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I've done it again, haven't I. (J(e)RK's 3rd Journal)


J(e)RK
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This is how I'm gonna go through life forever, isn't it? constantly bouncing back between addiction and happiness, between strength and weakness. What a life. That's some food for thought, isn't it? Today I wasted a perfectly good day. I did the same for the last 3 days. I have plenty of things to do, but I just don't do them. I don't even enjoy the video games. I always think I do, but I just don't. It gets old. It gets frustrating. It gets pointless. But no matter what, I'm almost always happy when I go back. Of course, it's just nostalgia for when I had nothing better to do. But I have school. I have a card game. I have a piano. I have a ton of stuff to sew. But for some reason, this garbage heap of a "technological advancement" is what I'm stuck on. I don't even know what mindset to have, because I'm not even 100% confident that I can quit anymore. I'm not sure I ever could. So pardon me if I'm a little skeptical, because over the last weekend, I've decided to quit like 3 times and it just hasn't stuck. How did I do that the first time? How am I going to do that now? Both excellent questions. Until then, I guess I'll do the 3rd rundown of my interests.

I've played piano for 9-10 Years. Crazy, huh?

I'm a sophomore in high school.

I acknowledge two major types of a good life, which are the tough and the simple. I personally prefer the simple.

I'm a tad bit retro. Kinda looking at getting a record player.

I have also acknowledged that I have almost two entirely different personas, in the school me, and the home me. The school me is, if not tired, motivated and hard-working. The home me is typically on video games, and that's where he ends. I'm attempting to pull the two together, preferably with the school me being more prevalent.

I would prefer my pastime activities to include non-electronic items. I dislike technology, in general. The only exception for me is music, and that's the exception to most of my rules. The other thing I would consider would be photography, but I'm not super sure about that.

I fall sleep early and get up early.

Overall, today has been pretty bad, but the sad part is that it has been a good day by comparison. I'm gonna go to bed, g'night, and good luck in your journeys. Hope I didn't ruin your night, but I doubt I hold that much weight.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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Good luck for this time around! Sure, you fell off the wagon again, but here you are giving it another shot and that's pretty cool! :) 
We can only try our best right? No one is perfect, but the fact you're not giving up shows how much you want this, and I believe if you want something enough you will make it happen. 

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Day 1

Well, today was pretty good. I'm finally beginning to catch up in my book for English class. I still need to finish some math homework, but overall today was nice. I am feeling a bit tired, but I think I just need to get over this crisis that I've been having recently. Not much to talk about today, school dominated the day.

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Well, not even day 3 yet and already relapsing. I went ahead and blocked steam support on my gmail account, but the day was still lost. Man, I just wish I could do it like the first time. One whole month, almost two, and not a single minute of video gaming. But here I am, once again, stuck in my path. At least I know it. that's more than some have, I suppose.

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On 16-3-2018 at 3:39 AM, J(e)RK said:

Well, not even day 3 yet and already relapsing. I went ahead and blocked steam support on my gmail account, but the day was still lost. Man, I just wish I could do it like the first time. One whole month, almost two, and not a single minute of video gaming. But here I am, once again, stuck in my path. At least I know it. that's more than some have, I suppose.

Get insight how your day looks like. I had the same thing, i quit very strongly for 3 months straight, then i relapsed. The next time i tried to quit it was sloppy and lazy, i didnt change much, almost nothing actually. Write down the stuff you do, or the small things that make you game again. Find a course or a new hobby, or start running. Maybe find an accountability partner or stop right now with gaming, tell everyone on your family you are quitting. Give someone 500 dollars in preservation, tell 'em to send it to any charity of their choice if you game again. Commit to your commitment again. You know it, you know how it feels if it goes well.  I'd like to end with a quote

"if you’re used to be happy, and now you’re not, then you should go back the way it was when you were happy"

 

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Day .5

Well, it's been a week. I hate myself. The school talent show is coming up, and I need to practice for it. Have I? No. For that matter, I haven't done anything constructive today aside from going to school. I got home and ate a full stick of butter with a bowl of popcorn, and now my dad is upset at me. I mean, why wouldn't he be? All I can do nowadays is screw up. How am I supposed to do anything right if all I am apparently physically able to do is wrong? I've set goals. I know who I am. Video gaming is not something I want to do. But still, I cannot pull myself away from it. How am I supposed to do anything with myself if all I get to do is waste away in front of a screen? This I do not know. What I do know is that the computer screen is a load of garbage. It doesn't work for me. Whenever I think about it outside of my room, this much is apparent. So is it my room that is the issue? Or is it that my sanctuary is truly in the computer, and not in the room? The place where my worries can melt away, where I can be alone and not bothered by trivial issues. I see that there is no place in the natural world where this can truly be achieved. But that does not give me a right to run away. I want to be free. As free as I can be. That may not happen for a while, but it will never happen while I still play games. Maybe I just need to remove myself from the social aspect. Whenever I talk to my mom, she ends up saying that video games are "Not that bad," but I know otherwise. I have no support outside of this forum, that much is clear. Oh what the hell am I saying, anyway. It's all gibberish, in the end. One truth that I can never again escape, though, at least not for long:

I. Hate. Video games.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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I can relate heavily to most of what you've said. It's been an almost seven year war for me. Sometimes I've felt like this is how I'll always be: stuck in addiction and despair instead of the productive and happy life I want.

But... I see the way up in front of me. I don't have any other option than to climb it, and by necessity I do. And I find myself farther along and my muscles stronger each day. So if I slide back down some it's easier going back up.

The same is true for you. You'll reach the top.

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Day 1

Today was good. Not exceptional, but good. I managed to stay off of video games, primarily by drawing. I enjoy it, although I'm pretty much no good at it. I've also messed around with some chess puzzles. Pretty fun, overall.

School was fine, I practiced a little piano, and I have began to recover from these thoughts of constantly wondering about what Binding of Isaac synergies to mess with or hope for or whatever. I recognize that I had fallen into a little something that I'm going to, for my purposes, call the Skylander Trap, because the first major time I fell into it was with the Skylanders games. I would just keep buying and buying, and the older stuff, which was cool and exciting before, became pointless. Call it progression, and for certain in some areas it does apply, but not when it comes to a video game with unchanging difficulty. In the end, it became almost a grind to mess with new stuff, just like in Skylanders. There was no emotion. No feeling. I would buy a new Skylander, go and grind out the arena until it was max level, and mess with it for maybe a week before buying another. After I had bought almost every single Skylander at the time of the Giants (I think it was the second game), I realized that it was a stupid game and that I honestly didn't even enjoy it. It was a grind, plain and simple. There was no joy, in the end. I spent somewhere around 400$ on that game, money hard-earned. It was easier to do things without the emotion, like watching a video or playing some grindy game. I see myself fall into this all the time. First it was Skylanders, if even. The Binding of Isaac, on and off. Buying things for Team Fortress 2. Warframe. So many different games, but the same principle: no brainpower. no feeling. no emotion. just monotonous, pointless playing. This is why artistic pursuits are better for me. You can't do that with writing. If you do, then rather than be rewarded or getting any feeling of achievement, you get nothing. A piece of wasted paper, or wasted space on the vast internet. You also can't do that with drawing. You can't just wake up one day, draw the same thing over and over, or just go and buy a new drawing. It's non-exclusive, and in some ways, it has the Skylander Trap built into its very being. It's renewable, but this time without the fee; just with the brainpower.

Signing out,

J(e)RK

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