Catching up in life, one day at a time

[dirac]

This is my first entry in this forum for quite some time. I used to journal here somewhat regularly a few years ago but at some point I stopped for whatever reason. I finished university a few months back and since then its gotten really bad again. I have been gaming so much and its getting worse by the week. I started a job but I often pretend to work in home office and just play video games instead. I feel depressed and guilty about it because I feel like people are starting to notice that my work is slacking. I feel stupid and useless because I am bad at my job. I am also not very passionate about it but its just an intermediate thing till my wife and I move to another country for a phd. 

I also got back to martial arts after a long injury break and I am not even a shadow of my former self. People that I easily defeated a year ago now absolutely destroy me, because while they kept training I slowly recovered from my injury and then was too afraid to train again for a year. So now I am just a weak loser in all areas of my life. This is what I am working with...

Its so frustrating to see people pass me left and right in life, while I am the only one that is not progressing because all my energy is going into video games. I have even reached the point where I start to become resentful towards friends who are having successes in life, because I am jealous and lazy. I want to see people around me fail so I dont feel bad for wasting my own life and can justify my gaming addiction to myself. And I am disgusted by myself, realising that this is how I think now.

And there is simply no other reason than my video game addiction. Whenever I managed to stay away from gaming for a few weeks my life was good and I felt great. Until someday I think, "one round of dota wont hurt" or "its ok to play skyrim its just a singleplayer game" or "you are just playing with a friend, that doesnt count". Then a few days later I am back to zero, playing hours per day, neglecting my duties at home, gaming during meetings and home office. And after a week or two like this I start feeling horrible. Depressed, guilty, ashamed and tired, so tired and exhausted.

I really dont want to live like this anymore. This cant be all that I am capable of, there has to be more to me then jealousy, lies, laziness and deception. I too must be able to live a good life, one without shame, guilt and emptiness. And I know that gaming is the answer to all my problems. I wish I just would be able to hold that thought towards the rest of my life. Because as soon as this resolve crumbles I will fall prey to this addiction again. But trying and trying again is the only option I have.

So today is day 1 of my journey. My big goal is 90 days because I have not managed to stay without video games for 90 days since I first started gaming when I was 6 years old. I printed out the respawn guide and I am working through it right now. I will also post here daily to keep up my resolve.

[GrainSiloEnthusiast]

Welcome back, you're in the right place!

[wheatbiscuit]

Hi Dirac, good to see your entry - to me, it looked difficult to type. I blew 2-3 months and then a couple more after a measly 1 year of study, during which I still gamed quite a bit: been on the detox for almost 60 days.

Martial arts has always seemed fun since I watched the original Karate Kid movies - do you lift weights too? There are a few gym-goers here, and (I can attest 😛), it can take less intelligence if you just want to feel better!

WB

~ Matt

[dirac]

Hi guys, glad to see your responses!

I also do lift weights but more of an addition to martial arts to have more strength and stability. But last week I just felt too tired to workout because I played video games for too long...

[dirac]

Today I want to start with saying a few things that I am grateful for. First of all I am incredibly grateful for my wife, she makes me so happy and is a wonderful person. I am further grateful that we are healthy, have a place to live and can afford good food. I am also grateful that I have been blessed with great parents and good friends. I am happy that even though it took myself a long time I managed to find things in live I care about. I am grateful for the opportunities life has presented me so far and I am hopeful that more will follow.

Today went well. I did not play any games and also wasnt too idle. I worked on a project for a little while and talked with two good friends which was very nice. One of my friends was very motivated to join me in my abstinence of nofap, as gaming is not much of an issue for him but he does struggle with porn consumption. We printed out a cool brain sketch that is split into several color fields which you can paint in, one day after another. If anyone is interested it can be found here

 

 

I am so happy that there is a whole other free day tomorrow. Its actually amazing how many things you can do on a weekend if you dont play video games. Weekends just to be over quicker than I even realised. I am excited about tomorrow and my future in general. I really do have hope that I can finally get my life back on track.

I also worked more with the respawn guide, which is why I started my journal entry with a message of gratitude. I think the idea of gratitude is very powerful because it shifts ones perspective in a very positive light. When you are on autopilot and are addicted to video games, everything else becomes sort of an obstacle. The job is something that keeps me from gaming. Cooking, cleaning and eating also keep me from gaming. This makes all of this things something that I want to avoid so I can game, instead of being grateful that I have a job that I actually enjoy and that enables me to eat food I like.

Tomorrow I am going to workout and spend some time with friends again. Definitely looking forward to it. But I hope I will also have time to work on some projects.

 

[dirac]

Day number 2

I am grateful for having friends at my martial arts training that help me get back into training after my injury. I dont know if I ever would have trained again without them. I am also grateful that I have found the perfect partner in life, I am so happy for every second I can spend with my wife. I am also grateful that the circumstances I live in are very nice.

