Regular Robert

@Cam Adair I agree! Also, I like the fact, that the translation keeps my mind working. It is a nice task for an hour a day. Day 80 Short summary: Sometimes, when you think everything is just fine, bad stuff hits you from behind! Let's keep it short here: I have the flu and a herniated disc. I can barely cough because my back hurts whenever I move. That sucks. It kind of does. But on the other hand, I have been through worse. Though, it keeps me from being truly productive. The rest of my life is ... fine. I launched my website and such. It is far from finished, but for me this is a work in progress thingy. If anybody does like to check it out, you can find it on http://robertarctor.com Oh, I forgot to mention: It is in German. I am grateful for: My chosen family. That involves my girlfriend and my dog. The GQ community. I love you weird internet people. (: Generally being in good health. Not like right now, but yeah ... in general. What went well today: I worked on my writing stuff. I took a shower even though I can barely move. Witness the fitness: No fitness program while being sick. What I could have done to make my day better: The day was fine for what it was worth. Weekly goals and progress: Additional blog posts [0/1] Completion of the e-book "Der Schirm" [0/1] Completion of the chapters [4/6] Cooked dinners / Prepared meals [1/3] Learn a new recipe [1/1] Learned "Indonesian chili-peanut sauce" Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [0/15] It is not a real goal, but I wish to get better soon. Monthly goals and progress: Create 4 audio files for the YouTube channel [0/4] Write 4 new scripts for new content [1/4] Paint the notebook [0/1] Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1] Translated pages [15/68] Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3] Photo appendix Indonesian chili-peanut sauce with ginger, onions, garlic, crushed peanuts, lemon juice, coconut milk

Oh matey, I hope you get well rather sooner than later. Everybody in my local surroundings is currently sick with the flu and I am having a hard time to not get sick as well. Hang in there and don't forget vitamins.

Honestly, I can understand what you do. If everything suddenly starts to go well and you have a lot of positive feelings, that can be pretty overwhelming. And sometimes positive emotions need a valve as well. But if you do play, try to watch how you feel and what happens inside of you. If it drains the positivity out of your mind and leaves you with a numbness, that could be pretty destructive for you again. Numbness is probably what your mind desires at the peak of emotions, but that is not what you desire. If you use the games to relax and to calm down, watch the process. See what it does or does not to you. And if it turns out to be contra-productive again, find some other activities that have a relaxing effect. You have it under control.

Day 75Appendix Appendix: I realized something again. Whenever I get euphoric about something, you know the feeling, when you suddenly generate a lot of energy because something inspired you, I tend to distract myself. I tend to watch something, smoke a cigarette or eat something until I am calm again. In addition to being calm, I waste all that energy instead of investing it into a current work project or anything of that nature. I believe, that this is something I should improve. Whenever I generate energy, I should find a way to use this energy. Not sure how I will do this, but it sure is a goal of the future.

Okay, I will slightly change my journal format. Most people use the template that is offered in the pinned thread and I will most likely do the same now. It will be easier to keep a daily journal and I believe that I should post daily, otherwise my progress might get lost in my mind. Day 75 Short summary: I feel better. I felt really sick lately. Obstipation is the keyword here. And I flooded the pipes yesterday. That is why I do not feel too great. But aside from that, things are going well. I am working on my website and my content and will most likely launch it on Monday. I have to oppress my perfectionism to get somewhere, but it looks like it works. My girlfriend is sick with the flu. That is not too bad either, since she likes to be sick once a year. Seems to be some kind of health ritual. All I hope is that I don't catch the flu as well, because that would only hinder my progress. Also, this is a new year we are in now. I does feel the same to me, but at the same time, I know that the seasons will start all over again now. I like that. Reset, new circle. And every circle is different. Damn my throat feels scratchy. Tonight, we will have sushi for dinner. I love sushi. I love making it, going crazy with the fillings and eating it. Tonight, we will order sushi, so no additional work for me. That's fine for me. You know, I had a time in my life when I ordered like 3 times a week. Because cooking was distracting me from playing. Now, I actually look forward to ordering something to eat. It becomes a special event and I feel so grateful for not having to prepare and clean up afterwards. If you enjoy stuff on really rare events, that makes them extremely special. My little studio keeps growing. I think I found my second passion, aside from writing: Audio. Audio stuff. Creating audio files, recording audio-books and such. I love it. Never knew I would. On another note, I offered to help Cam with the translation of his files and scripts. I really enjoy doing that, because it somewhat is challenging and keeps me thinking. Also, it tires me, which is good since I always have trouble sleeping. It also makes me want to learn an additional language. Like Spanish. Un cafe sin leche, por favor. Leche and I do not get along well. I am grateful for: My relationship. I am not alone in this world. I can share my thoughts and my feelings with another human.My dog. Love that creature.This community. Self-explanatory, right? People in here are simply awesome.Still being alive. There was a time when the advancement of my life was on knifes edge.Being in a secure financial status. Lord knows, there were different times.What went well today: I upgraded my little studio. The bookshelf might crumble tonight, though.The sun is shining. So the morning walk with the dog was nice even though it was cold as #$§!.The obstipation seems to be gone. Phew.Witness the fitness: Workout / Running [1/1] WorkoutWhat I could have done to make my day better: I still need to tidy up and do the dishes. A clean apartment causes a clean mind and vice versa.Aside from that, the day is going quite well.Weekly goals and progress: Website ready to launch [0/1]Additional blog posts [0/2]Portrait for the "author" page [0/2]Completion of the e-book "Der Schirm" [0/1]Completion of the chapters [3/6]Cooked dinners / Prepared meals [1/3]Learn a new recipe [0/1]Complete 15 translated pages of the "Respawn" script [9/15]Edit and translate the cover image [1/1]Train at least 3 times a week [0/3]Monthly goals and progress: Create 4 audio files for the YouTube channel [0/4]Write 4 new scripts for new content [0/4]Paint the notebook [0/1]Translate the entire "Respawn" script [0/1]Translated pages [9/68]Spend 3 days in the city among the regular people [0/3] I will get used to this new system and will probably expand it a little. I feel like something important is missing.

