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Leyla

????The Fall to LIMBO☆彡 「A Rehab Journal by Sylvia」

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"Negative point eleventeen confidence and motivation to get out of this metaverse."
said the girl with hair as black as ebony and skin as fair as snow,
but she was no Snow White.


23374674033_499868ce52_z.jpg
"Limbo" by Sylvia C. (Photoshop CC)

For months now, the homo-sapien lived in the same disarray of a room as it had been for over two years. Perhaps even more since it did not matter where she lived, that chaos and unkempt environment was the comfort of her mind. One would not dare to come upon the use of the words, "mental issues," but if we were all honest, everyone has their sh**. So everyone was a lemming, therefore it was okay she was one too. It was okay that things happened in her life and she was not strong enough to deal with those issues. Everyone said it was okay. Everyone said, "We're only human."

When did this start? Why could she not stop? Why was it shameful? Why did it feel bad? Why did she attack others who gamed as well? Why? Why? WHY? Having a hypersensitive mind from having anxiety disorder connected everything. Everything was connected to everything was connected to everything. If it was raining, oh it was because it was sunny the day before. Why? Science. No, really, why? Don't ask, I've moved on from that conversation. 

Sylvia was not a good person. She was not a kind one either. She thought being sharky and over-confident was attractive. Living life carefree and barely finding work was okay. She had enough savings somehow, to burn it all away through weekends of firewater and unsightly mating ritual dances at these places called, 'clubs.' And even then, even after all that 'living' in the real world, socializing and making friends, working on school or trying to discover what was the easiest job to land, even after everything, the metaverse called to her. The urge and craving was not a facade but it was denied on the forefront. Never did she admit to being a gamer in front of anyone, and if one would check every fortnight, one could be sure Sylvia could be found in her single bedroom apartment in the foggiest city of her land, simply dallying around within the metaverse. 

This was nine years ago.

This creature- this hominid- not even worthy of being titled an entitiy, had less worth than a meat hog growing on a farm. Even the amount of chemicals and firewater going into her bloodstream would render the hog on a FDA organic level. She was disgusting as a creature. She was disgusting as a human. She was not a good person.

And she knew this.

But it was hard to get out. It was oh so easy to stay in the comfort of her living room, single bedroom, and cooking area. Her living mate had moved out in search of a subletter here and there which allowed Sylvia to freely move about and do and act as she wished. There was no one in the world who could tell her to move on, move forward, and make something with her life. She was as good as dead, as good as the men who came back drunk as the oldest story in the book goes, as good as the girls who pretended to simply ask for a light on the corners of 45th, as good as the suits who would walk by you and smile, telling you, "Hey, do you want to go skiing for a pretty penny?" 

This all could be another sob story but oh, it gets worse. You see, this setup begs for one to question, how or why could she be so comfortable? The questions that dare to be thought, that logic would command to vocalize: "Did she work? How much did Sylvia really game? There are worse people out there, this person simply had a bad hand in life probably. But then not enough of the story has been told. Why was she comfortable and dreadful? The mention of gaming seems hardly relevant at this point. Obviously deeper issues are at hand." 

Yes, so very correct indeed but the explanation would be to come at a later point. Sylvia was at a cusp of many dark auras and life situations. She would come to experience the consequences of escaping into the metaverse time after time again. She would have to fall. Very very hard. Below rock bottom. Harder than any man can imagine, before reaching up to climb again. This climbing wouldn't move her forward but, it will always be the first step for anyone finding themselves a worthy purpose in life again.

And so, in the third umbral year of this journey within the disarray of the same room - and no not hell, for even Lucifer would not be compelled to meander through a path as this - in this third year, her guardians forced a hand against her deck. There was much she knew she had to improve, and change, but though this was not a trigger of deeper cravings to stay within the metaverse, this move most certainly propelled her further into escapism. 

[TBC]

==============================

I know I am weird but I could not bring myself to tell my story or journal in first person. It felt easier talking about this other person... perhaps a lot of people are aware of what I am going through. At the same time, it was very nice to sit here for an hour and work on something different. To write. My hobbies in real life are actually old-school calligraphy, leather-working, and digital painting as you can see above.

My problem is I blow a lot of steam starting new projects and then get bored and tired quickly and revert to gaming. I hope this does not happen while I am here. It is my biggest weakness and flaw.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank you all for also choosing to climb up to live life.

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I know I am weird but I could not bring myself to tell my story or journal in first person. It felt easier talking about this other person... perhaps a lot of people are aware of what I am going through.

Do whatever works for you! Focus on this project for 90 days and I bet you will find a lot of good changes. :)

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I know I am weird but I could not bring myself to tell my story or journal in first person. It felt easier talking about this other person... perhaps a lot of people are aware of what I am going through.

