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NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened

Hello! Introduction!

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Hello, my name's Hassan (HA-SA-AN) I'm from Los Angeles, CA. I'm aged 29.


I started to game when I was in my teens, at the age of 14, where a peer innocently introduced the game to me. We played it together at times. Progressively, it got worse and I used it to escape some of the plothera of issues I was facing at the time (e.g., adjusting to adolescents, being bullied, not having parents, identity issues, being Muslim post 9/11, and being socially rejected for being different or not being part of the culture).

I recognize now that video games gave me a quick escape, and provided me a-lot of the things that my immediate environment didn't provide me and or didn't provide enough of; safety, comfort, acceptance, and sense of belonging. This relationship only intensified (i.e., I started working and investing most of my money towards upgrading hardware, purchasing games, and equipment within games) as I got older and graduated to community college. I dreamth' and fantasized about the idea of being a professional gamer, fixing computers, creating games, and watched gamers videos online.


During community college, I went into a stage of recovery (not professional, but self driven) after conflicts had arisen in my home regarding my game use. After 3-4 years of being in recovery from gaming, without really calling it recovery, I fell back into relapse (video gaming) recently.  In my understanding of my somewhat long period of not gaming, I now understand I only put a bandage on a much larger wound.


Recently, I noticed computer games began to infringe on my ability to properly function. It got out of hand really quickly. I unsuccessfully uninstalled the video games three to four times from computer in order to control the overall use. And, everytime, I was successful for a few days (putting a bandange on my wound), and then would fall back into gaming by reinstalling. I grew tired of this! I had great difficulty remembering how I went for so long without gaming successfully that I browsed around, watched some videos on youtube, heard podcasts on video game addiction, and came across this website.


I'm hoping this time around I can properly heal the wound and work towards getting my life back in order.


Few of my goals is to ultimately work towards increasing my ability to socialize with others, meet new people, increase my list of hobbies, try new daring things, and form strong relationships with people in my home and outside in the community. I want to have a healthier lifestyle as well. :D


I hope I didn't share too much. 


Newbie :) 

Edited by ha535065
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Welcome here!

I totally understand what you mean with putting on a bandage on a larger wound.

If you don't feel like sharing some of your events in your Journal since, even though this is an anonymous place, it's still public, you probably wanna try out: 750 words. It basicly requests from you to write 750 words every day. It helped me a lot when I didn't wanted to share too personal things but I still wrote them down to me in order to process them. It did wonders for me.

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Checkin in:

Had a pretty upsetting incident take place at dinner party where I wasn't being heard by someone else and the other person kept talking over me. I felt myself go into myself and becoming angry, frustrated, upset, and disrespected. I noticed my breathing pattern change and me hyperventilating and I wanted to punch this person out. I kept my cool and tried my best to state myside, but felt this person was stuck on his way. He was passing opinions as facts, and that really irritated me. I guess, it really was a value of mines he was violating and felt' I had to say something. Anyhow, it escalated where I said some stuff, realistic things related getting correct sources and not misinformation from CNN. Eventually, I would remove myself from the environment and take a walk n get ice cream for my cousin.  Then we browsed 99 cent store and that was cool. But, I didn't reenter that environment. I stayed away. And now, I'm replaying the scene over, analyzing, and trying to recognize where did I make a mistake? Could it have gone a different way? What will people think of me? What did they think of me because I responded to his unfactual remarks? I come from a background where we aren't supposed to get angry and are supposed to be respectful of elders. I was trained throughout my childhood to take it and look the other way, but I'm just tired of this bullcrap. It's not ok for people to walk over me and I don't stand up for myself, or people say incorrect stuff and I don't try to correct them. I'm simply tired of being afraid of standing up for myself and others, and the consequences that will come from it.  Why should I be punished or mean to myself if I believe I stood up for the right, truth, and or justice? If I don't, I and others will be doormats for ignorant and bullies. I've been bullied because of this and never stood of myself because I wasn't supposed to create any waves! What type of balonie is this? A double standard! They can hurt me and I have to take it? And if I do anything, you'll immediately blame me for wrong or see that i did something to instigate it instead of hearing my side. 


Anyhow, all I know is I'm tired of being a doormat and not creating waves because I have to make everyone happy and make sure I'm civil even if I'm being oppressed! Screw that! And that persons odasity to tell me at the end, "You're a psycholgist/therapisr, I wouldn't see you" as if we counselors are supposed to be emotionaless human-beings and agreed with all unfactual information! No sir! You say something stupid or something that brings up a reason for confrontation, we will confront you. I'm not im a therapy session with you and this is real life, and I know for a certainity, I'm able to stand up for myself and express myself when you say whatever you want and expect no one to confront you. You have a right to get angry, but have a double standard for me to not get angry and be calm and have a nice demanor! I will, until you violate one of my values. 


When this happened, I felt so upset at myself for responding to him and standing up for myslf. I felt alone, pretty shaken, and thought of escaping. I wanted to punch something and let the energy out. I'm so glad I had my cousin to go and get ice-cream with, and regulate my emotions. Otherwise, it would've potentially lead to a relapse. 


Learning points: 

- Walking away and leaving environment was effective in reducing feelings of anger. 

- sometimes excusing myself and removing myself from people like that would be better for my overall well-being. 

- sometimes saying, "I don't know" is best with people like this. 

- It's ok for me to confront someone if I choose too. If it hurts someone elses or is very toxic, it's ok for me to intervene. Especially, if it seems like bullying. 

- People are at different levels in understanding. 

- opinions are opinions, and not facts. Let the person preach. If it botherd me, walk away. 

- It's hard for me to forgive myself for asserting myself and using the emotion of anger/hurt in a correct way. It's going to be hard because in my culture and environment, we are taught to be passive and be doormats. So naturally, I would work extra hard to revisit and replay the scenerio in my head so next time, I can take an more appropriate (conforming to social norm) approach instead of asserting myseld. Because asserting myself and standing up for oneself isn't part of my upbringing or culture, and is portrayed as negative in the environment. But, it's ok from time to time to be assertive xD


Hassan, XOXO

BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT! Great job today for standing up for yourself! His opinion of you is his opinion! It's not facts! I know who I am, my capabilites, my potentials, and my beliefs. I don't care what his opinion of me is. It's what I know and care about myself that counts! "If I want to be a leader, I can't please everyone. If I want to please everyone, then I can sell ice-cream." And, I choose to be a leader! 

Edited by ha535065
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I correspond and sympthasize with a lot of things that you wrote.

Walking away from such situations is nothing bad, in fact it saves you all your energy and thoughts. Also it makes him look stupid.

For me personally truth is a very complicated word, I even think that 99% of times it's more about different opinions than the truth. Because what is the truth to you possibly isn't the truth for me which means that there probably isn't even a truth, just my opinion about it and your opinion about it and none of it has to be a truth or a lie. Sometimes there is just no point in discussing with people that just wanna talk and don't wanna listen because there is no way that you can have a decent conversation this way. It basicly isn't a conversation in the first place, just a barrage of words thrown at you, so why stand there and even listen?

Good job dodging the relapse with redirecting your emotions and energies in a different way, this was the perfect decision. Try to do this every time you feel like relapsing. Maybe you can even find a new hobby that could help you releasing some of these energies?

Also you're 100% right. Just because you aim to be a therapist doesn't mean that you are a puppet during your day. In-therapy-time and personal time are 2 different kind of things, that was just a stupid argument? Don't waste any thought into it.

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