Another note on the energy thingy: You noticed that masturbation releases a lot of energy that could turn into stress if there is no valve to vent it. However, you will also realize, that after releasing this energy, you have less drive to do stuff. Satisfaction, gratification can actually kill motivation. So if you do it, try to keep an eye on why you do it and what happens afterwards. If you notice that you tend to become "lazy", expand the time between the events.

Sometimes being in a bad mood can generate tons of energy! Use it.

Welcome Alan! I think you have set up a fine goal. In general it seems that you are seeking for purpose. So, kudos for making the step to introduce yourself to the community. I think you are in good company here.

Just a suggestion: Remove the word "crappy" from your video. Just for the mindset. I would say the fact that you sat down and made a video shows that you do stuff and that is not crappy in my opinion. If it is easier for you to work on such things when you categorize them as "not so great / important", than of course, go on using this technique. I just thought I might point out that I don't believe it is crappy, considering that all you have is a basic webcam, a microphone and an idea. If you compare it to "other YouTubers" and think it is crappy because their videos look better and all that fancy stuff, than that is not a fair comparison. That is like comparing a note on a piece of paper to a play of Shakespeare, right? Also, if you add value to what you do, it will be easier and way more natural for the viewer to experience that value. If it is crap, why should anybody watch it in the first place, eh? Eeeh? Also, I liked it and subscribed.

Thank you, Cam. Day 67: Just a short one on the diary part: I had a nice day. It started off strangely, with my girlfriend having the day off, laying in bed until noon and crying afterwards. I did my best to be there for her, though we did not know what caused this mood. While walking the dog, a car came to stop next to me. The driver asked me for direction, but I did not know the street he was looking for. But he mentioned that he is searching for a particular Mazda MX5 shop and I knew where that one was. But it was too much to explain the whole way to him. So I asked him if it would be okay for him, if I'd just hop in and navigate him to the place. I think, he was so... surprised by what I asked, that he did not say no. He said "Yeah, sure. If that is not too far from your home". I told him, that it will be okay, since I was walking the dog and I don't mind to add a couple of miles. I should mention, that I was in front of my house, when he asked me. The walky-walky with the doggy-doggy was already done, but I was in a good mood. So, he drove, the dog slept on the backseat and we talked. Two perfect strangers talked. And we did not really talk BS, we talked like people. You know, I always thought that if two people are together in a car and they drive, there is this special connections between them. Like, being locked in a small, but comfy room, making progress together. Flying through the air. It was nice. It was really nice. After that, we both smiled and I walked homeward. The most interesting part though: I suffer from severe social anxieties and my dog usually barks at ... everybody on this planet. The dog did not bark, she was happy and just jumped into the car as if it was a good friend of us. The same goes for me. I just jumped in and talked to a person I have never met before. Due to health issues, he had to give up riding his motorcycle and he promised to give him BMW to his son, that's why he bought a MX5 and wanted it to be modified to his needs. That is no BS talk. I really liked it. After that, I tried to support my girlfriend even further. I bought her a donut at the bakery. Not sure why, but she always likes them. The ones for kids. These colorful little sugar bombs. Aaaaafter quite a while, her mood brightened up and we went to the city. I bought some new clothes, we had a meal at a Chinese restaurant where all the tables were sticky and we bought some hygiene stuff. It was like ... after 4 hours in the city that I got my first anxiety episode. But it wasn't too horrible. I just had to gently tell her that we gotta leave in the near future. Usually, my anxieties would start the moment the bus opens its doors. This time, it went real smooth. That is actual progress. I remember when I was gaming all day, my anxieties were at their peak. The reason for that was usually pretty simple. While gaming I did not feel like any negative emotion, when I suddenly stopped, all the negative emotions came back at the same time, thus making it close to impossible for me to go outside. Well, so much text already. The reason why I started this text today in the first place was that I was thinking about something a lot. Monday, a friend of mine will come to visit me. The reason is that we are planning to create a tiny video. Well, he creates it and he needs somebody to act. I am not an actor but I am the only one willing to do it, so I am in. And the first time we talked about it was 4 weeks ago. Until this day, we do not have a script. It will be all new, without clear direction, without a clear goal. And I thought, this will be a great lecture, because we will most likely fail. Horribly. I am a positive thinker but if you do not have a goal, how are you going to achieve anything? But, even if we fail, we will learn a lot from it. So today and last night, I had to think about an interview with Akira Kurosawa (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-McmgQbee0). In this interview, he talks about young aspiring filmmakers, but I felt like he was talking about a great part of my and the following generations. We all want to to or be something, but we want to start and immediately be at the end. Start, finish, victory. Rings a bell? Instant gratification. The part in between is nothing but work. Possibly pretty annoying, sometimes really frustrating work. I had to think about many people I met. Or people that my girlfriend met. I heard many people say "I would love to do this or that" or "live this life or pursue this goal". But they all said it in this melancholic, blue way. "Oh, if I could do this" or "Oh, if that was my life... I would be so happy". But what keeps them from pursuing their dreams? The tedious, horrible part in the middle. Many people do not fail in the beginning or in the end, but in the middle part. "The tedious part of writing has to become second nature to you". Strike the "writing" and insert anything and it will still be true. If you want to get anywhere, you have to learn to adapt to routines. To boring work. A good smith will have to craft lots and lots of bad hatchets until his arms are strong and he becomes a master. When I look at my generation, I often believe that many of us are quitters. (Funny, since this is an actual quitters forum) But we quit the wrong stuff. Many of my generation rather live a life that is not their own instead of doing something that will hurt, annoy them, kick them to the ground and beat them and afterwards love them forever. Many of my generation prefer meaningless non-progress over meaningful hard work. Well, lamenting much? I know, I can be a real party pooper sometimes, but I usually want to accentuate the positive. And I will still do that. Because, understanding that between the initial euphoria and the satisfying, glorious end is a horrible path of tedious work is good. It is good to understand how things work. And for me, understanding this pattern means, I will have to add more horrible stuff to my schedule. I will do stuff, that I do not like to do at all. Instead of making an excuse, I will make an approach until I can say "Well, I truly hated doing this but now I think, it is not that bad after all". Well, that's it for today. Until next time ...

