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-n.g-

Kill it with Fire and Brimstone!

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Day 19

7.51am

In Japan they have a name for people like me-hikikomori, literally withdrawn. Well this is a terrifying realisation.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

Upon recognising every element of what I have done in the past, yep. It is all true, right down to the last detail. I thought I was going mad.

I remember an obnoxious little shit at secondary school who once predicted where my life will, granted he had his own problems; but he wasn’t wrong. Welp, that was well over 7 years ago.

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6.58pm

59a45a3f7470b_IMG_0010170.thumb.JPG.5b98

 

It is not finished, the body is not glued down yet to get an idea of the finish and needs a few more cotes. I thought I might share what I have been doing when I was talking about this little car model I purchased when I was at my lowest. Before that was a Shelby cobra which I destroyed during one of my rages. It gives me something lovely to work on, that I can afford to switch off to. I chose it because it was small and funny; and I think that front opening door is a brilliant idea.

I don't really have a massive love for cars on the level on an enthusiast, I just appreciate fun interesting designs. I have always particularly liked small, compact designs from a young age. Asked to draw what my house was from a young age, I drew a country cottage while my peers drew mansions. I think the only addition that you might consider excessive would be a swimming pool for exercise. I was fascinated by water and was given swimming classes quite young, though I was terrified of other people and as it turns out, still am today.

Being the stereotypical Chinese born high-achieving child I remember my first failure academically when I kept getting a maths exercise wrong and didn't know why. I had an eye condition* that was picked up too late and so couldn't differentiate between and addition sign and and a divide sign and from being ahead of the class, I fell behind and have carried on falling behind in maths and science, another interest that died in secondary school when I had these mental blocks and the addition of maths started being taught in the lessons.

My reading and writing ability developed late whilst they were finding out my problems (further falling behind), and it didn't help that I usually enveloped myself in my own world. Mean time the general advice I seemed to get from all the, I suppose; concerted help was to just deal with it. I remember developing a terrible memory that still keeps up with me today, I would often look up and down when copy out sentences which would further inhibit progress; I never looked at a word as a "word" to be memorised but a as a collection of letters. I struggled learning the piano**  because I could barely read the notes in the line and couldn't read ahead because of it. You just need to focus harder they said, stop getting distracted they said. I do know it is wrong to dwell, seeing as these are such early memories but sometimes what could have been pops up especially when I was bullied in later school. 

Enough self pity rollicking in memories for the evening. Ok one more, a good one this time.

I remember in secondary school being asked to teach a class in origami by my first English teacher*** which was oddly enjoyable after the initial terror. I later on volunteered to teach children how to swim and enjoyed giving advice and instructional's to people. Despite my fear of people I have had thoughts every now and again of wanting to teach and teach something that I enjoy which is design. I think that the British education system kills design focused thinking and creativity in general for that matter.*^* 

We are curious by nature and for the most part and I think that current idea of the school system, for the most part, does not foster that. Instead (bar a few exceptions) we get people who become reliant on others and a bit... dead. They become what the Japanese term as "salary people".

I picked up from the book How to be Miserable [...] that as hypothesised by the philosopher Alain De Botton*^^ these people work tasks so largely menial that they are not able to see the bigger picture, "rarely seeing a product or project from inception to completion. He suggests, echoing Karl Marx, that this fragmentation can create an alienation from the work itself. Few of us would prefer to return to feudal farm life or resurrect the occupational glories of the Eastern Bloc, but the point is, for many, a valid one. It is somewhat more difficult to bask in the glow of achievement gazing at a pile of completed paperwork than when hammering the final nail into a freshly built barn."

Apologies to any person who does enjoy basking in the glow of completed paperwork.

 

I have also finished reading/listening to the book (less so reading) I shared previously and was left with one recommendation from the author, make a list of all the 40 chapters I have read and give each one an arbitrary rating, then proceed to change one to three of those things. 

I think above all I hope to come to terms with past actions, though best not to think that far on that ultimate goal and focus on the present, switching off and getting a good night's sleep instead.^^*

 

 

*long sighted, now shortsighted and slowly failing combined with a squint that caused double vision resulting in the younger me walking into walls instead of doorways and being labelled clumsy and punished even though I didn't know why.

