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Pigeon

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  1. Again, hello together! It's been almost 5 years. I'm still Tom, but now 24 years old. While things around me changed, I sadly can't state that for myself. I'm studying computer science, due to my problems not really successfully though. Gaming is once again, but not the only obstacle I'm facing right now. My current problems arise around everything that's able to give me a quick dopamine rush. Therefore it's pretty easy to summarize my last week: Videogames. Binge eating. Porn. On repeat. I also notice a lot of OCD-ish (not diagnosed) behaviour around washing hands/contamination throughout the day that really is bothering me for over a year now. Something that I certainly have to get checked by a doctor. While knowing (and feeling) how bad and draining those activities are for me both physically and mentally, and the reason why I'm back here writing again, is that I can't stop destroying myself. I'm pretty sure those activities are nothing more than very unhealthy ways to cope with underlying problems I don't wan't to face. I feel like I haven't become more mature at all since I posted here first, like I'm acting a lot more childish than before. Comparing my current situation to the one 5 years ago, it's certain to say that I got even worse and miserable. And it's also certain to say that I will get even more worse and more miserable, and possibly crash at some point, if I'm not able to turn things around. I just can't waste my life away anymore. I can't continue being that irresponsible. I really can't and don't want to. So what now? I mainly want to get back into journaling. To explore what's going on in my head in order to see what really is going on with me. I want to hold myself accountable at least for that. Thank you for reading.
  2. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 33 If I think about gaming it doesn't feel like it was a significant part of my live. There are less memories. Now there are thougths about life.
  3. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 19 Again there are fast changes between ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like I don't know who I am. But I'm not willing to stop moving forward. I've started to order the chaos inside my head. Always when some negative thoughts appearing in my head, I speak to myself: "This is only a thought. This is not the reality." Because it makes no sense to speculate all the time about what negative things could happen. I also banned my TV out of my room.
  4. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 15 Yesterday I was at the cinema with lot of friends I didn't saw a long time. I have to say, it was something completely unusual for me to go to some event in the middle of the week. But it was very nice and felt good to see all of this nice people again. Day 16 I'm starting to look less seriously on life. I mean, not in a bad or irresponsible way. It's more like the amount of pressure I always imposed on my shoulders is getting smaller.
  5. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 14 Two weeks since I stopped gaming, sometimes it is kinda scary how time is rushing. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed of what thoughts are jumping up and down in my head. There are so many opportunities, things I can change in my life. But thoughts are only one part of success. If I'm not ready to take some serious actions in and for my life, then there won't be any results.
  6. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 13 Today I got something better than a filter for some sites like youtube. If there is a desire to go to youtube or to browse, I ask myself: "Do you really want this? Or is it just your mind looking for some extra stimulation? Will it get you any further to the person you want to be?" If I do that with seriousness and honesty it can be powerful. There is a big difference between just having goals and to really want to reach that goals. Thanks Cam!
  7. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 12 At the moment it is no problem to do without games or Let's Plays. But, often I catch me watching some other videos on youtube or searching something "important" in the internet. I think there is some simple solution for this problem, tomorrow I will install a filter to block the sites.
  8. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 11 Instead of gaming all night I spent this evening sitting outside with my family and watching the sky. It is kinda fascinating to look the stars and into the space. Problems on earth (and mine) seem very unimportant in view of the endless sky. I think I will build up the telescope the next days.
  9. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 10 I reached a weekend after 5 days of school. Normally I would spend this time by playing or watching some games. So I have to find some activities next to homework to not get bored.
  10. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 9 Already I was on the mood "No, I'm too depressed to write in my journal". But I think it is laziness. And it wont get me any further, so I forced me to write at least something, I will not break the chain. Since yesterday I thought about social anxiety. But, I couldn't find some good reasons why I should be anxious in present of other people. But it is still a part of my everyday life. I can talk to others, but there is always a voice in my head which is telling me "don't make something wrong, don't say something wrong, be nice to everyone". I will make that to my next task, to fight that over-cautious voice.
  11. Pigeon

    A new way

    Already Day 8. I'm getting more effective in doing my homework. I realize it is not that hard to get some more time for myself. There is a new game outside I awaited some weeks ago, and today it was very chellenging to not watch any let's play of the game, but I resisted. I also started my "english word book", every time I see a word I don't know I write it in that book with a translation. Maybe it will help me to improve my english, and to get away from google translate.
  12. That is something amazing I also like, to slow down in this fast times and to see some more details.
  13. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 7, yes! One whole week. At the moment no part of my body, not even my mind wants to go back to the games. I know, that enthusiasm will change in some situations in the future, but I'm very optimistic. Also it feels like some inner tensions released the last days. I'm less anxious while sitting in school or walking outside. And I just want to thank you guys. I know, I'm not a very talkative person and have some problems with sharing my emotions. But it cheers me up every time I see someone has liked my journal or commented on.
  14. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 6 of detox. My mood is getting better, I'm happy that I made it 6 days in a row without games or gaming videos. But, school has startet again and there is already a lot of work to do. I'm also very thankful that I found this community. Since I started with that journal I'm feeling more responsible for my life.
  15. Pigeon

    A new way

    Day 5 I almost was outside all the day so there was no time to think about games, and it was relaxing. I enjoyed the day because tomorrow starts school again, there will be less time to work on myself. So I planned to save my schedule in a calendar to get aware of the free time I will have.