Also, I do not know if the following works for you but: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/mobile-phones/9800299/How-to-turn-off-in-app-purchases.html If there is a way to turn off micro-transactions, you should give it a try. Sometimes it is necessary to force ourselves not to do something in order to be able to overcome the urge. On another note: I do not know how old you are, but you could ask your parents to support you. For example, every time you feel the urge to open the game and invest money, talk to them. Or to your girlfriend or to a supportive friend. In addition, since you suffer from ADHD, take a closer look at your nutrition. What do you eat and what do you drink? This can be quite important for people without ADHD as well. For example, sugar will have a massive effect on your focus, concentration, energy and anxieties. If you tend to drink strongly sugared soft-drinks or eat a lot of candy, cake, etc. you will have constant ups and downs in your mood and mind. If you can, try to find a healthy balance when it comes to nutrition. And now the final topic: You say you get bored easily. There is one important thing to that: Many things in life are boring. And if you pick it up and it gets boring, it will always be boring to you and it will quickly be boring to you. But if you train your brain, just like you train a muscle, you can make many tasks in life less boring. How do you train your brain? By doing. If you do something, like tidying your living room, or working on a homework or whatever it may be, and it gets boring, do NOT quit. This is the most important thing. If it does get boring, do NOT quit. Go on doing it. At some point, the boredom will pass and it will either be alright for you or you just won't care. No matter what you do, do not quit when things get boring. I said that this is important and it is. Because when you adapt the behavior of quitting when bored, you will pick up many things and will drop many things. There will not be steady progress in your life. Just ups, downs, ups, downs and so on. If you get bored, go on. For as long as possible or if possible, until your task is done. This is the only way to train your brain. The same counts for your anxieties. If you get anxious, by all means, move. Do not freeze. Do something. If you are anxious about an upcoming task, dive right in. Count the minutes that you are holding your ground if necessary. Chances are you stopped reading after the first sentence. Chances are you did not read this paragraph at all. But if you read until this point, there is a last thing I want to tell you: Why I am telling you all this. The reason is this: If you are unable to find activities, that can either mean you do not try, or you don't get to the point where an activity is interesting. Like I said, any activity can become satisfying. Any. Even if you don't like it, you can train yourself to push through it and afterwards you will get the reward when you see that you have done it. Try to push yourself a little. Expand. And do the boring stuff. Trust me, you will not regret it. Life is tedious and exhausting but if you quit at that point, everything will be a tedium. If you push onward, you will reach the point where the tedious stuff pays off in satisfaction.

"Krieger" [pronounced like "cree-ger"] - Warrior "endlos" [ant-lows] - infinite "Opus" [oh-puss] or "Werk" [wehrk] - Opus / work / piece of work (in art and craftsmanship) "Des Kriegers endloses Werk" or more poetical: "Des Kriegers endlos' Werk" - "The warrior's infinite opus". If you want me to, I can record phrases for you; words or such, if you ever need something explained, translated or pronounced.

Day 62 - 66: It has been a nice time lately. Christmas was quiet and peaceful, the way I like it. No great parties, no big events. I visited my mother on Christmas Eve and spent the rest of the time at home with my dog and girlfriend. That was good. We made some cookies for Christmas and gave them to the neighbors we know and like. They were grateful and liked it. That is another thing: Life is good, lately. I have some minor issues like my troubled sleep but in general, life is good. And that is a great thing to witness. I mean to actually witness, to notice that. My studio keeps growing, I can work on my projects on a daily basis, I get better at cooking. So many good things I am finally able to see. Back in the days, my mind was numbed; I was in the mist, not being able to take into account what is happening. Neither good, nor bad. But both feelings are great. The apartment looks great lately. I moved some pieces of furniture and I still keep doing that to find a good ... vibe. My neighbors are not home and haven't been for at least 5 days now. So it is peaceful and oh so calm. I paid for my own domain today. Now I have to wait for it to unlock and when it does, I will work on my website. I am looking forward to doing so, since every tiny step I make is a step into the direction I want to head. There isn't really much to say today. Everything is in a big change right now. I mean, of course. One big change is quite obvious. We are on the brink of the new year. But it feels like the rest is changing as well. I talked to my mother in law and she seems to be my biggest fan right now. She really enjoys the little anecdotes, that I share on YouTube. You know, it might be obvious as well, but it is good to be surrounded by people who support you. I remember times when I was surrounded by people who actually held me back, pulled me down. I remember family fights and hatred and disgust. But now, my life seems to be filled with love, kindness and affection. I really enjoy this time of peace. One last thing I would like to mention though: I really like this community. In gaming communities, people share one interest: Games. Obviously. But here, this community is about much more. It is about compassion, respect, gratitude, acceptance, progress, change and all of that is based on a real thing. On one's life. Not part of a fictive world. I am really tired, so I struggle to find the right words, but I guess you guys know what I mean. Attached to this post: Cookies (Coconut and oat) and my dog named Hiroshima. She wore her Christmas dress. A fine lady.