** Yep, Asian.

***still one of my favourite people on account of the mild South African accent and empathetic attitude.

*^* Being creative is something that can be taught to a limited degree, the rest you learn by yourself. It is teaching people how to teach themselves-as one of universities tutors put it-which is what I think people really want. I always thought critical thinking would be a fun subject to be taught to people, but that was only reserved for the high achievers at secondary school. It is part of how they crank out people with exceptional abilities from private schools in the UK. I found that after they take those lessons they have a different outlook on school. Perhaps they are aware of it, who knows; I never asked.

*^^book=status anxiety, something to add to the top of the reading list for me methinks

^^* nah this is just an excuse to put another one in seeing as I have shoved in a bunch already. If there is a life after death then bless you Mr Pratchett you hilarious genius.

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day 20

day 0

late, tired all day. couldn't sleep due to an intrepid mosquito biting me everywhere including the bottom of my foot. started taking multivitmains and eating oranges.

No hardcore porn, always felt a bit weird watching it, still couldn't help fapping to it.

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day 21

day 1

4.16pm

Bonjour,

Ca va bien merci, the itches bites aren't so bad, I'll remember to wear socks so I don't get bitten on the bottom of my foot again

J'ecoute de la livre audio, The Illuminatus!  Trilogy, mais il y a des trous entre les chapitres (but there are holes between chapters). So in the meantime I'll have to wait until I get money for it*

I fav'd some french language websites to try and read some even with my tiny vocabulary. Je mange deux repas par jour et je pense que c'est mauvais (I eat two meals a day but I think that is bad). So I have got a third flask to eat dinner in. I haven't learned past tense yet, I don't think I will for some time. Much nicer to learn at your own pace and to be curious yourself about how sentences are constructed over having a teacher drone it back to you without you asking. 

no porn, no fap so far. I made it 3 days before, lets try for a week at least.

 

*ou pirate ca.

Edited by -n.g-
also, 3 weeks ye

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Nice, how are you learning French -n.g-, through a website, video, or software?

duolingo and it's sister site tiny cards, at worst I consult an internet dictionary but those two sites do a great job so far.

google translate for some extra stuff. Just a word and a simple sentence here or there plus a little bit of grammar checking to understand.

I also keep a sticky note of what I keep forgetting and try to read things that I am interested about-design related websites. At the moment I can only recognise a word here or there and skim read it to get the gist of it. I hope to be able to mostly understand the editorials and essays by the end of the year at this rate :)

 

At the moment I cannot sleep because there is a very loud and persistent ringing in my ears. Will need to see a doctor about that.

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Nice, how are you learning French -n.g-, through a website, video, or software?

duolingo and it's sister site tiny cards, at worst I consult an internet dictionary but those two sites do a great job so far.

google translate for some extra stuff. Just a word and a simple sentence here or there plus a little bit of grammar checking to understand.

I also keep a sticky note of what I keep forgetting and try to read things that I am interested about-design related websites. At the moment I can only recognise a word here or there and skim read it to get the gist of it. I hope to be able to mostly understand the editorials and essays by the end of the year at this rate :)

 

At the moment I cannot sleep because there is a very loud and persistent ringing in my ears. Will need to see a doctor about that.

Nice, you keep it up and you might land a good job as a linguist one day. Ow, srry about that man, that is called tinnitus and usually happens when your ears pickup too much noise around you and can't regulate it. Oh, and i like the van painting.

Edited by BigPete247

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Day 22

Day 0 (mm-hm. Still, it wasn’t pornhub so there was a plus. I figured I will be more mindful about it if I do it again and it finally clocks. The more I think in the moment, the less I want to do it next time. Hopefully.

Day 2 Franglais

Bonjour,

 

Ca va d’accord. I have been working on my model mainly this week, touching up bits here and there. Started eating oranges after attempting make a candle to drive out the insects that find their way in during the evenings. Je n’ai pas mange beacoup de fruit alors meme que j’aime ca. (I have not been eating a lot of fruit even though I like it)

 

Demain, I am going to go to the doctors as well as return a dented eating flask. I really wanted to make dinner with it. :S I think I will get back to drawing. I had an idea for typefonts being technical drawings. Steampunk/cyberpunk/modern themed ones.

Read a blog on the lack of “analog” drawing prevalent in architecture and thought: I am acknowledged! I am not the only one.

I am miserable by not having dinner.

I thankful that there are still some genuinely altruistic people in the world.

I should get to work on re-writing up a CV (resume).

