Keep it up, you do good!

[tirEdOrange]

Hey everyone!

My Name's Ed and I'm joining you here on our Journey!
I'm a 27 year old student and I had during the past 7 years huge problems with gaming. I basicly achieved nothing notable so far and I'm stuck.

But I'm gonna change that. And that's what this Journal is for.

Below this line I will write about all the achievements I made and how I motivate myself to keep going.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I deleted yesterday my archnemesis in gaming. Accounts are on the deleting list. I've been through this a couple times and that's ok. I took my time for me and I didn't find myself yet but I'm ready to explore myself and everything that comes with it. The Journey is the goal so I'm basicly already a winner for starting it.

I'm excited where my first destination will be? who knows!

But for now I will start. Start to study and tonight I will go for a workout. That's a strong start and I already feel pride for myself.
I feel a little bit too much anxiety to go to university tomorrow but that's okay. I will make up for it on my own.
 

I've been fighting lately with increased anxiety but I'll get rid off that, step by step ?
 

My Motivation for this journey:
Be the Ideal that you seek. Be the Idea.
My body and my mind are tools. Form them to something useable and then use them and give back as much as you can. Because everybody deserves to get something back in a world that absorbs so much.
Be the Ideal. Be the Idea. That is true strength.

[tirEdOrange]

Couple days in:

And I gotta say ---> I failed badly.

Gamed quite a lot, also got some things done but it's totally fine. It doesn't has to be perfect I just have to keep going ?
I'll try not to overdo it. I will for sure get rid of the temptations but I won't beat myself up about it.

Anyway, there's a lot to do during the next time and I definitly need something in exchange to the gaming. Something that I could do all the time and I think I'll stick to a new hobby sometime soon. Also pick up a book and start playing some guitar, all just for fun ?
If the tension gets too hard I'll try to get some sleep or do some sports, depending on how fit my body is.

Looking forward to everything I can achieve if I keep goin ? 

[tirEdOrange]

Wow seeing the time between this and the last post just shows how horrendously easy it is to relapse.
I didn't achieve a lot during the last weeks. I wanna change that and that's why I returned.

I'll give my best from now on. I believe that I can do it.

I removed all games from my computer(except 2 old games, but those don't hook me) in order to hit a deadline.
I wonder if I could completly let loose of all games and make it?

Edited July 17, 2019 by tirEdOrange

[fawn_xoxo]

Hello tired orange. What's your plan this time? I've found that I only really did well with the detox once I forced myself to do other things in all the newfound free time I had from not gaming, despite not feeling like it.

[tirEdOrange]

Hey there,

Thanks for answering @fawn_xoxo. From time to time i feel struggling but I found fitness as a good catalysator for everything.
Also, and that's probably a little strange, I like to distance myself from people right now.

Because... I gotta fight with chronic Depression every now and then,... sometimes more or less and sometimes I hope too much from people, that they will somehow support or care for me but I never feel like this happens... like there's rarely an occasion where somebody writes:
"Hey man, I know you've your ups and downs every now and then and i just wanted to ask how you feel right now?" and even tho I'm doing this for people nobody does it for me and.... this makes me geniunly sad.

So I kinda like the thought of distancing and it helps. I really start to get along with myself and start picking up hobbies I'm interested in just like that. And I really rely on training being there for me because it kinda sooths me to know that no matter what, if i put effort in it it gives me back results.

I just can't invest anymore in people and be let down, this always brings me back to gaming so hard and drains me so much. I know this can't be a permanent condition but I think, it's definitly a good starting point from which on I can test out how much I wanna open myself in the future. Even if it's about people close to me, i just feel so abused lately.

Or does it sound wrong to you? What do you think?

 

Edit:
Oh and i just can't regulate gaming at all so i really deleted everything and I will keep it that way. I'm currently on Day 8 of Detox.

Edited July 28, 2019 by tirEdOrange

[fawn_xoxo]

8 hours ago, tirEdOrange said:

I know this can't be a permanent condition but I think, it's definitly a good starting point from which on I can test out how much I wanna open myself in the future. Even if it's about people close to me, i just feel so abused lately.

I think it's absolutely fine to detox from social life for a while if you feel this way. I have found that boundaries and balance take a while to be achieved but they can be achieved through practice. The book about self esteem in my signature has a lot of good things about caring for ourselves while respecting others, which helped me a lot and still does. We do need to practice these things in order to get the results we want though, so when you feel a little more ready, I suggest you use that book as a guide of balance between being good to you and to others both and trying to socialize with that in mind.

Well done so far man!

[tirEdOrange]

Thank you very much for traveling with me!

Yeah, funny thing is I picked up that book by myself during the downphases of the last days and it's a masterpiece worth rereading again and again. I feel silly for not doing this earlier. I'll take it the next weeks as my mentor since my social connection always feel like they kind of backfire, as told.
I finished it onced and lived my live by it and it changed so much so immensely and gave me success until multiple recent events really broke my self-esteem down to a point where I relapsed and had suicidal thoughts and that's sad and was also caused by social connection, I guess that's where the fear of bonding comes from right now.

Anyway, training and dedication doesn't disappoint me but it's just not simple since it's a process so I'm going through a lot of negative emotions right now but I feel hopeful, finding back my momentum in sports, having a clear household and eating good food.

I'll just keep that going and not be too harsh on myself. I think that's a key problem, I always expect too drastic changes and break myself because of that. I mean it's also harsh times where no one cares about my mental health and just wants to see money and results but I gotta protect myself, even if it means letting down people and expectations.

Anyway I finished Day 9 and it's feels good writing this.

 

[tirEdOrange]

Day 15

Wait... it's already Day 15?

That happened fast, days are filled with work, meetings and fitness and I don't even realize that I don't play at all. I mean obviously it's a way to evade the main problem that I have to deal with but it's defnitly helping and builds up momentum that I can use, which I appreciate a lot.
Anyway, today's a day where I'm lonely and that kinds nags on me,... in a way. I appreciated being lonely during the last days and I'm getting used to it. Right now it's nagging on me but that's just a situation right now.

Anyway I went through my personal journal that I wrote regularly in since 1 year and.... it's kind of frightening. I really don't feel like I can open up to people because the reactions then break me up every time.
Staying "lonely" for a while will be the way for me....

Anyway, I'm happy I made it so far and I think I will keep it up. The progress keeps me motivated.

I bought Atomic Habits and Mind over Mood and I'm looking forward to read these books ?

[tirEdOrange]

Day 19

Small Relapse but I still think I reset the timer. So it's Day 1 again.

Met someone new, he is an active player and we bonded by playing. I was telling him that the next day I'm gonna delete since I can't handle gaming with the rest of everything that has to be done. Well I installed it again the next day and played like 4 hours before being so sick of myself that I turned my phone and everything else off and now deleting it again for good.

Just feeling angry right now but I'm feeling anger most of the time tbh and it's helping me out.

 

I'm sorry for the Relapse.

[Adminiculum]

Hey,

its a good sign that you keep going after a relapse! But try to write here every day, so you can stay better on track