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sskieller

Never again

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So...

I have been sitting in this situation before - even created a forum post here before. Long time ago.

This time I don't wanna keep relapsing again. It destroys my life like crazy everytime and it is just a crippling experience every time I fall back in.

This thing, this addiction WILL also destroy my relationship with my family and with my girlfriend, and that is just something that if happened, I could never live with.

So from today, 14-10-2019, there will NEVER be another game for me. By game I define it as follows:

No ONLINE/PC/CONSOLE/PHONE/ELECTRONIC DEVICE game of all types

No PUZZLES or LOGIC GAMES on electronic devices. 

No BOARDGAMES on electronic devices. 

What went well today?

I came back to this site and started on the final journey of my gaming addiction

What will I do differently tomorrow?

NO GAMING

What is my long term goal for now?

I will commit to work on my addiction each day. Maybe just 5 minutes, maybe an hour, maybe longer - but MINIMUM 5 minutes each day.

On my wedding day I want to show my girlfriend, fiance, then wife, a badge showing 5 months of no gaming.

 

FORMAT:

Days without games: 

Grateful for (3 things)?

 

What went well since last post?

 

What will I do differently?

 

What is my current long term goal?

 

 

Edited by sskieller
Journal Format
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10 hours ago, sskieller said:

On my wedding day I want to show my girlfriend, fiance, then wife, a badge showing 5 months of no gaming.

Welcome! I love this goal. Think of how good this will feel, and know that if you play this CANNOT happen. Every time you feel an urge to play, remember this!! 😄 I wish you all the best

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On 10/15/2019 at 9:07 AM, liam said:

Welcome! I love this goal. Think of how good this will feel, and know that if you play this CANNOT happen. Every time you feel an urge to play, remember this!! 😄 I wish you all the best

First of all, thank you Liam! That is so true and didn't see it in that light before, so thanks for pointing that out to me. 🙂

 

These couple of days has been kinda easy since it is still so fresh and the motivation is still in full flourish - something that in my experience fades and flourishes again with time. 

I have been tempted a few times on my phone, but since I now has a blocker on the phone that stops me from installing apps unless a code is written, which I of course don't have, it is rather easy for me to not get tempted. Google play store was my tempting place before with all the games advertised all over the place. I dont really use the PC for gaming. I don't have for a long time. It has been ruined for me knowing that I can't get to play for long, and that it is the single worst decision in my life to do so. The phone is really where the problem has been.

The solution to this problem has always been to keep working at the problem. Tell myself every day, that "Today, I will promise myself that I will not game" and then be the person that does not break a promise to myself. When I am weak, that's where the barriers are great, and the goals are really important. I just haven't worked on it. "It was probably okay gaming once in a while...". 

Anyways. Yesterday I attended a company eat-out where we went to this VR place first. There a movie where you sat in a shark cage and could try the VR experience. Which was fine and showed a little bit about what VR is. Then there was a multiplayer zombie shooter game with my colleagues which I did NOT join. Instead I spent the time talking to those people who were not in an experience. And I am proud of myself that I did not fall for the temptation.

Today I will enjoy time with my fiance, having a day with a bit of a headache from yesterdays hardships and just enjoying my "holiday". I will also get further with the respawn objectives.

Tomorrow and sunday is birthday parties for my family and my SO's. But on sunday I will attend the first GA (Gamblers Anonymous) meeting in a long time. They tell you that the only way to stay game free is to work it all the time and attend these meetings, and so naturally I cannot stay game free when I only join once every 2 years. So I have promised my self, my SO and my other family that I will attend every week, sunday, at least until christmas, whenever possible. I also told my parents about my relapse and as such my fiance will no longer bear the burden herself. 

I feel like I have been given another chance to do right by my fiance, and so I will.

She is my princess on the white horse.

 

Days without games: 4

What went well since last post?

I did not game, and I did not join in on the company VR gaming experience.

What will I do differently?

 

What is my current long term goal?

Showing my 5 month badge to my girlfriend on our wedding day.

Work at it 5 minutes each day till the day I die.

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So these couple of days has been kinda busy with birthdays and me still trying to turn my sleeping rythm from holiday and not enough sleep cause games, and coffee at the wrong hours (8pm for example). But I went to the GA (Gamblers Anonymous) meeting today and I had a blast. It was really great going down there and getting to talk with some people some of who shares the same problems with me, and some who have other problems than me but just talking about it. I met a guy that I started the addiction treatment with and he's been doing great, having been free of gambling for over a YEAR - holy shit, I've never done that. My longest is like 7 months. So proud of him.

