Tatu92

was it your anniversary? Congrats if it is!

Day 43: What I did: hot yoga in the morning.reading some Tao Te ChingListened to the Beyond Recording and made some notes.Went to volleyball and made a meet-up date with this new couple I met for Friday night dinner.hopped on a 30 min call with my Beyond Accountability PartnerStudied 15 mins. of nursingWhat I'm grateful for: having a new set of friends I just met!Coming out of the rejections with some results!feeling GREAT right nowgetting to know my accountability partner, and how we share similar situations.________________________________________ Wow! My first achievement in making new friends! It's a first for me. It's feeling great so far that I got to meet a new bunch of people that share interests and don't really lose time just smoking weed. Great couple. Turns out they go to the same gym I go to as well! Now I have new gym buddies wohooo!!! T

This just made me smile

thanks Mario. i was very outcome dependent, but the funny thing is I thought I wasn't. But looking back, the fact that I was so emotionally caught up in their reactions just proves that I was. I felt the same thing about not lashing back, because I had to let my emotions settle before having a clear view. Now I'm cool with it. No harm no foul. Won't stop me from being me.

Day 42: what I did: went to worklistened to 1/5th of the beyond podcast15 min nursing studywent to rock climbing (actually, it was boulder-ing) which is without the ropes. set up a weekly/biweekly rock climbing group.What I am grateful for: going rock climbing despite my surgery hand worrying me.I love being outgoing and being the one to initiate introducing myself.I'm grateful for meeting a new social circle____________________________ A nice day T

Thanks man! I appreciate it **** @Cam Adair Hey cam, sometimes when I put myself out there and act friendly to new people. I noticed most people are friendly back. But I also noticed some people act very aloof. It makes me feel like they take advantage of my nice outgoing action, and that since I make myself vulnerable they are able to "ignore" me, and I end up feeling like shit. *** I don't mind if it's a quick hello and they ignore me. But like we are friendly at first, then once we get into a more closed/intimate group, it hurts more when they ignore you. But the other people talk to me. And that one person ignoring me, just kills me. LOL It's the same with girls sometimes. I don't mind letting them know I like them, but then it feels like I give them the upper hand. Like this one girl at work, she ended up teasing me about my height behind my back, saying "every inch counts". I thought we were cool, and I put it out there that I liked her, and didn't really expect her to like me back but it just sucks getting kicked when you're vulnerable... I got angry actually. Feeling like I want to get the upper hand somehow. But I know that's not cool. I'm a little bit better now, now that I released that energy rock-climbing. But man..being vulnerable hurts sometimes. feels good to win. but then you get reminded that sometimes you lose

Day 41: What I did: worksleptparty at my sister's houseWhat I'm thankful for: having a nice group to spend the time with, had a good time at my sister's party and met a bunch of new peopledeciding to go to the party after being so pooped from workmy humble co-worker who is very skilled, and reliable as a teammate._____________________________________________ Today was a very tiring day. I had about 3 hours of sleep yesterday. So I had to force myself to go to the party, but it was worth it. Very nice group, and vibe. T

Day 40: What I did: got a haircutrelaxed today.went to a family partyWhat I'm grateful for: that I was able to set up some meet up dates with some of the people at the party.getting a decent haircut for cheapgood food at the party________________________ not a bad day. had some relaxation time from the other day's volleyball session, it took a toll on my hands lol. I set up a meetup date with some people at the party that I haven't talked to in a long ass time. there wasn't that much new people there, and the new ones I talked to but I already seen their faces before. Gonna be a busy ass weekend. So some of my daily disciplines will have to wait until Monday. T

Day 39: What I did: breakfast at my sister's house with parents for her birthday1 hour hot yoga15 mins studying nursingwork-related errandsWhat I'm grateful for: My yoga practice is a lot more focused and calm, thanks to my favorite yogi teacher's exampleHaving a special breakfast over at my sister's new house. I took the time to specially wrap and write a nice letter for my sister's birthday. I don't usually do that.______________________________________________________ Just a short one today. A simple day. I had a lot of questioning, and doubting myself today. But overall, still working from the basis of some strong foundations: daily studying, taking care of my body through yoga/volleyball/gym time, and journaling. T

thanks y'all. yeah to be honest being called "good boy" or just "boy" in general irritates me. it feels somewhat condescending. but i'm working on building resilience to it guys, thanks for the sharing of your experiences. thanks Cam - my culture actually fosters being considerate of others. but there's mixed messages in the North American culture in doing the work for others, and being seen as submissive, until what you said cleared it up a bit better for me. and also, learning to accept my cultural values through appreciating my parents more, kind of cleared up my confusion as well. essentially a struggle in differentiating being a doormat and being kind.

