Jump to content
MPieterse

This is something I've needed to do for a while

Recommended Posts

Hey Everyone,

My name is Misha, and I am 21 from California and I've been suffering from this video game addiction for almost all my life. Gaming has been a destructive force in my life, and recently it has caused me a lot of pain, self-hatred, and loneliness.

I started gaming 13 years ago, at my friends house on the N64. I was hooked to video games ever since that time, I eventually got a gamecube two years later and I remember that it playing on it every chance that I could. Childhood was rough for me, my parents where strict, and I changed schools constantly. I remember how alienating it was trying to fit into a group of friends constantly, and trying to deal with the fact that I lost the friends I previously had. It was especially tough for me as I was a awkward and shy kid. Video games was one the few constant forces I had in my life and it helped me cope with life. But this coping measure started to take over my life.

I burned out in High School. My first year everything went well, I was a A-B student that did all my work and didn't miss a single day of class. But the beginning of the next year I absolutely lost it, as my mother signed me up -without my knowledge- to a extra class that would "prepare me for college." Problem was my schedule was already full and I had to take a zero period (a class every day that started at 7:00). I had enough, of her, of school, and life in general. This is the time I first started compulsively playing games. It was one of the few activities that gave me pleasure. My grades dropped, I started ditching school, and experimenting with drugs and alcohol. But video games were always my main form of escapism.

Senior year I woke up and realized that I should probably go to college. I had no clue what I wanted by my only goal was to leave. I had to pull two extra classes during my first semester and pass the ones I was taking that year, and I completed my first semester. It was a incredible feeling, that I had won, that I could leave, and all my problems would go away. Or so I thought.

The final semester of senior year I started to slack off big time. Its here that I first had a feeling deep down that I had a problem with gaming. My friend introduced me to DOTA 2 and I became obsessed with the game. I played non-stop, as soon I started got home every day to about 3-4 in the morning. I started sleeping in school, half assing all the work I had to do. My grade dipped and by the end I got D (I needed a C for college) in the one class that I was mandatory. Luckily I had enough to graduate, but my plan had backfired.     

I spent my time after High School playing video games obsessively. Every single free moment I had poured into games. I went to a nearby culinary school just so I could avoid getting a job and devote more of my time to games. The few friends I had in my life left and moved on. The only people I interacted with where the friends I had online. But as I sunk all my times into games I found that the pleasure I got from them where few and far between. I tried to sink more and more time in, or changing the games I played but It didn't help.

Deep down I think I knew that I had a problem. But as time went on, I started to feel shame, desperation, and hopelessness. As I played I found myself uninterested, with the same thoughts in the back of my mind; "Why are you doing this?" or "You can't do this forever." But the next day I would do the same as the day before trying to convince myself that it was alright and I enjoyed this.

I decided to go back to school at the local community college. It went well at first, then I started to have problems. I kept staying up late playing games. Then I started missing class, and ignoring my work. I ended up flunking half the classes I took, and its a miracle that I passed the others. The feelings of Depression, Anxiety, and Loneliness got worse and I found myself playing at every moment I got just to try and suppress these feelings. These feelings climaxed at one point where one night I just wanted to die. In the end I didn't but it was the lowest point of my life. 

Since that time I was suicidal I have taken a look back on my life and accepted that I have problems. Gaming has been my way of escapism from life, and even though it brought me joy in the past, I know that I need to quit. It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.           

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...