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Everything posted by sskieller

  1. Day 15 again I didn't cook today anyway. Turns out I got home half past 10 in the evening, so no time to really cook. That's gotta be tomorrow. Did however have a really lovely afternoon/evening where I introduced some of my other friends to acroyoga. Furthermore we laid some plans for how we're planning to move all the stuff for one of my friends, since we have to transfer it over bridges and get a trailer back and forth and so on. Not the easiest logistics puzzle I've solved but it should work, no problem. Again I am really happy I asked my crush out even though I got a rejection. It just feels so free. Still have a crush on her. The mind is free however. Days I've won: 4 Days I've won in a row: 4
  2. I just realized we stopped gaming in the same weekend. Lets keep it going! :D It seems like you are really working on what to spend your life and and maybe doing some much needed reflection on your life. Definitely going to follow this journal :)
  3. Welcome to the forum Peluconus. I'm glad you've ended up here with us. :) Take your time writing that block of context. I feel like it would be good for you to write it into words and maybe reflect over it. Also I would love to read it. I find it exciting to read other peoples stories. Reading other peoples stories makes you realize that you are not alone and that there is a way out. The context makes the understanding that much better. Go for it ;) I have found a daily journal to be hard to stick with when I write it out on paper. On this forum however, I feel some kind of obligation to myself and others to actually keep it up to date. I think you will have a good experience with it too.
  4. Day 13, 14 and 15 So I've finally reached over 2 weeks without gaming. It is probably the farthest I have gone for the last 2 years. I am really quite proud of myself. Friday I held a public event which turned out to be really great. That definitely gave me confidence to do something of the same again - probably a good thing considering I have joined several committees for my swing dancing. So it really is my job. It was still a great feeling. Friday I also talked with a pair from swing dancing who talked me into just asking my crush out. And I did it after the event was done. Sadly, she is already seeing someone else so I got a no. The rejection however was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. So here I really just learned a lesson about not stretching out the task and just get it done. ACTION! Yesterday, Saturday, I felt a little bit down over it, but today I feel so free. I no longer have thoughts of how it could turn out. I just experienced how it DID turn out. I really really appreciate what the pair told me about just doing it. I did however have an event to attend so I didn't really have that much time to think about it which I think was superb planning from my side. Turned out to be a really great event and probably ended up starting some relationship with a couple of nice people, friendship I don't know. Yesterday I didn't sleep well so I had much trouble getting up from bed and did neither gratification or exercise. Today, day 15, I did however wake with tons of energy and well-slept. I brought a friend of mine to a yoga class. He was grateful afterwards and was glad that I took him with me as it was far outside his comfort zone. I am just happy to have brought him. I'm sure we'll go again some time. At the yoga class I also met my crush. And much to my surprise there was no awkward atmosphere between us. If anything, the atmosphere was just more relaxed since I had told her what I have been thinking for the last 3 months. Definitely a great experience that rejection does as a matter of fact NOT kill you. If anything, it probably just makes you stronger. Also today I wrote an email to my mom and dad celebrating my 2 weeks, and I was happy I could actually do that since I have told them the truth. No hiding the truth and not telling them the status. That felt so great. Today I also did the gratification, did my exercise, cleaned the dishes, folded my clothes and tonight I'll make proper dinner. Almost looking forward to it, maybe for the first time in my life. I usually HATE to cook, like extremely much so. It's probably also a mindset. A mindset that needs change. Today I was grateful for (3+ things!): the sun my bed my friends acroyoga swingdance yoga my apartment the blue sky books i'm alive alarm clocks my phone my mattress the bees the school payout system Today I learned: That there is no reason to keep holding back and thinking about the results to avoid rejection. Take some action, swallow the rejection or acceptance, acknowledge the feeling and move on. That's the only way. The goal is not to succeed, but to try. There is nothing dangerous about hosting a public event. That I have had the fixed mindset most of my life and I still have it. Definitely going to try to get rid of it. If you want to get out of awkward silence when talking with someone. One thing to do is to just think back about the most interesting thing you did this day, week, month and just start talking from that. There is no reason to actually make a point or end the story - it is just a way to get the conversation going again. Like "I went and did acroyoga yesterday. I have always wondered why people did it but actually trying it yesterday made me understand that there is extremely many skills involved from communication to balance to giving bodily signs." With this intro, there is suddenly acroyoga, skills, communication, balance, signs, trying new things as new subjects to talk about. Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Folded my clothes Washed the dishes Went to yoga with my friend Goals I didn't complete today: Goals for tomorrow: Not playing a game. Day 16 soon. Do the daily exercise Do the gratitude session in the morning Clean the fridge Meet with my friend Goals for this week: Not playing a game (So far so good) Completing all exercises in Respawn (DONE) Status of things: Days without gaming: 15 (24th of June 2018) Books I've read: 2 (The Power of Habit, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck) Mornings with daily Gratitude:1 Mornings with daily Exercise:1 Daily meditations: 0 Days I've won: 3 Days I've won in a row: 3 One amazing thing that happened/I did today Took a friend with me to acroyoga and introduced him to that. Was great to see him experience it and expand his comfort zone. Glad to help him. Body/health The exercises really give the body a great start on the day. Just activating it all makes it great. Mind/soul It freed my mind so so much that I just went ahead and asked my crush out. I feel so free all of a sudden. What progress did I make today? I started my morning exercise, gratification again What went well today: Meeting up with friends Seeing my crush after I have asked her out, and not feel awkward about it What I could have done to make my day better: Gee, I am not sure. Maybe wake up a bit earlier but I think I needed the sleep. What I will do differently tomorrow: Get up earlier
  5. Just because she treated you wrong and she maybe wasn't healthy for you in the long run, you probably still loved her which was why you were with her in the first place. You have lost a loved one, one you probably cherished for a long time. It is going to hurt, a little less each day, but still hurt. Don't beat yourself down too much on whether you still feel hurt just because she hurt you. Just keep yourself to your tasks, make sure you have other plans when you seem to have large blocks of free time and then the pain will slowly go away. Before you would probably have coped by playing games all day. Lets think about what this activity does. It helps you escape from reality. You don't really solve the problems, the feelings that you have. This time you should maybe try to feel them, acknowledge them, accept them and then try to move on. And then make sure to have plenty of plans that you can stick to in your calendar, such that you do not have a ton of time to think back or have cravings during extreme emotional phases. Just follow the plans, acknowledge/accept/let go, and then I am sure you will reach for better days before long.
  6. Day 12 Today started out really fucking bad. I was extremely tired when I woke up and I just wanted to go back under the sheets and stay there the entire day. No shits given. I did NOT want to do any exercise or gratitude or anything at all. After 20 minutes of snoozing I did however get my "DO SOMETHING" thinking started and I forced myself to just do something. One step at the time. Just get up. Nothing more than that. Just get up from the bed. When I got up from the bed, I went to the toilet to equip lenses, brushed my teeth. Already a little more energy was in my body than when I was laying in bed. Then there was the daily exercise which I did not want to do if my life depended on it. Instead of listening to my immediate wants and needs I just did a little bit at first. Just a tiny baby step. Just do something. And then I did 20 minutes of exercise. And it was great. Really great. Then I went and did a bunch of shit that I would have normally put off but did anyway, seeing as I was already in the DO-SOMETHING state and simply just acted. And after I got back home I realized that just getting out of the house has an enormous responsibility for my sanity for the day. It's like a meditation session to just get out and get some fresh air. This could probably be achieved through a walk too - gotta remember this. I was however pretty tired and took a nap today. I didn't plan for this but I was just really tired. Gotta try to fix something about my sleep schedule. A good thing however was that I met with a recently required friend of mine and we had a great and deep conversation about thoughts and mindsets and all sorts of things that I normally don't talk with people about. Turns out we are really similar some if not most of these points. Definitely not the last time I am going to meet with this guy and talk through life. Afterwards there was a dancing event that I went to and that was quite fun. There was another girl from my normal dance-club that I danced with for a solid 1.5 hour. Really great. So I ended up winning the day anyway even though the start of the day was a pile of stinking garbage. This could be tracked too. Also I finished the rest of Respawn. Today I was grateful for (3+ things!): Good friends Free dancing events My dance shoes Exercise in the morning of all things Exercise apps My windbreakers on the balcony Warm clothing but also cold clothing Sunglasses 8) My bed Today I learned: That there really isn't any bad outcome of asking someone out. If it's a yes, then it's great. If it's a no then I'll get over it. That my friend I was talking with today was extremely similar to me in a lot of ways That good-quality sunglasses are expensive as **** Some lindyhop steps. Was pretty good I guess. I'm gonna stick to my known dance for now. Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Went to the SU office and fixed my income Completed Respawn Goals I didn't complete today: Goals for tomorrow: Not playing a game. Day 13 soon. It's the day of bad luck! Not that I believe in that. Do the daily exercise Do the gratitude session in the morning Write all the Respawn exercises into the journal Fold my washed clothes. Just do it for gods sake. Host a public dance-event on the harbor. Will talk in front of a bunch of people. Doesn't matter what people think of me, only that I do it! Goals for this week: Not playing a game (So far so good) Completing all exercises in Respawn (DONE) Status of things: Days without gaming: 12 (24th of June 2018) Books I've read: 2 (The Power of Habit, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck) Mornings with daily Gratitude: 0 Mornings with daily Exercise:1 Daily meditations: 0 Days I've won: 1 Days I've won in a row: 1
  7. Have you bought the Respawn course and tried that? I feel like you could benefit from reading that and committing to it. Other than that I hope you will figure it out. Good luck
  8. I don't know you or the complete story but from my experiences I think I can say a few words. I too have thought many times about just semi-quitting games and allowing myself to just play a little bit now and then. The problem with this approach is that whatever your brain and mind gets from gaming, whether it's for pleasure, escape or something else, you probably get it from all types of games. I sure did. This means that you can never really distance yourself from the games. There will always be a cliffhanger, something to pull you right back into the games. When you have good days, it may seem easy to stay off the games. But when the shitty days hits you need barriers to stay away from the games, make it harder to get back. At least for me there is only one way to go. No games at all or all the games in the world. A motto from Gamblers Anonymous that i like which describes this situation: "One game is too much and a 1000 is never enough". If you are a category 4 (see this link https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/31jj81/addicted_or_just_misunderstanding_addiction/cq25wa4/) like me, every time you game you put some more tinder on the fire and the cravings will continue that much longer. The only way for me to completely distinguish the flame is by not adding more tinder at all. No small branches (just a few hours), no little sticks (I'll just play this app), no huge logs (I'll just play this for a few weeks, then stop). Every time the flame has more to burn. I would suggest that you and your boyfriend experiences with the 90-day detox with complete cold turkey. This means no apps, pokemon-go is a game too, no wii, no steam. Maybe install the K9 Web-Protection and give someone else the password. Try it, experience the days without gaming, don't escape from the problems and actually work on them. And then after the 90 days have passed, you have a great knowledge on whether or not gaming is actually a good thing in your life, Pokemon-Go included. I know for a fact that Pokemon-Go would be no different for me, than playing WoW. It's just another medium wrapped around the same brain-stimulating package. Whatever you and your boyfriend chooses, I wish you good luck :)
  9. Day 11 Today I went to yoga class and had a great instructor. had a great time and was well-slept. Furthermore I went to the new job and made a good impression. Also bought a windbreaker for the balcony. Something I've wanted to do forever. Just did it. Action! Then I went to a dance-party in another town for the evening and just got back a little before 23:00. It feels so great to spend the days and evenings on something else than just staring into the computer screen mindlessly browsing stuff. I am making sure to read books every time I have some room for it. These books that I read and study makes it feel like there is so many possibilities, and, albeit small steps at a time, I grow from this new knowledge. I'm feeling alive and the future is bright! Today I was grateful for (3+ things!): That I can read That I have met so many great people through dancing that I can meet with A pretty well-functional public transport system Books! :D Respawn Clean water. Holy damn I don't know what I would do without Spotify This forum, gives a great self-help Today I learned: Some details about a girl in another dance-club. Nothing special but it meant communication! That trust is built from saying the truth rather than going for the easy road. This should be logical but I didn't realize this was the case. More likely the other way around. That if there is no reason to do anything, then there is also no reason not to do anything. Instead of hiding behind fear or