So, I was wondering, what kind of cam does Cam use. And what kind of equipment does he use to film? The reasons shall stay in the shades, I am just wondering.

You know, back in the days when you played games, your actual feelings were suppressed. When I quit gaming, there were so many moments, when I wanted to cry. No sad talk, no drama, just a simple phrase could have triggered me. It still happens sometimes. I mean, when you actually "review" the person you were when you drowned in games, you will realize, there wasn't much human about this person. Even when I was gaming and people showed me broadcasts of tournaments, I would always say and wonder "these kids that are playing, they do not show any emotion, they are similar to the machine that they and operating". My gamer friends often got offended by this statement. I got called names. People said, I am like the "reapers" from "Mass Effect", demonizing every technology. But once you witness a person operating a computer, you will see that the emotions seem to be strange. Nietzsche wrote: "And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee." I feel the same goes for computers. If you operate the computer, the computer will operate you. Now, that you are free of this burden, your actual feelings arise. All those who were suppressed come up and want out. But don't worry, you will find a balance at some point. Right now, you are influenced by the withdrawal. Hang in there, you are not alone! Symptoms of the withdrawal as well. Also, actual feelings. When playing a game with your headphones on your ears, you blind out the entire world around you. Now, you have to perceive the world around you. And right now, you are still a little sensitive. This will also find its balance at some point. Just like Cam said, nourish your mind with positive things. Implement things that you like into your schedule. We are what we consume. If we consume a lot of negativity, we will become bitter. The same goes for the opposite. Do positive stuff, NOTICE positive things and your mind will be positive. When you catch yourself having unnecessary negative thoughts about somethings, reset and try again. This time, from a beneficial point of view. Also, implement a routine, like Cam said, where you can be grateful for what you have. Like, right now: Set a goal for tomorrow evening. It could look like "Reflect your local environment". Then, walk around in your living place and reflect what has changed. Like the floor. You said, it was messy. Now it is neat. Reflect that, witness it and be grateful for it. And give yourself credit for it. You made that! YOU made THAT! This is a product, a result, of your new way of life. Always try to remind yourself of the things that have changed for good. It is so easy to just sit there and think "everything is bad, I am bad, my place is bad". But when you compare it to the condition that you lived in before, you will see that you made progress. In not-so-modern times, people would pray and be grateful for the things they have. You don't need to pray, but you need to remind yourself of what is and what was. And then you will notice the sunshine in your mind.