Do whatever works for you! Focus on this project for 90 days and I bet you will find a lot of good changes. :)

Thank you so very much Cam, it is highly inspiring how directly interactive and active you are with all of us.
(●´艸`)。o*тнайк чоц*o。(´艸`○)so so much for this~ (*TーT)

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"And those who were dancing were admitted to be insane by those who didn't hear the music"

Everyone is insane and weird on his own way.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Hi Leyla, welcome to the community!

I just read your entire post, and I can understand the trouble you must be going through right now to be giving up on the 'metaverse' and taking a stand against escapism.

I have found that with a lot of us Game Quitters, that taking baby steps is the way to overcome any difficult problem; trying to find a 'quantum leap' solution may only work in the short term. Please keep us posted daily so we can support you along your journey!

All the best for your recovery and I hope to see how things work out :)

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______________
『【T h e   G L A S S   C a g e 】』


(Composite Image "Shattered Cage" not original, made for this post only - Sylvia)


It was summer somewhere in the North East coast. Dawn was squeezing itself through the thick blinds from the artisans of the Home Depot when it was meant to assimilate night at all times throughout the day. Sylvia hated sleeping next to the window. She hated waking up tired and sleepy. But it was different this summer. She woke up late because she was up late. She was up late because she had a machine. A machine that was nearly an escape and outlet from all that came before. But it was illegal.

It all started with this machine. There was a time when Sylvia thought the world revolved around her glass cage. Maintaining a high level productivity within the education system goal she was allowed to see. She was molded and pulled and pushed into fear and shame. The wise sayings of Confucius was like a drumbeat through her head, and if she displeased her guardians, the only other way to escape punishment and torture, was to deceive and hide her activities from their sight. It was safe in the cage, but she had to walk carefully. There was nothing beyond the cage to her knowledge. There within, lay piles of academic books, a calculator, a violin and a small piano, a walkman (cassette tape player) as an exception, and a hidden door to the floor, where she held her treasured items, a pencil, sketchbook, and eraser.

glassCage2.thumb.jpg.6c8c462a8d8dd2cbf6b

Her deception started at a very young age. Young for a girl of this generation, of that time. The great crevice of divide between the sexes were very strong. And the word “gay” was still forbidden among any kind of conversation, media, notion, etc. like every generation that would outgrow the older, her notions were of classical, obedient housewife material. Her institutions of scholarly works and research, were to be exactly perfect. She was to have specific acquaintances approved by her guardians. Anything out of this model was heresy.

"Ah, fill in the blanks as you will." As cybernauts, netizens, digital natives, and the like, many have one way or another, been touched by the Asian culture or enamored themselves within it. If not, Sylvia would believe she or he would not be missing much of digital Asian culture from the metaverse's point of view.

Sylvia's male guardian was a medic of sorts. He “fixed” people. He liked to fix things. He liked the old-school ways of “fixing” things on one's own than paying another to do a job a finch could easily see the solution to. (Because little birds – chickadees, finches, etc. – are a popular pet in Asia.) Then, when the internet was introduced to the masses, he liked how it aided him in possibly “fixing” his lifestyle. The efficiency of an email. The introduction of the mobile phone. The beeper – an engineered device for quick emergency communication that was lightweight and portable – was the bane of his vocation. Anything that was a hindrance or a dislike, the anger of inefficiency, came imposed upon her. The lashes and the verbal slices – it felt better to stay in the glass cage. It seemed the right thing to do. Follow the words of the guardians. They know all. They rule your life. For they are the means of survival.

Follow the words of the guardians. “Do you like computers? Here, here is a computer. Study it. I will find a programming master for you. Study it. Do not push the limits of this gift. Study it.”

The first time was not remembered. She could not remember the birth of this connection. And like falling through a wormhole, the transition was rough and not climactic but an abrupt stop to realization. This dial tone... it hurt her ears. The images of lines and letters and numbers on the screen much like a television, was strange. There was an external device to maneuver as well aptly named "the mouse." She could see it. It was white much like the size of a fat mouse, and the tail extending outwards. One of the earliest memories Sylvia had was figuring out electronic mail with Irene. 

Now Irene was not the brightest of girls. Sylvia did not even like her all that much. However, she was an approved 'cohort' of sorts by the guardians and thus, given permission on good days, to leave the glass cage and spend time in the company of this mundane Irene. Irene was caucasian. She was very very mundane. She had brown hair, brown eyes, an ovular facial structure and freckles on her nose and paddings of her cheek. Irene also had a 'machine' in which she had no interest in and felt daunted by the very object(s). When Sylvia and Irene first tried to work on the concept of non-snail mail, and work to connect to each other on her machine, it was an awful experience. The waiting was terrible. The concepts were still not understood. The interface failed the two children and Irene quickly returned to brushing her dolls' hair. This 'machine' event that day turned into, "Hey, you know what, wanna go see my horse?" YES. Oh my god, yes please Irene. That was bullshit and weird and strange to Sylvia when this machine was not understood. And of course, Irene having a horse, a real life creature that was majestic as it was forlorn in its keep, was much more poignant and enjoyable.

