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Chitemple
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I'm on day 97... 

I am craving gaming a lot today. 

I recently started playing chess online and I wonder if that constitutes a breach. 

I also made a dummy move a few weeks ago and without thinking, played a game at the movie theater with my girlfriend.

So I wonder if I need to start over again or what? 

 

I find it difficult to manage my other emotions outside of gaming. I feel bored, have low energy, and without work, the free time is getting to me. All I want to do is sleep.

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1 hour ago, Chitemple said:

I'm on day 97... 

I am craving gaming a lot today. 

I recently started playing chess online and I wonder if that constitutes a breach. 

I also made a dummy move a few weeks ago and without thinking, played a game at the movie theater with my girlfriend.

So I wonder if I need to start over again or what? 

 

I find it difficult to manage my other emotions outside of gaming. I feel bored, have low energy, and without work, the free time is getting to me. All I want to do is sleep.

I think chess is a game. If it's played virtually then it's a video game. It would be a full restart technically, but you didn't know it was a breach. I'd say don't play them again and continue at 97 so you don't end up kicking yourself. But I'd hold yourself accountable and say if you did it again start at 0.

What are you doing for hobbies? I don't see you mentioning any constructive hobbies or playing music, exercise, cooking, art, etc. 

Edited by BooksandTrees
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On 4/5/2020 at 6:04 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I think chess is a game. If it's played virtually then it's a video game. It would be a full restart technically, but you didn't know it was a breach. I'd say don't play them again and continue at 97 so you don't end up kicking yourself. But I'd hold yourself accountable and say if you did it again start at 0.

What are you doing for hobbies? I don't see you mentioning any constructive hobbies or playing music, exercise, cooking, art, etc. 

Hey BooksandTrees,

Thank you for your interest in responding. I suppose you're right. I am feeling some of the same relapsing symptoms, such as isolation (doesn't help that we are in quarantine), irritibility, exhaustion. 

It kinda helps me to put my mind on something.

I consider it a breach then, and I'll have to start over from day one. 

Hobbies? 
I don't do much.

I spend a few minutes reading each day. Few minutes writing. And Maybe I'll spend a few minutes doing tai chi or playing guitar. Or a few minutes chanting. But after that I'm bored, and going outside is really difficult for me.... It's really hard to convince myself of a walk or something similar. 

Doing these things without any real competition or goal that motivates me is really difficult. 

I'm just so depressed.

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On 4/5/2020 at 6:04 PM, BooksandTrees said:

I think chess is a game. If it's played virtually then it's a video game. It would be a full restart technically, but you didn't know it was a breach. I'd say don't play them again and continue at 97 so you don't end up kicking yourself. But I'd hold yourself accountable and say if you did it again start at 0.

What are you doing for hobbies? I don't see you mentioning any constructive hobbies or playing music, exercise, cooking, art, etc. 

I guess I could entertain art.

I have been cooking, but not passionately. I feel so damn tired everyday. I feel like I'm under the clock and I am under pressure to finish a project. It's like I've past the deadline and I'm panicking to get something done. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what has to get done. I don't know the most effective steps towards mental health, financial independence, a passionate career, passionate living, or just towards confidence and joy. 

I seem to be obsessed with self improvement that it is the only thing I seem to be able to talk about with my peers. 

I've been tasked with shrinking the inner critic, but this is really tough work, and I feel like it's difficult to really keep track of progress or to have a foolproof way of taking gradual steps forward. 

I feel like every task is monumental in the pursuit of achieving something because I'm comparing myself to the expectations of others. 
 

Things are very much two steps forward and 1 step back. And it is really hard.

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15 minutes ago, Chitemple said:

 

I guess I could entertain art.

I have been cooking, but not passionately. I feel so damn tired everyday. I feel like I'm under the clock and I am under pressure to finish a project. It's like I've past the deadline and I'm panicking to get something done. But I don't know what to do. I don't know what has to get done. I don't know the most effective steps towards mental health, financial independence, a passionate career, passionate living, or just towards confidence and joy. 

I seem to be obsessed with self improvement that it is the only thing I seem to be able to talk about with my peers. 

I've been tasked with shrinking the inner critic, but this is really tough work, and I feel like it's difficult to really keep track of progress or to have a foolproof way of taking gradual steps forward. 

I feel like every task is monumental in the pursuit of achieving something because I'm comparing myself to the expectations of others. 
 

Things are very much two steps forward and 1 step back. And it is really hard.

I think this is one of those stretches that all of us go through. Honestly, you're exhausted. I just think this is the case since I've had long periods of time where I feel exactly like you. I've been 77 weeks free from gaming and I still feel the same way you're feeling sometimes. 

