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Diary of an old man with ADHD


Radio Biscuit
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So it's day one and I played this morning. I told my wife (I can't help being honest) and we've changed the password on the game account so only she has it now. That should stop me downloading it again I hope.

I have a fill in job for someone today, so I will be busy, but it's the evenings and tomorrow I'm dreading. My ADHD meds aren't right yet and I may end up on the bed all weekend trying not to hurt myself. That's what it tends to end up with. However, that's just me projecting into the future, so I should try and ignore that.

I don't want to write any more as it's making me upset and angry just doing this. Maybe tomorrow things will be better.

Take a breath

A

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So day two ...

That didn't go quite as planned. Emotions are running very high and I was going from huge depression to normality and back in a matter minutes. Arguing with my wife and not able to make a single decision. Made it through the day, but almost went to emergency due to the harmful thoughts I was having. THERE IS NOTHING TO REPLACE THE DOPAMINE THAT I NEED TO FUNCTION WITH ADHD.

A

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Day Three

Spent most of this in bed trying not to smash things and hurt myself. Almost went to emergency again. Didn't take any ADHD meds as this may have been heightening the emotional response. Hell on earth.

A

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Day Four.

So, not as bad today, but still tried to get a call in with my doctor. There isn't anything until Friday and I have an appointment on the following Monday anyway, so there's no point. Just wanted to let them know I'd ditched the meds to get over the gaming problem. Don't think I'll need to go to emergency. Feel calmer today, but spent most of morning lying on bed. Eating through the boredom. Feel sick. Very depressed. Can't talk with my wife as she ends up saying things that inadvertently upset me beyond control.

A

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So yesterday was a bit better. Managed to get about an hour of "normal" life in before my mood nosedived. Spent most of the day in bed. Moods not as intense as the day before. Slowly getting easier.

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Started up the ADHD meds again today, just half a dose, I didn't want to end up in emergency. Was fine for about two hours and then went back to bed until the early afternoon. Too bored to do anything. I was going to get stuck into the mixing software I need to master, but my ADHD gave me no motivation. Managed a few other activities (some essential to the day, some not). In the afternoon I managed to get going on the music again and added some more tracks and bands to my list to acquire. Started working on learning Unreal Engine 5 again, got bored fast with that, but otherwise a good day.

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"Normal" dose of stimulant today (just a bit less than normal). Seems okay so far, but already very bored. Still no motivation to do anything else when I'm bored. If someone said "Go for a walk" I'd gouge their eyes out and then cut them up into pieces and put each piece in a different public trash can. Then I'd start on their family.

Otherwise, quite a nice day.

Haven't touched a game since last week. Not really thinking of gaming at all, only when really, really, violently bored.

My brother's getting married tomorrow, so hopefully that will be a distraction.

A

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So the wedding went well.

I'm an alcoholic (thanks ADHD!), so I control my intake very carefully and only allow myself to have two drinks (maximum three on special occasions). I was also a heavy smoker (thanks again ADHD!) and while I stopped that over ten years ago, I relapse sometimes for a few cigarettes and then stop again.

At the wedding I was reminded why I drank so much in the past - I don't really begin to enjoy myself until I have a good buzz going. Didn't get quite there this time, but I guess it was okay. I continually wanted to smoke with others that were doing so, just to be social. I guess it's a throwback to socialising in the past. I needed to smoke to make friends.

Bored and upset once I got home. My brother got married and I'm very happy for the new couple (they truly are amazing together), but pissed of with having to fake happiness for the evening.

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So then the last four days have been a gradual climb to the sunlight.

Upped the ADHD meds by a notch and now able to get on with stuff more easily (ADHD prevents any internal motivation for me). Working on a passion project is now happening more regularly, but I still have a way to go until it's a regular pass-time. It's still an inexact science and getting the level of stimulant right is a hit and miss affair.

Went to Montreal for the day on Tuesday as it was such a nice day (it's only a couple of hours up the road from here). Had a nice time, but still feeling empty afterwards. Once the meds wear off in the evening (the "drop off") I feel empty and upset. I often just go to bed early (stupidly early sometimes). I'm quitting gaming to improve my relationship and my chances of getting on with some gainful employment.

It's not working. Yet.

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So managed to get on with some of my Media project and worked on some Linux server set up associated with that. Got bored in the afternoon and went to bed for a while. Woken up by an unannounced visitor, but happy to see them and my wife and I chatted with them well into the evening. Nice evening. No withdrawal problems apart from the afternoon.

That was yesterday.

Today I ended up back in bed by 11:00 am feeling very depressed and suicidal. I almost got to the point of cutting myself to test the pain, but managed to think around that for the moment. I'm lucky that I love my wife so much that I just have to think of her reaction to such a thing and it's enough to put me off it.

I wish I could take the pain away. I'm grieving for pleasure. I used to have a pleasurable life, now I have nothing to make me feel happy with any consistency.

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So I've missed a few days.

They weren't good as the methylphenidate that I take wasn't working at all and all I could feel was the enhanced emotions that this medication can produce. The emotions were pure despair. Came close to cutting myself, but got on top of it. Stopped the meds now and attempting to get help with that. I guess another medication might work. Anyway, not a great place to be when gaming was the only release. Managed to stay off the games though.

Still missing the ability to absorb myself in a game and feel okay after playing. There's nothing to replace it still. Went out with a mate and ended up smoking again to try and get some dopamine into me, but it actually didn't help. That's a good thing as it's proved to me that the bad habits I had were not helping anyway. So, I don't drink, I don't smoke and now I don't take my meds. Still depressed and wishing for some relief.

As of today (November 4) I'm feeling a bit better and managed to get onto the computer to write this. Still feeling the game withdrawal. Just want to cry all day like yesterday.

Looking forward to getting back to sleep tonight so I don't have to live like this. 

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