Hey everyone

[Jay V]

Hey

I'm not a native english speaker, so sorry if I do some mistakes writing this.

My story is really long I'll try to do a summary. I'm an addicted 23 years old. I started playing since I was 13 or 14. But the problem begun when I was 18. One year ago I decided to stop gaming. My sister helped me to find a place where I could try to understand and accept my addiction problem. So I did a 12-step program like an A.A. member in a rehab center. I started very well. Next 2 months I was feeling really good, a lot of energy, really excited to begin living again. Then...I met a girl, we started a relationship (In fact she worked in that rehab center) and all got worse. The cravings was frequently 1 or 2 per month. My ex was a headache (me too ofc). Well, the real problem is that I wasn't ready to start dating girls again after 7 years living in my cave with my laptop and videogames. I had no idea how to make new friends, and much less, trying to understand how to behave with a girl. An absolutely tryhard. The things were good til last october. I was confused, sad, anxious, and euforic because I knew I didn't want to start a relationship but my lack of self-esteem and self-confidence caused really problems. I just didn't know how to express my emotions, my non-conformism, and I didn't want to damage her or cause damage to anyone. So in my birthday (Oct 7th) she did a birthday surprise and I couldn't control my mind. I didn't understand why I was playing again exactly that day. Maybe in my fantasy gaming could give me the value to speak honestly...big mistake.

When you're a gambler or gaming addicted nobody can knows if you are relapsed or not. I was acting normal for a month, 2 months...4 months until I got depressed. My ex-gf left me last december. I was denying the obvious pain and sadness you feel when you break up with your gf. So I started playing a lot, same routine, same evasion, then comes the ideas of suicide...I just wanted to ask for help. So I back again to my rehab center, another month living there. And from march to this day I'm clean and sober. 4 months free. But 4 months fighting my depression, anxiety, cravings, laziness, loneliness and hopelessness. Being addicted is hard and some days I want to throw everything away. I'm full of fears and doubts but I remember that life is that. Successes and failures, fall, get up, growing up and keep walking. I love gaming but sometimes the things and people we love just cause us emotional and physical damage. And now I can choose. I choose not to play just for today and all my life. 

 

I'll try to write my daily journal in spanish in the non-english forum. So thank you for create this space. 

[Mettermrck]

Welcome, Jay! You've been through some hard times but you're not alone and you've come to a good place to take the next step in turning things around.

[Cam Adair]

Welcome and congrats on four months so far!