i like zaxxon's advice here

Day 38: What I did: 15 min nursing study.1 hour hot yogabought and packed presents for my sister's birthday on Dec 1.found a NEW volleyball group that is more higher skill level! and Played for 3.5 hours. I finally get to play with the big boys.visited my bestfriend lives close to the volleyball area. had dinner that his girlfriend cooked. along with his buddies. it's the same group I was intimidated with before,, and felt insecure around. but now i'm totally cool with them. I guess it's cuz I've been meeting a whole bunch of new people lately and investing in myself.What I'm grateful for: I initially started the day feeling shitty. But one thing lead to another and all it took was taking some action!Taking my day from zero to the best day in the week so far!Finding a competetive volleyball group. 1 hour drive for me, but this group is a lot more intense. And I'm the newbie now, instead of being the good one. Lots to learn from these guys.Finally getting to enjoy spending time with my bestfriend's "cool social circle". Before I was in my own way, and my insecurities wouldn't let me relax and enjoy being around the cool people. I just got way too much in my head. But I kept going to visit them, and tonight I was finally able to be normal and enjoy their company. ________________________________________________ When I was over at my bestfriend's house I did learn from Cam to be a good guest. So I cleaned my dishes, and put away my stuff after using it. His girlfriend commented that I was such a "Filipino boy". I always get called "good boy" or some deviation. For one thing I recognizze that being "good" is fine. But I hate being called boy. Unfortunately I don't know if there is much I can do about that other than move out of my parent's house. It's most likely from my small stature (being Filipino), sort of skewes people's concept of me. T

hey man. thanks for that post. I appreciate your honesty. thank you. you are right, we are bros. just a little miscommunication. *we are on the same boat

i learned from relapsing multiple times. that those little thoughts end up budding into flowers of action. snip them at the bud. trust me. any thoughts about playing games, just SNIP THEM AT THE BUD if you've relapsed before, you will find that it started with those little thoughts. I'm at that point in my detox where I'm getting thsoe thoughts, but I SNIP THEM OUT.

yo, i was in the same boat. i bought a $3000 gaming laptop about 3 months ago. during that time, i wanted to quit gaming. i told my gaming friend about how I just bought a $3000 laptop and now I wanted to quit gaming. he made fun of me because he thought it was the stupidest thing. in reality, i felt like i was being pulled in two different directions in ways that are more complicated than how my friend put it as "stupid". on one hand, you have this silent voice within you that tells you you haven't been living life the way you ACTUALLY want to. you've just been gaming. it's a way to dull and distract yourself from facing the real problem. i remember, i even used to smoke weed all the time to make the games i play a lot more interesting. after playing around 3000-4000 hours of Dota, I started to feel like the game was getting boring. then that's when we rely on novelty (new things) to add to the game to keep us interested. we wait for major events in the game (which they try to put up every couple months or so now), new updates too , smoking weed, etc... this has a negative effect on you. you KNOW THIS. for me, the negative effect was me getting depressed (spending 16+ hours a day in my house). Me losing contact with my friends, because I'd rather game. in my head I had a set of tapes that said "you're way behind your friends now in terms of social life, you don't have a girlfriend". These tapes made me feel like there was something inherently wrong with me, or that I was doomed for ever. It was a catch 22. My gaming kept me from improving on this area in my life. at the same time when I reminded myself of this problem, it felt really bad. So I used gaming to distract myself. We usually self-sabotage ourselves. I did it for a long ass time. In retrospect, I think I wasted the last 2 years of my life gaming. I could have spent all that time improving myself. BUT, the problem was that I didn't feel like there was another way. Self-sabotaging, our habits - we often return to whatever we know works in alleviating painful feelings/emotions. These rivers run deep. The habits that we've formed for a long period of time. That episode you had where you reflected in the car. I've done that too. We all have that conscience in our heads that tell us not to game, and to move on. You have it. Yet sometimes, we still act on our bad habits and make poor decision. I remember doing that. I remember sitting in my car and telling myself this purchase is stupid, but at the same time I still stepped our and purchased the laptop. You already know what you have to do to fix this shit. You KNOW. Because you said it yourself - you wanted to sell your gaming rig the moment you bought it. So what's the difference in us telling you what to do? The only difference comes - if you act on it. Because you've made the wrong decision (Just like all of us) so many times (i.e. purchasing games, gaming rig, spending time gaming) - it can seem like an inevitable thing. It may seem like you don't have a choice in gaming, that it pulls you. But that's because you've made the small decisions to game over time, and you've strengthened that habit. HOWEVER, you are still capable of making decision the other way. It should make logical sense, despite being clouded by emotions, that you can decide to sell your rig. If that's too big a choice, then start with something smaller. Start with small decisions, and use the momentum to bring you towards QUITTING. Instead of making small choices that bring you toward gaming. Use the resources here and the videos and all of us here. Theres a quote from the Slight Edge it's the small decisions that are "easy to do, and easy not to do" that will bring you towards success. You just have to keep making the right small decisions. And don't be confused by multiple decisions either. Be ruthless in your honesty towards yourself and your behavior, and then ACT. AHHAHA long ass post. but I remember making that $3000 purchase. I haven't gamed for 37 days and counting. Join us in our strugggggle ---- actually, you struggle in the beginning, but the goal is to live the life you ultimately wanted. you should be ENJOYING and living a life that you genuinely find WAY BETTER than your life gaming check our the slight edge book, it's sick..