2:28pm

 

 

I have been doing some reading on tinnitus. I am hoping that it is just a blocked up ear, I did use to play music at full volume down my headphones. Have only done it a few times since to drown out other noises, no more shoegaze on full. My sinuses have been blocked for as long as I can remember so perhaps it is just built up gunk or something, I have only recently started noticing it get louder.

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day 23

day 1

6.54pm

bonsoir, 

Slow day, got my shiny new replacement flask, diner sur la menu. Fell asleep and forgot to make call to doctors, pretty much just learned french today, found memrise which helps a lot too. Went out for replacement, then had to go back home to get masking tape to stick the label down further because the man wanted it and then fell asleep for a bit. I wonder if playing some white noise can help blot out the ringing.

 

 a plus tard (see you later)

 

6.57pm

 

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Parle-vouz ring -n.g-?

allez-vous appeler le telphone? non. Je vais aller un bus (i will go by bus). You have to make an appointment and they give you a set of days, rather than turn up immediately, but I figured it would get me out of here for a bit. I can't reach them on the weekends so filled the time walking and learning french, I was exhausted after having bad thoughts.

 

 

day 24

day 2

wasted day again, but less exhausted. I spent most of the day cheering myself up but I did finally make 3 meals a day, hopefully that changes things. I will need to replan my eating though. If I oversleep I have dreams about video games or when I go to bed late, thankfully i reminded myself that the steps needed to reinstall anything is a mountain. 

things I have concluded:

saying "no" more, to everyone.

helping people less. its exhausting and should hopefully banish the thought of being a tool (people don't ask for it, I don't know why I give it).

talking less. it gets you more brownie points but is exhausting. Do more instead.

listening and I mean really, really listening less. I have a terrible habit of doing things more senior people ask of me even though I know that really is a waste of energy. I don't want to do it but subconsciously I still do it anyway which is dumb. Am I that impressionable? 

Tomorrow:

6am wake up, decrease time every half week by 15 minutes to get back to 5am. rise early, bed early. 

change clock battery. physical clock>laptop clock, I don't have to do a little clicking and swiping ritual to view it. This would massively help I think.

morning walk

dust room

write cv

scan/finish drawing

start new ones

 

 

plan to restructure language, I got new apps and stuff to help me. 

Brain isn't in the mood to try out french atm. off to bed,

bonne nuit

 

9.14pm

 

 

 

Edited by -n.g-

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Day 26

Day 4

7.36pm

Salut

Went through some old stuff, discovered Harry G Frankfurt’s On Bullshit. Yep, gonna read that again. I tried before, it was a simple(ish) book but I previously found it hard to read as if something wasn't clicking. Je bois de l’eau et ca aide. I still feel lethargic, but less so. I stayed in bed all day yesterday feeling terrible. Today I also put a clear cote on to the model to make it look shinier but it is currently cracking the paint at the moment, I will have to fix that somehow later. I have taken a few steps back, but I feel ready to make up for lost ground.

 

My brain is still screaming for more stimulation despite cutting down the fapping, soon I will be off it completely. I think it is beginning to internalize that Mr hand isn’t the best substitute.

 

If there is one thing I will finish tonight, it will be a CV. I have had my lazy streak for the time.

 

Bonsoir

 

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day 30

Day 0

-->9.27pm

Salut

I had noticed my PC times going up again so needed a quickie detox from that. In that time I have written a CV and sent it to a bunch of stationary shops. I doubt I have the energy to be a waiter or something with my fitness at the moment. I keep on wanting to go to the doctors but something keeps turning me back. I have reset the fap counter because now I am in the right enough mindset to really want off it. 

I have been slipping too with sleep times as increasing my intake to 3 meals has made me feel more hungry in the night times along with the general ringing in the ears. I am fixing up the cracking on the Isetta and am moving on in drawing to creating a technical drawing of the alphabet and probably another exploded drawing of an eggtimer. The cassette has been a good learning experience, remembering stuff I have forgotten. 

I think I kept placing too tight a set of expectations on myself so have slowed up a bit. Language learning also slipped a day but I am being more consistent once more. 

Bonne nuit

_-_->9.33pm

 

Oh yes, and I think I will also ease up on the writing to 3 days a week. In terms of pesonal writing in thoughts, my brain has been scrambled for a bit but I think a bit clearer now. I guess the reaction to getting off of the porn was greater than I thought. 