embarrassment or shame since it's literally nothing anyway. In the great story of earth one fear, embarrassment, shame experience means nothing. Avoid what is painful and uncomfortable is essentially avoiding living altogether. That having a good set of values is everything Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Went to yoga, well-slept. Had a great instructor today and a great time. Definitely going to search for more classes with her. I met my new team at the new job. I'm confident I made a great impression and now I just look forward to get started on august 6th. I completed some more of the Respawn course but I didn't finish because I had an idea to get a windbreaker on the balcony. I have wanted this for quite some time but have been putting it off. Today I just f*cking went and did it. I went and bought it and put it up. No hesitations. Just pure action. Felt great! Goals I didn't complete today: I didn't complete the entire Respawn course Goals for tomorrow: Not playing a game. Day 11 soon. It's the start of another "decade" of days! Go to the SU office and get some more money Complete the Respawn course and fill the remaining exercises. Goals for this week: Not playing a game Completing all exercises in Respawn Status of things: Days without gaming: 11 (24th of June 2018) Books I've read: 2 (The Power of Habit, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck) Mornings with daily Gratitude: 0 (Starting on this when I have done the exercise again and right) Mornings with daily Exercise: 0 Daily meditations: 0
  10. Day 10 Today was a great day. Much better than I anticipated. I did a whole lot more than I had planned for the day - something something action. It was a great feeling. Also got to read some more in my book, got up at 8:00 after having slept 10 hours and was pretty good running the entire day. Met with my crush at 2 which went pretty well if I should say so myself. Ended up however meeting a bunch of other really great people and got introduced to some more people in the acroyoga-world. I feel like this is a really good community for me to be in. Lots of open-minded people and no expectations from the others. Just all around pretty much the same feeling as I get from the dance community. The only difference with this is that you can actually do it in a yard - there is no need for good floors. So this could fit nicely into my daily schedule - doing something else that has a bit more physical strength training but the same kind of great community. All in all a great experience. I also tried my new lenses today and oh boy have I been missing out on something there. There were a few problems here and there which is to be expected the first day but other than that it was just so great. I felt so free. I am definitely going to use these lenses a lot more from now on. Probably a mix of glasses and lenses is the best way to go. I don't know for sure yet. I am getting more and more confident that I am definitely going to ask my crush out after the dancing camp. The rejection is one thing that I hid from before which will be no more! Furthermore I would like to implement a life of honesty which means being honest with myself as well as others too and not hide something that is not meant to be hidden. I feel like the most fair approach to this is to just tell her the way it is and then the result whether that be rejection or not will help me grow. There is literally no bad thing about this. The goal is to just do it. Either I get rejected and I learn something or I don't get rejected and I also learn something. When setting the goal as just doing something, there is literally no way to lose. Today I was grateful for (3+ things!): The insanely great weather That I am not gaming Sunscreen. Ooh boy, I would'a been red by now Strawberry beer. Damn that tasted good Green grass. There is so little of it left from all the sun Today I learned: More acroyoga poses About some more people doing acroyoga About not choosing the "easy" road to avoid rejection but to face it hard-on to grow as a person About the importance of having a principle of just "acting". Just do something. Make doing something the goal of everything and you can feel good, even with failures because this meant I did something in the first place To not keep a thought in my mind when having a conversation. Rather just let it slip and listen to the conversation instead. Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Picked up lenses, book Cleaned my room along with all other rooms and washed my clothes Goals I didn't complete today: Goals for tomorrow: Not playing a game. Day 11 soon. It's the start of another "decade" of days! Go to yoga at 9:00 and be well-slept Go meet my team at 12:00 at my new job. Make a good impression Complete the Respawn course and fill the remaining exercises. Goals for this week: Not playing a game Completing all exercises in Respawn Status of things: Days without gaming: 10 (24th of June 2018) Books I've read: 1 (The Power of Habit) Mornings with daily Gratitude: 0 (Starting on this when I have done the exercise again and right)
  11. It seems like you are really acting on a lot of problems that you have avoided by gaming. I really feel like you are putting yourself out there and fixing your base. I believe in you!
