Journal (Redmark)

[Redmark]

I relapsed yesterday.  It wound up happening in a kind of interesting way.  Since I knew that I shouldn't be playing video games, I ended up looking up videos of other people playing the games I would be playing (lets plays, etc) and I spent all night watching them play.  I realized, wait, this is just as bad as gaming.  And it's really late too!  Oops

So today is day 1, attempt 2. 

I have the rest of the summer off until school starts again.  Filling up all that free time is going to be hard, but if I do a good job maybe I can use this time to get my shit together and when I go back to college I'll be in better shape and have more of an idea of what I'm doing.  Tomorrow I'm planning on cleaning my room, doing laundry, and starting module 5.

[goodvibes]

@Redmark Several of the people I stay in contact here as well as myself have found we all tend to easily get sucked into sedentary activities as we find and discuss what we have found to help us to binge less often. Very soon I plan to have Wifi connected only one day per week once I finish transcribing & deleting my useful internet bookmark topics to paper. I really should just delete the lot of it and figure things out again as I go along but I have this big paper binder already so gracefully sorted with dividers helping me to file away information I deem pertinent as meticulously as possible. Really as long as its not something I am always looking at it is a step in the right direction. I think I will later transcribe this binder of topics onto spreadsheets. Typing 80 words per minute when I really get to work so it wont be a bad time sink. 

I have looked at game-play videos since after the 90 day detox and it's not a good place for me to be. My game addicted Dad is always playing around me so I really I survive off of affirmations in my head like "Hey look at that, what a waste of time" or "Wow is he going to sit there and play games all day?"

Addiction relapse can be frustrating but be proud that you got right back with the detox plan - nice going!!

[Redmark]

Day 2.

I'm feeling irritable.

I spent a lot of the day browsing the internet, but not the whole day.  I managed to make myself clean my room a bit and go for a walk.

I'm actually not happy about having the rest of the summer off.  It sounds incredibly lame to *want* to start classes up again because I didn't really enjoy them that much... but at least it gave me something to do.  I don't feel motivated to do anything now.

Filling my time up with activities and then actually following through with those activities is going to be very difficult.  I've never had much self-control. 

I got a discount coupon for a local gym in the mail... like the universe giving me a message.  I'm scared of going to the gym for the first time though :/

[Redmark]

Day 3.

No gaming.  Feeling alright.

A big chunk of my day was taken because I went to visit my grandmother in her nursing home.

I also cleaned up my loose papers drawer and sorted, filed, and shredded all my paperwork.  I had 2 years worth of stuff from school, job, etc.  It took a long time.

My next goal is to get a 7-day gym pass and try going to the gym for the first time by the end of the week.  Tomorrow I am planning on going shopping for some gym clothes because I don't really have anything to wear when I work out.

[Redmark]

On 7/7/2019 at 7:42 PM, goodvibes said:

@Redmark Several of the people I stay in contact here as well as myself have found we all tend to easily get sucked into sedentary activities as we find and discuss what we have found to help us to binge less often. Very soon I plan to have Wifi connected only one day per week once I finish transcribing & deleting my useful internet bookmark topics to paper. I really should just delete the lot of it and figure things out again as I go along but I have this big paper binder already so gracefully sorted with dividers helping me to file away information I deem pertinent as meticulously as possible. Really as long as its not something I am always looking at it is a step in the right direction. I think I will later transcribe this binder of topics onto spreadsheets. Typing 80 words per minute when I really get to work so it wont be a bad time sink. 

I have looked at game-play videos since after the 90 day detox and it's not a good place for me to be. My game addicted Dad is always playing around me so I really I survive off of affirmations in my head like "Hey look at that, what a waste of time" or "Wow is he going to sit there and play games all day?"

Addiction relapse can be frustrating but be proud that you got right back with the detox plan - nice going!!

Thanks for the comment btw!  Good to hear.

[Redmark]

Day 4.

Today wasn't too exciting... a plumber came by to work on the natural gas lines, and I stayed put watching him work because I was pretty paranoid that he might mess up and leave a leak.  I also wanted to see what he was doing.

I spent a big chunk of the day drawing too, which was great.  I actually felt pretty inspired.

I did go out and buy some workout clothes, washing them tomorrow morning, soon I'm going to run out of excuses to avoid the gym and it'll be time to check it out.

 

[Redmark]

Day 5.

Today someone I met last semester texted me to ask if I wanted to hang out.  I was so grateful (because I've been feeling pretty lonely), that I agreed that we could go hang out and play games over LAN at his house.

I'm a bit conflicted about this, because I just realized that would break the rules of this whole no-gaming detox thing I've committed to.

No matter what I'm going to do it because I already agreed to it.

For now, I think I've made a decision.

I think I'll let myself game socially only as long as:

1. I still don't play any games when I'm alone (never, not even for 5 minutes)

2. I'm not doing it all the time

and

3. I'm still making progress improving my life

My theory is that social gaming is kind of a different thing because it won't go on as long and it'll connect me with other people.  If I'm wrong and this leads to binging and self destructive behaviors, then I'll know that I was wrong and I won't game socially anymore.  If I'm right and I can game socially in a healthy way, then the rest of this detox is going to be a modified thing following these new rules.

[fawn_xoxo]

It might work in your health's favor to split the time shared with this person to gaming (since your already agreed to it) and pure socializing with other activities. I'd suggest to them that we play first, and then head out to do something fun. If they disagree, then sadly it might mean this is a gaming friend and can't help you at this time, they might only drag you back to what's an unhealthy place for you. But if they agree to doing other things, then great, you can rely on them as a contact for the new life style you're building.

Be vigilant.

[Redmark]

Day 0 ? 6 ?

Well I went over to my friends house, we played games for a few hours and then left and had lunch and walked around his neighborhood talking. 

When I went home I booted up my laptop, started steam, and just looked at it for a long while.  Why am I doing this, I asked myself, I'm so lucky to have summer off why don't I just enjoy myself and game?  This whole life-improvement quest felt pretty pointless, like I'm not going anywhere in life anyway.  I actually started one of the games but then I didn't get further than the menu before quitting out again.  I felt this real compulsion, this real drive, like I just wanted to game, but that was being balanced out by guilt.

The thing is- I've had summers before, many of them, for years and years, where I just sat around gaming all day long.  It felt good but didn't really do anything for me.  I want to improve my life, I want to get a girlfriend.  Something has to change for that to happen.

In the end it didn't follow my expectations and it also didn't cause a horrible binge either.  I'm not sure if I'll want to game with him again (maybe we can find something else to do???) The experience gaming with him really did make me feel more intense cravings, and I don't know if subjecting myself to that is smart.  I might just tell him about my attempted gaming detox when I mention that I want to do other stuff instead, although I wonder if he'll think that's strange, pathetic, or judgemental (he's a big gamer).

Side note: Cam said that "when all you do is game, you get really good at gaming."  I noticed that my friend was very impressed at my skill at the RTS games we were playing.  I'm really good at RTS. If I really succeed at re-directing that energy and I get as good at living life as I am at RTS games, I'll be a fucking millionaire in no time.  ?

[Redmark]

Day 1, entry 7

Today I went to the gym for the first time and it was very intimidating.  I'm not sure if I'm going to go back.