Day 37: Alright, today was a decent day. What I did: studied nursing for 15 mins.purchased some Christmas and birthday presents for my family.1 hour of hot yoga.set up a kijji ad for my gaming laptop. Just in case I get tempted in the future, I don't want to have this laptop around anymore. On the plus side, I don't really need the power of this laptop for the daily things I do today.What I'm grateful for: Not gaming today, despite feeling a bit tempted.Finally deciding to sell my gaming laptop.I appreciate me recognizing my goals, and noticing when something is not in alignment.Putting my laundry away immediately instead of letting it sit there.______________________________________________________ I'm gonna miss this laptop. But, hopefully, I can sell it away quick! It's literally the last bridge I have to gaming. If I sell this, then I'll buy a shitty ass laptop that won't run the games that I want to play. That's gonna be another obstacle in the way of gaming! I noticed that during this time span, I've been a little bit tempted to play. Although I now know from previous relapses that the moment I have these little tiny thoughts about gaming, it's best to cut them at the bud. Once I entertain them in the slightest, they start to grow and then I start to feel emotions regarding gaming, and then from these emotions I act. One thing that I actually appreciated today was one of my yoga instructors doing the class with us, and doing it next to me. It allowed me to witness his attitude when doing yoga. It's a different energy. Most likely from practicing for a very long time. But there is a sense of dignity, calmness, control, and sense that each pose is given the most importance in that moment. Whereas the average yogi including me would be catching our breathes, wriggling around and being half-concentrated. I learnt a lot from watching him practice. His energy was something that inspired me to practice better. It's always nice to have leaders set a great example. Leaders that lead by doing and showing us something worth striving for. T

Day 36: Alrighttttttt. Monday ! What I Did: Went to a CPR classWent to volleyballStudied nursing for 15 mins.Worked my budget sheet. LaundryWill do 15 min meditation again before I sleep. I did it yesterday.What I'm grateful for: making it to volleyball today, barely making it.I'm so fitHaving completed 2 books so far. I've never really finished books before.Having a reserve of money just in case I spend beyond my limit______________________________________________________ Alriiight. This Monday wasn't too bad. I overslept a little. And watched a little too much anime in the morning. I'm kind of busy maintaining the status quo, when I should be pushing the envelop. Which unfortunately it kind of sucks that I have to work so hard to get where I want to be. But one thing is clear, I am better than I was 36 days ago. Now I got my dad on my side. I got you guys. I got ME :). I got my friends back. I got all these books. I got the treasure trove of the internet. I'm about to join Beyond. I'm fitter than I was 36 days go. I'm active. I got hot yoga, the gym, and volleyball. I'm ready for more change! Let's Fight!!!!

I enjoy reading your posts. You're quite literate and educated. It comes across in the fluidity of thoughts in your writing. It's pleasurable to read.

yea i feel you man. its getting cold up here in canada too. try posting in a journal everyday so we can read it and keep you accountable

I just did the same thing the past few days. I felt like I was being tugged at in all different directions with all the commitments. And then, after that, slacked for a couple of days on the daily disciplines I promised myself I'd do. Mostly because of feeling a lack in purpose, direction, and clarity. Thanks for sharing Mario! Keep it up! Good luck this week!

freshly baked plum jam pastries sound good right about now i like that you're re-considering your decision to keep up the journaling. love the slight edge!

