tirEdOrange

Day 19 Small Relapse but I still think I reset the timer. So it's Day 1 again. Met someone new, he is an active player and we bonded by playing. I was telling him that the next day I'm gonna delete since I can't handle gaming with the rest of everything that has to be done. Well I installed it again the next day and played like 4 hours before being so sick of myself that I turned my phone and everything else off and now deleting it again for good. Just feeling angry right now but I'm feeling anger most of the time tbh and it's helping me out. I'm sorry for the Relapse.

Day 15 Wait... it's already Day 15? That happened fast, days are filled with work, meetings and fitness and I don't even realize that I don't play at all. I mean obviously it's a way to evade the main problem that I have to deal with but it's defnitly helping and builds up momentum that I can use, which I appreciate a lot. Anyway, today's a day where I'm lonely and that kinds nags on me,... in a way. I appreciated being lonely during the last days and I'm getting used to it. Right now it's nagging on me but that's just a situation right now. Anyway I went through my personal journal that I wrote regularly in since 1 year and.... it's kind of frightening. I really don't feel like I can open up to people because the reactions then break me up every time. Staying "lonely" for a while will be the way for me.... Anyway, I'm happy I made it so far and I think I will keep it up. The progress keeps me motivated. I bought Atomic Habits and Mind over Mood and I'm looking forward to read these books ?

Thank you very much for traveling with me! Yeah, funny thing is I picked up that book by myself during the downphases of the last days and it's a masterpiece worth rereading again and again. I feel silly for not doing this earlier. I'll take it the next weeks as my mentor since my social connection always feel like they kind of backfire, as told. I finished it onced and lived my live by it and it changed so much so immensely and gave me success until multiple recent events really broke my self-esteem down to a point where I relapsed and had suicidal thoughts and that's sad and was also caused by social connection, I guess that's where the fear of bonding comes from right now. Anyway, training and dedication doesn't disappoint me but it's just not simple since it's a process so I'm going through a lot of negative emotions right now but I feel hopeful, finding back my momentum in sports, having a clear household and eating good food. I'll just keep that going and not be too harsh on myself. I think that's a key problem, I always expect too drastic changes and break myself because of that. I mean it's also harsh times where no one cares about my mental health and just wants to see money and results but I gotta protect myself, even if it means letting down people and expectations. Anyway I finished Day 9 and it's feels good writing this.

Hey there, Thanks for answering @fawn_xoxo. From time to time i feel struggling but I found fitness as a good catalysator for everything. Also, and that's probably a little strange, I like to distance myself from people right now. Because... I gotta fight with chronic Depression every now and then,... sometimes more or less and sometimes I hope too much from people, that they will somehow support or care for me but I never feel like this happens... like there's rarely an occasion where somebody writes: "Hey man, I know you've your ups and downs every now and then and i just wanted to ask how you feel right now?" and even tho I'm doing this for people nobody does it for me and.... this makes me geniunly sad. So I kinda like the thought of distancing and it helps. I really start to get along with myself and start picking up hobbies I'm interested in just like that. And I really rely on training being there for me because it kinda sooths me to know that no matter what, if i put effort in it it gives me back results. I just can't invest anymore in people and be let down, this always brings me back to gaming so hard and drains me so much. I know this can't be a permanent condition but I think, it's definitly a good starting point from which on I can test out how much I wanna open myself in the future. Even if it's about people close to me, i just feel so abused lately. Or does it sound wrong to you? What do you think? Edit: Oh and i just can't regulate gaming at all so i really deleted everything and I will keep it that way. I'm currently on Day 8 of Detox.

Wow seeing the time between this and the last post just shows how horrendously easy it is to relapse. I didn't achieve a lot during the last weeks. I wanna change that and that's why I returned. I'll give my best from now on. I believe that I can do it. I removed all games from my computer(except 2 old games, but those don't hook me) in order to hit a deadline. I wonder if I could completly let loose of all games and make it?

Couple days in: And I gotta say ---> I failed badly. Gamed quite a lot, also got some things done but it's totally fine. It doesn't has to be perfect I just have to keep going ? I'll try not to overdo it. I will for sure get rid of the temptations but I won't beat myself up about it. Anyway, there's a lot to do during the next time and I definitly need something in exchange to the gaming. Something that I could do all the time and I think I'll stick to a new hobby sometime soon. Also pick up a book and start playing some guitar, all just for fun ? If the tension gets too hard I'll try to get some sleep or do some sports, depending on how fit my body is. Looking forward to everything I can achieve if I keep goin ?