 

Today went well but it wasnt a really great day either. I woke up had breakfast, watched netflix for two hours and then went to training. Training was fun, afterwards we went for a coffee together which was also nice. But at the moment I am still quite depressed and I wasnt really in the headspace to hang out with friends. I kind of just sat there and didnt really include myself because I just didnt know what to say. I was stuck in my head thinking about how unsatisfied I am with myself and how confused I am about life at the moment.

After that I made food with my wife and after we ate the day was almost over. So I just had a bout 2 hours now to do some stuff. I finished the respawn guide today, which was good. Looking forward to applying all the suggestions.

However, one thing I really struggle with is what to do with myself. Not because I dont have any ideas but rather because I have too many ideas and I just dont know what I should invest my time in. The problem is that if you have a job, a wife and workout regularly there is not that much time left anyways. I mean there is definitely enough time left but not for 5 different hobbies. Rather one or two. So out of all the ideas I have which one do I pick ? And on what grounds? Is it about what would be most fun, or most useful ?
I feel like I am in general at a turning point in my life. I just finished my masters degree and I am in the process of finding a phd position. But I am somewhat clueless which subject I should pick for that. I feel like this decision is gonna have a huge impact on my life and I am scared to make the wrong choice. There are so many interesting fields to pursue which makes it so hard to pick one. It feels like the age old video game question of should I play a mage, warrior, rouge, archer or whatever. In video games I often had the experience that after a few hours I wanted to play something else. I feel like this is somewhat difficult to do in real life.

This might actually be one of the main reasons why I played so much video games, because I wasnt able to chose what to do with my free time. But of course in the end playing video games is equal to doing nothing and no decision is definitely worse than the wrong decision. Even if I picked up a hobby for a few weeks and then dropped it again, I would have learned some essential skills and maybe even grew as a person. But because of video games I missed so many of those opportunities.

Maybe thats just the answer to my question. Pick one doesnt matter which, so just pick one and go with it. Most stuff is fun once you spent some time with it. And if not I can just do something else.

But in the end I didnt play video games, which is great!

[dirac]

Sadly I forgot to make a post yesterday, and its already a little late for me today so I will keep it short. I am still clean and had two relatively good days. However since a week or so I have been feeling incredibly exhausted the whole time. Today and yesterday were especially bad. I had such brain fog and such low energy I really didnt know how to deal with it. I hope this will pass in the next days because its definitely not very fun.

But on the bright side I had two nice days at work where I could really get back into it after I felt so bad for the last weeks of underperforming.

Lets keep it going! And I will try to write more again in the next couple of days

[dirac]

Here I go making promises and failing to deliver. Yesterday I was busy during the day and in the evening I went to the cinema and came home too late to write a post, so I will do it now.

Yesterday was the first really good day I had since like a week or so. The brain fog and lower energy was gone and I finally felt normal again. I was able to focus at work and also just felt good in general. Interestingly enough I did some neck massages with a black roll ball on tuesday evening because my neck felt quite tense. Maybe this is what opened up the paths to my brain again and cleared me of this brain fog. I just recently started bjj again and the sport is quiet taxing on the neck muscles, so maybe I just tensed up a lot because I was using those muscles suddenly much more.

But now that I feel physically fine I believe its gonna be easier to do something useful with my time, other than watching netflix, which was what I mainly did for the last few days. Today I am gonna buy some stuff at the city and later I will go to my martial arts training, afterwards I will go to my evening class for driving school. I am also planning to work on some private projects in between.

I am also planning to buy some ingredients to make some really healthy food for lunch today. My diet has gotten quite bad over the last weeks because I played so much video games that I was too lazy to cook myself proper food. That is something I really want to change/improve.

I will report on how the day went in the evening. Cant believe I already did 5 days and it is still going well!

[dirac]

Today went okay I guess. I felt pretty good and I basically followed through on what I wanted to do except of working on some project. I ended up watching netflix the majority of the day which is not ideal. But I still feel like its ok for now because I am still in my first week of quitting video games. So right now everything but gaming is somewhat ok. But of course in the long run I dont want to substitute one addiction for another.

But I am happy with how its going right now. I feel like I am growing as person after only 6 days. I cant even imagine what its gonna be like after those 90 days. I am gonna do my best to make everyday count. I still feel a bit lost but thats ok. I dont have to have everything figured out, as long as I am moving in the right direction.

Im excited for tomorrow, as its gonna be a cool day. I will go to work, then go to training and then have dinner with friends. The weekend is also fully planned as we are gonna visit my wifes parents in our home town. I am also looking forward to seeing her family again, as I like them very much. If I can make it through tomorrow and the weekend I will already have 9 days and I am confident I can make it, because I wont really be home and have so much planned.

Lets gooo

[dirac]

Day number 7

Today was a good day. I went to work, then to training and afterwards I had dinner with the guys. It was a really fun day I wasnt really at home much so it was also easy to stay away from games. We talked a lot about video games during dinner because all the guys are also gamers. But it didnt trigger me in the slightest. Weirdly enough its only been 7 days but I already dont feel like a gamer anymore. I feel like its a part of my past life like smoking weed which I quit 3 years ago. I am glad I can talk about video games without hating them and also not getting triggered that felt really nice.

