Simon E

Day 72: Still ill, still sick This illness is a real... Dick Shivers and sweat I can't help but fret When there's no fever left here School will be right there Waiting for me. ... Yeah! *roaring applause* thank you, thank you! *cough* Alright, disregard that please - let's move on to real business. Apparently my brain decided that my life was too easy, so today I wandered innocently into the dark neighbourhoods of youtube, and spent 3 hours watching league videos. Yep, I broke my vow. Laying all alone in my couch, bored out of my senses and barely able to breathe, it was bound to happen, honestly. On the bright side I wasn't alone after that; some cravings showed up and offered to keep me company for a while. They're such pleaseant and selfess little things, aren't they? Quick note - I won't ruin this detox attempt, whatever happens. Just so you know. That much is clear. But considering how much new stuff that has come to league, and considering how christmas holidays will arrive soon, I began thinking about playing again after the detox. Yeah I know, moderation is a big fat lie. Yeah, everything will go straight to hell. But... What could go wrong, right? Let's hope those thoughts disappear before I'm done with the detox. Things are looking kinda rough atm (as rough as can be in 21st Century Sweden, which isn't that rough). My body feels weak, I'm falling (futher) behind with all the schoolwork, and as always, I'm fretting about the future and what the hell I'm supposed to do. Is there any hope for me? It's all in my head, I know. I'll bounce back. Stronger after being broken and all that shit, I know. I should make that my motto. I'm grateful for you guys. I hope you didn't get scared away by my attempt at poetry (not everyone can be as good as @flingaas) Good day. (Night)

Good job quitting - that'll prove to be one of the most important decisions in your life. Come here and write every day. We'll read and watch your back. Good luck!

Day 71: @Tatu92 Thank you! I'm improving, slowly but surely. I can almost feel how I'm falling behind with my schoolwork and my personal projects, but honestly? I can't be bothered. There's a big future ahead of me, and in less than a year almost every problem I face now won't matter at all. No need to fret. (If I could just remind myself to think like this all the time - my life would be so much easier) I've been considering the possibility of becoming a cop (sounds silly in English; the word cop paints the picture of fat, narrowminded old guys munching donuts, but whatever). I think I would like the challenge, and that it's just so different from every other job. Nothing's set in stone, but it's an option. If any of you guys have any experience/insights about police work, lemme know. That'll be it. I'll keep resting, and eventually bounce back from this shit. (I slept 12.5 hours tonight, didn't even feel guilty about it when I woke up ) I lack the energy to read/write in any of your journals atm, but I hope that whoever's reading has a good day. Peace.

Day 70: So I actually didn't write here yesterday, for the first time in like forever. Had a fun day sweating and freezing in bed, yay for fever! I've read two books and watched three movies so far; I lack the energy for anything else. Despite the obvious cons it's rather cozy/relaxing to lay in bed a whole day, simply resting and being taken care of. I'm grateful I have people who are willing to. Feeling better today, but nowhere near back to normal. Thanks for the advice @Cam ! That's basically what I'm doing - if it were possible to overdose on green tea I would have already. That's it for today. (and holy shit, there's less than three weeks until I'm finished with the detox????) Hope you're having a good day.

I really like your goals. Challenging but still very much attainable. Also, metal is life.

Overthinkers unite! We musn't let our thoughts overwhelm us! But we can't think too little either... That's not good. What are we without our thoughts? What is a decision without thinking it through? So we should think! But if the only thing we do is think, we'll ruin everything else. Oh no. Abort mission. You get my point. Keep thinking (or not)!

Day 68: Thanks for your encouragement, guys. @WorkInProgress Haven't heard that one before haha, thank you! I'm a bringer of bad news today - I think I'm getting sick. It would be the first time in more than a year though, so I guess I shouldn't complain. It sucks nevertheless. I'll get a bunch of sleep tonight and skip school tomorrow, hopefully I'll be able to defeat the illness before it really kicks in. Not feeling it today, so that'll be it. Hope you guys are feeling better than I am.

