.

- 10 minutes meditation

[TheNewMe2.0]

Good job quitting games and porn. I'm doing the same, and meditating too. This is a long journey. Keep taking it one step at a time.

[Amphibian220]

C-tail, I think both poker and wine are no good because they have scope for controlling you just as gaming does. After gaming has compromised the ability to control yourself, its better to stay away from similar things.

As subtle as it may sound, try looking for a light cardio activity (the respawn workbook has suggestions on non-addictive activities if you are on it). I currently am doing back stretching exercises that are at the same time good for blood circulation and concentration throughout the day. There is also an element of challenge to them. I know you walk each day, but I suggest something that is more engaging. Walking will not work many of your muscles.

All the best.

edit: atomic habits by james clear is a good book

Edited September 3, 2020 by Amphibian220

[C_tail]

3 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:

C-tail, I think both poker and wine are no good because they have scope for controlling you just as gaming does. After gaming has compromised the ability to control yourself, its better to stay away from similar things.

As subtle as it may sound, try looking for a light cardio activity (the respawn workbook has suggestions on non-addictive activities if you are on it). I currently am doing back stretching exercises that are at the same time good for blood circulation and concentration throughout the day. There is also an element of challenge to them. I know you walk each day, but I suggest something that is more engaging. Walking will not work many of your muscles.

All the best.

edit: atomic habits by james clear is a good book

Thanks for the concerns. Poker isn't bad for me, I'm doing it for a few years to make some $. I'm paying my college and college-room  with it. I take it very seriously and it's a big passion from me. If I would see that it interacts with my my (social) activities / keeping rythm , for example, I will consider quitting. Right now I'm very happy that I stopped gaming and I am been productive again.

What do u suggest when going out for a drink? Alcohol in bars is inevitably in my circle of friends. When I drinked home this week it was also 1 glass of wine. 

Thanks for the suggestion for stretching exercises, I will focus on that activity tomorrow.

I added your book in my - must reads - 

[C_tail]

DAY # - 6

Time I woke up: 11:30pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  03:00

 

Summary of Day #: Today I waked up,  drived to a sandwich store for breakfast. I had a meeting with my coach which went fine. I'm still not quite sure if I want to sign-up again for college this year... Tomorrow however I will look-up more college rooms and process the information that the coach gave me.

I finished my book: Tell me that I'm ok (about perfectionism). I played pokers for a few hours to then go meditate before dinner. I spended some time with my family I wanted to go for a walk but we didn't had a flashlight.

I found a new book to read: De keuze (the choice) from Edith Eva Eger it's about Autswitsch. 

Day didn't felt bad but I missed my movement.

Tomorrow I will focus on:

- Stretching exercises

- Processing some information the coach gave me

- Dong some social activity with a friend

 

What I am grateful for today:

~  French fries

~  Good new book

~  My coach

 

Over and out! 

[edit] I think I failed the no-porn challenge, a crush on Instagram fucked me over... on the bright side it isn't porn ... right?

Edited September 4, 2020 by C_tail

[C_tail]

DAY # - 8

Time I woke up: 10:00am

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  02:00am (didn't slept untill 4:00 am due to musquitos)

 

Physical task:  Went bowling

Mental task:  Readed a book, helped shopping / sending mails

Projects: Reading book the choise

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ I read 120 pages

~ 8 days without gaming

~ Didn't watch porn for 1 week!

~ Set very strict boundaries

 

 

Summary of Day #:7 and 8 

I didn't had time to write about my day yesterday, I slept with my nephew. We had some fun bowling and hanging out. I also taked care of some emails I had to answer. I also searched for a studio/ college-home for now I have one offer; it doesn't include a little private kitchen; it worries me a bit cause I need my privacy.

On day 8 I waked up and helped my nephew with his dishes. I went back home eat and played poker for like 2 hours. After that I mostly read my new book: ''The choice by Edith Eva Eger''. It's a book about a girl who went the Autswitsch, but it's so much more then that, she helps open your mind to positive thinking, get out of depression and bad habits I would recommend this to anyone!!!''