At work I definitely felt like I want to do a bit more though. I think this mainly means changing my mornings. I believe waking up earlier would make the biggest difference but its just so damn hard. Whenever I try changing my sleep schedule to wake up an hour earlier I am just so tired. Even if I go to bed earlier I am just so tired. I know this would probably change after a few days but I just hate feeling so tired. But I think I just might try again starting on monday, I think it would be really good for me.

This could also lead to a different morning routine because the one I have right now is absolutely horrible. I wake up at 8, stare at my phone for a few minutes, take a shower, go to the bakery, get a sandwich, come back home, watch an episode of netflix while I eat the sandwich and have a coffee. Then I arrive at work at 10 in the morning. This is stupid. I would much rather wake up at 7, do something useful instead of netflix and arrive at work at 9. And this cant be that hard....

Imma make this to my new goal for next week. Wake up at 7 am every morning and develope a good morning routine that sets me up for the day. I want to either read/work/study or exercise in the morning. That would be awesome. Starting the day feeling like a winner, instead of feeling comfortable and lazy.

[dirac]

Day 8 and 9

The weekend went well, I went to my home town yesterday at lik 3 pm and just came back 2 hours ago. While I was going I wasnt thinking about games I just had a good time.

I bought an audiobook called the miracle morning and I want to start implementing some of the books suggestions. As I already hinted in my last post, my mornings suck and they definitely dont set me up for a good day.

So starting tomorrow I am getting up an hour earlier and will spend this first hour working on myself. I will take a cold shower, do some yoga, some reading and maybe some journaling. The journaling would take place right here if I do it.

I am confident enough to take it a step further with my life right now. I have abstained from games for 9 days and in those days I felt like anything but gaming is a win. But now is the time where I want to focus on improving my life. I watched so much netflix last week its not even funny anymore. But this week its all gonna change.

So tomorrow from 7 am to 8 am I will start my new morning routine, wish me luck!

[dirac]

Day 10

So here I am before 8 in the morning. I have already done 15 minutes of yoga, showered, made breakfast and packed my gym bag. In 30 minutes I will leave to take my bus to work. I got to say it feels pretty good to start the day a bit earlier and have time for yourself. The last 20-30 minutes I will spend reading.

However I already identified 1-2 things I want to change in my mourning routine. First the morning is too precious to pack my bad, I will do low maintenance stuff like this in the evening from now on. And weirdly enough I feel like the morning is a bit short, maybe I actually want to wake up even earlier. But first I want to stick with this 7 o clock schedule for atleast a week before waking up earlier.

I also tried out a new breakfast today, a simple shake with some joghurt, oats and berries. I always hated my breakfast before and if this keeps me sated for a few hours and doesnt hurt my stomach it will be my new go -to breakfast, because its super quick and simple and you can just drink it while reading or writing on the side.

Today I am planning to go to work and then go to the gym straight after, so I wont be home a lot, only in the evening for a few hours. When I come home I might work on some driving school theory or just read a bit. One episode of netflix is also fine.

Lets see what a day feels like after such a morning

[dirac]

Day 11

Today went pretty well. I didnt feel that fit physically but I still did all I wanted to do. I am actually very happy with it to be honest. I slept quite poorly, woke up regularly and also didnt sleep very long. Also we had quite a temperature drop today which often makes me feel a bit unwell.

I still went to work, did my new morning routine, worked out for 1 hour and went to my driving lesson. All in all a 12 hour day despite not feeling so great. This is a huge achievement for me because I used to quit things very easily if I didnt feel well. The old me would have skipped out on training and driving school because he would have justified that he "needed" to "rest" which would mean playing video games at home for 5-6 hours...

Thats why this is such a huge thing for me, to basically have a day that is normal for most people. I am very privilged in my live and always have been, because university tends to be very forgiving with taking time off here and there, while also having parents that arent rich but definitely have my back. All of this made me somewhat weak because I never really had to develope discipline. So at the moment I am consciously trying to get disciplined. I listened to an audiobook the other day and I found a nice quote, which basically said that discipline is nothing else but a habit of doing what is right and no what is easy. So today I consciously asked myself what would be the right thing to do, would it be going home early and "chilling" or to do what was on my agenda even though I didnt feel up to it. And of course the right thing is to push through. I absolutely believe that making this choice every day is what will make you a disciplined person.

I am even making another hard decision right now. Not watching netflix but going to bed on time and reading a little bit so I can actually rest and have energy for tomorrow.

Damn its only been 12 days but I have to say I am already pretty excited at my progress. Cant even think about what it could be like after day 90.

[wheatbiscuit]

14 hours ago, dirac said:

I found a nice quote, which basically said that discipline is nothing else but a habit of doing what is right and no what is easy.

Damn its only been 12 days but I have to say I am already pretty excited at my progress. Cant even think about what it could be like after day 90.

Dumbledore says that in HP movie 4 or 5 😛 The book series is what incidentally got me through my first few weeks here. Good reminder!

Edited July 26, 2023 by wheatbiscuit