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two days ago i started to right my journal , first half day was pretty good but after that i completely ruined it after yesterday 3 pm . i slept at 11 pm night last night but i woke up with my phone sound because my friend  texted me  " hey long time no see what are you doing " we talked a little bit . i couldn't sleep , it was 3:15 , i ate something and started to study from 3:15 to 6 at morning 😑

at 6 i slept and i woke up at 10. after waking up i immediately started to study my books again , from 12 - 1 pm i worked out and ate lunch. but after yesterday stuff i feel so bad , something like guilty or anxiety .i become to aggressive today  , i don't know why but i installed instagram and spent all evening at instagram and youtube . it's 5 pm now i have 6-7 hours , attempting to back on my routine like past two weeks. but i somehow want to clear my mind and kill this feelings , i am at the edge of somewhere between continue doing right thing or backing to my past 3 years routine.

i needed to share this or i would explode . please share your experiences if you had times like this...

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Alright, so I have something not as drastic the last couple of days, where I watched some porn again and procrastinated. Also like 2 weeks ago, all the sudden, my troubles to wake up early came back. Now, I wake up, go to the bathroom, but then go back to the bed again and the struggle starts. I can't help it. So I literally have something like this right now. Before that, I was waking up around 5 for several weeks without trouble. I was extremely productive. I am still productive, but those times were crazy - I was a machine. 

The question is: What to do about that? Give up? Sure, give up, fall back into your old patterns and feel miserable about yourself. Or you could just deal with the fact, that after the easy times come the hard times. That is life: It is not all shiny and rainbows. After black comes white and after white comes black. I see it so often in this forum. The moment it gets hard, people freak out. Meh, leave me alone, I am a failure, I am weak. I am lost. Can you explain to me, why exactely you feel lost now? 

I preach the positive approach and I will to the point, where people become annoyed: You are doing great. And you will fail - many many times from now on. Don't run away from it: Embrace it. It is your friend. Right now, in these moments, where I am struggling with certain things, which were easy before, I am learning a lot more than in moments of happiness.

After this downphase, there will be a "highphase", where you will roll like crazy. This may last a couple of days or months or just hours and then comes the next downphase. Your only failure would be to give up. Just stick with it man and learn from it: Maybe you are studying too long. As a matter of fact, many studies suggest that studying for several hours is not productive. Are you really making desired progress? Think about this: What would have happend, when instead of studying 6 hours yesterday with the expectation of studying 12 hours and feeling bad about it, which caused you today to not get shit done and feel evec more bad about it, if instead you studied three hours yesterday and three hours today, without any expectations and with more than enough time to go out, enjoy yourself, take care of yourself, work out and be relaxed?

It might be that then you would have not installed instagram, because you would not feel stressed. Btw, I mentioned to have no expectations. I mean this. You are like a candy addicted person, who in the middle of the diet steps on the weight measurement device in the bathroom and checks the weight every 8 hours. Did I loose some pounds already? Why not? Oh no, I did not? Why even doing all of that? I should just go and eat candy. This is why people relapse. I blame the constant expectations, the numbers, the continuous checking, whether they already reached their goals. Honestly, whether you learned yesterday for 6 hours, for 10 hours or 12 hours, it doesn't matter. Why would it? Destroy your clock, ignore, how long you are studying. Your goal is to study your materials, not the clock. It would be a mistake to not study at all, but just go to it man. What matters is not one day of studying straight the whole day. This is the common strategy of many students on day before the test. The success come by studying continuously for many weeks and months beforehand. Oh, and deinstall that instagram crap. Do you even have an account? Delete it. Waste of time!

I am sorry that I did not share my experience with you in order to go and sit in the corner together with you and cry arm in arm. That is just not me. I will continuously punch you in the face, when you are doing something, which I consider to be self destructive and will make you feel worse and help you stand up again. Even with the risk that you run away. I take it. I feel, you can handle it.

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9 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

but those times were crazy - I was a machine

i feel this the exact same way . like 2-3 days ago i really worked like a machine .