I watched the games Belgium - Denmark, played poker untill 01:00am showered and right know I'm going to read a bit 😜

I'm really happy with this first week. I made some good progress and feel so much more productive. The things I struggle the most right know is choosing if I will go to college next year or take a year off to work at my health and or do like a bit of the courses in University.

 

 

Over and out! 

[C_tail]

DAY # - 9

Time I woke up: 11:00pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  03:30am 

 

Physical task:  Nonetoday

Mental task:  Readed 100pages and did some poker

Projects: Finishing the book

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ I read 100 pages

~ Ran deep in WCOOP 135/+-5.000 people

 

 

Summary of Day #:9

I read like 2 hours today and then mostly played poker - sunday is THE day for poker - I ran really deep in a tournament and busted after 9hours of playing. I did felt really tired at the end of the day, a little bit to much. 

Right know I'm going to take a bath for 30 minutes and afterwards finishing the last 100 pages of my book. 😃

 

 

Tomorrow I will focus on:

- Doing something really physical, probably play tennis for 2hours if my mate is not up I will go run 

- Clearing my mind which college room I'm going to take for next year. (I def want to move out the house)

[C_tail]

DAY # - 10

Time I woke up:12:00pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  02:30am 

 

Physical task:  I played tennis

Mental task:  Finished my book *the choise* and started a new book American Kingpin from Nick Bilton

Projects: Finding a room to live

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Finished a book

~ 10.000 steps

 

 

Summary of Day #:10

I waked up at 12pm because I got stuck reading my book last night even though I was tired. I watched the new episode of Lovercraft Country and had breakfast. I played for 1.5 hours poker and went to my friend to play some Tennis. 

After the tennis we went to a bar and in the evening we had some American Pizza from the Pizzahut. Normally I always sleep over but I felt so tired that I went home. Home I started reading a new book American kingpin from Nick Bilton. It's about the start of the Silk road; a website where you could buy drugs anonymously. 

I never knew I was this passionate about reading. I felt tired a lot today, I hate those feelings. I take care of myself a lot more then 10 days ago, I shower every day, brush my teeths, I have been mentally and socially engaging,... but I still feel like my brain is foggy. I wish this physical signs improved. When reading; I feel like my eyes are heavy and watered, sometimes it even feels like how people describe dyslexy; however the feeling I have is more all-embracing. I experience those feeling almost the whole day.

I also made my mind up about what I'm going to do for college next year. I will do my remaing courses, that are 3 hard courses :math, programming math and physiques, without passing these I have restrictions the next year to get my degree. However I won't be preoccupied the whole time with school and still have a lot of time to work at myself and even see if I can fix my physical symptoms. Also I can focus on my passion; poker a bit more.
I feel a lot of pressure when I'm at home right now. My father doesn't talk to me and I feel targetted a lot. There is huge tension all the time. That's the main reason why I want to move the house. 

 

 

Tomorrow I will focus on:

- Having a long poker session +- 6 hours of grinding 

-  My mate will probably come over to play some tennis

- Talk with my mom about doing 3 courses this year 

- Reading the rest of respawn.

Edited September 7, 2020 by C_tail

[C_tail]

DAY # - 11/12

Time I woke up:11:00pm

Time I went to sleep yesterday:  02:00am 

 

Physical task:  Day 11 (running) / Day 12(Tennis 2hours)

Mental task:  Finished my book the Kingpin (day 11/12)

Projects: Finding a room to live

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ Finished a book

~ Tennis

~ Decided what I'm going to do for college next year

Summary of Day #:11/12

I had a lot of physical complains last 2 days, my tremor was present a good chunck of the time which made me quite hopeless. However I did a lot of work, I again finished a 300 page book - The kingpin - which was quite good. 

I managed to control the hours I play poker and I did my sport. Also I had a chat with my parents about what I'm doing next year, I'm still going to college however I'm not taking all courses. Just the 3 hardest courses that will make it possible for me to get my degree the year after this year. I can focus on my health this year an

 

Today I will focus on:

- Healthy eating

 

Edited Tuesday at 01:02 AM by C_tail