Anyways, I've promised my girlfriend I will attend these meeting every week on sunday, and so I will. It is really a great opportunity to talk with someone IRL. It is however only once a week, so I will keep my journal as well and mix it together. I think this will work best for me. 

My newly gained increase in free time not spent on games has meant that I've actually done some of the work I've been thinking about doing for quite some time now - and not been endlessly tired and unable to do it. So all in all I am feeling great. My girlfriend has also been able to relax more now that I'm not running around in the shadows, lying to her and all. 

But: I NEED TO WORK IT EVERY DAY. EITHER I'M MOVING FORWARD, OR I'M SLIDING BACKWARDS.

 

Days without games: 6

Grateful for (3 things)?

That I still am with my girlfriend
That I am doing okay in school
That I have a family that supports me through my hardships
What went well since last post?

I went to the GA meeting, told my story, and it felt REALLY great going there again and opening up.

What will I do differently?

Start writing things I am grateful for

What is my current long term goal?

Showing my 5 month badge to my girlfriend on our wedding day

Work min 5 minutes on my addiction each day

Edited by sskieller

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On 10/20/2019 at 10:57 PM, sskieller said:

But: I NEED TO WORK IT EVERY DAY. EITHER I'M MOVING FORWARD, OR I'M SLIDING BACKWARDS.

Nice work my friend. I particularly appreciate this sentiment, I've been reading a lot about personal trajectory and this seems like a really positive conclusion. There's no standing still - if you're standing still, you're going backwards. There's a Chinese proverb (there always is!) that goes something like:

"Be not afraid of going slowly, be afraid only of standing still"

For me, I think that's key to building a positive personal philosophy. Keep it up!

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@liam thanks for your kind words. I do think that most of us could learn from some Chinese proverb 😄 Jokes aside, I think working a positive philosophy as you mentioned is very important to keep moving. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These last few days have been great. 

Monday went with tons of studying and then had a great evening with my girlfriend, where we had full focus on each other.

Tuesday went with school and then an 8 hour session of DnD in the evening, great fun.

And finally today, wednesday, I went to a christmas sale with my girlfriend and mother in law, which was super duper nice and we had great fun. Also we found decorations for our wedding! Which was not even christmas decorations..

I can really feel that my girlfriend is much more happy now that I actually give her attention while we are spending time together, rather than before where we spent time together, but my attention were at the games. 

Also I am really looking forward to going to the GA meeting again. I kinda miss being in that place with all the wonderful people and all the wonderful support. It's really great to have a place where you can let go once a week, and people just listen to you. 

Days without games: 9

Grateful for (3 things)?

- GA meetings

- My girlfriend

- Christmas! A little early, yes yes, I know, but still!

What went well since last post?

Haven't gamed at all

Went to school where there were a few people gaming - in school... - and I did not really think about gaming. Well... that's not true. I kinda wanted to game, but with all my restrictions set up, which makes it ultra hard, and most importantly with my goal of setting a 5 month streak on my wedding day, my thoughts quieted down after a little while. 

What will I do differently?

What is my current long term goal?

5 month streak at my wedding day on 14th march 2020!

will work with my addiction minimum 5 minutes per day, every day!

Edited by sskieller
days not counted

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I hate to be annoying, but the black background and grey text is difficult to read with the white lines between them.

Jesus christ, I did not know that happened, since I'm using an extension for black theme. Thanks for the headsup

 

is it black=?

Edited by sskieller
test

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8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

I hate to be annoying, but the black background and grey text is difficult to read with the white lines between them.

is it black now?

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Thursday was a busy day with lots of work on the Bachelors I'm working on these months. We reached a huge milestone which means that we can move forward to second part now. Had a GREAT time with my girlfriend in the evening. Very cozy and happy evening.

Friday was just school upon school upon school which ended with me coming home, to a girlfriend wanting to do something, so we ended up playing board games at a café with "brother in law" because my sister wasn't home. We played from 20-01 so that was a long night, but fun.

Saturday went with drilling over 30 holes in the apartment for new shelves that needed to be set up, and a few new lamps as well. Took the entire day. Ended the day with joining a party for a couple of friends moving in together. Was really fun yet again.

Today, sunday, went with cleaning the entire freaking apartment, took like 4 hours - 2 people. So much stuff just laying around from the saturday drilling. But now its finally clean and it looks good and there is no more crap on the floor. Great succes. 

 

Days without games: 13

Grateful for (3 things)?

- Having a great bunch of people around me

- A clean apartment

- Being able to borrow a ladder near me when I need it instead of having to store it in my apartment

What went well since last post?

The only times I've had to restrain myself from gaming was friday afternoon, when a friend of mine asked if I wanted to play some random multiplayer game, where I really just wanted the time to go, but I did not accept the invitation. 