  12. Thank you Cam! Day 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 These 5 days have been extremely relieving on my mind. I went home to my parents, whom I had planned to not tell about my relapses for the last years. Well! I went ahead and did it anyway. It was such a relief getting that off my shoulders knowing that they now do not go around with a faulty understanding of my situation. They ended up taking it much less angry and disappointed than I thought they would - probably because I this time haven't screwed up my education AND I presented them with new material that I have been researching - a plan. I also went ahead and read the entire Respawn-paper front-to-back along with several of the exercises. I now only have a few left that I plan to do this week along with reading the entire thing again. Helps the memory. I've been making sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep per day and that has given some energy back I feel. Today I was grateful for (3+ things!): Hard to do this when you are doing it the day after :o Must be better at doing these on the day; to the schedule! Today I learned: About the subtle art of not giving a fuck Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Goals I didn't complete today: Goals for tomorrow: Not playing a game. Day 10 coming up! Pickup lenses from shop, pickup book from library, clean my room Goals for this week: Not playing a game Completing all exercises in Respawn Status of things: Days without gaming: 9 (24th of June 2018) Books I've read: 1 (The Power of Habit) Mornings with daily Gratitude: 0
  13. Day 3 and 4 Day 3 was a good day. I had the exam for the most important subject of the entire semester and I ended up getting an A. The group I was in all went to the city and had a party. I did however get greatly triggered when somebody mentioned Warcraft 3 and I jumped right into that talk without even thinking. I had a great desire to play those old games again right when I jumped into that conversation. Fortunately I had a lot else to do from that point on, and I was committed to never go back and thus the desire waned within hours instead of the usual days. Day 4 was a great day. I had lots of different appointment with good friends and I had a great time with this girl that I have a crush on. We went to do acroyoga and it was so much fun doing that together. I did also have a great talk with another one of my friends and she made me confirm my plan of asking out my crush in august, after a dancing trip that we're both attending. I did also read a book about training the communication aspect of being social and it gave me a great hopeful of the future for sure. This is definitely a thing I am going to work with. Today I was grateful for (3+ things!): The fantastic weather That I have not played any games today Acroyoga. So much fun My friends. This is so important Today I learned: Loads of different communication tools for training speaking with people That everybody apparently knows of my crush on this girl Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Went to do yoga at 9:00 even though I wanted to sleep instead. Goals I didn't complete today: Goals for tomorrow: Not playing a game. I will try to reach 5 days! Tomorrow is yet another day filled with activities. Going home to my parents - this shouldn't cause too many problems. Reach the train station at my parents city at 12:00. Goals for this week: Pass my exam (I DID IT WITH AN A!) Not playing a game Status of things: Days without gaming: 4 (24th of June 2018)
  14. Thank you Cam! Happy to be back - for good! I want to make an update on day 2 I initially didn't think I would be able to do anything today and I was really really tired. But then first of all I got something to eat, and second of all I got talking about quitting the games with a good friend of mine. We had a long talk about the process and along this process we also setup K9 web protection. This actually gave me a sense of relief, that I wasn't the one with the power to decide directly if I wanted to game. Sure I can still do it but this protection makes it that much harder and gives me time to stop myself when everything goes sour. Finally I also did power through the first two chapters of the Respawn e-book and did the exercises as well. This made me relieved more than I thought it actually would. It is like I actually have done something today. The day ended on a good note. I figured it couldn't hurt to write the action steps from Respawn in this journal, sort of as a reminder to myself so that's what I'm going to do at least for now. Action step 0.01 Reasons to play A challenge which gives a sense of achievement Always growing by levelling/upgrading/evolving Is an escape from reality which can be harsh and unforgiving It gives an opportunity for emotional release, just like movies tend to Anxieties can be blunted or shoved away completely Is a social activity which can have lots of praise and acceptance from fellow gamers Action step 0.02 Reasons to quit Makes me lonely Removes my sense of reality Impairs my self-development Makes me socially awkward or at least hinders growing out of it Allows me to flee from my problems instead of fixing them Ruins my career and probably friendships My romantic life is non-existent It is not real growth. In the end it doesn't really make me happy. It is all fake Action step 1.01 My current emotions Lonely Excited Hopefull Little stressed Anxious Scared Afraid of the unknown, reality Restless Some pride in doing this Happiness Insecurity Unsure of myself Angry Disappointed I am starting from scratch again Awkward Action step 1.02 Join the forum. Well, I'm here! Action step 2.01 Follow the checklist I did uninstall all the games I have deleted my steam account, my blizzard account, my kongregate, my armorgames, my gog account (I have not. Gotta go to bed now, will delete GOG account tomorrow) I have no gaming consoles but I have no games deleted on my phone and considering what to do with that one. maybe an app-filter. I have unsubscribed from all the gaming channels on youtube. I have installed K9 Web Protection to make it that much harder to start playing. Now that I am writing this, P2P should probably be filtered as well to stop torrents being a possibility. Goal for tomorrow Delete GOG account Goodbye to the Sunk Cost of those accounts and welcome reality.
