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Freelo_Is_Not_Free

Former lurker. Here to break my digital card game VOD habit.

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I remember reading a joke about League of Legends players on Reddit.  It went something like this:

"Getting high elo in League of Legends is nothing to be proud of.  Being good at League of Legends is like being good at being depressed."

When I was at my highest elo, I was like a hikikomori.  I would go weeks without talking to humans other than Domino's pizza employees.  I had aspirations of breaking into the pro scene and turning League of Legends into my career.  This dream did not seem completely delusional to me at the time, because I was challenger elo at one point.  However, I was only good at Karthus, and even then I relied heavily on level one cheese to get into challenger, so my aspirations were pretty delusional.  After trying in vain to bring my other champions up to par, I eventually quit League of Legends and decided to go back to school.

I doubt I would have been able to avoid League of Legends at school through pure willpower, but my internet was shitty enough to make playing League unpalatable.  I still wasted a shit-ton of time watching League VODs or playing Hearthstone, but I was able to complete my degree with decentish grades. 

The best quarter I had at school was the quarter I got annoyed by my roommate's TV watching habits.  They would watch loud TV programs when I was trying to study, and it made it hard to concentrate.  Because I was kind of spineless and afraid of conflict, I decided the best way to solve the problem was by spending all day in the library.  Because it was a less distraction laden environment, I actually spent less time on Reddit and finished my homework quicker.  I even had a semblance of a social life that quarter.

After graduation however,  I felt like complete shit for not getting more out of my education than I did.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, so I started grinding hearthstone.  As my elo increased, my hygiene habits approached what they were at the zenith of my League career.  The person that made me realize I needed to address my problems was the League of Legends streamer LS, of all people.  I developed a morbid fascination with his  op.gg reviews after he got onto the front page of Reddit with the infamous "snapping turtle" video.  I felt I had an alarming amount in common with some of the disturbed individuals that would pay LS ten dollars to shit talk their op.gg profiles.  While most of the time LS would just insult them, tell them to play Annie, and then collect the money, occasionally he would go all Dr. Phil on people.  At one point, LS opened up about his own struggles with depression.  I really appreciated his advice about finding therapists.  Specifically, he said that it might take more than one try to find the right therapist because "any idiot can get a degree".   This message really resonated with me, given that I had a degree.  Before hearing this, I was reluctant to seek therapy because of a previous unpleasant experience with it.

I have not played Hearthstone in over a year since then, and lost a lot of weight during that time.   It has been a good year for me, and I have made a lot of progress, but lately I have been having difficulties.  While I have not been playing video games,  I have been wasting a ton of time watching VODs of Hearthstone and MTGA.  (I even googled how to get MTGA working on Linux before I stopped and asked myself "WTF are you doing?").  I have also fallen off the wagon diet wise and gained back about 15 pounds of the 70 that I lost in that year.  I plan on starting a journal here tomorrow and hope that the accountability will help me sort through my problems.  Feeling shitty, but hopeful.

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