Mhyrion

This week wasn't 100% as productive as intended, but I've spend a lot of time with hubby and feel quite relaxed right now. Today is a bit of a shit day however. Went swimming yesterday while already having aching muscles. I thought it might help. I was wrong. I feel like a wreck with a sore back and a very strained leg muscle that was causing me so much pain this morning I took to painkillers. Fucking hell. So I mostly spend my time reading today. It's a captivating enough book, but I feel tired and slightly grumpy from sitting around so much. I am not certain if doing a workout might make matters worse, walking/standing around feels shit already, so I rescheduled that for tomorrow. I also have to go to the gym on Tuesday this week due to birthday parties that need attending. I am both curious and anxious about going to another lesson than usual. I don't feel like I have a reason to be anxious, rationally, but then again, anxiousness isn't really all about being rational. I am thinking of applying eating rules to my life. I don't like rules, makes me feel weak to need them and not have the mental capacity to make good healthy decisions without them. But I noticed a stern pattern of not making good healthy eating decisions after dinner, which causes most of my overeating/eating when not hungry. If I want to keep losing weight, this cannot stay in my life. Well you know what, let's call it a commitment instead of rule. Sounds way better already. I am hereby committed to: -Stop eating dinner when I feel full. Really bad at this one. Learned to empty my plate at dinner as a kid, apparently feel very strongly about it. -Not immediately eat something additionally after dinner if I don't feel full. My feeling-full is slow as fuck to process at times. So better give it time. -Evaluate hungry feelings at ~20:00 ~20:30 (much after dinner anyhow). If I do feel hungry, fruit or bread with peanut butter will have to do. If I don't feel hungry for those, I am not really hungry. The gym and workout commitment were good this week. Cycling I'll pick up again when the weather is better. This week I went walking a lot instead, not mad at that. So perhaps replace cycling with a walking commitment until the weather clears again.

Thank you!

Welcome back!

Second day of my holiday and I am all out of activities. Didn't plan for this dreary a weather. Rain and hail every half hour a.k.a. November. Bah. However, I have made plans together with hubby for the rest of the week. I also spend some time on arranging a joint present for Dads upcoming birthday. So proactive, much wow. And I have set my eyes upon two DIY projects to spend my time on this week. Inside. Where the rain and hail and snow are not at. Besides that, and mainly because of hubby's encouragement and also boredom, I worked out today and cooked instead of ordering pizza. I am, however, not sure about all the practicalities surrounding workouts and I do need to get more specific about my goals. Doing a work-out two days in a row felt quite tough. But the energy I got back from it is certainly worthwhile. But does my body needs rest in between? I have a lot of questions in my head that are sort-of bugging me. Do I need to alternate routines? What muscles do I need to train? What muscles do I want anyway? Will they eventually show? How much weight do I want to loose? How do I loose fat on specific areas of the body? And mostly while exercising: am I doing this right? What's bugging me most right now is that I mostly lost boob fat. And the belly fat et co is still all/mostly there. So there's a bit of a disproportion situation going on. And a slight identity crisis. I didn't know my boobsize was such an integral part of my identity, but I guess it is. I have big tits, therefore I am. On the positive side: my neck is not mad at the smaller boob situation. And it serves as excellent motivation to push through until it's balanced again. However, all-in all, I am still so happy. Beside weigh loss, energy and happy moods (it almost feels aggressively happy by lack of better words), I also feel more self-confident. I didn't realize I felt so insecure all of this time, but it seems so obvious now. I am just very proud of what my body can accomplish and just knowing I am working on it makes me feel more embracing of it's flaws. So, all that talk. How about those specific goals then eh: Weight With 1.69cm and 63kg I have a BMI of 22. That's healthy, but I am yet a bit too fluffy for my liking. I want to weigh 60kg. That's doable. And I want to reach it by.. …..A specific date that I will now choose at random because I don't know how losing fat and gaining muscle will work together nor how easy losing fat will stay…… the end of January. Gym I will go to the gym for a one hour lesson every week. If I am prevented to join the Thursday evening lesson, I'll make sure to attend the Tuesday or Wednesday lesson. Workouts I will workout at least twice a week for 25 minutes. I might upgrade this to three times a week at some point, but I want to be consistent with twice a week first. Cycling Well. See, it's been going smooth this cycling goal of mine. But, err, it literally has not been dry long enough the entire weekend to go for a ride. Cycling in rain/hail with cold temperatures is just plain un-fun with a real hazard of colds. So yea, maybe I am just weak, maybe making sure the activity stays fun enough is the sensible thing to do.

