A refreshing realization

[Sweetsour]

For as long as I care to think about, I've experienced anxiety on a daily basis. I've also experienced severe depression a handful of times. As a result, I'm 29 and still live with my parents. Recently, I got a new job at A&W as kitchen staff. I'm a programmer and I.T. professional that has been struggling to find work in my field(s) (which I love), but my city's job market is garbage, to say the least. When I saw the job ad for the A&W job, I thought "screw it, I worked kitchen at McD's 11 years ago and remember loving it". I was excited to have finally gotten a call saying that I got a job. It's been so long since I've had a legitimate job. 

A couple days went by and I hadn't heard back about my training hours. So while I was out with the parents getting dinner, I decided to give them a call. The call went great, I got my training hours. Then it hit me. The moment I hung up, I instantly started feeling a severe panic take over me. Instant and strong anxiety took over. The thought of having to leave home for work? I haven't done such a thing in so long! Every waking moment from that point on was a constant struggle with anxiety. Constantly questioning myself: "Am I going to like this job?", "What if I don't do well?", etc.

What didn't help is that I'm very much a night owl and the first two shifts were breakfast shifts, to be trained on breakfast; though my main shift hours when I'm fully trained will be 3-11pm. This was the other appeal to this job, because I thought these hours were perfect for me. So, as a result, the thought of having to go to bed early and wake up at 6am loomed over me and I dreaded the idea. So my initial thinking was "just get through the two breakfast shifts and everything will be ok...".

The day came and I woke from a mostly restless sleep and drove to work. I got in my uniform and walked into the kitchen. I was instantly shocked from severe anxiety. I was overtaken by a feeling of surreality. Instantly, my mind thought "what am I doing here?!". As the morning progressed, I started very slightly at ease, but my anxiety was still very high. Then thoughts like "is this what I'm really going to be doing 8 hours a day for 5 days a week?". Being constantly bombarded with such negative realizations, I almost threw up and passed out in the kitchen. Thankfully I was allowed to step out of the kitchen and get some air and water. At this point, I was ready to quit on the spot. I honestly almost did. Then I thought to myself "No, I need the money. I want to contribute to society". So I pushed through it. It felt like a long day, to say the least.

I got home and my anxiety hadn't improved as I was reminded that I had to wake up early AGAIN and do it all over again. About an hour before I had to go to bed, I decided to seek advice and even research as to why I was feeling like this. I recall hearing about video game addiction, so I did some digging. This is when I stumbled on a TEDx vid of Cam's presentation for quitting gaming. His words resonated with me as I felt like he was talking to/about me directly. It was at this point that I truly knew that I was addicted to video games. I instantly felt a weight lifted off my chest from this realization. Finally knowing what's been causing all this (from present and past experiences), I can now work towards fixing the issues.

My second day (today) went a lot better, but it still wasn't perfect. My mind was in a constant power struggle of trying to convince myself to just quit and go back home to play video games. As a result, I would just say to myself "it's just the video games talking, it's just the video games talking. This really helped. I thought of goals, like actually having money in my bank account, moving out and finally getting my own place, etc. As a result, my anxiety at this moment is a lot better. It's not perfect, but it's definitely better.

I'm not planning on quitting video games completely, but my aim is to enjoy video games while also enjoying life; where video games don't dictate my life choices. Cam has inspired me and showed me that this can be done. I just want to feel better and live a more balanced life. I'm hoping for the best.

 

[Cam Adair]

Hey! Welcome to the forum, it's awesome to have you join us here. I feel you on the anxiety and depression side of things - I've struggled with both myself for many years. You can make a lot of progress on both of those! 

[FedererMagic]

Hi

Anxiety can be indeed a big motivation to stay at home and just play video games. But the problem with giving in to this, means that you're making it more diffcult for yourself to get out a next time. The anxiety will start building up and you can even feel it when you're just at home. I'm not saying all of this to scare you, but I had problems with this myself years ago and I hope my tips and insight can help you. An important thing is to try to get out of the house as much as possible. I know that it sucks at the moment and that sometimes it's the last thing you want to do, but there is no other option to get rid of it. Things that also helped for me were exercising as much as possible (gives you a calmer feeling), eating and drinking healthy (stopping with caffeine, sugar and stimulating products) and positive thinking. 

You have to find out for yourself what works and what you want to do, but I would recommend giving it a try  . Anxiety can be tricky and challenging to overcome, but it's very much possible to do so.

The best of luck!!

Edited April 2, 2016 by FedererMagic

[Falky]

Welcome friend  ! I suffered with severe agoraphobia and was pretty much like you, so i can relate a lot. I quit games for a totally different reason from you, for some people though games can affect their anxiety and it seems like it does for you.

I made a video on what things helped me to overcome my anxiety. (obviously they don't totally cure you anxiety, but they eased my anxiety)

Anxiety Video

Looking forward to your journal.

Best of luck and remember were all here to help!  

[Sweetsour]

I've wondered whether or not I too have agoraphobia. I get anxiety from so many different sources. That's a great video you made, btw!

P.S. - Thanks for the warm welcome everyone! This seems like a great community to be a part of.