Welcome Flowie! Glad to have you with us

Day 35: Thanks for the encouragement WorkInProgress and Cam! What I did today: Went to church with parents and siblingAte at a Vietnamese restaurant with themCame home slept and when I woke up, I sat down with my dad for 20 mins just to talk about politicsWatched some anime to relaxWatched a documentary on consumerism, materialism, and minimalist living.Studied 15 mins of nursingGym for 1 hour. Ex. the back and abs.Reading now, and winding down. Gonna meditate for 15 min before I sleep. What I am grateful for: The time to recollect my thoughts, to think about my motives, and what my goals were. Taking the first steps towards a better relationship with my parents - My father especially.Now I'm doing my daily disciplines, but also juggling some plans for the future in the back of my mind. Whereas before I felt like I was being tugged in all directions by all of these commitments. But now, I'm keeping the big picture in mind - although still forming it.Being aware of my tendency to compare myself to others. I was at the gym, and I was comparing myself to someone I knew there. I think we all do it to some level, and I know it's not a good thing. So I'm grateful I am aware of doing it. __________________________________________________________________________ Overall, I was really irritated at first when I went to church. I was thinking "I hate this, why do I have to conform to his beliefs when I clearly don't buy into this religion thing?" or "why the hell am I forced to adjust to HIM and him not accepting me or meeting me halfway?". But I thought about it some more. If I am going to respect my dad, I'd have to take a second look at his reasons for practicing his religion so fondly - since it's a huge part of who he is. During our conversation yesterday, I told him how religion was for me, being raised by him. It was constricting. It created shame within me for having sexual thoughts, thoughts about doing "bad-guy" stuff like violence, etc... So after sharing my side. I asked him why it's so important to him. And he shared that it's what's given him strength in all of the troubling times he's had. He's had to face a lot - and I am where I am because I get to stand on his shoulders. So during that time at church. I felt englufed by feelings of bitterness, anger, frustration, resentment at feeling controlled and feeling like I had to sacrifice who I was and what I believed in. But I kept reminding myself to try to look at his lens. Because I remember moments when he was very caring, so he's not only controlling. I remember when I was sick, which was many times - he was the one to take care of me and cook me meals, not my mom. But he's quiet and keeps to himself. He's sentimental. Stern. And Stoic. So I kept reminding myself "he does this because it gave him strength". I kept asking why does he always bring the conversation, and ME towards religion. Why does it always go there? It's obviously because this is the one most important thing to him. It's a very big sentiment for him to share this with me, and I was blind sided because to me it felt like he was trying to change me and not accept me. But he was actually trying to share something very special with me. He believed in it. So I learned something that day. I might not go to church again. But this time, when I took a second look at why he loves religion so much - I saw humility. I finally appreciated the importance it has to him. And that's all I wanted. It's something I can respect. Now I feel like if someone were to make fun of my dad being religious, I can actually stand up for him and tell them to fuck off. T

As soon as they got home, I sat them down to talk about how I felt. Long story short, we talked about my drug abuse (no longer doing it), religion (i'm an atheist and my parents very religious), my behavior of shutting them out, and how I want to re-establish our relationship and learn more about them. Overall a very personal moment, but I had to redirect to conversation from religion towards getting to know them as people. It kept going back to religion. Now I'm going to church tomorrow with them. I never went to church for like 2 years. But this time I'm going not because I'm religious, and they know that. I said "I don't buy into this one bit" but I'm going because I want to re-establish our relationship and deepen our communication and this is one way I can meet that goal. ________________ The main reason why I started this was largely because of learning about how my pushing away my father has lead to me cutting off the main masculine figure in my life. I resented him for his religion and this has brewed a hate in my heart for him. This in turn caused me to become atheist, like the majority of my generation. But I also learned that I'm not totally free until I can accept my father despite religion. Until I can enjoy my relationship with him, and work my way towards respecting him - I would be left with a thorn in my side. My goal is to overcome my hate towards their "negative" aspects. I have often hated him for being religious. On a deeper level I subconsciously looked down on them for being "fob-ish" or "non-westernized". So I'm trying to overcome that, and I started by having a frank conversation about my behavior and beliefs. The ideal I'm striving for is an open-communication wherein I don't have to pretend or put on a mask and say "fine" when they ask me how my day is. I don't want to shut them away with one word answers, but I want to learn to open up to them. Most of all, I am working towards finding a genuine respect for my parents. I think that's the main motivator - finding a genuine respect.

hope you feel better simon, rest up and get well!