Day 67: I'm experiencing conflicting feelings about times like these. On one hand, I feel like curling inot fetal position and begin crying because I have so much to do. On the other hand, I feel alive. Like these days are a challenge, a test; how much am I able to achieve in a short amount of time, how much pressure am I able to handle? It's like I have declared martial law and entered some sort of super saiyan state. (I know we're just talking about school here, and there's worse things than school (gasp - I know, I'm surprised too) such as war etc, but still, lemme exaggerate) I've been studying maths for 4 hours straight now, a feat I'll have to repeat tomorrow; now I'm onto the next assignment. No sleep yet. That my report for the day. Going back into enemy territory now.

Day 66: Argh, school is overwhelming me. I need to get better at completely disregarding how I feel and just do the shit I have to do. If I'm at school and there's only a slight obstacle - me being tired, me being annoyed, shit being difficult - I just shut off and do nothing. This won't work. My time is valuable, and since I'll have to get the schoolwork done at some point I'm simply killing time by doing this. Killing in it's most literally sense. Now I have to study. Which I will do. See you tomorrow, if I survive.

Day 65: Time's passing quickly. How do you make sure to alive amidst all of this life? How would it be possible to stay in the present every moment of every day? I want to be more alive, and less caught up in life. I want to experience all the things I've read about in the thousands of books that has passed through my mind - as a participant. Life is a playground, or nothing. This is true (quote from Mr. Nobody, go watch that movie). I want to view life as a kid might view his playground; as something terribly exciting. I want to love, smile, create, talk - fearlessly, boldly. Something I will have to work on. Do. Tomorrow. Now, sleep.

Vad fan, du svenskarna är galna. Jag har inte sett ett sådant gym här i Finland. Jag har gått på gym och använt ett program som kallas Stronglifts 5x5 med ett par övriga rörelser. Jag älskar både inom- och utomhussport med du är rätt med att det behöver mycket kraft att sporta utomhus när det är riktig kallt. Hoppas att du kan fatta nåt av min svenska som jag förhoppningsvis inte ska glömma helt. Jag tyckte att det var kul att svara på svenska en gång eftersom jag kan. ( Translation by Google translate, sorry I'm lazy: What the hell, you are more Swedish are crazy. I have not seen such a gym here in Finland. I've gone to the gym and use a program called Stronglifts 5x5 with a couple of other movements. I love both indoor and outdoor sports with you are right that it needs a lot of power to go outside when it's real cold.) Tack för ditt svar! Din svenska är bra (vissa meningar kanske är smått skumma men pshh, who cares right? ) Is this where I attempt to write in Finnish? (Spoiler: nope) I've used stronglifts 5x5 too in the past, but now I do almost exclusively bodyweight training, since it's fun and can be done anywhere. I'm kinda happy I live in southern sweden; me and cold have a rather complicated relationship. Props to you for surviving over there!

Good job on bouncing back!

Cold is often a matter of dressing. When you've got many insulating layers, no passages for heat to flow through and your neck protected properly it's actually very pleasant. And tissues of course, if the cold irritates you mucosa. For exercise, do you run or do you do weight/resistance training? (We have these outside-gyms in Sweden, maybe those exist in the Land of the Thousand Lakes aswell ) I've always wanted to exercise only outside and at home (would be alot cheaper), but it feels so... Uncomfortable. Maybe I simply need to grow some balls and get out there.

Hi, I'm new to your journal. Came snooping and stayed when I saw you're a writer too. I've been thinking about participating in NaNoWriMo, but I couldn't get my head around on how I would be able to puzzle all that writing together with all the other (unfortunate) stuff that has to be taken care of in life. I might join the challenge too, then. It probably would be easier with the encouragment (and the competition) from friends. Stay strong - it'll get better. You know it will. Take all the pain the addiction is giving you and transform it into words.

I had the same thoughts a few weeks after I quit. I felt that I spent my days being productive as shit, doing a buttload of stuff every day, bam bam bam, but I didn't have anything to look forward to. I couldn't reward myself with some sweet hours of gaming afterwards. My life felt one-dimensional, and I felt like a robot. That eventually passed though. It might have been because of the wiring in my brain. It's possible that one does not actually need hours of pure "fun", it's simply because of our fucked up brains. Or maybe it disappeared because I began taking the writing seriously enough. I don't know. Also: I like reading the darker posts. They might not put a smile on my face, but they let me get a glimpse into another human being, they let me experience a piece of someone else's pain, and that is invaluable. They are also alot more interesting to read (you should still strive for the happy posts though, I'm just saying.) Wanna end with saying you're not alone. You probably know that already, and you have a girlfiriend that probably provides hella more comfort and consolation than some stranger from the internet, but still. I have a few fucks left to give, and you deserve one of them (please interpret that sentence the right way, lol) Keep fighting.