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Day 33

day 1

I went to the barbers for the first time in ages to have my hair cut. Over the weekend I wrote a CV and started sending it off to employers. I am now writing personalised cover letters. The barbers was something I have been thinking of doing for quite a while now, what do you with last bit of cash? get a haricut. Sounds daft but to my mind it just made sense. I figured I would apply for museums and art shops as something that isn't too demanding. I think if I just went straight into flipping burgers or being a waiter in a restaurant I think I would be shattered by the end of it all. 

I have managed to complete the first stage of duolingo and have taken to using memrise as a compliment. I didnt realise there were bots that I could use as well on the mobile app. I have been cutting down some more on computer time but now I want off it for at least a day of the week. I sunk back a bit after being distracted to a sailing channel that happened to be in the path of a hurricane, must remember not to be so obsessive about something on the other side of the world sad as it is. The news just presents it as another drama story and another thought virus to think about all the time.

 

6.56pm

 

Bonsoir

Edited by -n.g-
my god this nofap thing is harder than quitting gaming. I have more willpower than that.

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Day 34

Day 2

---->4.39pm

 

Bonjour,

 

J'apprends Francaise en ce moment. Today I finally strummed up enough courage to book a simple appointment. One for Wednesday next week at 10.40am. I also took time to see if I could hand in a CV to a shop, they asked me to email them instead. The journey tired me a little but still I got out which is a good enough sign. I tried to cycling but realised my bike was too small and I am on my last reserves of money. In the meant time I will just have to take a morning walk. I should really send my designs off too. I also need to find my spare travel card. The current student one has been closed as I am not at university.

 I also decided to dig into an architecture book as a way of starting my personal drawing project on the tube.

Today was sunny, mostly

having bus routes to virtually everywhere is great

the ease it takes to book an appointment with the NHS. I was going to call but decided against it.

 

Cheers for reading

 

Oh yes one more thing. I have so far applied to six jobs I think and will be writing a cover letter for a further two more. Irony is that the one I am most likely going to be interviewed for I reckon will be as Christmas staff for the Game stores. Why would I apply if I quit you may ask? money and ease of transport. As long as I do not play video games and do not binge read/watch games I should be fine. so far I have managed to not be triggered by adverts and occasional viewing, though I will not be returning to watch Killing Floor 2 community stuff or Doom/Fallout 4 related stuff any time soon. To much time invested in them, especially kf2 where I had to fortune to meet everyone but its time to move on, I wish them well.

Job I really want is as a service assistant at the design museum.

Edited by -n.g-

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Getting out and taking action builds momentum. Now keep riding that momentum you've built for more. It's a lot easier to keep going once you've started than to get yourself started in the first place. For the jobs make sure you follow-up with them after a week or two and ask about the status of your application. Most of the time the follow-up is how you end up with an interview. Shows initiative. 

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Day 39

Cheers Cam, I will definitely being doing that too.

 

I have completed another few more segments of Duolingo, I initially wanted to spend 10 minutes a day on it, its ballooned into an hour which is great. Thanks to the forums I also have some apps to stop me from being so distracted on the internet, which makes it easier. 

I ma using my contactless card for travel too, I would try to go out a little more but I need to save the money for travelling to job interviews. Its definitely been a struggle getting out. Its been a struggle getting out of my room just to go to the kitchen tbh. I still haven't sent off it off but I have started on a new project in the meant time, I think I just tired myself out doing one thing. My model car is taking shape nicely too, the mistakes have mostly been sanded out.

The noise from downstairs has been dampened although low frequency sounds are still very loud so I have white noise playing through my headphones every time it happens.

I am still terrible with internet distractions and noticed my time searching up "edutainment" videos increasing so I have banned myself from a number of sites. Anyway I should get some food in me (had a long lie in) and I should get back to searching for jobs, already got a few rejections so I think I will have to tweak my CV some more. Also learning to cook some salmon risotto today. Learning to cook a different recipe every week should be fun. 

1hr.56 minutes on the internet so I think that it is time to flick on some music and switch off for the day. 

 

Acceptance 

Growing up with Cockneys

Always look on the Bright Side of Life at the end of Iron Maiden concerts

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Day 41

Starting a new project.

Developed a line on laptop screen. I don't have money to fix that. 

