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It's even my first poor English journal in life. ^_^ 2022.11.11 Hope to make a difference in life route


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2022.11.11

I'm busy all workday, not tiring but not have plenty of time to pay lots of attention to other things. Weekends in recent days in future is busy too. Don't have enough time to play game and to write a lot.

At moment, I don't have much motivation to play game, because time is limited after all. but what about future?

I still worry that whether I have an activity to relax myself efficiently while I'm in extreme pressure except for game. That's kind of activity you truly love and make me immersed completely, forget the pressure. 

I tried writing story, draw, harmonica, crafting and photography. But these activities can only last for less 1 hour. I have to change activities frequently in order to not get bored in a day.

maybe I write this essay for hours, but it's temporary. it's not every day's activity. 

I also found different environment effects the attention to activity. An open environment with much external stimulation such as people around me, passing by, people's talk, things around me, will help me pay more attention to activity, even I'm not very interested in it, I can't still do it for long time. But a closed environment like my apartment room——8 square meters room with narrow window, makes me easier lose attention.

and also, thought above leads me to thinking whether my purpose is just  finding ways to kill time. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN SEVERAL DECADES LIFE. indeed, there are something but untouchable. I don't have enough money(traveling), enough skills (play melody to express emotion and draw to express), equipment(crafting) partner(fighting or boxing) and so on...

I have to develop myself first. In other words, I'm hungry for mental food, but I don't have survival skill for mental food(psychological need).

Also, I know I'm influenced by society, public, people's value judgement and think I should do VALUABLE things. But what is valuable exactly? I know this in logic mind, but I still tend to that in emotion mind. Even at this moment when i write this journal, I know I write journal to fix myself in logic mind, but I want to show my unique thoughts in emotion mind. 

GO ON PRACTICING...

p.s. What do I love to do in heart, except for game? 

Edited by You did not pass the secur
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19 minutes ago, You did not pass the secur said:

2022.11.11

I'm busy all workday, not tiring but not have plenty of time to pay lots of attention to other things. Weekends in recent days in future is busy too. Don't have enough time to play game and to write a lot.

At moment, I don't have much motivation to play game, because time is limited after all. but what about future?

I still worry that whether I have an activity to relax myself efficiently while I'm in extreme pressure except for game. That's kind of activity you truly love and make me immersed completely, forget the pressure. 

I tried writing story, draw, harmonica, crafting and photography. But these activities can only last for less 1 hour. I have to change activities frequently in order to not get bored in a day.

maybe I write this essay for hours, but it's temporary. it's not every day's activity. 

I also found different environment effects the attention to activity. An open environment with much external stimulation such as people around me, passing by, people's talk, things around me, will help me pay more attention to activity, even I'm not very interested in it, I can't still do it for long time. But a closed environment like my apartment room——8 square meters room with narrow window, makes me easier lose attention.

and also, thought above leads me to thinking whether my purpose is just  finding ways to kill time. WHAT DO I WANT TO DO IN SEVERAL DECADES LIFE. indeed, there are something but untouchable. I don't have enough money(traveling), enough skills (play melody to express emotion and draw to express), equipment(crafting) partner(fighting or boxing) and so on...

I have to develop myself first. In other words, I'm hungry for mental food, but I don't have survival skill for mental food(psychological need).

Also, I know I'm influenced by society, public, people's value judgement and think I should do VALUABLE things. But what is valuable exactly? I know this in logic mind, but I still tend to that in emotion mind. Even at this moment when i write this journal, I know I write journal to fix myself in logic mind, but I want to show my unique thoughts in emotion mind. 

GO ON PRACTICING...

p.s. What do I love to do in heart, except for game? 

What do I want exactly in my life?

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2022.11.12

I'm very tired mentally and physically when I typed this sentence. I' mentally exhuasted and my eyes ache for some unknow reason. Eye's pain distracts me. Psychological pressure leads to some hormone's change in body, which leads to intraocular pressure increasing. It's a feeling that eyeball is going to explode. But when I type this sentence, it seems my condition is a little better than the last moment.

module 4 is very very usefull!!!

I have to leave now, eyes ache again.

