Fagus

Day 45: halftime "You're waking up every single day, so why not just go for it?" In this first half of the detox, I gathered a lot of information and analyzed my current way of life. The only thing I got to do now, is to implement all of this. I'm not sure what is holding me back, but I noticed, that I can shift my mindset into this "go for it" mentality at any time. I learned how to push my fears aside and to get going. I am reading the recommended book "daring greatly" at the moment and that is exactly what I am going to do. I'll dare greatly to go for it, building momentum and thus throwing me into the unknown, the place where life happens. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but the determination to go for it anyway."

Well, what do you think separates you from normal people?

Great goals and really nice to have you here, Josh! We've got your back. What are you going to study?

Welcome TX, nice to have you here!

Day 41: I used my disease to bypass the exam in order to get another half year for preparation. It was quite tricky and I faced a lot of opposition, but I suppose it will work. After all, I was hampered indeed by my illness. Gaming played a big role too, but isn't gaming addiction an illness too? Though this will never be accepted where I work at. The good news are, that my new medicament actually works, so I will really be able to get the most out of these extra 6 months. Today I finished respawn. I found a lot of valuable information in the last chapters. I have to work out and think about a lot of this. I really want to step up my life, so I think about purchasing "the challenge". I told my parents, that I've overcome my gaming addiction, how it affected my life lately and that I want to do my exams half a year later. I thought they would be really proud, because I had a lot of problems with gaming in my youth. Well... my parents were surprised that I was still gaming. They thought I had quit years before. I think the reason is, that they couldn't follow my recent gaming history, because I moved out like five years ago when I started my studies. But they said, that they are happy I made it now, eventually, sounding more disappointed than proud. That really hit me hard. But it made me also realize who I am doing this for. There is only one person in my life that really recognizes what a big step forward I made in these 41 days so far and this person is me. I am doing this for myself and I am proud of myself. I don't need the approval of anyone else. I joined Colin in his freeletics program. It is really a lot of fun and I can feel how much my body needs the workout after years of slouching in front of the screen. Man, I'm so weak. I currently look like a scarecrow. That just means I got nothing to lose, but everything to gain, literally. Like muscles for eample. I had to make a fitness test, like doing some exercises so the algorithm could create the right workout for me. The test made me do 25 sit ups among other things. I struggled a lot. So I told the program that this was too much, to get less sit ups in the weekly workout. Well, turned out that it doesn't work this way. I had to do 25 sit ups again yesterday and 100 crunches today. A hundred crunches. I can't even do 50. So I did a 100 today and almost died. It took me over 14 minutes. But this way I learned how progress works. When you play video games (at least when you dont play pvp), you adjust the difficulty, so the enemy is always as easy to beat as you want. This way you can make 'progress', just by spending time, not by facing and overcoming difficulties. Real life does not work this way. Reality hits you hard, bro. What made me really sad today, is that I miss two of the German guys that started their detox soon after me. I haven't heard anything from -Tom- and Streuselsturm for weeks. I hope they are coming back really soon.

I am impressed by your courageous step towards a new life! I couldn't bear to delete my blizzard account yet. You said, that you are a pastor. What I thought about the last days is, how religion and faith can help in a situation like this. In the bible, there is obviously no hint about gaming addiction, so I asked myself, how would Jesus have dealt with this problem? Do you have any ideas?

That's my problem at the moment. I don't have the guts to expose myself to the internet, you know? Like posting with real name and show pictures of yourself. Afterall, the internet does neither forget nor forgive anything you do. So I give kudos to anyone who does so.

Ok I found you, but what next? My name on freeletics is "Hans Schweinebaer". Though, because I am cautious as every German, this is not my real name.

Well, aren't there any places in this world full of abnormies? I think the bigger a place gets, the higher the chances are to find someone that is like you. That's why living in the countryside with a few ordinary people means the death for most abnormies.

There are over 5000 Colins, how do I find the right one?

I bought the coach today, cause there is a special offer. Let's see how it works

Day 36: I used gaming not only to escape temporarily, but permanently. I almost didn't take part in my real life at all. I hoped everything would settle itself somehow. Well, it should be obvious that it doesn't. The problem is, now that I haven't played any games for over a month, my mind is clear and I realize that the situation is more than dreadful. I had one year of training to prepare for my final state examination. Without gaming, I got plenty of time for preparation now, but the more time I spent, the more I realize how hopeless the situation is. The amount of learning matter I have not even touched and the mountain of knowledge I am lacking is overwhelming and I have exactly 3 days left until the exam starts. I completely wasted this year and this precious opportunity. I am drowning in self-pity and regret. All I want to do know is just game and escape all of this, but I can't, since I know everything would be even worse when I wake up the next time. I know I have to keep going. Just get through all of this, life can change for the better. But the pile of shit I have to go through next is unbearable. I will fail my exam bitterly. I can retry the exam once more after 6 months, but this is not common. This will be so shameful. All my co-aspirants, my instructor, the whole department I worked at this year... this will be a long walk of shame. It will also be shameful for my instructor and the department, cause ther reputation will suffer, since their aspirant failed... this is what burdens me the most. Above all, everyone I know, knows that I have my exams and will ask me how it went. Ah well, life sucks.