I am in awe that in spite of doubting yourself heavily at times, you still keep going and kept going to the gym and all. That's fucking awesome man!

Thank you, I love this. It's a bit off however. But good motivation to translate myself anyway: I still feel great. And comfortable. Maybe a little too comfortable from time to time. I consume a lot, but don't create anything at the moment. I don't even know if I am ready to create anything yet and then still the question remains: what to create? There's a thousand options, and I don't have a preference right now. Well... I am not creating nothing at all. I am shaping my body. It is a fantastic experience. I have loads of energy, lost weight and am able to do knee-push-ups now. Integrating sport into my life requires some planning, something that failed a bit this week. (The Dutch expression says: to fall/walk into the soup. Doesn't translate well literally xD) But I am starting to get good in setting myself up for success (literally translated: setting traps for myself). Leaving my exercise clothes together with a passive-aggressive note with motivation ready for when I return home, and I am so ready for that work-out. I need to prepare the same success for next week, when I have a holiday week with hubby. Normally it would be a binge-fest. But that really seems like a waste of my time and not nearly as satisfactory as doing shit.

Note: my english is broken today, so fuck it. Native language ftw. Ik voel me nog steeds geweldig. En comfortabel. Misschien een beetje te comfortabel af en toe. Ik consumeer veel, maar creëer op dit moment niets. Ik weet ook niet of ik er al aan toe ben om weer iets te maken en dan is er nog de vraag: wat dan? Alles kan, en ik heb op dit moment geen voorkeur. Nou ja, ik maak niet helemaal niets. Ik ben mijn lichaam aan het vormen natuurlijk. Het blijft een fantastische ervaring. Ik heb bergen energie, ben afgevallen en ik ben nu in staat op halve push-ups te doen. Sporten integreren in mijn leven vergt wel wat planning, iets wat helaas een beetje in de soep is gelopen deze week. Maar ik wordt redelijk goed in mezelf 'in de val lokken'. 's Ochtends sportkleding klaarleggen met een klein passief-agressief briefje ter motivatie en ik heb vet veel zin in die work-out. Hetzelfde moet ik nog voorbereiden voor volgende week, als ik samen met hubby een weekje vakantie heb. Normaal gesproken zou dat neerkomen op een binge fest. Maar dat lijkt me zonde van mijn tijd en eerlijk gezegd ook langer niet zo bevredigend als er op uit gaan.

Thank you! <3

Didn't fall yet. Ehhhhh. This is spectacular; I am happy for such a long period of time. Brilliant. Brilliant! I am also happy to workout to prepare myself for boxing. I feel like I've discovered what everyone was talking about yet I never quite grasped myself. Like a 'aha!' lightbulb thing. It's like having cake and eating it too. I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY. I am adjusting what to do with all that energy and happiness. My current goal for boxing is to be able to work through the full 1 hour lesson full throttle. Which means I need to work up to: 10 minutes rope skipping 10 minutes of running combined with mostly push-ups and sit-ups -let's say 50 push-ups and 50 sit-ups total (just to have a number to start with) 40 minutes of which ~20 minutes intense boxing I guess the key thing here is it has to stay fun. For example, I like something like 'hit left, hit right, sit-up, hit left, hit right, push up' a ton more then just plainly doing some sit-ups and push-ups. On a side note, the exercise pants I bought are the best thing ever. They are bright red and purple, and that's quite silly around here where everyone just sticks to blacks and greys and the weather lately is pretty much like that too. So during cycling, I see people staring for just a bit too long and a road worker actually yelled 'nice pants' at me. Not sure if he meant it as a compliment, but I'll take it so. These pants, they are a keeper. My cycling goal I have been working on steadily. I now have completed ~130km of the 300km I 'need' to go trampoline bouncing. On the subject of cake though, I am the worst goal multi-tasker. Did I refrain from eating sugar? Nopes. Nopity nope. Ate the world again. Still didn't think of a specific goal/reward either (which is key!). Feel at a loss for that. Rewarding myself with food for not eating it is not really giving the right message to myself. I am thinking of something fancy like a thai massage or I don't know, but I can't keep throwing money everywhere like that just to motivate myself. I am however making tomato soup for the third time this weekend. I enjoy doing it and feel motivated somehow to make a good tomato soup. I've also have a plan for diner for the entire week which will be healthy af (IF I FUCKING STICK TO IT), so there's a fair bit of planning going on that will prevent a lot of sugars from being eaten this week. Aaaaaand on the subject of money; we just bought our first car. I've never been so happy and excited about a car my entire life. So independent, much freedom. YES.