But Sylvia, unlike mundane and simple Irene, was not only a curious cat, but like her male guardian, a "fixer." She did not understand it. She knew there was something special about this 'machine,' but why did it not dawn on her? She had to "fix this problem," figure it out, understand it, find the purpose. Study it.

It was a web of sorts. A World Wide Web. There was an in-between, an interface within the interface. It had to be learned, maneuvered, like driving a car, riding a bike, learning to walk. And there it was, when she saw it, she saw it. The single-fingered tap-taps of her small hand on the keyboard echoed through this very night. It was a weekday. It was summer. That tipping point when she fell through the wormhole and discovered a whole new world felt as if she had found a gem to keep to herself. Little did she know, this gem was not real. On the climb back to reality, she lay in her bed that early morning, hearing the birds beginning to chirp, the blue light of dawn squeeze through. It was Sylvia's first all-nighter, her first intrinsic smile as she looked at a blank ceiling, but that was okay, because she had already discovered something much bigger, much deeper, and much more interesting beyond the glass cage.

===================================================================================

Today I cracked since the first journal entry, and logged into my game. I had uninstalled a lot that day - Steam, minecraft, some other things I don't even know what they were. But I kept the one online game I felt akin to because of the people in it. I know this is one of the hardest things to let go of as well. People did get angry at me for hearing my reasons to quit. Others were supportive. It seemed to not matter though. I know that I have to be mentally prepared to let go of these people, and go out and meet new, real live people. I felt bad logging in when I said I'd uninstall the game. I feel I should do it after I post this but don't have the courage to. I feel scared to. On the other hand, I know I have to because I need to get my work done. I need to live my life like a normal person - do my laundry, clean my room, spend time with my family and friends, remember to drop a line to my family and friends! I have retreated into this awful shell of a cyberchondriac and really felt I cheated myself today when I logged in today.

I was given access to the net and computer at a young age. I felt freedom and control which I did not have if one could not tell from my writing above. I was raised with very strict 'tiger' parents (LOL). So my addiction wasn't games at first because all i saw was Pinball and Minesweeper at the time, but the internet. I remember sometime through middle school and freshmen year of high school, I discovered a manifesto that resonated with me so strongly, I believe that is where my thought process took a strong turn towards technology, games, chatting, emails, etc.

Here is the manifesto:
manifesto-large-poster.thumb.JPG.bb184c8

Silly now. But I believe the movie Hackers also came out around this time or so. That heavily influenced me into computers (which was a good thing) but of course, we all know what that all comes with. 

It's 4.31am where I am at currently and I suffer from insomnia in trying to process the cutting off of gaming (and possibly the internet or just, surfing and stupid things like that.) So I am going to end this post here and do my best to lie in bed and calm my mind. Think of alternative outlets (that I even already have: art, rock climbing, cooking, etc) that could best serve me in balancing my emotions and focus on GREs and pre-med school.

Thank you all again for your time to read this and your support. I hope I can support one day as well~

Sleepily,
Sylvia

Edited by Leyla
pic not showing up properly

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Hi Leyla, welcome to the community!

I just read your entire post, and I can understand the trouble you must be going through right now to be giving up on the 'metaverse' and taking a stand against escapism.

I have found that with a lot of us Game Quitters, that taking baby steps is the way to overcome any difficult problem; trying to find a 'quantum leap' solution may only work in the short term. Please keep us posted daily so we can support you along your journey!

All the best for your recovery and I hope to see how things work out :)

Heya Alex! Thank you and thank you again for your kind words as well as reflective advice! I really feel eased that you brought the point up that 'quantum leaps' could be short term. It seems like that may be a route I will end up on because knowing me, I'm a go big or go home kinda person. I do need to work on balance in my life, letting go, not being OCD, allowing balance in everything and that is even my relationship to the computer/internet.

Thank you for this advice... it's really making me reflect quite a bit!

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It's 4.31am where I am at currently and I suffer from insomnia in trying to process the cutting off of gaming (and possibly the internet or just, surfing and stupid things like that.) So I am going to end this post here and do my best to lie in bed and calm my mind. Think of alternative outlets (that I even already have: art, rock climbing, cooking, etc) that could best serve me in balancing my emotions and focus on GREs and pre-med school.

