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TimetoWalkAway

Giancarlo's Diary

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1 hour ago, Yogesh Olla said:

I hope that i can do the same as you and get my life back on track

 

Take each day with stride and don't give up. You'll find your path.

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Day 29

Had a good talk with K. After having a nice and personal talk I got a bit of an overview of the damage, I had truly caused, the aggression, pain, and suffering I dragged her through etching scars into me as I realize what my toxicity has caused, I realized that it's not just gaming that has dragged me down this pit. Gaming Addiction was just the chink in my demon's armors as see more and more coping mechanisms that formed the Goliath of my imagination, my persona made to deal with my bullying and powerlessness as a kid became a power fantasy and I realize how abusive I had become, how narcissistic I was. I burned and torched anyone that resisted, bullied and bent to my will....

 

 

I created a dark future for myself and she said that this was a lesson that I'd likely only learn once...

I want to make this shot count...
 

I want to experience freedom and truly flourish

I want to kill this demon

I'll stare into that abyss but I won't let it consume me twice.


Frederich Nietzsche truly was right, life truly has nothing unless we give it something. Amor Fati, Loving the life you have and embracing the cards your delt. I was given some pretty shit cards but I got some pretty good fucking aces up my sleeve and it's time to take them out. It's time to stop looking for meaning and finally make the damn meaning a reality...

https://www.instagram.com/p/BEzAJz3xNbp/
 

I drowned in a pool of my sorry by waiting for a knight in shining armor...I'm not waiting anymore. I'm climbing out of here...I just want to climb with her again...but with or without her. I'll come out of this battle a better person.

Spent time talking with her brother and I saw her innocent smile again...I just want to see it again...no matter what it takes...just hearing her sing and laugh makes me truly realize what I lost...

Edited by TimetoWalkAway

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Hey, good job on getting to the one month mark. I too have been losing people and things as a result of not winning in life. Those losses are on me and in part due to retreating into games instead of channeling my energy in a better way. I've been given no hope at reconciliation, "but with or without her"... as you said, "I will come out of this battle a better person." 

Thank you for sharing your heart here. You helped me tonight. Take care and stay on course!

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Day 30.

Time. 



Everything in this world revolves around it and the actions we take within it have it as an either a subtle of unique factor...as I sifted my internet history and everything out of boredom, I noticed the toxic environment I put myself in...This lovely youtube channel, the pursuit of wonder has given my advice I wish I was given earlier but...it's still advice that I can carry on within my upcoming journey.  I reflect and notice the anomalies that would've normally set off internal red flags but were mistakenly taken as false positives. If I found these channels sooner, I feel as if my mind would've been prepared and ready for my journey.


 

As you see. I lived in the Doomer/Zoomer Generation. I was born in 2002 and I was around for the massive technological leap as the internet slowly become a form of social networking...I had access to instant stimuli and echo chambers where no counter could be found. I grew up in the age of innocence and exploration where those who were exposed to it at such a young age were easily entrapped and encapsulated in the area.  But the innocence faded as people realized the power this network held. 

My mind becoming toxic as I saw the chaos and fell into a pit of despair as I thought I had no solution...I felt as there was no meaning and no way to find meaning. I believe that most of here on GQ Fall into either Doomer or Zoomer, as we progress to the Bloomer. We have decided that being masochists hedonist drown in our mental pits is not the fate we desire and we climb for freedom.

We're not boomers as we've become aware of the toxicity and acknowledge it while the boomer rests in blissful ignorance. This generation is a generation of informed apathy,  We all felt hopeless and turned to our vices to help cope which only led us further down the dark road...

 

There is no way back for us...as time travel does not exist. We can only move forward and look towards the advice of those who have gone through the fire. To those that look at us and see what it cost us, it serves as a warning or a flare.


 


We've walked down this dark road. 


For your own sake, Please...

 

Don't. Follow.

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13 hours ago, 30_yrs_of_gaming said:

Hey, good job on getting to the one month mark. I too have been losing people and things as a result of not winning in life. Those losses are on me and in part due to retreating into games instead of channeling my energy in a better way. I've been given no hope at reconciliation, "but with or without her"... as you said, "I will come out of this battle a better person." 

Thank you for sharing your heart here. You helped me tonight. Take care and stay on course!

Likewise, my friend, My chances at righting my wrongs with her are slim and distant, I feel my closing in when I know I should make distance, I believe that this is a sign that My battle is not over yet and the time for complacency is not now...I must tend to myself before I tend to others as I can't make anyone happy if I'm not truly happy. I must tackle the insecurity and sadness that plagues me.  

But...I recommend Frederich Nitzche's take on life as one must give meaning to the meaningless. Life is simply a strange constant and we are no different to the average animal in terms of maintaining our existence but.  If strive to give our lives meaning then we can truly find happiness and enlightenment.

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I remember telling my ex "I wish I could take care of myself as I take care of you." I've probably heard it thrice today already from different sources and I'll write it down too:

Love yourself. = Take care of yourself like of someone you would care for.

It gives me shivers on how much I resonate with that.

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2 hours ago, Ikar said:

I remember telling my ex "I wish I could take care of myself as I take care of you." I've probably heard it thrice today already from different sources and I'll write it down too:

Love yourself. = Take care of yourself like of someone you would care for.

It gives me shivers on how much I resonate with that.


Growing up as autism certainly delayed that lesson for the longest time. When No one loved me, I desired external gratification to find acceptance,  I lost the ability to look at myself and say. "I am good enough." I fell into a dark pit of gaming and RP to help stem that depression and find acceptance, I let the internet and gaming numb my emotions to the point of sociopathy until this pain brought me back to reality...I needed to learn to love myself before I could even consider loving her and In the course of this hell, I'm slowly learning to love myself as I discover other things about myself that I never knew. It feels liberating and rewarding.

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UPDATE: Lasted Till Day 50 

Taking a Step Back, I realized Gaming was simply a chink the issues that have been affecting me for a while. I've learned how to cut people out of my life and finally saw my grades spike, Naval BGO Spoke to me, Called me a "Diamond in the Rough". Funny. For my whole life, I've always been one...just trying to find the right jeweler to refine me. I'm glad I've been finally able to grow and finally make progress. Special Thanks @Ikar @30_yrs_of_gaming Without you guys. I wouldn't have been inspired enough to just back away and truly look in the mirror.

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