I feel on top of the world. Let's fall of ~gently~ this time around. I can't get over my enthusiasm to return to the gym and prepare for it in the meanwhile. I've shopped for exercise clothes, went cycling and walking to reduce my sore calf (didn't work much though), spontaneously worked out yesterday (started with dancing, decided to pick up weights and got intense somewhere in the progress) and I just want it to be Thursday *already*. I also couldn't descend stairs during the entire weekend without taking half a day and an 'ow' with each step. (Hubby picked stuff up for me I forgot either up or downstairs. Which was awesome.) I am wondering how many weekends I will be 'crippled' like that and if it'll temper my high spirits. We'll see. There's also a part in me starting to chicken out a bit returning to the gym. Mainly because of the social interaction due but also partially because of the muscles-still-hurting-don't-wanna-embarress-myself-by-falling-over-part. The latter part has still much ado with social interaction come to think of it... Eh. It's gonna be fine. I can always disappear real quick afterwards if I suddenly don't remember how to social interact and no harm done.

And… Damn. I ate everything my heart so desired last week. My heart clearly desires cardiac arrest. I am so fucking disappointing to myself. Bloody motherfocker. On the bright side. I told my co-workers I'd try boxing tonight. The immediate response was excitement and promises to ask tomorrow how it went. So in my mind there's two options now: 1: go boxing 2: never face my co-workers ever again So I'm leaving in about 5 minutes and I am scared as the little tiny hearted motherfucker I am. EDIT: Boxing was awesome and inspiring. Will go again. Even though I can't walk down a flight of stairs without looking like a baby giraffe right now, I don't care.

Gosh, I am talkative (typative??) today. I didn't stay bad sugars free. But I didn't binge either and made effort to enjoy every bite of it. Small steps. I am ready to say nay again. I've noticed that a lot of my replacements contain a huge amount of salt instead. So I am trying to limit salt in cooking dinner, while keeping the main focus on sugar throughout the rest of the day. I've tried making soup from scratch last weekend, it's pretty easy actually. This weekend I've mixed spices myself instead of using the pre made mixes (which are very high in salt, sugar or both). To my surprise, I am quite enjoying this. I've talked a lot with hubby this weekend, which was very enlightening. I hope to get better at finding out what's frustrating me in our relationship, because I was super fed up for at least two weeks straight before finally getting to the cause. It doesn't help we're in a very insecure place in life right now. I have a hard time dealing with it. The house we live in might have a buyer, but hubby's job is just on it's end and my job is temporarily. We have no clue where hubby's next job will be and so we also don't know where to look for a home. And if we know where hubby will have a job, there's the whole dilemma of buying (much cheaper monthly, but you're kinda stuck for at least 5 years) versus renting (very expensive, very difficult market especially as a pet owner, but you're not stuck). We'll see how this all unravels. It feels silly worrying so much, considering how little influence I have over the matter. But I haven't figured out a way yet how to stop. While talking with hubby, we once again were discussing how nice it would be to exercise together. We went cycling together yesterday, and although that's nice, something more exhausting would be good for the both of us. Hubby proposed self-defense lessons (Krav Maga). I've been thinking about self-defense a while; thinking how absolutely hopeless I would be in a crisis situation. Ever after a young women was raped and nearly killed on a road I regularly cycle on, I've been feeling much, much less secure. Lately I find myself returning to my laptop, only to find I have really nothing to do. The need to binge on youtube seems to only come once in a while, but I've been detesting it more and more. Instead I've been going for walks and jigsaw puzzling. I am also looking for another novel to buy, really enjoyed the last one. One day I'll have all my shit together.

Congratulations with your son!

I have the mind of a child sometimes. So, I decided to create a more concrete reward for exercising in the form of going to a trampoline park. In can go when I have 300 km in total, cycling to work counts 0.25x, and in the weekend the minimum is 10 km in one go. Guess who felt super into cycling this Saturday morning at 7:30? WOOO. I wonder what I'll do if I promise myself unicorn socks or a day at a roller-coaster park. I will achieve great things. I also tried to mind my eating this week. Now I got work going I am up for a challenge to improve myself again. My main focus is added sugars right now, because I tend to overeat on sweet stuff and I also seem to get more hungry after eating those. The great thing of just focusing on sugars, is that it's way more manageable then focusing on everything at one go. I still feel compelled to also take into account all other things related to healthy eating; but I am not going to do that right now. I learned from last times it makes me overwhelmed and demotivated. There's enough things I want to change while only taking sugar into account. So there we go. Another 'I'll to X, Y and Z' post. I am a tad sceptical of myself. Let's prove me wrong.