I had insomnia the first week after quitting games, and once 2 weeks in as well.

 

I tried writing down the thoughts that's keeping awake, which helped. But then again, your insomnia is probably different than mine.. 

Maybe a sleep mask will help? 

https://www.amazon.com/Bedtime-Bliss®-Contoured-Comfortable-Moldex®/dp/B00FJQFJX8/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1467737793&sr=1-1&keywords=night+mask

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Heya Alex! Thank you and thank you again for your kind words as well as reflective advice! I really feel eased that you brought the point up that 'quantum leaps' could be short term. It seems like that may be a route I will end up on because knowing me, I'm a go big or go home kinda person. I do need to work on balance in my life, letting go, not being OCD, allowing balance in everything and that is even my relationship to the computer/internet.

Thank you for this advice... it's really making me reflect quite a bit!

You're welcome! If you check out my journal, you'll see that I just work on doing little activities consistently to build momentum and progress over time. It is wonderful you're putting so much effort into journaling, but please keep in mind that the process of quitting games and improving your life is not a sprint, but a marathon :) That's why keeping accountable for making baby steps and keeping a balance each day is what I'd consider a long term, attainable solution. Previously when I've tried to go all-out self-motivation style, I mentally flop after a week because willpower is a finite resource which would be used up quickly by pushing myself too hard.

All the best for making your own steps towards fulfillment! :D

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<---- Big fan of a sleep mask! 

Also, installing f.lux app on your computer helps a lot!

Oh my goodness, I actually have had f.lux for the past 3 months but started 'disabling' it so that i could 'see my game better.' .... yeah... i just actually turned it back on and I'll keep in mind this helps~~ that retinal resistance! xD

 

Heya Alex! Thank you and thank you again for your kind words as well as reflective advice! I really feel eased that you brought the point up that 'quantum leaps' could be short term. It seems like that may be a route I will end up on because knowing me, I'm a go big or go home kinda person. I do need to work on balance in my life, letting go, not being OCD, allowing balance in everything and that is even my relationship to the computer/internet.

Thank you for this advice... it's really making me reflect quite a bit!

You're welcome! If you check out my journal, you'll see that I just work on doing little activities consistently to build momentum and progress over time. It is wonderful you're putting so much effort into journaling, but please keep in mind that the process of quitting games and improving your life is not a sprint, but a marathon :) That's why keeping accountable for making baby steps and keeping a balance each day is what I'd consider a long term, attainable solution. Previously when I've tried to go all-out self-motivation style, I mentally flop after a week because willpower is a finite resource which would be used up quickly by pushing myself too hard.

All the best for making your own steps towards fulfillment! :D

Yeah I read the first post today or was it yesterday? (haven't slept lol) and it was really good.. so poignant and resonated with me too. I definitely already feel like I'm burning out after i dont know, 4-5 days, so I think yeah, you are right, like exercise, academics, work, anything, good things come with time and patience and commitment~ yeah, I'm no Rocky Balboa. Yeah but losing everything in life to gaming, yeah, it def is shameful or not even everything, even an extra minute of gaming to get loot or whatever, and miss out on family time or significant other, or a friend's phone call.. yeah... 

I am enjoying this journaling though.. cuz.. I feel i'm not really journaling? lolol.... xD I feel like I'm cheating; kinda romanticizing my addiction and how it came about but yeah, I know it's gonna have a George RR Martin ending. LOL

Thanks so much Alex!! I am so glad I found this community and for your really really helpful advice... like seriously, I've always been poor at baby steps so that is definitely helpful to know, it is okay to fail at first or many times while trying to still climb... T.T thank you~~~~~!

 

========================================================

July 6th, 2016. 5.50pm EST.

I am going to journal tonight and part of it is replacing gaming time with physical exercise for health and many positive other reasons. I'm writing this here for accountability.

~Sylvia C (aka "Leyla")

 

Edited by Leyla
accountability reason lol

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Hi Sylvia, I'm really glad you've found my journal helpful!

I'd also recommend you read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, which is all about making consistent, small steps to make reliable change in the right direction. I think it'd be very relevant to what you're trying to do if you just read 10 pages or so per day.

I also relate to the shame associated with gaming, it was never something I was proud of. I'm happier with myself without gaming holding me back, so I encourage you to look forward to the 'new you'!

If you skip ahead in my journal you'll find I relapsed twice whilst attempting the detox, and had to start over. They were for different reasons, but there are lessons I learnt from them that were important for me to successfully replace gaming with more beneficial activities. Perhaps you could have a look at those when you've go the time so you don't make the same mistakes I did. The big issue I had was that I wasn't engaging in activities which fulfilled the needs that gaming did, so I wish you the best for finding new hobbies and fun activities :)

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