Hey everyone! My Name's Ed and I'm joining you here on our Journey! I'm a 27 year old student and I had during the past 7 years huge problems with gaming. I basicly achieved nothing notable so far and I'm stuck. But I'm gonna change that. And that's what this Journal is for. Below this line I will write about all the achievements I made and how I motivate myself to keep going. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I deleted yesterday my archnemesis in gaming. Accounts are on the deleting list. I've been through this a couple times and that's ok. I took my time for me and I didn't find myself yet but I'm ready to explore myself and everything that comes with it. The Journey is the goal so I'm basicly already a winner for starting it. I'm excited where my first destination will be? who knows! But for now I will start. Start to study and tonight I will go for a workout. That's a strong start and I already feel pride for myself. I feel a little bit too much anxiety to go to university tomorrow but that's okay. I will make up for it on my own. I've been fighting lately with increased anxiety but I'll get rid off that, step by step ? My Motivation for this journey: Be the Ideal that you seek. Be the Idea. My body and my mind are tools. Form them to something useable and then use them and give back as much as you can. Because everybody deserves to get something back in a world that absorbs so much. Be the Ideal. Be the Idea. That is true strength.

Day X Hey there, been a while. Wanted to make a quick update: First of all: Thanks. Your guiding advices really helped me and made me rethink a lot of my behaviour and mentality. I've been very productive during the last weeks and achieved all my goals and more... while actually not really having a goal(except one: study!!!), I just knew what I didn't wanted to do. I didn't wanted to stay the way I was during the last months,... probably years. So I ran almost every day, studied every day, stopped eating junk food and generally eat less and only healthy stuff and see there: I'm bored 5 days before exams because there's actually nothing to do (so I just study related things and repeat old stuff for x-th time), I lost around 4-5kg(8-10 pounds) during the last 6 weeks and gained a lot of endurance. I wasn't even able to run for 3km straight without a break and now I'm running 6km and feel like I can soon run more. I'm still struggling in terms of mental health and it's going upward... slowly... so: During the last weeks I isolated myself and visited a psychological consultant. Turns out I'm having a (probably even chronic) depression, that's current state is middle to middle deep and probably some other things, which sucks but now I know what I'm dealing with and I'm seeing a therapist to help me out. Like I don't know... it was way overdue that I did that but some kind of false Pride didn't allow me to visit a psychological therapist. But now that I've broken the chains to everything I'm completly free and I start to build myself up again. Well, that was pretty much it. I'm still struggling with after-break-up symptoms and myself but it's getting upwards, so everything's fine. I think it's the first time since years that I look into the next weeks and I see some real hope for change, not just some wishful thinkings. Going to sign a contract at a gym and a boulder hall after exams and try to establish a routinated, well structured and productive day while not overdoing it. Now that I have literally 0 contact to anyone except family and 1 close friend I feel free, like I broke some chains. I couldn't care less about peoples opinions like that it's freaky to wake up at 4AM and do stuff and go to bed at 9PM. It's just pulling me down so why give a fk. Sadly my opinions towards others has changed into the direction that I'm only trusting myself (for a reason). Maybe that will change in future but I don't really care, just wanna hang on with fitness, study and money. The rest will come by itself or not, I don't care. I have no problems in terms of gaming addiction anymore. I mean, I've gone through it all during the last years and didn't make it easy for myself but well, whatever it takes to be successful. If I procrastinate I choose to game sometimes but it's not impulsive and uncontrolable as it once was and I for sure have no cravings... but... there's no way I can take this easy ever again in my life. It's easy to slip back into the darkness. Sucks but it's true. So I rather distance myself than hanging on the edge. Wish everyone energy and power to get through the mess addictions causes everyone of us. Keep it up!

Also have to state that after my last entry I was feeling extremly pessimistic and down. Cooled down during the last days and probably will start to make entries regularly again since it helps, even tho they are just the aftermath of my unbeaten gaming addiction. Gotta clean up the shit that it left behind

@WorkInProgress I totally get what you're saying since I've been on the right way a couple years ago and ecperienced this libersting feeling. It somehow produces pain to seperate from my current mentality and switch to this "new", liberating one. I'm on my way tho and thats all that matters. Day 23 Haven't been very productive during last days, I can now totally see that I'm stuck in depression and I'm struggling to keep up with everything because of it. I still believe that the 5 stages of grief apply to my situation and while I have shown signs of acceptance I'm surely really stuck in depression right now. I picked up learning, jogging and eating normally tho during the last 2 Days, so that's a little comeback. I will try to keep up with these 3 things during the next days and get through as good as possible. My goal is to wake up early again during the next days and keep up the things that I stated above. I'm thankful for not falling for any addictions during the last days and just go mildly through the down phase. Oh btw I wasn't drinking or smoking regularly, I just started bad habits around these two factors and since I don't wanna develop any kind of twisted relation to them I'm completly cutting them until I'm in a better mental state.

