Nethernox's Journal

[nethernox]

Heya all. Entry 1, hopefully more to come... I really need to build up my "commitment to things" energy. 

I've been (loosely?) weaning off games for about the past month, deleted Steam and Epic. I don't really know how to count that, but it's still a win for gaming less.

I felt inspired to write this post bc I made the decision to cancel my Darktide preorder (which I rationalised as a "last game I'll ever buy"), but upon reflection, realise that regardless of whether it's a universe that I love, or that Jesper Kyd is composing the music, and how immersive the experience would be, I realised - that's the trap. It's absolutely not worth janking up my mouse shoulder more and making me a more miserable person 24/7. 

I'm still struggling with filling up my time with other productive(?) activities though, it feels like everything is a timesink or distraction - Netflix, Youtube, etc. Are watching documentaries on Curiosity/Nebula 'better' distractions? 

I struggle with low-energy and end up gravitating to Youtube/Social Media since I feel like I literally don't have the brain capacity for anything else, since I'm struggling with chronic fatigue/sleep apnea, so I'm hoping this dopamine detox will help in some form. Been sticking to my gym, morning meditation, and walking a lot. Sure wish I could move forward in other areas though, like organisation and journalling. 

Edited October 28, 2022 by nethernox

[Amphibian220]

Rock on man, stay there. In a boxing match, sometimes the opponent catches you and unleashes an attack, so you’ve got to slip punches, weave and clinch. Then when he tires himself out, you go in for your attack.

You stick to healthy alternatives and you will call the enemy’s bluff soon. Remember these media specialists designed products to trap you, so you have to take a step by step approach, and take care of yourself and find support from family and friends.

I cannot tell you what an empowering reward it is to bring the mind to its healthy state, when simple things like playing a sport is all you need.

[nethernox]

 

Stream-of-Consciousness post:

I don't know what support I'm looking for exactly, just wondering if anyone can relate to my experience (as I perceive it) - I've had lifelong sleep apnea, anxiety/depression to accompany it (since I'm basically a sleep-deprived zombie). 
Gaming since young with not much regulation, so that's definitely not helped things, because I was also not able to study anyway (due to drowsiness from the sleep apnea, the hyper-stimulation of games). I've fucked up my eyes/shoulder bc of lack of even the awareness of proper ergonomics, that I don't know if quitting PC use for a while is what's needed.

I'm pretty sure deleting Epic/Steam is the right move for me, but I'm struggling with the "urge to distraction", whether that is social media, anime, reading LNs... so I'm wondering if the solution is full tech cold turkey. 

Idk what to do to get my brain to "baseline", since it's starting to feel like there never was a baseline before. Not sure how to get back since it feels like I've ruined my life/body. 

I have been centering my life around gym for 4-5yrs now, and ppl are complimenting me on physical gains, really trying to internalise that, but frustrated since it seems like other ppl experience that "boost" much more apparently?

Mentally, I still feel like I'm doing poorly (struggling with daily maintenance tasks, cleaning my room, general malaise). Still feel like a disassociated zombie inside, struggling to find activities that "bring joy"? like maybe listening to lo-fi helps. Idk if this is major depression or burnout or chronic fatigue. Medication seems to have made things a lot worse too. 

It's really tangled up. I'm hoping things improve once I can definitively say for sure that the sleep apnea issue is "resolved", but I don't even have a lot of trust in the medical side of things. Hard not to feel bitter about circumstances that went undiagnosed my entire life, and not knowing if I'm pushing myself into worse fatigue even as I try to "live healthier"... so the temptation to slide back into games and let go seems to always be there. 

Edited December 11, 2022 by nethernox

[Amphibian220]

1st point, you are not going into a worse fatigue by abstaining at this point. Its just that the videogaming was the thing that blocked your senses from sensing all this pain.

Don't believe the “one time lie”, stay in the detox and ask for help where you need it. You have to find medical professionals whom you can trust. You need a structured recovery program. 

I used to do low energy stretching when I felt like I could barely stand and this immediately increased my energy levels. Living without overstimulation is tough at first. But it gets better, but even after years I know that mindless scrolling is so much more fun than just doing my daily plan. But doing my daily plan is a first priority.

You can now testify that media entertainment is designed to neutralize people and emasculate them. Much better means than using an army.

 

Edited December 11, 2022 by Amphibian220

[Resonant_Shell]

On 12/10/2022 at 10:14 PM, nethernox said:

I'm basically a sleep-deprived zombie

While I can't relate to having sleep problems / apnea, I have been able to relate to this description for multiple periods over the last few years. Specifically, I have experienced this as the result of self-induced, internet-fueled sleep deprivation.
 

On 12/10/2022 at 10:14 PM, nethernox said:

I'm pretty sure deleting Epic/Steam is the right move for me, but I'm struggling with the "urge to distraction"

Regardless of whether or not you decide to go cold turkey from digital technology, you can proceed to uninstall those applications and deleting their corresponding accounts. Doing so might serve as a stepping stone to then moving beyond the distraction urge.
 

On 12/10/2022 at 10:14 PM, nethernox said:

not knowing if I'm pushing myself into worse fatigue even as I try to "live healthier"

If this uncertainty is stemming from centering your life around the gym, I would consider continuing your efforts. My dad has repeatedly reminded me that exercise will help when my sleep quality decreases. I have not consistently exercised in a while, but I do not recall being able to prove my dad wrong when I did.

In fact, I recently forwarded him the following article, confirming that I should not be worrying about exercising after work instead of in the morning:  https://thesleepdoctor.com/exercise/best-time-of-day-to-exercise-for-sleep/