Fagus

I've read a summary of Carnegie's book some time ago and foung it really insightful. People like it when you show interest in them and listen to them. But sometimes it is hard to hold yourself back and to show interest. About eye strain: On my Windows devices I use "night mode". I found this really helpful. But it does make me a bit sleepy. I hope you get well soon and that your fever disappears.

Day 12 @Amphibian220 There are games that are just developed to create strong habits to play. You are right in that. But there are also games, that are very complicated and demanding and can make you stop playing after some time. I think that I've played games just to escape and not because of a real addiction. The last days I had the urge to play, but when I thought about the feeling of playing the exact game, it appeared to me rather boring. So I don't actually want to play a special game, I just want to escape my life and get into an environment I can control. But you are right that games do warp my mind and make me emotionally volatile. The last days I realized how much I still have to do for work and university. And I also need to apply for an internship. To answer your question: I have 11 modules this semester and about 1.5 months left. But some of these modules are just projects. So my plan is to finish the projects as fast as possible and then focus in the other modules. It's still a lot and quite overwhelming. But relapsing now would just break my neck. At the moment I just try to accept everything and make one step each time.

I think it is the fear of failing my life, of not being able to function in society and of not finding a job and earn my own living. The healthy activity after revising is doing sports outside, reading or listening to some guided meditation. So far, exercising in the nature has been the most important aspect. Thank you! Day 9 The first 5 days were so easy. I was able to deal with all cravings. The next five days up to now have been only struggle. I feel restless, aggressive and can't concentrate. I have an immense inner resistance against everything in my life. I tried to figure out, what I did different in the first days. And I'm very grateful, that I wrote these poems, since I wrote them during the first days. "All there is to do, is not to turn. Just examine the pain and burn. For the fire is not real For nothing is there to feel, but what you bring with you. That is all I do." In the first days I did not turn away from any unpleasent feeling. Instead I faced it, examined it and I've let it just be as it is. Somehow I forgot this and started to resist all my emotions inside me and the events in my environment. I fell back to my usual pattern of not facing things. And gaming is usually the best way to escape the contact with your life, your feelings and all your problems. That's why the cravings came back.

You wrote that you played very competitive, attempting to get to EU rank 1 in Hearthstone. Maybe gaming the way I intend to, is not possible for you, because you would be sucked in again by the competitive element. On the other hand, this competitive attitude could be used to pull you into some activity in the real world. I like the goal of enabling yourself to feel proud and enjoy your life. Feeling pride in what one does is an important aspect of a fulfilled life. I think I will adopt this goal for my own journey. It is not about forcing things but enabling them to come when they are due.

This is so true. My first week without games was really easy, then it suddenly became almost unbearable. I now discovered, that I started the process of quitting after I had some insights from meditation. These insights slowly faded away, because I was not activley working on it. Now I try to get back to the right attitute.

I really envy your progress. You seem to be very self-reflecting about your current situation and your way forward. I find that impressive.

That's a great first step. Welcome!

It might seem paradox, but the thing is: You want to go back to gaming. What you do not want is “wanting to go back to gaming”. Raising the stakes will not change this, I guess. It will only increase your commitment not to fulfill your desire of gaming. But it will not decrease the desire itself. This way you just raise the tension between your inner desire and your outer commitment. Now you must decide between not gaming (no fun) and not staying true to your commitment (heavy punishment). The only bright spot are the short periods of praise from your wife, your therapist and now your parents. But that is not enough fuel for this journey. Hence, I follow a quite different approach this time. I know of my desire to play and I dislike having punishment as my only motivation. Therefore, I do not intend to quit gaming. Rather my goal is to be able to spend time with certain games I really like. But not the way I would do it now. Not as a way to escape my scary life, my problems, my pain, my insecurity or my boredom. I want to play completely free from guilt and enjoy every moment of it. To do so, I have set my self a period of about 4 month I will not play. I will also not use any stupid substitute like Youtube or Netflix. Because that is not what I really want. Maybe in some month, I have no more interest in gaming, or I see that it does not work for me. But that is ok. I will work it out then. But it allows me to use one of my strongest motivations (gaming) to stop me from doing what I do not want to do (unhealthy gaming). In my mind I have a clear distinction between enjoying my favorite games in a healthy manner and killing my life with games I do not even enjoy (good example is your browser game). This gives me an immense motivation to get “clean” again and repels me from garbage gaming at the same time. The other idea is, not to raise the stakes for relapsing, but lowering the obstacles for overcoming a relapse. After all, it is worse to relapse completely, than to relapse several times but always get back on the right track quickly. Therefore, I do not count my days without gaming, and I intend not to punish myself for relapsing. Because I know that if I do not keep my commitments, the shame and guilt will make me feel so miserable that I will relapse for a prolonged time. Instead, I try to monitor my general progress. Like being able to ride a roller coaster without feeling sick😉

