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Manhotelle's journal


Manhotelle

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Had no internet so missed my daily note ?

Day 7 

Nothing special: 2 goals achieved (did workout and read a book). Nothing comes in my mind what i had done useful on that day, despite 1 thing: i had an urge to finish my unfinished business right now. I had a feeling i need to do everything right now and use maximum effort, but... i resisted that feeling on purpose. Instead of rushing recklessly, i observed what were the obstacles that day that gave me enough trouble to finish up my daily plan. I came with obvious results: lack of sleep and messy thinking, because of it. And i gave myself a promise: if i know that i might not get enough sleep, i will get up 10 minutes earlier and meditate. And with that thought i ended my day.

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Day 8 

I had not enough sleep, so i meditate. 

It. Was. A blast.

I haven't been so effective for months. I have been so good, i finished almost all of my goals in 4 hours, despite all work stuff i was doing. Without a single minute of procrastination. It felt like i was a machine, i just did the best i could without hesitation. Everything was working like a clock until 13:00. At that moment i started to feel sleep deprivation and it was fast. 

Despite that i finished all my goals at the end of the day and even spent some time on my bonus mission!

The most effective day by far!

P.S. i noticed that my urge to finish things quickly didn't disappear. I but transformed into strong desire to get things done, because... I wanted to get those things off my list and do what i want to do. And i quickly imagine what i wanted. And there were no games in that imaginable list: freelance, an excellent english, good programming skills, finished exams and volleyball. 

I also think my disconnection from internet helped a lot. I didn't check my e-mails, nor i did read reddit. 

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Day 10

Here i am again. 10 days!

Goals achieved: 3/4

Bonus missions: -/2

I found myself struggling with my sleep schedule lately. I found new friends out here and spent a bit too much time with them after job. I like having fun with tgem, but it showed my weakness i have to cover quickly. I am lonely and i have no idea how to deal with it. What bothering me the mist is that I might relapse because of this again. I have a lot of "friends" in cs go. They don't have any connection with me and i did build the thickest wall between us i could, but... I have no computer out there with stable internet connection. Real challenge will start when i will get back to home and spend a lot of time alone with notebook and internet in my hands. What should i do to feel less lonely? Does anyone have any idea? 

I know i can get out of home if i feel about to relapse, but that is not a solution. I need to feel myself comfortable at home again.

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Day 12

2 goals completed, bonus goals remained untouched.

I still struggle. Struggle to convince myself that i'm doing right thing. That giving up some "fun" won't make my life worse, but better instead. That i will feel better doing anything, except gaming. I did not forget how painful were all of those days to me. I played and cried inside. I pretended to be happy. I absolutely sure of it. But i still afraid of changing my life forever, even though it would mean to fulfil my dreams. I don't want to lose my paper world despite knowing it is fake. Who will i be without it?

When i decided to give up on games i didn't see any other option, but to follow somebody's advice and push through. I will do everything in my power to be free from my addiction. But i did lie to myself and i want to stop doing that. I gave up on myself when i stopped playing games. I finally admitted i was wrong and my whole personality with my bad habits and attitudes are wrong partly or totally.

Somehow it was the hardest thing to admit: i was wrong. My way of life was wrong. I couldn't wholeheartadly do things i need to do to be more happy. Instead i feel guilt for being myself. I don't know what to do with it. It does not dissapear. It remains. I am doing good things everyday, i am applying Slight Edge principles, i become better day by day, it is noticable already, especially in my physical condition. But i still confused and i can't ignore it, like in past 3 weeks.

I wrote all of that and now i feel like i don't know anything about my true self. I am not even sure if i do really feel this way or is it just moment of weakness. Probably i was honest with myself. 

I want to spend more time being honest with myself, but i probably need to learn how to do that.

Edited by Manhotelle
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Don't give up man.  Give yourself some time to reach these goals.  So much self analysis is tough.  Don't feel guilty for being yourself.  Feel proud of who you are for recognizing the change you need to move forward.  Your journey will be tough.  But you'll be tougher because of it.  Never call yourself weak.  This journey will prove how much you can do.

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Day 19

I am finally home! In last days on my work i was quite busy so i skipped a lot of daily notes here, but i still tried to keep up with my plan. I do not miss my workout (which got harder a lot in the last 10 days) and morning meditation! I read 10 pages of a book almost every book (skipped only twice in the last 2 weeks) and doing more of my homework now. Doing pretty great!

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7 hours ago, Matt S said:

Don't give up man.  Give yourself some time to reach these goals.  So much self analysis is tough.  Don't feel guilty for being yourself.  Feel proud of who you are for recognizing the change you need to move forward.  Your journey will be tough.  But you'll be tougher because of it.  Never call yourself weak.  This journey will prove how much you can do.

Thanks man, never thought of giving up. Even when i sound desparate and pessimistic, it is only of my strict approach to self-analysis. I decided to allow myself to take an honest look at my actions and find the most obvious reason why certain things keep happening.  I do get sad of bad results of course, but i am learning to learn from them :) 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Day 1

I relapsed hard. I dropped my journal for 10 days, watched gaming stuff all that time and even played games for 2 days straight. But i don't feel ashamed or guilty. I am sure now that games is not what i want. When i relapsed, i let myself fully enjoy myself and have fun. And in the proccess i realised: i had enough fun here. I want to explore new options.

I do not trying to drop games anymore - i am learning new ways of having fun. 

P.S. i started attending volleyball training and it was a lot of fun! I want to contunue improving there:)

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  • 2 months later...

The biggest problem for me is that i can't stop gaming for more than 3 days. My schedule keeps me busy all day long until late evening where i am supposed to be doing my studies on my laptop. That's when i usually give up. Whenever i just think of studying for a moment, i start getting hard cravings, convincing myself that "it's fine and i can play a little". Now i am afraid, even terrified, to study, to be alone with my pc. What should i do? 

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