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2022.11.13

After a very very good sleep, I feel very free and refreshed when i wake up this morning. Last night's sleep is without any pressure or concern or responsibility. I wake up naturally. Today is completely free. Nothing I have to finish. I can do anything I want to do(of course, module 4 said in the first days of quitting game, being passionate to some hobby is unlikely, because  gaming causes some physiological change in brain). But the first thing I must do is writing journal a lot, putting things in my mind all out to this journal! Actually, my thought is more choatic. Because in recent years and nihilism grow more and more powerful in my spirit world. I began to be doubtful to everything, and wanted to try everything a little even if everyone said it's wrong and harmful. I'm even doubtful to the last sentence " I began to be doubtful to everything, and wanted to try everything a little even if everyone said it's wrong and harmful." I know I have to read more philosophy book to construct building in spirit world. Skepticism just breaks thoughts but doesn't constructs new thought. (I even doubt why I must live with constructed thought, why don't I just live with broken thoughts pieces and debrics. Yes, I live like a monk. That's called "practice". In many novels, ) But when I try to read book, tirness comes. Game steals my spirit energy. (writting speed is much less than thought speed. That's feel aweful. I know when I wrote the last sentence, I was actually showing off my divergent thingking and intuition ability. Dramatically, that's not excellent intuition's characteristics , it's just that I accumulated so many thoughts in my mind, after I emission them all. my thought will become a small river again. All right, I'm just showing off my unique. I know I shouldn't show off sanely, but I show off instinctly. And some may laught at me, because what I show off is just choatic......)

STOP! STOP WRITING JUST FOLLOWING MY THOUGHT LIKE WIND. THAT'S NOT THE REASON I DISLIKE WRITING LOGICALLY. I should try writting logically, to practice my logic ability.

Allright, admit it please. I'm just feel lonely. I just need a company who I can give my back to him/her/it/them with trust.

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2022.11.14 18:49

I had high mood swings. Small trouble will result in huge mood swing. And it turns a relaxing and expecting day into a tiring and boring day when I counldn't pay enough attention and energy to do somethging mentally engaging. 

I'm so fragile and sentitive. I hate my body's psysiological characteristic.

Another question: what if game is the only thing I LOVE even I can keep myself from game all the time? Forget it. Havn't I gotten used to living without sense of meaning ? Just walk the dead. I had led a life playing game all day without sense of meaning. Maybe it's time to lead a life quitting game without sense of meaning. None of them are meaningful anyway. 

I'm so fragile that I hate myself. I'm scum.

 

19:46

Write down ten things I are grateful for:

1. I'm handsome. At least, I look healthy, honest and kind.

2. I will graduate from a good college. And I have found a job. Although job's salary isn't very high, I don't worry about survival.

3. I found Youtube. It's a amazing website where there are lots of very useful tutorials. A good source!

4. I found Game Quitter! At least it gives me some little hope for life and let me know I'm addicted to game psysiologically. I can't imagine what will happen if I was still playing game after graduating and getting to work.

5. I have enough money, not much, but surely enough

6. I will eat pears later

7. I can drink water at room

8. It's 19:58, but I still have enough time to listen to a novel

9. I will meet the girl tomorrow again.

10. I still have the last half year time of my student life.

11. There is a novel book besides me! Iwill read it.

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2022.11.15

So sentitive and a broken heart. Emotional storm came. I'm exhuasted. 

"I can't understand how someone can care about a small thing so much. That's ridiculus."

I'm a ...

f**k...

what am i doing

mess mess messs mess mess mess mess mess mess mess mess mess mess mess mess mess messmsmsmsmsmsmsmsmsmssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Save me please god.

Hi, me, save me please. 

ah......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

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2022.11.16

tired tired tired and tired all the evening. And... so it's time to go to game. That's the usual routine. And for now? I'm not playing game but tired still. Even tired to learn RASPAWN modules.

well, there is an important phnomen. Because of quitting games for several days, now simplest game can attract me. Last night I play a simple tower defense game for almost 2 hours.

image.thumb.png.9e55bccc76741f2cca3b2e8f1b836f83.png

 

I realize i'm lack for sense of achievement whcih is shown as the happiness of accumulating coins in game.

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2022.11.18

last night I gave up recording journal as usual. And today, from now on to 11.20's evening, I'm completely free and can do anything I want. So, the usual problem, what do I want to do?

Recently, I often felt bored and need something of achievement. I NEED SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT, like the happiness of accumulating coins in games.

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2022.11.20

If I wrote this journal yesterday, I must say "f**k", but today I just feel helpless.

From 11.18 evening to 11.19 afternoon, I played games for over 10 hours. And I *** twice. Everything return to null. All I accumulated through everyday's discipline is ran out beacause of the pleasure of 1 day and 1 night.

I return to the deactivated condition again now, and don't want to write this journal. Boring. Nothing expecting. meaningless. after huge amount of pressure, 

I fail.