Day 35: Today I have been on a fitness trail. On the way home on my bike, I smiled at every person I met. Only one girl smiled back and she was black. Foreigners obviously don't know the German custom of not-smiling.

This is exactly my approach.

If there is a job interview and they ask "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?", what will you answer?

Day 32-34: I've set up a schedule for today and managed to (almost) stick to it. It is way easier for me to be productive, when I can follow a plan. I made progress with my autogenic training. I no longer fall asleep and I can enter the first level of autohypnosis quite easy. Feels comfortable and seems to be necessary, since my body is quite upset when I start practising, heartbeat, breath and thoughts beeing quite fast. I got triggered twice these days. One of my friends asked me, how I get along with my preparation for exams. He already reached max level in the game we played and has gathered some people to play. He wants me to join them. I didn't tell him that I've quit and I don't know yet how to tell him when my exams are over. The mouse I bought for gaming broke, so I gave it back because there was warranty left. I thought they would repair it or give me another one, but instead I got one of those gift cards you can pay with. So today I went into the store again to by an usb stick with the card. I had to go upstairs and there was a huge advertisment for the game I used to play with named friend, directly on the stairs. There were a lot of copies ready to pick up and the price exactly matched the value on my gift card. This had to be a godly sign. So I picked up a copy looked at it, put it back and left the shop. I didn't buy an usb stick neither. Thank god I'm an atheist.

I really like the idea. I once bought a book about bodyweight training, called "You Are Your Own Gym" by Mark Lauren, but I couldn't quite get into it. An app that tells you exactly what to do might be more motivating.

Well Jared, I've read the whole story. I can find myself in some parts. It is nice to have you here. I would say, that we've got your back, but I couldn't figure out why you are here and what your goals are. You realized that life is amazing and worth more than gaming, I assume. You told, that you already made some progress, relapsed and now try to catch up again. Would you try a 90 day detox?

Thank you both for the recommendations. I will check them out.

Day 31: I want to be accepted and appreciated so I try to avoid mistakes. I only do things I know I can't fail at so I am well received. I never tried to overcome any hardships. Now I see, that thereby I deprived myself of so many possibilites to grow In order to learn and grow, I have to make mistakes and expose myself to the chance of failure. It's astonishing how many mistakes I have to make yet. That makes me feel excited and frightened at the same time.

Day 29-30: I finished the first third of the detox. Today I brought myself deliberately into a social challenging situation and succeeded. I resisted a temptation and have been rewarded afterwards and I prevented my self from acting impulsiv in an emotional situation. I am proud of myself and earn the first rewards for my perseverance. Perseverance: Continuing in a course of action without regard to discouragement, opposition or previous failure. French: persévérance Italian: perseveranzaPortuguese: perseverançaSpanish: perseveranciaRomanian: perseverențăGerman: BeharrlichkeitThe sweet sound of German words....

Welcome to the community, Matt! If you want to talk to someone in German, you can write me a message anytime!

Day 26-28: I decided to include autogenous training in my life. I want to learn this skill to deal with my anxiety. Having said this, I laid in my bed and started the first exercise. I failed. I didn't manage to fully execute the exercise and even fell asleep. This happend before and last time I gave in quickly. Fortunately I watched one of Cam's videos before. So I did not expect instant success and instead planned for a long-term commitment. I am determined to start the exercise again tomorrow. And tomorrow I will fail again, just as the day after tomorrow. But I can not fail forever if I stick to my commitment. I will improve one day at a time. The easy to be obtained triumph is the least sweet.

Day 23-25: I thought that to quit gaming is the hardest part about this detox. But actually it is harder to make productive use of the released time. I still keep at it, but setting up a schedule is difficult for me. I checked google calendar but it is not suited for me. It is complicated to set up and I can't make any further use of it, cause I do not own a smartphone. So I picked up the book calender I got from my work that I rarely use. To visualize free time is a powerful tool. The main obstacle is still my exam in about two weeks. Today I managed to sort the whole learning matter into 5 piles and I started the first pile today. To improve my English I am reading a book called "A Game of Thrones" I found at my parent's house, probably left there by my older sister. I look up every word I do not understand and write the English and German meaning on an index card. I do the same for my journal. If you notice any serious mistakes, please tell me, that would help me a lot. A bigger problem is my physical state. I weigh only 68 kg / 150 lbs at the moment at 1,86 m / 6.1 ft. Any workout does not seem to have an effect on me, maybe because I am using steroids since about 5 years. Hopefully I can get rid of them soon. I will spend the rest of the day with a light cycling tour, cooking and some board games with my girlfriend. Let's continue with the baby steps.

@tirEdOrange Thank you for your kind words and your advice! @Reno F The 20 minute focus approach seems a possible solution. I tried it the last days and realized how hard I struggle to stay at unpleasant work. I will practice this the next time and try to stay with that unease. Day 21-22: I've read a lot of stuff on the board these days and maybe I really overdid it. I want to change, but I can not change everything at once. Even the mindset of change may be enough to start with, as I know that there is no way back. My mind is so active, a lot of the time I'm standing in my own way. So yesterday I started my first attempt at meditation. Not doing anything seems better than mindless activity.