Alright, Matthew. Let's begin like... somewhere. Also, I apologize in advance if my reply does not make much sense. It is pretty late but I felt the need to get involved. Probably, because I think you are a real nice guy. First of all, good work! I mean it. Getting this out in the open is the first step towards, how to put it... re-adjustment? Something like that. You know what I mean: Being able to live a quality life. So, kudos to you. Also, being open and honest like that is a great thing. Next, I would like to tell you that you are not a loser. But I won't. Because you already know that. All you gotta do is start to actually believe it. When I read your introduction post, you know "ello you cunts" and such, I noticed that I know this kind of behavior. It reminded me of myself when I was at your age. I had a similar father figure, by the way. Like you said, you lack self-security. Insulting people and keeping people at a distance is one way to feel secure. They never get close enough to actually harm or hurt you. You also explained the reason why you want to keep people at a distance: Because you are already hurt and you fear being hurt again. Your father did not manage to transfer a lot of security to you, so it is reasonable to distrust people and their deeds. But deep inside, you are a nice and loving person. So that's that. You also feel secure when you call yourself a "pussy", a "loser" or any name of that kind. As a loser or a pussy, there is not much you can do wrong. You do not have to dare anything. You do not have to show anything that people could judge. And when they judge you, you won't be hurt if they judge you to be a loser, because you already labeled yourself a loser. This is your current way of coping with your own insecurity. But rest assured, I believe you are not so special. In fact, many people do act like that and do not even know it. That you cried at your brothers funeral is a good thing and you should start to view it as a good thing. You lost your brother. That hurts. Its horrible. Life was pretty damn tough to you at that young age. Not caring about it was your way to cope with this situation. What else should you have done? There was no shelter, no safe place to mourn. Your parents did not deliver such safe place and you had to find a way to move forward. To survive. The reasons why you cannot develop an attachment to anybody probably all hide in your family situation. You did not learn to love or be loved. Although, we all learn a certain way of being loved. For me, that way was aggression, hatred and anger. My parents would always fight, when I was a kid. And afterwards, they would punish me for their issues. So, I learned that aggression is love. And boy, even though I grew up and learned a new way to love, I am still influenced by my childhood memories and experiences. The same will probably apply for you. You learned a certain destructive kind of love and you will have to invest hard work to "correct" this way into something more productive. So, a few suggestions on what you could try to get a little more quality in your life: First of all, your father. You said, you do not think that he is a bad person. That is good! And important. Because he is your father, no matter what he did or did not. Even when you are 30 or 40, he will still be your father and you will still have to deal with that fact somehow. So, since you do not hate him but cannot forgive him, you could instead try to understand him. And all I mean is to understand, not to support what he does or does not. Just to understand. He might have been depressed ever since he moved to the western world and never really had the strength to overcome this depression. His way of life might also be a simple way to cope with the fact that he isn't happy but feels to weak to change it. May be, he just reached his limits at some point. No matter what or why, he is that person and he will most likely stay that person. Second, I would say it might be useful to improve the situation at home. If your mothers boyfriend gets angry with you because he believes you are ungrateful and the result is that you feel insecure, that is an issue that should be dealt with. And the best way to deal with it would be honesty, I believe. If you ever get the chance to talk to your mother's boyfriend, do that. Tell him about why you act the way you do. Tell him, that it is nothing personal, but you are trying to deal with all that crap that happened. And if you do not feel brave enough to talk to him, that is the first thing you should say. Literally. "I would like to talk to you about an issue, but I do not feel brave enough". If he is a reasonable person, the conversation will carry itself. I suggest talking to him, because when people talk, people get the chance to understand. Understanding precludes arguments. Also, since you keep people at a distance, it would be good to practice opening up and getting people closer. Not like, anybody. But people you would determine worthy enough to be close to you. The next thing is a general thing: Fear. Determine what it is that you are afraid of. Not like, well ... spiders or something. But what causes you to feel insecure. Find out what triggers you. And when you know what triggers your insecurity, engage in that situation. If you are afraid of something, do it at least once. If you are still afraid of it, do it twice. If you are still afraid of it, do it four times. Do it until you are not afraid anymore. This is the only way to gain confidence and security. By testing and practicing your skills. Do you know those people who are always like "Can you do this or that for me, because I can't do it"? If you always find a way to avoid doing it, you will never gain the confidence to do it when you need to. So the first thing could be: Be nice. The next time your mind tells you to call people cunts or call yourself a loser, do not do it. Instead, find a different approach that is not destructive and does not reinforce your fears. After that, another thing is important: If it does go wrong, it does not mean it is wrong to do it. A single defeat is not a final defeat. Sometimes, things do not work out. But that does not mean that you shouldn't try. You are young and you never learned to overcome obstacles or conflicts. Now is the right time to learn it. So, go and talk to your father. Next time you see him, tell him that you would like to have more father-son time and less nuclear submarine talk. Just try it. What could go wrong? In addition, learn to boost your self-security. Whenever you tell yourself to procrastinate in any way, get right to the situation you tried to procrastinate. Dive right in. If you feel weak, get down, do push ups until your arms really do feel weak. A nice side effect is that this will cause your body to release testosterone, which has another nice side effect: You will feel strong and confident. Some kind of sport should be on your weekly schedule. And one last thing: If you can, try to see a therapist. It is not shameful to see a therapist. If you have to deal with depression on a regular basis, you should have somebody at your side that can actually guide you through it. Also, I believe that the death of your brother might still be an issue for you. It could even have traumatized you. So, if you can, just give it a try. In sum, I can only reinforce my statement that I believe you are a good guy. You seem to be intelligent and you have the precision to see what is wrong and verbalize it. So, you are way ahead of many other people who are unhappy and do not know why. And if strangers like me can see that you are one smart fellow, you should also be able to do so. Sorry for that huge wall of text. I thought it might be of help to you. If not, just ignore me. And now, go chase your dreams and grow and thrive while you do so.