Every fallout happens. I need to rethink about it and learn something.

I packed up my laptop with good CPU AND GPU. And I took out the old laptop with low but enough performance.

detox is like physical pain, and game is the only drug. 

I...

my mind has drifted away like wind. can't go on writting anymore......

I PLAY GAME AGAIN FOR OVER 10 HOURS YESTERDAY.

F**K, mindless f**k.

RESTART``````

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You relapsed. However, you made yourself write your latest journal entry.

It is easy to continue gaming once you have relapsed. You can use your awareness to make it harder to game. Module #2 in Cam's Respawn program is an important step for this.
 

On 11/18/2022 at 12:18 AM, You did not pass the secur said:

I NEED SENSE OF ACHIEVEMENT

I am not sure how far you have progressed in Cam's Respawn program. If you have not done so already, I would reach module #4. It suggests replacement activities that give a sense of achievement.

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2 hours ago, Resonant_Shell said:

You relapsed. However, you made yourself write your latest journal entry.

It is easy to continue gaming once you have relapsed. You can use your awareness to make it harder to game. Module #2 in Cam's Respawn program is an important step for this.
 

I am not sure how far you have progressed in Cam's Respawn program. If you have not done so already, I would reach module #4. It suggests replacement activities that give a sense of achievement.

Thank you for your advice. I learned module #2 and #4. But maybe I should relearn them carefully. Good luck to your respawn.

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2022.11.21

workday begins. I live normally. Today is satisfying, just a little boring. Oh, last night before sleeping, I did *** again. What a pity. The momentum I accumulated for several days was weaakened by last weekend's relapse and ***. 

I find apartment environment makes me eaier get bored and distracted, but office environment makes me more attracted, even the boringest thing ——  studying, I can study for 1 hour in office environment. But in apartment, something I'm a little interested at home in the past, can't attract my attention for over 15mins. Apartment absorbs my energy. Watch out!

Moreover, I communicated with other people in my journal topic today. The first time I'm connected with others in this community! Congratulations!!! Social activity is amazing! This feeling is amazing! 

In addition. Maybe addiction is also social problem. I mean maybe it is due to scoiety environment we are addicted to game, which is the reason why so many people have addiction problems. Human beings in today's society is very probable to addiction. Today's society is safe for our body, but is dangerous for our soul. We are good at physical survival skills, but we are bad at mental survival skills, and maybe mental threat nowadays is one of the most dangerous ones among history. Maybe it's not my responsibility to get addicted, though of course I should take responsibility of that. 

You live or die in a mental way.

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5 hours ago, You did not pass the secur said:

Apartment absorbs my energy.

Are you able to adjust your environment at all? Even something like moving around furniture/lights/decorations can trick your brain to treating as a "new" environment, and in that window it's possible to create new associations and habits with the place. 

Good luck! I agree, social activity is amazing- every time I come here, I pick 1-2 random journals to comment on, it feels wonderful!

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10 hours ago, Pochatok said:

Are you able to adjust your environment at all? Even something like moving around furniture/lights/decorations can trick your brain to treating as a "new" environment, and in that window it's possible to create new associations and habits with the place. 

Good luck! I agree, social activity is amazing- every time I come here, I pick 1-2 random journals to comment on, it feels wonderful!

Thank you. Moving around furniture/lights/decorations is an interesting idea! Maybe I should try it while moving to other environment more often like student's office. 

"pick 1-2 random journals to comment on" is also good for me to try. I'm busy and have little energy to comment on others specially, but 1-2 random comment is a good start to try.

Good luck to you : )

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2022.11.22

image.thumb.jpeg.8aeaf957e37b99315b86f5c6b69c86d3.jpeg

Fig 1 Happy time and happy moment. Around 10 am I was tired and went to our college's office building roof for rest. Cool air in autumn, bright sunshine, peaceful atmosphere. It's simple and usual and buildings in photo are rambling and uh oh my techniques for photography is awful . But at that moment, I really feel happy from heart. Maybe I will feel bored and tired and painful this evening again. Maybe I was born to suffer. But this moment is happy indeed. It exists. It is. A beautiful flower in garbage. But it is a real beautiful, even in garbage. Garbage can't change the fact that flower is beautiful, though flower can't change fact that garbage is awful....Well I'm too pessimistic maybe. Time to back to work.

 

12:48 pm added/edited

little random comment and photo with annotation everyday. Take a try.