Welcome to the club, and good job making the decision. You will appear on the other side of this struggle much stronger than you were before, trust me. I like that you have plans and goals - those things are important. Dream big, and do big. Good luck!

Day 64: Another day in the life of me. Today I actually got some studying done, but not as much as I wanted to. Being human means being inefficient. Does it have to be like that? Maybe we should learn from the machines, instead of fearing the day they will take our place. Finished reading the book I started yesterday evening, a good 340 pages. Excellent book. It's been a while since I got my hands on a good, swedish book; I've only been either reading in English or rereading swedish books I know are worth the time. This one reminded me of how much I love reading, and coming across new, exciting stuff. Is it possible for an individual to change the world, on a global scale? To answer this question one might point to Gandhi, or Mandela, or Martin Luther King Jr. But the world is different now, isn't it? I think that we all are able to, or rather, that we all have the potential of being able to change the world. But to do this one must sacrifice everything. Only those who are willing to sacrifice everything can achieve anything. One must decide to never give up. (these words have been used so often that they've lost their meaning, but stop for a moment to consider what that really means. Consider the worst possible thing that can happen to you, and consider what it would take to not give up). Most people are not willing to sacrifice everything; barely anything, in fact. People want to be fit and slim without exercising or quitting the junk food. People freely stay in the prison that is tradition, social laws, government laws, public acceptance. They look down upon the young, burning people with ambitions and dreams and call them naive. It's better to be naive than to have given up, people. Is it wrong of me to be angry at all the people who are content with living their small lives, never raising their voices against the crowd, never taking responsibility, never actually believing in themselves? I want to belive I am able to change the world, but I can't be sure. (The dicussion of whether or not there's any point to trying is another one completely.) This whole paragraph comes off as pretentious and silly, because you cannot translate abstract thoughts into words any more than you can fit a box into a circle-shaped hole. Or any more than you can make a fish climb a tree. Still, I had to write it. The words are merely a blurred reflections of my thoughts and feelings, but that's better than nothing at all. An attempt of understanding my anger, my sadness. Fuck this. I'm going to do something - not just dream and talk, but actually do. I'll dare greatly, and fail greatly if that has to be the case. I finish this incoherent rant by stealing @Laney s thing: I will recklessly abandon all insecurities and expose my true self to the world. I will become immune to the impact of your opinion and stand naked in a crowd of ideas; Comfortable in knowing that while you married the mundane I explored the exceptional.

I've thought about ordering that one too. Mark Manson has a hilarious way with words, and usually he also has something important to say. Let me know if it's any good!

Day 63: Not sure if I should call this day a failure or sucess. I was supposed to study today, but that shit sure as hell didn't happen. Instead, I've been reading (100 pages) and writing (2000+ words). Quite the literary achivement, eh? Most of those words weren't actually on the first draft though; I'm rereading "On Writing" by Stephen King, and he stresses that writing should be spontaneous - inspired play. And so, I had to move away from my strictly planned, precious novel for a while and just write. To be honest, the result was, not exactly better, but truer than what I've written on the novel. It felt more like it came straight from my heart, not ruined or deformed by planning or plot. Like I simply played around, not knowing at all what I would write until after. I want that feel for my novel aswell, so I'll attempt to be less strict and more playful when writing that too. Ofcourse, when I write like that, the result might be a complete mess, or a dead end. That's a downside. Maybe I should come up with some sort of compromise that includes both plotting and playing, so that the journey will be true, but still end in a predestined place. I apologize (not really) for the writer-talk. This is more a way of organizing - and understanding - my own thoughts than it is a journal. But wait, isn't that the exact purpose of a journal? Hmm (You get my point.) That'll be it for today. Thanks for existing guys. I mean it.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. This time you'll be sucessful! I tried to quit gaming for more than 1.5 years, and towards the end I honestly didn't think I would be able to. But I tried one last time, and the rest is history If I could do it, you can too. It's good that you have goals and plans, keep working on them!

