Rick Boon 149 Posted September 3, 2016 Share Posted September 3, 2016 So i relapsed for like 2 months. Gamed almost everday, had some good days but most of the time i'm just struggling against thoughts.It feels f*cked actually, to get these hiccups of good days, this taste of the good life but not being able to get there. I can't hold on to this. My mental coach pushed me hard to get a hold of my behaviour. If i can't commit to a new agreement we made they want me to follow/join yet another program to deal with my addiction. Just writing this down i feel depressed. Like i'm in self-pity mode all the time. Anyway, let me tell you want happend, and what i want to learn from it.When i started my course i 'loaned' my steam account to my younger brother, so i couldnt acces it anymore. But 2 months ago i asked for it back, in moment of boredom and craving. Of course i had excuses why he should give it back to me ("ye i'm going to delete it with my coach" i said, "it's my account, it's my decision!" i said) and so it happend that i had the possibility to game again. I wasnt be able to maintain the integrity and momentum i had build and well.. it was back to rockbottom. And still i feel deep down a small resistance in my heart.to be more then what i am now. To reach out for the ceiling instead my cup of coffee.I actually did manage this week despite my gaming to complete all the steps for deleting my steam account, only one remaing, which is to submit a picture of my id or passport. I'm very anxious about it tho, because i know it's not completely the gaming, but also the need behind it, the dissatisfaction of how my life looks like now. Yeah i'm going to do it, i know it's an important step because it allows me to not handle with that temptation anymore. And that way i can think and act much easier and with more space in my thinking.Right now the overthinking of all the things i did NOT do is dragging me down, and i'm tired of it. I'm fucking tired of my overthinking, the holding back, the lack of true enthousiasme for almost anything, the changing in my personality which means; being more numb, being reserved. I never was someone like that before my 17th. And i never was that person on the detox (rehab) course. Just.. hear my rant and don't react to it.Let me tell you what i will do:restart my challenge.get back to journaling, and create a very simple format. And above all: write down the reason WHY i journal (just for myself, not for anybody else).stop thinking about the right way i should act, the right way i should think, the right way i should be. This is like a major energy drainer.start each day small again, the way i did it in my succes time while i kept commited to gamequitters and all the tools provided.Go early to bed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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