Day 56 - 61: I have been quite lazy when it comes to writing journal entries. There are several reasons for that, which keep me thinking a lot, lately: a) When my girlfriend is around, I spend time with her. That is a good thing. But since we do not have much time during her work days, we spend like the entire day together. Until late at night, when she gets sleepy and heads off to bed. That is usually the time of day, that I begin to actually work. Don't get me wrong, I do work on my stuff during the day, but I have trouble focusing when there is much noise around me. And during the day, this house is really noisy. I like the evenings, the quiet, peaceful evenings. But after working on my stuff, my head is often to heavy on my shoulders to go on and get myself to write another journal entry. I often wonder how other people do it. Live in a relation, live together and work at home. I talked to a friend about this exact topic and he told me, working at home is nearly impossible. Creative work. When you are married and do not lock yourself up. I don't know if that is true but I often feel that it is. I mean, when I am at home, I often think about the stuff I should do at home. Stuff around the house. Cleaning this, washing that, sorting out this again, cooking, than cleaning the kitchen again and so on. When I am done, my girlfriend gets home and talks to me about her day. She often has a lot to tell. After that, I need at least one hour to re-calibrate, to find my balance again. Quick, massive input has to be digested first, before I can actually work on creative stuff again. So, yeah. If somebody has experience worth sharing in this particular field, tell me about it. Another reason is that I write a diary nowadays. And often, I feel like telling the same stuff again is kind of pointless. I don't know. It is a feeling. I would also like to change the format of my journal, I guess. Since on some days, I might only have two sentences to post, but I know there is more in the details. I think I will try to use a list based system in the future. So, now to the actual entry: Merry winter sale everybody. For those who were active on steam. I have to say, the sales often bored me in the past, but this time is does not touch me in any way. I even browsed through it just to see how I would feel. And everything on there looked the same to me. Nothing of interest. I believe, that is a good thing. On another note: I do tend to think about a certain game a little too often. I do not have real cravings, but I remember how much fun I had with a game called "Bookworm Adventures", where you would have letters just like in scrabble and you would form words with it. I liked it, I really did. And for some reason, it is on my mind. Not sure why. Another game that keeps popping up is Stardew Valley. But I know why. I found peace and relaxation in it and - and that is quite important - it is about gardening. I really love gardening and miss having one. Today I talked to my girlfriend about the possibility to move to her mother in the future. Not into her house but close. She lives right next to a lake and when she opens the curtains in the morning, all she sees is beautiful greenish land. When I look out my window, I see the other house on the other side of the road. And I see crowded traffic, heavy trucks on a dirty, filthy street. But what I hate the most is the freaking noise. Right now, during these holidays, I enjoy the silence the most. Because people stay at home and I can open my window without entering a world of traffic noise. I do think that traffic noise is not healthy at all, but that is only my opinion. So, moving to the countryside would be nice, I guess. Enough lamenting about things that I do not like. Accentuate the positive! Positive is that I visited my mother today. Since it's Christmas and such. We never had a good relation. In fact, when I was a kind, I prayed to god that he would either kill her or me. Dark times. But having that in mind, it is even greater that we now have a relation that is based on peace. It is a distant relation, but it works. And that's what counts, I believe. An old friend will visit me the day after tomorrow. That is a good thing as well. I like his company and we grew up together, so it's always nice to have him around. Oh, I did not even talk about the fact that I am on day 61 now. So, two thirds of the detox are already in the rearview mirror. It's strange how the feelings changed. In the beginning, I thought that it was hell and the cravings nearly drove me mad. I had a lot of stress, anxieties and anger in me. But now, everything seems to have found its balance. But, not everything is perfect, of course. I still find myself browsing amazon too much. Way too much. I feel that is is indeed some sort of compensation, just another drug. But this time, I know about it and can work on it to fix it. A good hint for anybody who struggles with goals during his or her detox: Do not set deadlines on goals that require money to be reached. I made some mistakes to set goals where I had to buy stuff to actually get the other stuff done. The basement, for example. It is a great place now, but my initial plan was to make it a fully usable workshop. Thus, I need some particular tools. It was a dumb idea to set a deadline on this goal. Instead, I should have separated it into two goals. One that only involves work, paired with a deadline. And one that involves financial investments, paired with a reeeeeally loose deadline or none at all. So, that's just a hint. I might post a photo of the basement next month. Another goal that I came up with is: A video clip. You know, when I finally reach day 90, I want to make a video, where I talk about my experiences and of course, thank Cam for all that he has done for me. Nothing less than changed my life, I would say. I thought, it might be a good idea to add a video, summing up the detox. That is my idea for now. I will see how it turns out. My website will be online in a few days, probably early January. I am looking forward to publish it. It includes publishing some of my minor works, which is quite new to me. Getting my stuff out there. I am really excited. So, that is ... it, for tonight. I hope everybody had a great Christmas Eve and a great time with his or her loved ones. Robert - out.

Merry Christmas to all of you, too.

Great progress so far! Glad that you picked up the quitting again. One suggestion though: Be gentle on your early goals. "Read books" kinda was one of my first goals as well. But early in the detox, I had to struggle with focusing a lot, since gaming was on my mind. So, low goals are easier to achieve in the beginning and grant experience and a feeling of success. So, instead of "Read books", set a daily or weekly goal like "Read 2 pages today" or "Read 20 pages a week". Same goes for the studies. This way you have 2 advantages: First, you will make easy progress even on days when you feel HORRIBLE. And second, you can actually measure your progress. If you wanted to read 2 pages a day and you actually got up to 6 pages, that is measurable progress. And when this is too easy, raise the stakes. But be gentle with yourself. Alright, you got it under control here.

"In darkness we shine the brightest." Not sure about the author of this phrase.

Oh and if you ever happen to have a question, an idea or anything you would want to share, just poke me in the side.