  15. Day 2 Today was a shitty day. Real shitty. And still is. I really wanted to update the journal earlier than at this point on the day but I forced myself to focus on the study for the exam on Tuesday. Still, the day started out real bad. Actually it was yesterday that ended in a really bad way that made me miserable for this entire day. Yesterday I went to bed too late, first of all, reading up on nothing particular until way too late. When I finally went to bed, I spent the next 2 hours browsing Jodel, Reddit and Facebook before I finally laid my phone down and tried to sleep. This made me go way past my bedtime to the point where I couldn't get myself to even set an alarm for the goal I wanted to reach. I woke up at 9:00 and was so tired that I completely ignored the alarm and slept another hour. I did not reach any "Respawn" activities and this has bummed me out the entire day. So disappointed in myself. Yet again, the wise ones say to forgive yourself so I try to not beat myself down too much over it (lol, joke). I did however realize that I probably have a problem spending way too much time mindlessly browsing through those apps wasting time where I could have slept, or even not spend 2 hours on a toilet visit. So today I deleted those apps. I deleted Reddit from my phone for the first time since I installed it over 6 years ago. I almost didn't. My mind wanted me to save it because that could be where I read articles and help-guides for stopgaming etc. But I did it. I have a bit of an ambivalent feeling about it. First of all I am glad that I actually did uninstall it but I am so used to wasting time on that app that I've felt mostly empty whenever I have unlocked my phone. I think this a good thing in the end as the phone should be a tool, not a mindless time-spender. I'll have to repeat myself here and say that I am so tired at this point. I really want to do more studying or go for a run or do some work with Respawn or read a book but I am so bummed out I have trouble even focusing. I am so restless. At least I realize that I am restless. The knowledge that I have to write in my journal has forced me to pay more attention to my mind, to what is happening around me so that I can put words on the feelings. I guess that is a good thing in the end. For now I am just working towards the 48 hours, soon there. Only 4 hours to go. Should be possible. I am hiding this journal writing from my roommate. I am still so embarrassed that I keep relapsing that I have trouble telling people about it. I don't know if I should show it to him or those close to me yet. Often I have used to just blabber about my addiction because that somehow made the problem smaller because "I could tell people about it so it wasn't that bad and probably wasn't only my problem now that other people knew about it". I guess I gotta tell people at some point. Especially my parents. I have not been honest with them for the longest time. At this point they probably think I haven't been playing games for years. I just do not have the heart to tell them yet. Not so soon. I have no strategies set up, no solutions to the problem. This will be delayed for a while until I am ready. I realize I need strategies for some situations and I need to find out what those are. Both the situations and the solutions. For now I can list some situations: Being really tired/lazy/bummed out, not wanting to do anything Being really bored Anyways, for the ending. Today I was grateful for (3 things!): That I rediscovered this forum and decided to actively participate in it. That I have not played any games today That I am still alive. Today I learned: That keeping a journal forces me to focus on the moment, on myself Goals completed today: Not playing a game. This is the important one. Get ready for the exam tomorrow. This is probably equally important. Goals I didn't complete today: I did not wake up at 8:30 at all. I did not read through anything in Respawn. At least not yet. Do not think I can force myself through this one today. Goals for tomorrow: Wake up at 8:00. Actually have to be at school at 9:00 so this is a hard deadline. Actually I will wake up at 07:30. This means I should sleep at 23:30, so being in bed without phone at 23:00 at the latest. Not playing a game. I will try to reach 72 hours! Tomorrow is yet another day filled with activities. Actually pass the exam. Goals for this week: Pass my exam Not playing a game Status of things: Days without gaming: 2 (24th of June 2018)
  16. Day 1 I have been through the process of trying to quit gaming many times at this point. I have however never committed to finding new activities that I could engage which supplies the basic needs that the gaming fulfills in the first place. I assume this is why I have never really been completely successful. My longest run of freedom was after I joined paid therapy sessions at a point in my life where I had absolutely no control and I was losing my education possibilities having dropped out from different paths that was no longer an option. This run gave me almost 10 months of no gaming before I ended up in a stressful period of my life and games ended up being my escape from reality. This is led to me being an on-off gamer for the next 7 years until I sit here today hoping to actually commit to this process for real. I do not really trust myself at this point, being committed to something doesn't mean anything to me when I have broken