 

10 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Can you explain to me, why exactely you feel lost now? 

constant thinking about future drives me crazy . the expectations other want from me . i feel the more i try less a can achieve.

 

13 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Are you really making desired progress?

about this , yes . i really learn what a read and i solve many questions with them in order to learn even more

 

15 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Did I loose some pounds already? Why not? Oh no, I did not? Why even doing all of that?

yea that's me...

 

16 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

t doesn't matter. Why would it? Destroy your clock, ignore, how long you are studying

i won't even look at the clock when i go to study ever again . my goal is just learn completely.  whether 1 hour , or 5 hours , doesn't matter . or about work out , i did 11 push ups , 22 squats  and 42 sit ups. if i look at the numbers the seem pretty low , but in a month for example , push ups become like 50  . i am trying to enjoy the process and not only think about the result

 

17 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

Do you even have an account? Delete it. Waste of time!

i deleted/removed my Email , instagram account  , twitch account , youtube account , everything

 

18 minutes ago, Alexanderle said:

I am sorry that I did not share my experience with you in order to go and sit in the corner together with you and cry arm in arm. That is just not me

you actualy did share your experience . i don't share my words here to give up , in fact i share what i am through now in order to decide to do the right thing, to get some help from people who actualy are or been through and they are standing and doing the right thing and that's what i am gonna do , or i could just say fuck it im not gonna do this .

 

i actually moved my books and stuff in a room in the yard  and i only back at home to eat and sleep . i fucked up most of this day but i try not to lose all of it and at least use what is left.

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The reason, why I concluded that you care about the time or the numbers, is because in your journal, where actually almost depressed, because you said that you "only" studied for 6 hours, when your plan was to study for 12 hours. That is a big number for me. And I consider myself to be a hard worker. Seems I can learn a couple of things from you. ^^ And you can also precisely tell me the number of push ups, squats and sit-ups. And there is nothing wrong with that per se. But a simple problem what those numbers can do with us: We sometimes exercise the wrong way. In order to desperately reach some number, we try to force ourself there. Even with the cost of dong the exercise the wrong way. Just to reach the number. That is ridiculous. I never count the amount of push ups. I have no idea, how much I can do. I just do it up to the point, where it starts to hurt. I just enjoy the process of doing push ups. The amount of hours of studying, the number of push-ups, the number on the weight measuring device, nothing is an indication of success. It can be a valuable tool of and give some direction, but it should not be the measure of success. 

This kind of philosophy has a huge benefit: When I relapse or don't make progress in terms of numbers, may it be to stand up at a certain time, loose a certain amount of weight or learn for a specific amount of hours, I don't get freaked out. Most people don't study properly at all, they don't workout at all. What they do is complain.

 

So go and work like a machine again. But remember, we are machines with a bug inside: Eventually, we reach a point, where it is not working properly anymore. If we realize that this is temporary state and just fight trought, it will be ok. If you will stop looking at the amount of hours, you learned on a daily basis, you will become less frustrated. Just the fact that you learned that day will be important. And you will be happy. And guess what I will do now. I will close the gamequitters tab and will get back to work. You have the freedom to do the same thing. 

Edited by Alexanderle
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You guys overdo youselve to much. Doing things like a machine is not plain right. Thats one of the major reasons our society has more diseases like burnouts or depressions.

You need to learn how to let yourselve go. There are tons of things to do without computers, which can help relief stress.

A basic principle in biology is, when an multicell organism does work it needs to regenerate.

There are many types of work, done with your mind or muscles. Regardless what type or work you do you always need rest.
Do not think of rest as in "Lying down and sleep". Try to find your inner selve.
That can happen with walking, visiting beatiful landskapes, or comepletely different things to do.

For me it's soldering or doing things with my hands. I love to use my power rotary tool (dremel).
I do work inthe IT sector, so having a diversion at what I am doing helps me alot to calm down and forget all the other stuff.

Don't be to hard on yourselve, you only learned to manage your energy.