Day 62: @Tatu92 Maybe certainty is what I want. If that is the case, I'm doomed, because life is inherently uncertain. Also, you're right that these thoughts are important to me, but they are nowhere close to my deepest, darkest thoughts; those I censor by straict law (we all do, probably). Thanks for your input! @WorkInProgress I actually read that article a couple years ago, just as it had been published, but thanks to you I read it again this morning. It's tremendously helpful, and Mark made me certain of what I thought about pain/suffering; it's inevitable, and so I'll have to choose how I want to suffer. Maybe the idea of a job offering me complete peace of mind is naive. If we, however, suppose it isn't, I think I wouldn't want something like that. We come alive through hardships - when challenged we grow. So I'll stick to writing for now, embracing the struggle, but trying not to add to it. There's no need to make it harder; there's no need to be your own enemy (which I am, sometimes). Today's been a good day. Got shit done in school, got shit done when I got home. I like getting shit done. That'll be it. I need to sleep now so I can get more shit done tomorrow The assumption of time is one of humanity's greatest follies. We tell ourselves that there is always tomorrow when we can no more predict tomorrow than we can the weather. Procrastination is the thief of dreams.

Day 61: Thanks for your inputs, everyone. @gloriousclover Yeah, I am at that point now; it's easy. The devil knows it hasn't been that way before - cravings were my biggest enemy. But given time, they fade away, become powerless. @Cam Adair Yep, time to double down. Not sure how to do that with creative activities though... (Which is basically all I do) About that. Being a creator hurts. I'm beginning to think that suffering is an inseperable part of every creative field out there. You cannot produce something out of nothing without risking pain; what if people won't like what I've created? What if I don't like what I create? There's also the pain of not knowing; what is the right way of doing things? How do you uncover everything inside of you? Sometimes it feels like your mind is working against you. If you depend on a creative activity for your living, you need to produce stuff. Suddenly, there's a hint of hurry, of extra pressure, in the equation. I like playing guitar, and drawing. I love writing. But is the pain worth it? Constantly thinking, doubting. Constantly having to create. Will I be able to handle that all my life? Perhaps it gets easier. I really need to take a step back and consider these things. The simplicity of a normal job, the peace of mind that comes with it, does have a certain amount of attraction. You do your thing for a x hours, get paid and then go home. You leave everything work-related behind you. This won't work if I wanna become a writer. On the other hand, will I manage to stay sane when working as something normal? Not being able to pour my soul out, create amazing things. Maybe it is worth the risk. Maybe I should embrace the suffering. I don't know. I'll have to think about this. If you have any insights, let me know. That's it for me today. Kinda low, probably because of too little sleep, and to much time writing/fretting over the story. (I need some distance from the writing, but that wish is paradoxical, since writing needs to come from my very core, and there's no way of distancing yourself from yourself. Right? Abort mission. I'll stop confusing myself.) Night.

Day 60: Wohoo, two thirds of the detox completed. Seems like I've actually got this shit. Who would've thought? I think I experienced a craving earlier today. It's been so long since the last one I've forgotten how they feel. There was this sinking feeling in the stomach, and a sudden burst of energy; my body telling me to run to my computer. It wasn't strong though, and I didn't follow up on it, of course. It served as a timely reminder that the danger hasn't passed yet. Will we ever be free from the threat of cravings? Maybe not, but that's not negative. We carry our scars with us, reminders of the struggle we went through. (Sounding overly dramatic, but hey, thats my thing. If you don't like it, the door's over there.) Had the concert a few hours ago, and it went well, I suppose. I'm sad that I didn't begin playing guitar at a younger age, but whatever. I'm only 18, so I guess I still have time. Still writing and thinking about the novel. I mean, I have a solid story, but it feels like there's something lacking. Depth. Twists. Hmmm. I'll have to brainstorm. (And are there any better music than this for coming up with those deliciously dark ideas? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=91i7tXtB0fk ) Also, thank you @Piotr and @hycniejsy. How many words do you aim for every day? And what do you write? That'll be it for me today. If you're not with me, then you are my enemy

Everything alright over there in Norway? Missing your journal reports! /neighbour

????? What is wrong with you? Jokes aside, keep that good work up.