Good going, keep it up! I would definitely bring it up. Of course she doesn't need to stop gaming if it's a healthy habit for her, but talking about it with passion really puts you in a vulnerable spot while quitting. I was lucky my hubby had different favourite games then me and didn't talk about it much, but I can't imagine it having any good effect on me when I just quit. Sharing a little less about it (for now) is not too much to ask I hope. Better yet, I'm sure there's also lot's of other things to talk about besides games and other activities to fill the evening with together. I played a lot of games together with my husband; now we just play one game every once in a while (not recommended at when just quitting :)), play board games, go out for walks, talk over dinner, watch a movie, etc. You could propose doing other things together instead of gaming.

Welkom! I recommend reading some of the other journals here. Not only great against boredom, but it can give you an idea of what some other people have experienced while quitting and what you can perhaps expect for yourself. And also how people bettered themselves after quitting games. There's gonna be boredom at the start for sure, your brain is used to hyper stimulation and is not happy to quit. That's also why I would go cold turkey if I were you, so you can let your brain detox. I can recommend watching Cams video's, he basically made a video for every question you can think of regarding quitting games and getting purpose in life. Good luck!

I am almost completely used to having both work and the household to care off. The only thing going really haywire is cooking; because I apparently suck at cooking when I'm a bit tired. Gonna master mac 'n cheese now I guess Eating and living healthy seem to be a great challenge anyway. I've been thinking about that a lot the past few days, guilt tripping over my eating habits mostly. I need to find a way to make it work, but I'm tired of saying 'I'll do X, Y and Z!' and then find a plethora of excuses to not do it. As always, I'd rather do nothing at all and/or not try at all then have another failed attempt and having to admit defeat. Focusing on the long term rewards instead of the instant gratification and/or temporary difficulty seems to be really not happening when it comes to this area of my life. If only I could translate this head full of knowledge to proper motivation though.. Work has been great. While ordering the papers, my mind is also ordered. And I got the first pay check. Yey! Personal life on the other hand has been a wild ride lately. On the topic of gaming, that's going great. I've been playing one game that's basically fine with me. I doesn't have any of the characteristics of the games I used to play (It's not competitive, doesn't have fancy lore to fantasize about, there are no characters to identify with and doesn't have endless content/learning curve). I am thinking that perhaps there might be other hobbies out there that I find more fulfilling, but I find things comfortable as they are now. I noticed I did write in my last journal the lack of other hobbies bothered me, but I've had a lot of social things in the weekends thereafter so I guess there's simply been less time to notice having few hobbies. I did found myself slightly nostalgic for one of my toxic games this week, which threw me of for a moment because it was so out of the blue, but I have rebuild my mental defenses.

[INSERT DUTCH ENTHUSIASM], you know, a slight smile or somethin' C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S ! There was a 'Yea!' at the end, and use of CAPS, mind you --- Two weeks in, I like my job and my job likes me back. They are willing to invest in a archive training that I'll follow together with a co-worker. Which is kinda wild for the company, considering I am only two weeks in. I am as excited about the training as I am about their trust in me. I feel like this sort of job matches what I am naturally good at much more then my design study. Liking my job made me ponder about what I believe makes me happy. And what actually makes me happy. And that those two do not align. And that what I like certainly doesn't align with that society thinks is exciting and worthwhile. I like stacking and sorting building permits (and the small bureaucratic drama's therein) over creating a brand and working with typography. It feels a bit like I am throwing my six years of study struggle under the bus, but I know that's not true. I wouldn't be who I am and where I am now without it. Being honest, I totally forgot and later ignored my previous set 30 day goals. I don't mind too much. Easing of the alcohol has been a good experience though. My brain is such a well working machine without it. Additionally, my job requires me to go outside and bike 5 out of 7 days each week, and that's nice also. I have been gaming in the weekend, together with hubby mostly. And I am bored with it right now. (And I am proud that I got bored) I still haven't got many hobby's though, this is an ongoing problem. I do like doing jobs around the house; our freshly painted bedroom walls are a continued source of contentness and fixing the blinds made me feel quite independent. So more of that in the weekends surely is a good investment of time. All-in all, the past two weeks I have been really content so I am going to keep doing what I am doing right now.

Bam. I got a job starting next monday. (and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with my study xD) That means structure (SWEET SWEET STRUCTURE!), money to pay study debt and save for other things, a reason to look presentable (and this I know makes me happy and more confident, but prettying yourself up if you're just gonna stay home all day is just not something I do), some room to safely spend money on some fun activities together with hubby, social connections and most of all, it means not going into mental crisis by feeling totally and utterly useless at home. It also means way less time for my personal goals, and the hours are a bit more then I bargained for (but it was all or nothing), but I know I can make it work. Yea!