Stimulation is important. Just feel or sense it, not judge. Open environment like office has lots of stimulation such as people around me, sound, light change, moving people. These stimulation seems activate me. But my room is 8 square meter with a small window. It prevent many stimulation outside. It ddeactivates me. 

It reminds me of a psychological experiment called "Sensory deprivation experiment".

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2022.11.23

Many people in journal topic look productive and ambitious and changing or improving themselves. I regard journal topic as a secure/safe area to share my inner and outer life and say something or behave that I won't do among acquaintance. I'm little afraid that sharing isn't fitted to this area full of ambition and hope, because I'm not a typical man with ambition, but a man with a little hedonism and ease. So I will be low-key while sharing a little. 

Pain in normal life is due to human being's nature. How I wish that I have an oppotunity to practice Taoism.

p.s. I worry all the time , whether this journal was polite. I ask me why to worry all the time. Answer is  that I'm afraid to be ridiculed. The root cause is my fragile heart.

 

image.thumb.jpeg.a02774207391f328d75580828d8a33ad.jpeg

Figure: Outside our dormitory building.

 

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On 11/21/2022 at 8:48 PM, You did not pass the secur said:

Maybe I was born to suffer

That's very unfair for you to say to yourself! No one is born to suffer, we all get to choose what our life aspires towards. It does not have to be suffering. You're not garbage 🙂 

I haven't read it myself yet, but heard good things about the "Personality isn't permanent" when it comes to making the process of altering your self-definition a bit easier.

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17 hours ago, You did not pass the secur said:

I'm little afraid that sharing isn't fitted to this area full of ambition and hope

I think I view journaling here in a similar way to how you view it.
Outside of work, I am not necessarily productive. Simply reflecting on the day sometimes results in longer journal entries.

I would encourage you to not let worry stop you from journaling about your inner life. According to Cam, one purpose of your journal topic is to process your thoughts and emotions (source). The only true requirements are the Forum Rules.

By the way, I like your new photo. You said your techniques for photography were "awful." However, I think your latest photo captured more interesting details.

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11 hours ago, Pochatok said:

That's very unfair for you to say to yourself! No one is born to suffer, we all get to choose what our life aspires towards. It does not have to be suffering. You're not garbage 🙂 

I haven't read it myself yet, but heard good things about the "Personality isn't permanent" when it comes to making the process of altering your self-definition a bit easier.

Thank you for "Personality isn't permanent". Actually, my personality, belief, value construction is changing and vague all the time . Therefore, without specific belief construction, I even don't know whether I was born to suffer or whether I have the ability to choose what my life aspires towards. I don't know answers about everything in world. Because world is complex, and I'm not wise enough to see through world. Oh, that's kind of philosophical.😅 But, yes I'm kind of scepticism. However, without perfect and complete belief, I can still do many things, experience things, feel things. Because I'm alive, not dead, so I have ability to interact with the world. I have plenty of time to have a try on many different things. In other word, that's : I'm alive and was put in this world, so why not do something, walk around, experience some emtions, make good use of time I'm alive, even don't know why I should do it. I don't need reason, just experience life itself.

Oh, why I say so much hahahahahahaha, maybe just want to show I'm okay🤣

Thank you again for your encourage

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6 hours ago, Resonant_Shell said:

I think I view journaling here in a similar way to how you view it.
Outside of work, I am not necessarily productive. Simply reflecting on the day sometimes results in longer journal entries.

I would encourage you to not let worry stop you from journaling about your inner life. According to Cam, one purpose of your journal topic is to process your thoughts and emotions (source). The only true requirements are the Forum Rules.

By the way, I like your new photo. You said your techniques for photography were "awful." However, I think your latest photo captured more interesting details.

Hahahahaha.😁 I just can't express my feelings throughout the photo at the moment when taking photo. Lack for ability to show beauty of a scene. I often find somewhere very beautiful and immersing, but after I took a picture of there, I: "??????" confusedly. That picture looks just so so.

 

Of course, I won't stop sharing my life. The function "process your thoughts " is really useful, really!

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2022.11.24

Well, I want to write, but I have write enough in other comment and it's time to sleep in noon. 

 

image.thumb.png.ce33cd426f1677c2755ebc35cad6f55c.png

Figure: THE WINTER IS COMING!!! 🥶

 

 

21:37 pm added/edited

I find a ecellent and convenient way to play music—— autopiano: https://www.autopiano.cn/en/ 

I can play piano on web page. It's very portable. When I'm tired at work, I open the page to enjoy it for a while. That's a good activity.