Try simplifying things for the next week. Pick a bed time and a wake up time and stick to it for a week. I suggest earlier wakeups around 7 AM and sleeping at 11 PM. That has worked for me, but you might feel different. But since you feel exhausted, listen to your body. You might actually just be tired and not resting enough. Sometimes you need to rest for a week or two and then you feel ready to go. 

That's something that video games doesn't let you do: relax. You're always competitive and always trying to progress your stats or rank. Trust me, I used to be a professional gamer for 7 years before quitting. You're always training, researching, competing, and it's stressful. I was not sleeping, getting digestive issues, and always irritable. I wished I could watch a movie, but I'd fear I was losing exp gains or ranks. 

Give yourself permission to relax for a week or two and don't get any creative goals. I'd just find a consistent sleeping schedule, eating schedule, do some home body exercises for 10 minutes a day using "Home Workout" app. It's free and fun to use. It will give you some competitive juices because there's a timer and completion aspect to it. I don't think you'll enjoy walking right now. It's too boring. Some people love it, but for others it's too boring. You have a lot of pent up frustration. I find that when I'm always tired it's because I'm depressed. I believe depression is the suppression of anger and frustration. It's like your body's self defense mechanism to calm down. Exercise is good to release frustration. This app is all body exercises like pushups, etc. I think that will relieve some frustration. The less frustration your mind has to deal with the less energy your mind spends. That will make you less tired. 

With art, I think instead of trying to make something I'd just think about how you feel. If you're angry and agitated just sit there and make a bunch of angry lines and color around with it until your anger is gone. Then you might feel like laughing and doing something stupid with what you made or something.

You're used to being proficient at video games for hours. Now when you're learning new stuff it sucks because you're bad at it and there's no escaping failure because you can't hide in video games anymore. So it's time to trick your mind into doing activities to relieve stress and those will be good hobbies eventually.

You're doing great and I promise you'll get through this if you commit to it.

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There are a couple of interesting things, which I can see here.

10 minutes ago, Chitemple said:

I seem to be obsessed with self improvement that it is the only thing I seem to be able to talk about with my peers.

This is very much something, I can see within myself. And I think, it is quite common at gamequitters as well. We understood that gaming is not suitable anymore to fulfill our needs and keep us happy. The question is: What will give you that feeling?

 

12 minutes ago, Chitemple said:

I don't know the most effective steps towards mental health, financial independence, a passionate career, passionate living, or just towards confidence and joy. 

This might be a reasonable goal, I can see in your text. Are those the things, which you want? What about your identity? Who would you like to be? It is really not that important to have everything layed out, but you need a starting point, from which you can begin your journey. I think this journey is an evergoing process. You will always have the feeling that something can be improved. So it makes sense to understand, what that might be for you. What is the best thing to do? Start doing SOMETHING. Maybe pick one of those topics and start to adress just that alone. Maybe working out and getting lean and muscular might be an objective. Or becoming studious. Whatever suits you.

15 minutes ago, Chitemple said:

I feel like I'm under the clock and I am under pressure to finish a project.

If you don't know, where to start, then maybe start splitting tasks into babysteps. Just anything that is getting you one step closer to a dream of yours is already good. A huge problem, I often see in other people and even in myself is that we want too much in a very short timeframe. Give yourself enough room to grow. Change is not taking place overnight. If you have this expectation, you will set yourself up for failure or you might be to perfectionistic.

18 minutes ago, Chitemple said:

I've been tasked with shrinking the inner critic, but this is really tough work, and I feel like it's difficult to really keep track of progress or to have a foolproof way of taking gradual steps forward.

This is what I mean. This critic is always there. Just understand that just doing anything, which will make you go forward is enough. Nothing more is necessary. This is such an easy principle: You are 97 days without games and than you relapsed for example. So? Why bother with the numbers? What is better? A person, who is playing for 97 days or a person, who relapses after 97 days? I think the difference is HUGE. What is better? A person who is gaming all day long for hundred days or a person, who is not playing for almost hundred days but played some online chess here and then? Basically, are you closer to your goal by just eating one cookie or the whole box of cookies? It really comes down to simple math. The only thing that makes you feel bad about it is your inner critic, who keeps telling you that it is not good enough.

22 minutes ago, Chitemple said:

Things are very much two steps forward and 1 step back. And it is really hard.

And this is also something, where I don't see a problem really. Isn't two steps forward and one step back ultimately one step forward? I think the only thing that matters, is that you have some kind of goal to pursue and that you are going in the right direction. You will certainly stop here and then, but that is ok. And before I forget: Congrats for not playing games for such a long time. You nailed it! You are making amazing progress.

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