I turned the desperate job down. I'm not desperate enough for such a job yet. I didn't really word that part well during the interview, but I thought of a better answer for future jobs that are not meant for me; 'looking for an opportunity that fits my personal skills better', or something along those lines. I did say something like that, but in a way that sounded very unprofessional.. I am however, determined to rock Fridays job interview; that's a job I actually want. I've done all the research I can into the company, the biggest factor now is staying calm yet enthusiastic while there and choosing my words wisely. I am beginning to see that you can give a positive spin to many things by using the right words. 'This isn't what I studied for, but I have learned many things during my study that can benefit me in this job. For example.....' sounds way better then saying something like 'wrong study' or 'not what I wanted after all'. I also forgot how much energy job interviews take. I feel trashed. Painting all day: I am good. Job interview of 30 mins, I am done for the rest of the day. I still have a lot of painting scheduled for today.. I'll take it slow.

Lost myself again in the weekend. I however have plans for this week so I am back on track. I prepared our bedroom for painting today, the rest of the week I can be busy with painting and more painting. I also got two job interviews this week, so that's a big positive. Especially the interview on Friday is important; that job would be really great. The other job really is… desperate. However, I reacted well to the unexpected call from the recruiter and used the right amount of bluff. Or.. Righter amount of bluff then I usually do. Which feels to me like an excessive amount of bluff, but it seemed to work great.

I haven't written it in my journal, but this week has been acknowledging-myself-week. I might add some in my journal when I feel really awesome --- This week has been dragging on. It should be summer but it's really autumn in disguise. My Smidtii plant is really not digging the lack of sun. Neither am I. Lack of sunshine or not, I have been productive this week. Yesterday I solved the first fCC basic algorithm challenge, and it made me feel so smart and proud. It is starting to make sense and I am still finding it interesting and fun in it's way. That really means something to me; normally when new things get tricky (and the learning process slower and less instant rewarding) I am much more of a quitter. Now I feel motivated to learn more. I have been pretty productive except for the most important thing right now…. applying for jobs. So I forced myself to send out a e-mail this morning, so at least one application is pending now. I expect a call with a rejection later today from another application. Sigh. It will get easier if I have some different e-mails written, then it'll just be more of a copy, paste and slightly rephrase instead of actually constructing and finding six different words that mean the same but sound better. Meanwhile the idea of an paid traineeship with terrible contract is starting to sound alluring. I know it's a shitty contract, because hubby has one. But it does mean work and pay, even if you're chained to a ball for about three years and you don't get no say in where you'll get a job. And learning to code from home will only get me so far. But I am also afraid of choosing the wrong thing again. Last, but cer-tain-ly not least: I am going to the gym somewhere next week. I applied for a 'try one day for free' thing and you have to use it within 7 days (not that I knew that before applying :)). So that's some nice pressure to actually go. --- Also, this is totally me at times:

Welcome Learning another language and working out are great goals; keeps you busy both mentally and physically. Keep it up! You will feel better!

Self reflection time. It's been a while. All my complaining about being up and down, and I am sure I have thought about it before, but complaining is not getting me anywhere. It does prove I am very Dutch, don't we love to complain. Let's complain about Dutch people complaining. Speaking about being Dutch, I was thinking about a Dutch way of saying something which is starting to bother me. When something new is launched, a company opens a new building, or some similar event of achieving something, sometimes the phrase 'met gepaste trots' (google translate: With appropriate pride) is used. We're not even very proud we done something, we're as proud as our achievements are big. It felt a bit depressing in a 'don't you dare to be proud of something small' kind of way. Of course achieving something big gives a greater sense of having achieved something and all the appropriate feelings, but why not honour the small things too? Why is it inappropriate to be happy about achieving small personal goals? I am not sure if I am very Dutch in this matter, I can be extremely proud of small things. But I won't talk about it that way. On this forum I might post my extreme proudness of keeping the easiest plants on the planet alive and other things of similar greatness. Irl this would seem rather silly. >What have you achieved lately? <Kept me plants alive. Yea. *nodding* They're super easy to keep alive and I did it. I am pretty amazing. I know. >*confusion* Just as feeling proud, feeling happy with myself is still proving difficult. I wrote about this before. I need some more self-love. What I am doing now is the equivalent of shooting myself in the foot and then complaining how I never walk in a fast pace and keep falling to my face. I need some foundation here.

Thanks for being such an awesome support!