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RB1

RB's Log (Take 3)

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Day 0 - 9/4/2019

I'm back. Again. Been driving myself insane for the past two weeks. I left just two days ago thinking fuck it, I'm just gonna do what I want when I want to. Play games whenever live life however. I thought I'd be back in 2-3 months maybe, but here I am again.

I've been gaming 8+ hours a day for the days I've allowed myself to in the past two weeks. As a result, I neglected a very important responsibility that I've been pushing off that I've literally reminded myself every day for the past two weeks I'd get to. Well it was really far in the back of my mind for the past few days, almost forgetting about it. I remembered about it this morning and said I'd take care of it after breakfast. After breakfast, I ended up playing some games. Got lunch, said I'd take care of it after lunch, then played some more games. That lasted until about an hour ago which is when I remembered about that responsibility I had. Looked at the letter regarding the matter, and realized I'm past the deadline to take care of it. I thought I had another week to take care of it, but it was actually due today by 5pm. If I wasn't dicking around playing video games, I could've taken care of it easy.

I wasn't gonna say what I did, but actually I want to be upfront. I got a speeding ticket a few months ago and today was the deadline. I kept on saying I'd pay it later and now it's the deadline. I thought it was due a week from today so I neglected it till now. Decided I'd pay it tomorrow and took a look at the ticket after a long time. I looked at it at 6pm and I had till 5pm today to pay for it. I'd been gaming since 12pm. I'm so disgusted with myself.

This is the first time I've neglected a responsibility this important, but I've done similar things numerous times in the past. Pushing off important things till the last second, saying i'd do it later so I can game. So done with myself.

So unbelievable sick of my own bullshit, my childishness, my irresponsibility, and most of all, my utter weakness. So I'm back. I have to do this. Every time I go back to gaming my life goes to total shit.

Anyways I'm back. Rules this time.

  • No watching gaming content
  • No playing games solo
  • No playing games period, even with friends (unlike what I was saying for my 2nd detox) 

It's time for a change.

Edited by RB1
  • Like 4

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Took care of yesterdays problems. The outcome sucked, but wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I'm still extremely mad at myself and don't even feel like I wanna write at all in this journal. I'm just gonna make a score card for each day containing a list of things that if I follow, would mean I had a satisfying day by my own standards. Its not even much, but I just want to find some consistency in my life and see how I can keep up with it.

That list:

  • gaming free - 
  • exercise -
  • healthy eating
    • breakfast -
    • lunch - 
    • dinner -
  • reading/studies -
  • socialized -
  • youtube < 1hr total -
  • proper sleep (at least 7 hours) -
  • other (morning meditation, night time meditation, night time stretches, in bed at reasonable hour) -

           Mood:

Just gonna track these things to see how I do. Will post the previous days score after every day.

Score:  /10

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Day 1 - 9/5/2019

  • gaming free - √
  • exercise - X
  • healthy eating
    • breakfast - √
    • lunch - X
    • dinner - √
  • reading/studies - √
  • socialized - √
  • youtube < 1hr total - X (1hr 30min)
  • proper sleep (at least 7 hours) - X
  • other (morning meditation, night time meditation, night time stretches, in bed at reasonable hour) - X

Decent mood. Few cravings.

5/10

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Props on starting the journal up again. I think the anger at oneself is necessary to get motivation to quit. It's definitely been an important factor for me, but it does wear off after some time.

But this is the thing about gaming: it distracts one from one's responsibilities, as well from other things we could be doing. I ask myself: how much more money could I have earned, how many more languages could I be speaking, how much better of a person I could've been, if I didn't game but instead spent that time productively? And the answer is super scary.

I'd suggest a couple of things:

1) As you go through the detox, pay attention to your feelings. Once cravings kick in, try to analyze why they happen & why do you feel the urge to game? It's different for different people: distraction for some, achievement for others, competitiveness for yet another group... etc

2) Picture the improved you: where would you like to be in a year, 5 years, 10 years, etc? If you can't get there while gaming, it'll help a lot.

All the best!

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Day 1 - 9/5/2019

  • gaming free - X (watched some content)
  • exercise - √
  • healthy eating
    • breakfast - √
    • lunch - X
    • dinner - √
  • reading/studies - √
  • socialized - X
  • youtube < 1hr total - X (2hr)
  • proper sleep (at least 7 hours) - X
  • other (morning meditation, night time meditation, night time stretches, in bed at reasonable hour) - X

4/10

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On 9/5/2019 at 9:45 AM, RB1 said:

This is the first time I've neglected a responsibility this important, but I've done similar things numerous times in the past. Pushing off important things till the last second, saying i'd do it later so I can game. So done with myself.

So unbelievable sick of my own bullshit, my childishness, my irresponsibility, and most of all, my utter weakness. So I'm back. I have to do this. Every time I go back to gaming my life goes to total shit.

You are not alone this. Honestly, I struggle with being responsible and being myself, even feeling worthless sometimes. It's great that you are back and have a fresh start in life by setting games aside. I am impressed by your motivation behind your decision to quit, for negative emotions can be a great source of desire to take an action. Remember, don't be too hard on yourself and even if you do fail, you are NOT someone worthless. Keep up with the detox. 😉

Edited by Lea

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