Again, hello together!
It's been almost 5 years. I'm still Tom, but now 24 years old.
While things around me changed, I sadly can't state that for myself.
I'm studying computer science, due to my problems not really successfully though.
Gaming is once again, but not the only obstacle I'm facing right now.
My current problems arise around everything that's able to give me a quick dopamine rush.
Therefore it's pretty easy to summarize my last week: Videogames. Binge eating. Porn. On repeat.
I also notice a lot of OCD-ish (not diagnosed) behaviour around washing hands/contamination throughout the day that really is bothering me for over a year now.
Something that I certainly have to get checked by a doctor.
While knowing (and feeling) how bad and draining those activities are for me both physically and mentally, and the reason why I'm back here writing again, is that I can't stop destroying myself.
I'm pretty sure those activities are nothing more than very unhealthy ways to cope with underlying problems I don't wan't to face.
I feel like I haven't become more mature at all since I posted here first, like I'm acting a lot more childish than before.
Comparing my current situation to the one 5 years ago, it's certain to say that I got even worse and miserable.
And it's also certain to say that I will get even more worse and more miserable, and possibly crash at some point, if I'm not able to turn things around.
I just can't waste my life away anymore. I can't continue being that irresponsible. I really can't and don't want to.
So what now?
I mainly want to get back into journaling.
To explore what's going on in my head in order to see what really is going on with me.
I want to hold myself accountable at least for that.
Thank you for reading.