That does not mean you are faster powered out than other people, it only means you do not have the routine in the things you do.

For example: Someone learning the piano has the hardes lessons at the start, but once he learns the basics it's an easy going.

Do not only think about what you do, think about how you do it. Learning things by heart does not mean you repeat all the stuff like a zombie. It means you learn how to learn things.

That also seperates the good piano player from the bad one (the ability to enjoy being a not so skillfull piano player is also a skill).

Who do you think gets a job faster, the one who can get people to laugh and is not as good as the other person who is a complete nerd and offends people?

Edited by creationlist

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14 hours ago, creationlist said:

Doing things like a machine is not plain right.

For me this means to just work with full concentration and to get shit done. Sitting in front of the computer and working for 7 hours is a waste of time, if 3 of those involve scrolling mindlessly through youtube. However 3 hours of complete laser focus are amazing. Not only do I like to do it, I also like the results and the confidence I get from beating procrastination.

 

14 hours ago, creationlist said:

when an multicell organism does work it needs to regenerate.

I agree with this one. Like completely. Sport does that for me. Or watching some series, or painting... 

 

14 hours ago, creationlist said:

the ability to enjoy being a not so skillfull piano player is also a skill

it is really not important, whether you are a skillful player or not. The only thing that matters in my opinion is that you enjoy the journey towards whatever you goal is. As long as you know that your goal is to become a skillful player and you ignore the fact that you are a beginner, it is fine. You just enjoy the journey and it is not relevant, whether you are a beginning intermediate or pro player. The skill will come itself, once we do something regularily with passion.

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On 2/19/2020 at 6:41 PM, creationlist said:

That also seperates the good piano player from the bad one (the ability to enjoy being a not so skillfull piano player is also a skill).

Who do you think gets a job faster, the one who can get people to laugh and is not as good as the other person who is a complete nerd and offends people?

Yeah that really hit me yesterday. I am absolutely terrible at piano... I can only play one-handed, can't keep count in my head, and have to write the letter next to the notes on sheet music to be able to play them. But I have so much fun doing it. It doesn't matter to me that I'm bad and because of that I keep coming back and learning more. If I cared so much about how good I was, I'd probably quit. In fact, I know I would because that's how I used to be: a complete perfectionist. I gave up so many hobbies because I wasn't a pro right off the bat.

And I know exactly what kind of person you're talking about when you say "a complete nerd and offends people". I've known many of those people, I think all of us do since they're rife in the gaming community. They're good at one thing so they have to insult and demean everyone else who isn't as good as them. I can attest to the power of being laid back and friendly. I'm the one at my office that everyone comes to for advice and help because they know I'm going to listen to them and make them feel better.

Kind of the opposite of how I am on the internet. For some reason I'm just a raging dick here. Lol

Edited by ceponatia
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@ceponatia

Really nice read.

One of the major things I learned when I sold all my electronic stuff.

I was more popular among people when they where not able to call me all day.

Even with a complete different view of the world, people liked me better than I was when I did videogaming to much.

It was the reason becouse I had more empathy, I think. Videogames made me dull. You see blood all day or learn the mario map by heart to beat your score.
That can not be good for your soul (and no, I do NOT think Videogames make people go rampage).

Videogaming can still be a huge experience, if it's used as a one time event for example.
There is nothing more fun to get a shallow party more going than bringing a Nintendo Switch with just dance.

For me it was important to find my inner balance.

First times without gaming or electronics where so boring. I slept all day at first.
But I also found out, that's not a bad thing if you do not overdo it.
So learning the difference of an "addiction" and an activity regardles if it's gaming or sleeping or doing workouts was hard.
Once you find your time shift balance it's going on it's own.

On 2/24/2020 at 1:27 PM, ceponatia said:

a complete perfectionist

That was never my problem, I know people who had/have that problem and it's hard.
They work days on their application just to realize the job is gone already for example.
I was the "know it better" guy alot what made me lonely. Realizing it changed my life.

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