Applying for more jobs

Resurrected Linkdin account... And then realised why I didn't bother with it in the first place. Slightly depressing to see people who have graduated from university and taken up good jobs. Slightly gratifying to not have taken a degree that puts me on the path to a dull job. I think I'll just put up a CV and then carrying applying for jobs the normal way, on first glance it seems to be a circle jerk of self-congratulatory consultants and business analysts.

 

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Today it is finally internalising that I can not fix the deep flaws of my family-and people in general, if they do not want to realise it themselves or make a compromise. The best that i can do is find a job save up, reclaim my bank account from prying eyes and piss off form this house before i attempt to kill myself again, cut them off for a while, its the only way at this point. 

I have always been an outsider, even where I have lived, that is something that I have finally accepted too, there were good sides and bad sides. Fuck you too Essex.

job tally: 10? 11?

replies: 0

Follow up emails: 0 (procrastinator)

I will be reworking my CV to be more... I dunno, bullet pointy, CVish.

applying to: 8 more.

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12.31pm

bonjour

Arrived 5 minutes late to the doctor and had to rebook, next appointment is on the 28th. First time I saw the receptionist had a sneaking feeling I knew her from somewhere, remembered it was at the old swimming club. 

I also made an effort in previous days to reconnect with some old friends. I got an email from one person who said she is studying Japanese and is moving to Japan in a few weeks to pursue a modelling career which is quite cool. Recently got a message from another person studying art and design at Parson's in NY. I usually have a friendly persona but inside I am usually terrified. There are plenty of people I have made friends with that I have proceeded to cut off later on. I have decided that I will tell them about recent past events instead of hiding it. 

I also ordered tickets to an exhibition to get myself out and about for tommorrow.  

I have almost finished my car. Not bad for 1st time after 8+ years. Actually I think it might be my best one yet.

59c24f65c8e25_IMG_0014207.thumb.JPG.fa5d

Today I need to:

Learn quick round of French

Get changed from the doctors

Break. Still working on the insomnia. Since my computer has developed a fault I cannot put on some loud music during the night to drown out the ringing in my ears in case it explodes or something. I managed to get to bed at 10 but was only able to sleep at 12am which resulted in my lateness to the doctors. Past history now, cannot solve that.

Learn more French

Finish tweaking CV

spam as many jobs applications in an hour when i am done

Shut off PC

 

drink more water

open my windows

charge camera 

start drawing/Finish model car 

 

 

Oh yes one more thing:

Porn? one day at a time. I think I'll start counting backwards. My brain is still going nuts but I consider it a win if I am not going (actually can't now thanks to programme blockers) on sites to jack off to hardcore stuff or anything at all.

My brain gets a 100% boost in dopamine when I play games. 200% when I jack off, prolly why its been harder to stop. That said to even start this journal took me the best part of 2 months on and off. 

Edited by -n.g-

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Day 50

11.53am

 

been to the doctor who prescribed me sertraline tablets 50mg, 1 a day. usual spray for nose, i should have told him all other sprays haven't worked for years amongst a lot of other things I forgot about. I am afraid the tablets might just further cloud my thinking. I think the doctor also put me into therapy again.  should have saved my money instead of paying for the prescription though, I have a student card still.

My insomnia has taken a turn for the worse too. so I am hoping the tablets wll sort that out. I just need something to slow down the thinking.

My computer went to poop after leaving it on in the night and forgetting to turn it of. I edited the settings to play white noise while the lid is closed. repair scheduled for next week. SO i haven't been keeping on duolingo while I backed stuff up, switched it off and fixed this replacement up. Deleted all the games and restored the computer.

Cars about as done as I can get it. I need to get super glue for the rest because nothing else is holding some parts thereto. I will retake up the piano to fill in the time, my sister left a keyboard behind when she moved out.

nofap went a bit further but am back to day 90. Still I consider that a win

Learned to make risotto, am now binging on gravy and rice. Need to get some curry paste for kedgeree.

I think I have pretty much got my cv in shape. job hunting is continuing... must all back instead of email.

 

reading the history of my area

drawing

morning showers

 

Interesting things I found out:-

--There are three kinds of wisdom:

Worldly-refers to your life's philosophical understanding

emotional-ability to be aware of and regulate your emotions and how they affect others and how others will affect you.

practical-your immediate and intermediate goals and how to complete them as well as your day-to-day existence.

 

--cooling down your neck quickly will help you to go sleep faster. A cold flannel or a fan does the job.

 

 

Third edit because my memory is the worst,Also need to get a blood test sorted.

 

Edited by -n.g-

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