Sorry for burgling into your space once again. But I felt the need to reply. It is quite interesting, that we both share kind of the same experience. When I first got access to the internet, we had AOL as a provider as well. 1,9 pence per minute. I can still remember the bills and the anger in the eyes of my parents. Access to the internet was a special thing. And just like you, I would walk in circles until I could finally use the PC. Until I got my first own PC, but that is a different chapter. When it comes to writing, I am totally on your side. I would place myself in the hybrid section, too. You know, the only reason I began to blog and to make audio-files for YouTube was to get my name out there. I want my blog posts to matter and I confess: I am too much of a perfectionist most of the time. That is why my official blog will be published next month. Not today, not yesterday. Next month, because I want it all to make sense. And I want the first posts to be in order and to connect well. I have consumed some German writers who were in the series-business. I am trying it myself. But just like you, I am a harsh critic. Series are nice because you can publish on the fly. Got something done? Publish it. Your readers will always be busy reading your stuff and they will always remember your name. But on another note, series are a horrible medium to tell a story. I have tried it many times and did not publish anything, except for a tiny bit. And it was just the beginning of a short story. Why? Because things need to make sense. What if I start out with a certain situation and later on, I regret it because I had such a great idea that cannot be implemented. It has to make sense. And the stuff I read from some German amateur writers was mediocre and that is me being a gentleman. So many things did not add up. So many paths of the story weren't finished. Why? Because it is a series. Ideas come up and they evolve over time. My novels are proof to me. The initial idea looks entirely different from what they are half-way through. It is like wine. The older, the better. Okay, some might turn into vinegar, but that depends on the treatment. The same goes for novels. If you publish the first thing that is on your mind, there is a great chance that the quality is not that awesome. So, that is why I have chosen the hybrid way. I am trying to get my name out with my blog, podcast and short-stories, that will all be available for free online. May be some of them will cost a dime or two, but essentially, they are free. Meanwhile, I work on my "real" stuff. The novels. And they will be send to a publisher. Because they matter the most to me. Not sure if you can relate, but I want the novels to be highest quality. Ah, I am sure, you can relate. Did you ever have the idea of ... well ... "I want to publish a novel that will win the Pulitzer or something similar"? I do. In all honesty, I do. Because, IF I allow myself to take a year or two or even more to finish a novel, it shall be good wine. Also, for my blog, I am working on a series that is called "The Screen" ("Der Schirm" in German). I talk about my memories and me being a witness of change in technology. The Screen is everywhere now. So the topics are basically connections, entertainment, property and such things. Like, is that whole technology thingy really getting us closer together or is it just an illusion that actually generates more frustration than comfort? Stuff like that. Since you mentioned sleeping drugs, I might as well talk about that, too. Because I have trouble sleeping. And I believe it is a very common thing among creators. Sometimes it is the doubt that keeps me awake, sometimes all the great ideas I have late at night when it is peaceful and quiet. And like you, sleeping pills will help me fall asleep, but they do not help me to wake up. The opposite is the case, again. And while I type all this, in front of #The Screen, ( ) I realize, that technology is not really bringing us together. I mean, yes. We kind of talk now. We have a nice conversation that I really enjoy. But I am convinced that it would be way better, way more natural and inspiring, if we would sit in a bar and have some beers. You know, from face to face. While we are together in here, we are still sitting in front #The Screen, entirely alone. Even more alone, due to the fact that while watching the screen, the do not participate in what is happening around us. While the last part was a little dark, do not get me wrong. I can relate to what you are trying to accomplish and I wish you all the best and the worst that could happen. And that both will be a great inspiration for you in your work as a writer. Whatever you choose to do, that is the path to go. You got this!

I can somehow relate to you. Also, I read your article "I hate the internet" and I can heavily relate to that, too. Right now, I am trying to finish one of my two novels. Both are halfway done and I can't - by any means possible - find a way to make me finish one of them. On another note, I am working on my website, my audio-book mini series and my blog, which is not online at this point. So many projects, so much time. Yet, not so much (focused) progress. I like how you described in which way the internet changed you. I am 30. Just like you, when I was a kid, we paid for our internet time. And it was slow and expensive as hell. Also, the services did not include video on demand, facebook feed or whatever. Today, we live in a society where everything we desire can be ours at any moment. Everything, especially entertainment is only one click away. And most of it is pre-chewed, half-digested stuff that ANYBODY can get, because it does not really have any depth. But technology is not entirely bad. It was never easier to get your word out into the world. But then again, most of the texts online are sponsored content, content that makes you want to consume some kind of entertainment, speeches of hatred, tutorials on how to do basic shit everybody could do if they would have been on a Waldorfschool and so on. It took me 3 straight months to write 70 000 words on my novel. That was right after I left the hospital. For 4 weeks as a patient, I had no internet. And after that, I had trouble with my provider, so 3 more weeks of not having access to the internet. It was so easy to concentrate, so easy to focus. I was extremely active, happy, and productive. My goals were clear and my daily routines did not consume any willpower. All that changed. After starting the detox - I am about to hit day 60 - I realized that games are not my only problem. Back in the days, as a kid, I was able to play on my SNES and not waste away. Not only because my parents looked after me, but because when the SNES was switched off, the entertainment was switched off. Today, I am sitting in front of my PC and I am trying to write. I do it. Every day. But it is a struggle. A minor issue can already drag my attention away. Don't know how to finish this paragraph? Let's check whats going on on facebook. After that, email, YouTube, gamequitters, Amazon. "So much cool stuff I could buy. Aww, this new keyboard would make writing so much easier." I bet you know many of the thoughts I have to struggle with. Every. Goddamn. Day. I often refer to technology as a crutch. You know, it is a tool. When you break your leg, you use a crutch to help it heal. But when you continue to use the crutch after your leg has healed, it will begin to degenerate. If you need to look something up, want to write a quick mail, things of this nature, it is great to have the internet. Mission target, operate, evacuate. But this dwelling in this fictive world of infinite jest makes the mind degenerate. Many people would probably kill me for this statement alone. How can I dare to say the interneeetz are bad? http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/technology/at-waldorf-school-in-silicon-valley-technology-can-wait.html Employees of Silicon Valley giants send their kids to schools where they do not have access to computers. These schools encourage the parents to not let the kids have smartphones. So, is that a good sign? That the people who sell us all that fancy stuff are not willing to let their own kids use them? I am sorry for getting a little off track here. All I want to say is that I can relate to you and I feel that I can understand you. I can also understand that you want every blog post to matter. I feel the same. There is so much blah-blah out there, that we do not have to share with the whole world, what cute stuff our hamster did today or which kind of pizza we ate today. I feel that this is the dark side of blogging. In addition, I understand what you say about people and the likeliness of reading an article. YouTube videos trim peoples attention spans. Smash-Cuts all over the place, noises, bright colors, staged jest. Reading is different. It is not that entertaining like all the other flickering, booming videos. Often, I have to fight my own mind because it keeps telling me that what I want to do will not be successful, because it is not this typical, simple, pre-digested crap people "produce" and consume. There are many exceptions, of course. But in general, it is very hard to go on when you have to "fight" for your internet survival and your opponents are much more attractive. The hot girl always gets the attention. But the smart girl is the real deal. (Pardon this misogynistic metaphor) So again: You are not alone. And you gotta continue if that is what you want to do. Just. Go. On. You have all this under control. You are not a slave of the technology. The opposite is the case. You have it under control.