Day 18 If this goes after the Kübler-ross-model(5 stages of grief and loss), which seemed pretty fitting so far, I have definitly reached Stage 4: depression. Don't even feel like writing daily entries anymore... I fucked this all up. I couldn't get over my broken self and now I have to deal with the consequences, so I deserve all that comes on this way. I have to restructure and redefine myself so much... and start over again. Will it be worth it in the end? Invested so much time and energy in other peoples dreams and hopes and made so many of them achieve these even though they didn't believe that they could but it seems that my taste in people is fucking horrible because now that I'm at the end of my ressources, I find myself lonely and with no hope for someone who would do the same for me. Investing 5 years in people that use and then just discard or even betray me. I just wanted to built a circle around me with people that push themselves into something higher... but instead I've gazed into the void of many people and while curing some of theirs, I've built my own. Fast forward to this point and I need to resist every fucking day to not drink, smoke, binge eat and gamble/game (the difference are only 2 letter btw... for a reason) away my fucking life and all that I hear is: "Hey that shouldn't be too hard for you, I mean, it's you after all..." like I'm not human but some fucking kind of object. Fuck my life. I honestly believe that I have a talent to cope with people and help them achieve their goals... but if this is what comes at the end of the road, then why even bother? I think I will turn at this point and use this talent for myself, as I did a long time ago and reject others. I was so happy when I broke out of Isolation and was able to bring joy, hope and fulfillment in other peoples lives, to see them develop and leave behind their void. Truth is that there are probably only a handful of people worth investing my heart and soul in... at least that's what I hope. If I would only rely on my experience so far then I would say that I haven't met any of them... except maybe 1 person. During the last 2 months I've lost 3kg, studied hard, stopped to drink and smoke at all. I gamed excessively and from one day to another I stopped because I realized I just hit rock bottom and that if I don't make it through the next months that I will fall into oblivion... maybe for the rest of my life. And it's fucking hard to maintain these changes. And yet,.... after all these experiences I still hoped that anyone that remained with me would help me out... would lend me a hand to get out of my void. But no one came, even when I asked. Sad. Instead I get stabbed in the back again by a person I respected a lot during the last years... during a condition like this. I'm. Fucking. Done. With. People. I always wanted to be the superhero... turns out I have to be the Supervillain to survive through this mess of betrayal and selfishness. Maybe one day things will change and I can open up again but until then I will embrace everything that I am right now and elevate it into something better. I don't believe in people anymore. If you've read through all of this then I wanna deeply thank you. You're a person that reads through my pain and still sticks to it in order to help or learn and that's special. If you struggle with excessive gaming right now then please try your best to stop it, a lot of my pain could've been avoided if I stopped at the right time. But I didn't and learned it the very hard way. I will stop my daily entries for now, I'm definitly out of my gaming addiction, even though it's still present in the shadows but I'm not planning to go back there, ever again. I will probably update every once in a while. Thanks for being with me.

Day 17 Bad day today. Something, initiated by an outer source, happened and drained a ton of willpower from me. Can't expect to calmly go through my plan. I was on a good path to leave everything behind me and remember it in a good light and move on but that's not possible anymore. Not after yesterday. Urges and Doubts are great at this point but I won't give up. This is an unfair battle from now on but one that I can still win. 32 days left. I'm thankful for my family and close friends. Fucking rats.

@WorkInProgress It makes sense, that's why sharing yourself is so important. I've alrwady built a provisional table, I don't wanna let any obstacle stop me from studying. Day 16 I lost a lot of time and focus during the last days due to my emotions and now due to other circumstances but I found back my drive yesterday. Time is running and my day today is practicly gone due to these circumstances, which sucks. I feel like depression is slowly fading. All those things nag on me but I start to identify my emotions and situations and accept my past failure; what I wanna do now is going forward. My goal for today is to set up everything for the next 32 Days so all the possible distractions, that I can influence, are gone. I don't know what I'm thankful for right now.

My word for 2018 will be Mosaic. I guess everyone knows what a Mosaic is, a beatiful picture made out of broken fragments and that's what my year will be about: To create the most beautiful picture I've done so far with all the shattered pieces. I'm looking forward to finally create something that isn't perfect but has its own beauty, even if it's just for me.

@WorkInProgress Thanks for your entry. Felt like quitting journal on an emotional level, even though it's it's a bad idea. Your entry motivated me to stay. Day 15 Today is gonna be shitty day, I feel calm about it though so far. At this evening all that I will have left is an empty flat with a bed and a wardrobe. Won't even have a table lol. I felt like slowly accepting all of this but this feels like a step back in terms of getting over with it because it's depressing. Gonna hideout in the library and learn, it's about time I start. Cleaning up in the evening where it surely will hit me. Not looking forward to this day. Don't know what I'm thankful for right now.