every long-time commitment I've ever done, (almost, or is it everyone, I'm not sure). I'm not sure how I am going to keep it real this time. For now though, this journal is a change of pace. I have never done something like this before, online where I somehow feel that the journal is more of a commitment than just a piece of paper. Today was a great day. I was committed to not playing any games and with this being the first day the motivation is thus still around. The hardest part is yet to arrive. I read quite a bit from different forums and found some books I will try to get my hands on to read, mostly from the introduction guide on /r/stopgaming. I did however also use this reading to procrastinate on the real study that I needed doing because I told myself that this is more important. Of course this has to be balanced and the study is the most important thing right now considering the exam is in two days. I did however get a chance to go Swing Dancing which is my new favorite hobby starting last summer until now - this is the first thing that have led me to stop a gaming-streak and actually go outside so I could join this activity. Normally during the season I go to dancing classes 4-5 times per week over 4 days and this gives me great joy along with fulfilling almost all if not all of the needs that gaming also fulfills. Unfortunately the season doesn't stretch the entire year and I can feel that these days, where the chance to go dancing is reduced to a single time per week if any, gives me a lot of free time which I have a hard time handling. But this was not a problem today because my number 1 favorite thing in the world was actually possible. I have a little bit of a crush on this girl I've met at the dancing classes and I've been procrastinating into asking her out forever because I don't want to ruin the relationship as it is. Mostly just escaping what could be a rejection. To counter this I've tried to read up on the emotions behind rejection and I feel like maybe a bit of work on my "self" could counter some of the fear. I have done some thinking through the day and I have begun to realize that maybe I am not even ready for a relationship right now. My life is chaos, my room is a mess, the kitchen is a mess, my days are a mess, my addiction is fully functioning and actually having to change all this to make room for a relationship is maybe more than I can cope with for now. Maybe this is just another way of procrastinating on asking her out, I don't know. Actually I do know. It is a procrastination on that. But I am thinking that maybe this one is actually a valid reason. I am clueless on this one, at this point. The next few days will be quite filled with activity because of the exam on Tuesday, I have a bunch of stuff to do on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. After this however I have a void in my calendar a complete 14 days where nothing is planned and I fear this. I fear this a LOT. Some days I don't want to get up early because this gives me SO much free time that I have no clue what to spend on. I am actually very very afraid of free time. I mean sure I could relax in my free time, except I don't. This just gives space for thoughts and me wanting to fill this void with gaming. I have some ideas of what I could spend the time on. - Cleaning up my room/kitchen/life - Doing the worksheets for the "Respawn" - Setup focus apps - Reading and studying (maybe mostly /r/stopgaming recommendations for a starter. Here is even a link for you, me.) https://www.reddit.com/r/StopGaming/comments/3nmedk/faq_answers_to_popular_questions/ - Meeting with friends - Working on my "self" - Social Dynamics, as Cam wrote in the intro, seems like something I could get something from. You don't exactly get better at social interactions in real life by sitting behind the screen. - Doing Yoga, Acroyoga - Studying for exam in august Anyways, I have to end this before my ramblings keeps on going forever. This first post has certainly given me room for thoughts on this. As per Giblet's Journal I have chosen to use the same setup. It feels like this could be a good thing to do. Today I was grateful for (3 things!): That Swing Dancing is actually a thing and that I was pulled into it last summer. I appreciate this so much. That I am part of a project group which has had a lot more energy than me this semester so that I am quite sure that I will pass the exam on Tuesday. I don't feel great about this - I really wanted to do more. I just didn't. the great weather that it was today. The sun was shining and that just makes it easier to get through the day. Today I learned: About different books that I could read to gain more knowledge about myself. This is a bit thin but the I guess the journey starts with the first step. Goals completed today: Writing this journal. Took the entire day but I did it! This was my only goal. Goals I didn't complete today: Goals for tomorrow: Wake up at 8:30 to give myself some time to read through the first chapter of the 90-day detox. Not playing a game. I will try to reach 48 hours. Shouldn't be too hard. The hard days will come soon enough. Get ready for the exam Tuesday. This is highly unspecific. I will get my entire speech ready for Tuesday. This means completely filling out what I need to say and exercise it at least 2 times. Goals for this week: Pass my exam Not playing a game Status of things: Days without gaming: 1 (24th of June 2018)