Before you do quit it, use it to analyze the situation. What is on your mind when you feel the urge to grab your phone and watch porn? In my own experience, this is heavily important. I have been watching porn a lot in the past years, but I reduced it to like twice in a month or even less to no porn at all. For me, it was critical to know what drives me to that point. After analyzing this drive, everything made sense. I never really enjoyed it. It was a way to blind out my thoughts of guilt, regret, doubts and so on. Instead, watching porn accelerated all these thoughts. Once you know what it is, that causes the urge, you can work on it. If you feel bad because you should have worked on a text for class but you didn't do it and use porn to blind out these thoughts, do the exact opposite. Work on the text. Even if it is only for 5 minutes. This way, you avoid feeling guilty or bad about it. To be honest, once half-addicted to porn, this world is a f#+%ed up place to be. Because sex is everywhere. That might be another reason why you feel the need to watch porn. Your generation has one mean dis-advantage: You have high speed internet right from the moment you were born. And: Nowadays, it is commonly accepted to watch porn. Kinda even worse. If seems to be a thing to do. Especially in the gaming communities you will find many puns on porn, sexual suggestive themes and so on. Even on YouTube there are many thumbnails that are basically softporn, just as a clickbait. And that sucks. But there are always ways out. Simply get to know yourself. Find out what reasons drive you to do anything. And after that, try to work on that and change it.

You didn't really understand the point behind my post. You make a good point here, when someone is really your friend you don't need to know how to continue the convo, itjust does. But you forgot something, no one starts havinggood friends. My tutorial is ment for people who find it hard to make friends because they have nothing to talk about, while you're talking about someone who's already friends with you. When you're just starting to get to know someone, it's really not that easy to kee the convo going. I also wanted to say that you're sharing your own experience which is great, but remember that not everyone has the same level of social skills, so what seems natural to you is something to be learned to someone else. Bottom line is, This is for people who are finding it difficult to keep a convo when meting new people or dealing with a difficult situation. btw thanks for sharing your opinion No, no. I completely understand what this is about and I know that my level of social skills is not the default setting for everybody. I just did not make my point very clear, because I was trying to be soft to not offend anybody. But if I would state my honest opinion, it would look like this: If you have nothing to talk about, it is probably because: You are not interested in sharing your thoughts, feelings, experiences with your conversation partner. Which shows that you are not really interested in your conversation partner.Which would lead to the result that this person might not be a good friend for you.You have no interests.Which means you are not interesting, but superficial, shallow or lacking any human substance.Which means you should probably try to get some personality and than try to find friends.Personality is formed by experiences.Experiences result from interactions with the entire world outside of your head.DO STUFF! Start to actually care.You are insecure about the things you could talk about and rather hide them.You should build up confidence by having conversations without the fear of them drying up.You should mention things you like and that are important to you, you should look for people that do not run away when you mention such things.You should begin to like yourself.This is my opinion in a "radical" way. So, I am not trying to offend anybody. And like I said, I understand what you are trying to accomplish with this guide. My point is just, that I see it as a guide into the exact opposite direction. Friendships usually develops when people share a common interest, environment, situation. If I remember people, I remember them for what they were at the time I met them. I never found myself thinking "Damn, that generic, constructed conversation with this guy at the coffee place was great". Instead, I remember who are worth remembering. And to be worth remembering, you have to make an impact on people. Whether it be good, bad, funny, sarcastic, whatever labels one would like to use in this situation. But you can only make an impact, if you show something of you. If I meet somebody and I really like his shirt and I say it, like dandie suggested, chances are dynamite that I make impact. In this case, I already showed something of me. What I like, what taste in clothing I have, that I am able to complement other people and so on. However, if I meet somebody and do not know what to say and I use general topics, events or things that do not really interest me, I will either have to put on a mask to make it look like it would interest me or I show the other person that I am offering him or her generic, cardboard-tasting talk. In a nutshell, and I am really trying to sum it up now: The main message of the guide is: Be entertaining and be interesting. But the goal of a conversation should not be to be an interesting person you really are not. What if you really love physics? Is the message then, (exaggeration ahead) "don't bore people with the things you and only you like"? Wouldn't it be good if a possible friend would AT LEAST endure you talking about science even though he or she does not really care a lot about it? Also, if you are trying to make friends, wouldn't it be good if it is a person that has the social skills to just say "Well, I am not really into physics"? Before I read the guide, I scanned the titles, then I pressed CTRL + F and searched for "listen" and after that for "yourself". "Listen" gave me 0 hits in the article. "Yourself" was used but never in the combination with "be". After that, I read the article. For me, this would fit as a guide to "how to do party talk" or "conversation tips if you are stuck in an elevator with your boss". But when it comes to finding or meeting new friends, top priorities should be that the possible friend can a) talk to you while you are yourself/tolerate you as the person you are and b) you should be interested in this person which means that you will at least listen to him or her to learn more about him or her. And when you are interested, the conversation will naturally begin to flow. And if the person cannot stand you being you, well then it would probably not be a great friend. But you are right, of course: This is only my subjective opinion. I can easily be mistaken and I can naturally have a different idea of friendship. Also, I can often be a dick, like I said, which might be a radical way to put it, too. What I mean is, sometimes I believe that people should be all natural, but that does not have to be a good thing, just because I believe it is.