What will I do differently?

 

What is my current long term goal?

5 months badge on our wedding day

Work it everyday, just a bit.

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So these past like 14 days I've been so extremely busy. Had a gigantic assignment from school which I ended up spending close to 100 hours on, all in the span of 8 days... So I've been extremely stressed and haven't had the energy to journal at all. All I could think or dream about was that assignment. Thankfully I finished it friday afternoon...

Yesterday we held 1 year anniversary for our relationship, me and my girlfriend. Was a super great day which I had planned and she loved it. 

I also read the news about the new Diablo IV coming out, and I had a talk with my girlfriend about me thinking about it. It was actually great talking with her and explaining what I did to me. So I just gotta be extra careful the next couple of days. Still extremely tired from this assignment marathon and it's usually when I'm real tired that I get the relapse signs flowing. But nope, no relapse for me. 5 months badge instead!

 

Days without games: 27

Grateful for (3 things)?

- Finally being finished with my gigantic assignment for schoo

- My family

- Christmas decorations

What went well since last post?

- I didn't play

- I talked with my girlfriend about when I was tempted for something unlike what I've ever done

What will I do differently?

Not take huge breaks from journaling

What is my current long term goal?

5 months badge on wedding day!

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8 hours ago, sskieller said:

So these past like 14 days I've been so extremely busy. Had a gigantic assignment from school which I ended up spending close to 100 hours on, all in the span of 8 days... So I've been extremely stressed and haven't had the energy to journal at all. All I could think or dream about was that assignment. Thankfully I finished it friday afternoon...

Yesterday we held 1 year anniversary for our relationship, me and my girlfriend. Was a super great day which I had planned and she loved it. 

I also read the news about the new Diablo IV coming out, and I had a talk with my girlfriend about me thinking about it. It was actually great talking with her and explaining what I did to me. So I just gotta be extra careful the next couple of days. Still extremely tired from this assignment marathon and it's usually when I'm real tired that I get the relapse signs flowing. But nope, no relapse for me. 5 months badge instead!

 

Days without games: 27

Grateful for (3 things)?

- Finally being finished with my gigantic assignment for schoo

- My family

- Christmas decorations

What went well since last post?

- I didn't play

- I talked with my girlfriend about when I was tempted for something unlike what I've ever done

What will I do differently?

Not take huge breaks from journaling

What is my current long term goal?

5 months badge on wedding day!

Good job on focusing on your assignment and the anniversary with your girlfriend. Resist Diablo 4. I've managed to avoid all social media and don't go on Reddit so I have no idea about upcoming games anymore. I wonder if that could be something of use to you.

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On 11/11/2019 at 12:33 AM, BooksandTrees said:

Good job on focusing on your assignment and the anniversary with your girlfriend. Resist Diablo 4. I've managed to avoid all social media and don't go on Reddit so I have no idea about upcoming games anymore. I wonder if that could be something of use to you.

That would probably be an idea yeah. But it wasn't on social media or reddit that I found the news actually. it was just a standard newspaper which makes it even harder ...

Nevertheless, reddit is a source yes. But blocking the subreddits works wonders for me actually. 

 

The days just rush past right now to no end. I don't really remember what I was doing all of the days since I last wrote. It has just been a mix of eating, homework, school, assignments, more eating and sleep. And then the occasional "hygge" session with my girlfriend. 

I really feel like this will continue from now on until like the end of january when the exam period are finished.

 

I've begun looking for a job to start on immediately after school. Could be a huge boost to my economy if I could start right away. Would be so awesome.

 

Just gotta focus on one day at the time, staying on my long-term goal and then attend the weekly GA sessions on sunday. Even when I'm tired and don't really want to go. 

 

Days without games: 33

Grateful for (3 things)?

- A month without gaming

- Almost being done with school

- Having some hobbies that I like

What went well since last post?

Havent gamed

Have a wonderful time with my girlfriend

What will I do differently?

 

What is my current long term goal?

5 months badge at wedding!

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My days right now... Busy busy busy. 

Really looking forward to the end of this semester when I am done with school. I am so very tired of going to school now.

I've spent almost 7 years in the University, another 4 in College and another 12 in other forms of school. So I've pretty much spent my entire life in the school...

Now I just want to pass all subjects and get on with my life!

 

Days without games: 47 !

Grateful for (3 things)?

- Soon done with school

- my friends

- my girlfriend

What went well since last post?

- I have not gamed

- I have worked a fair bit on my school projects

What will I do differently?

Procrastinate less by writing my objectives into my calendar

What is my current long term goal?

5 month badge! already 3/10 of the way

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