Day 6 It is time, my friend, to show you the mystery, the way to escape this misery. All there is to do, is not to turn. Just examine the pain and burn. For the fire is not real. For nothing is there to feel, but what you bring with you. That is all I do. It is as simple as that and there is no way to forget. What made me suffer, made me flee is not part of reality, can’t you see? @Amphibian220 Thank you for your response. At the moment there are no activities that do not serve a greater purpose. I have 6 weeks until my exams. So there is indeed no time to "waste", and there is no way to ever finish "too soon" or to have excess time (1). Today I had several tasks that were either "hard" or "boring". I gave up several times, but there was no escape. Somehow I can't relapse to games, watch youtube, netflix, porn or do anything like that. There is an intense premonition of the horror that awaits me when I digress into these things. All my tasks will still be unfinished and waiting for me, but I have lost time. To be caught between hard and boring tasks and not even having the possibility to procrastinate was a frustrating experience today. I have goals (passing all exams) that are achievable (I do hope so), great in scale (I fear they are), meaningful and valuable for the basic needs of my community (well, my wife would appreciate it), have intermediate measurable milestones (maybe my learning progress?).

Day 5 Pressure and pain make me play. Shame and guilt then force me to stay. Day after day goes by. Decline I cannot deny. All my dreams and aspirations, turn against me in litigations. Trial I hold over my sanity, why escape from reality?

Life is basically a rollercoaster for you now. Spikes of pride when you delete your Blizzard Account, admit your addiction or sell your Magic Card collection. But at the same time you feel grief over the loss of these things, that were in some way the most important in your life. There is nothing to fill the void that gaming left. Your wife isn't any happier and all the things that made life scary are still here. And the possibility of gaming is also still here, lurking in the background. Maybe you ask yourself if this commitment was a good idea? This forum is quite anonymous. You could just stop writing here and no one could stop you from returning to gaming. If you just hadn't talked to your therapist and wife, you could sneak back to gaming without anyone knowing of your attempt to quit. There is still the option of playing secretly and not tell anyone, like you probably are used to. But that would increase the burden of shame and guilt even further. Shame and guilt which then lead to even more gaming. That's at least how I felt.

Is the flaw not to write every day, not to be satisfied with yourself or not wanting to talk about it? I met my wife during my time at university. She was and still is a very stabilizing factor in my life. So I suppose that a relationship can be either encouraging or harmful. You never know, if this is the only chance to meet the girl of your life. Unless you have a try.

Day 3 It came upon me three days ago melting away like winter snow the uncertainty, the hesitation showing me a destination. From deep suffering, clarity entered my mind of what to do, what to leave behind. This was not the way to go drifting like a leaf in wind's blow. Not how I wanted my life to cease in my quest to find relief. There was no fight no more self-inflicted pain. Clearly I saw the light and what was mine to gain. It is always just this one step on the other side. But so easy to forget so easy to regret. So easy to turn and hide away from the light. But not this time. This time is mine.

Sahar, isn't that the best situation you can get into? I don't know how the army works in Israel, but where I come from, you have to leave your home and live in the barracks with all the other soldiers. So this would be the easiest way to stop gaming, because there you simply cant play games at all. You are constantly occupied with your work, so you don't even have time to think about gaming and there are always people around you who you can socialize with.

@katsudo19 I hear that little voice inside me too. But maybe it will go away, if I can find other things to do than gaming. @Samon Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. @WarrickB Thanks for your word. Maybe I will check out this book you recommended. And good luck with your detox as well. Day 1 This is the first day completely without gaming. I'm a student and also working at university. At the moment, I have to study for my exams in february and meanwhile work on a paper about blockchain. But when I sit down to work, I feel very uncomfortable. I can't sit at my desk and concentrate on my work. I then walk though the appartment, into the kitchen, eat something or browse the internet. I realized, that I have a very high energy level. Usually, I would begin the day with gaming and do breaks for eating, studying and housework. This way I never get rid of excessive energy. So instead of studying, I decluttered our storage room in the basement. I put all the garbage that had gathered over the years into our car and drove it to the collection station. Then I went for a walk. I feel much better now and can actually concentrate on my work. This shows to me, that I need to better manage my energy. I think about joining a fitness club and start the day with some exercises to get a calm start into the day.