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Rick Boon

Relapsed with full awareness

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So i relapsed for like 2 months. Gamed almost everday, had some good days but most of the time i'm just struggling against thoughts.

It feels f*cked actually, to get these hiccups of good days, this taste of the good life but not being able to get there. I can't hold on to this. My mental coach pushed me hard to get a hold of my behaviour. If i can't commit to a new agreement we made they want me to follow/join yet another program to deal with my addiction. Just writing this down i feel depressed. Like i'm in self-pity mode all the time. 

Anyway, let me tell you want happend, and what i want to learn from it.

When i started my course i 'loaned' my steam account to my younger brother, so i couldnt acces it anymore. But 2 months ago i asked for it back, in moment of boredom and craving. Of course i had excuses why he should give it back to me ("ye i'm going to delete it with my coach" i said, "it's my account, it's my decision!" i said) and so it happend that i had the possibility to game again. I wasnt be able to maintain the integrity and momentum i had build and well.. it was back to rockbottom. 

And still i feel deep down a small resistance in my heart.to be more then what i am now. To reach out for the ceiling instead my cup of coffee.

I actually did manage this week despite my gaming to complete all the steps for deleting my steam account, only one remaing, which is to submit a picture of my id or passport. I'm very anxious about it tho, because i know it's not completely the gaming, but also the need behind it, the dissatisfaction of how my life looks like now. Yeah i'm going to do it, i know it's an important step because it allows me to not handle with that temptation anymore. And that way i can think and act much easier and with more space in my thinking.

Right now the overthinking of all the things i did NOT do is dragging me down, and i'm tired of it. I'm fucking tired of my overthinking, the holding back, the lack of true enthousiasme for almost anything, the changing in my personality which means; being more numb, being reserved. I never was someone like that before my 17th. And i never was that person on the detox (rehab) course. 

Just.. hear my rant and don't react to it.

Let me tell you what i will do:

  1. restart my challenge.
  2. get back to journaling, and create a very simple format. And above all: write down the reason WHY i journal (just for myself, not for anybody else).
  3. stop thinking about the right way i should act, the right way i should think, the right way i should be. This is like a major energy drainer.
  4. start each day small again, the way i did it in my succes time while i kept commited to gamequitters and all the tools provided.
  5. Go early to bed.

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Yes I love that energy and drive you have to fix this! You are capable, and you've seen that letting go of the steam account will be a great step for you. I think you should complete the process and you'll be surprised by what a burden you've let go of.

I'm proud of you for coming back and there's no judgment here. Only support for the future and for you! Good luck, hope to see your journal entries around :)

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Just.. hear my rant and don't react to it.

You can't tell me what to do. ????

I think your rant says a lot about where you are right now. There's a lot of crap that's built up while you were gaming. Maybe there was a major thing that caused you to stick with gaming or maybe it's just been a bunch of little things over time that have gathered up. I don't believe you can get rid of the negative feelings. I believe you have to walk into them. Feel them fully. It sucks. I'm not great at it, but it works. Eventually they dissipate. The avoidance of pain causes more pain than the actual pain of the things you're avoiding.

Walk into boredom. What's there? Where's the feeling in your body? Where is it coming from?

I'm having trouble with boredom myself. Coming up with things to do when my body is exhausted from the fun and exciting stuff. Yoga is good, I'm trying to read (not super fun), Meditation (Headspace) is okay but boring. So, I'm not sure I have an answer for you specifically on how to get rid or lessen of the pain going forward, but... 

I do know that if you can be aware of your feelings when you're about to relapse, it can give you some distance from them and allow you to respond instead of react to them. You'll feel the pain, but that's okay. It won't kill you and it might even be trying to tell you something if you'll walk into them.

Honestly, let me know how it goes. I'm going through a lot of this myself right now.

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