Of course, I don't know how to piano, I didn't learn it before. I just use keyboard and a numbered musical notation. I'm not play well, but I was immersed in it. 

 

Vanity can destroy interest!! But it's human being's physiological nature which I can't get rid of it. Maybe that's the cost of being born into a human body.

Good luck to tomorrow after all, and good luck to all you comrades.

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2022.11.25

image.jpeg.10bbbc278faa1b9d27a31844cf28fa60.jpeg

Figure: GUNDAM(General Unilateral Neuro-Link Dispersive Autonomic Maneuver Synthsis System) The robot is dream when I was a boy and hold the dream's variant up to now. It transformed many time from one form to another. The latest form is the Boston Dynamic's legged robot. But in many "cross roads", I made wrong choose. Therefore, I'll say goodbye to it soon when I graduate next year. That's part of growing up.

 

YOUTUBE IS A TREASURE!!!! How late I find it. There are many many many useful video on it. 

 

Time at noon is still limited and not enough to write a full journal. I want to write more, no time howerer.

I searched some theroy or method about psychology of interest, but find it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFEC85zDwL4

 

 

time to sleep.

Weekend comes again, wish I can "survive".

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2022.11.26

Weekend comes. Survival time! At least up to this morning, I am alive. I have more free time to write. 

Yesterday evening I played "keyboard piano" for over 2 hours. In the whole process, I was extremely attracted, which maybe is called "flow" in psychology. Because I love listening to music. I always put my heart into listening to a song while just sitting or lying there without doing anything. Sometimes I am so excited/thrilled/emotional as to clench my fists and grab ground with toes tightly when listening to music (Maybe it's also because I have neurasthenia and therefore I become more sensitive neutrally). That shows melody can give me great neuro feedback. So when I play keyboard piano (I didn't learn piano before), every time I press the right keys in right order, a piece of  pleasant melody make out. That's quick and strong and immediate feedback, just like video games. I can't stop and think about anything else, try the same melody again and again. Only you try your best to press the specific key in specific order, the sound you expected came out. The more accurate you press, the more pleasing the melody sounds.  

I used to play tremolo harmonica, terribly. Yes, I love the melody I make through the instrument. But I can't even make out a right note I want. I want to make out "do", but the sound I make is "me". The positive feedback is hard to produce. 

The feedback is KEY.

Maybe problem in life is the space I can improve, like I can't play piano so I have space to improve my skills on it. The space I can improve is the opportunity to get positive feedback. For example, someone buy a car in good condition. So he drives it as usual. Nothing special happens. another one also buys a broken car with many problems. He suffers it a lot, and need fix it. The suffer may invoke his more attention/energy/care/interest on mechanic of vehicle.  The problem causes more interest. If a man is perfect, What will attract the man. Maybe because if lack something, man is interested in something and have motivation. Maybe that's the motivation of living/fire of life? make physical body and mental spirit move and move all the time without one second stop?

And, why I always say "that's the *** of life", "why we live *****", " what's the meaning ****" . That's judgments about meaning, but useless most times. But I want to write. Oh, no, my mind go into chaos again. Stop......

I don't know whether this extremely wonderful experience will continue to exist in my future life. Maybe I just enjoy the process of learning keyboard piano, not enjoy piano itself, because the process of learning includes a high and immediate feedback. Maybe for the theory of diminishing marginal utility, my huge pleasure on this thing will decrease as I practice keyboard piano more and more time.

 

image.thumb.jpeg.9c980f0e5267885b952056adbfa727ac.jpeg

Figure: red and green. A photo just for orderly journal form

 

12:45 added/edited

Survived the first day's morning. Begin to think of dangerous thought that it's a waste of weekend to not do some very interesting things. And begin to feel a little desire for some "very interesting things".

There is a demonstration breaking out in my homeland recently. ........although I don't understood politics, I.............complex emotion..........

Good luck to everyone.

15:15 a/e

Mind starts to be a little more chaotic and anxious. The interest on keyboard piano did decrease a lot. 

How to do? Use the activity list in worksheet. Don't think about what to do next, which consumes energy.

16:52

Add project "dream" in daily journal. Just take a try.

At the moment, I'm in not bad condition.

Go on surviving.

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2022.11.27

Change today. Try another journal template.

 

 

NO GAMING:              7 DAYS
NO PORN:                    7 DAYS

 

Physical task:  stand stake for less 1 min, qigong

Mental task: keyboard-piano, study, journal, watch lecture on youtube, listen to music, read pages of book

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