Ace92

Damn today i just felt numb i felt like i ruined a different friendship that there were faults on both sides with and now i don't know if it's the right move to leave or continue because it's always been kind of a rocky friendship one of my good friends got cancer, they're only a couple years younger than me and they've already had cancer twice I just wish I was able to do more to help them than just supportive words or small gifts I wish I made decisions that wouldn't have fucked up the friendship i mentioned in the first paragraph. I don't even know if it's alright to apologize at this point because I've apologized before and he only gives second chances. then again idk if i should continue in the friendship Games aren't even a concern at this point, Im so numb I can't decipher the distinctions between different emotions I wish i did things differently, done better

These all sound like strong goals for this year. Wishing you the best! ace

My life is slowly getting better I cut off a toxic friend and I am reaching out to new ones. I am back at college for the spring semester and I am getting worked knocked out as soon as it's assigned - i love it Listening to less music and introducing more podcasts I am reading more Tonight I am going to a paint a chill session with one of the clubs on campus and I am going to meet new people I am saving more money because I am cooking I could not be happier

Want to get more into art, reading and outdoor activities as hobbies for art, i hope to explore drawing more, do stuff with acrylic and water color, and clay reading is self explanatory and outdoor activities I'm thinking of photography, biking, camping, and snowboarding all of this along with keeping a healthy routine

Yeah that's why I want to lengthen my attention span because everyone living in this world is impatient, but no one likes impatient people, additionally, the world itself, society as a whole is not fit for fast paced movement. A lot of things and hobbies are much better when you soak in the moment, furthermore the slower you go, the better things will work, like your teaching example. The student appreciated you because you focused on helping and educating them for the whole period, rather than resorting to a digital device during the lecture. Also thank you for your note on relapsing, I guess I was mad at myself because I always want to be in control of things, situations to turn out the way i picture or want them to turn out; I always want to win and be right, so when that doesn't happen or I fail, I blame myself. I need to understand that everyone loses or fails, mistakes happen, I get embarrassed, that's life. I won't get everything I want and that's okay. Things won't always turn out the way I expect them or happen in my way. Thats okay too. My grandparents (dad's side) were telling me about stubborness today because I get it from my dad's side of the family. My dad used to be stubborn and always talk back to his father. My grandfather was stubborn and my grandfather's mother, was stubborn. They said this is something we will deal with our entire lives, it's not necessarily something we can improve. So, I guess if I notice myself getting annoyed at a small thing being unfair (what I find most things to be when they don't go my way), if I'm getting heated, or I want to lash out when I lose, I will try to take a step back before saying something. Maybe that will help. Anyway big take away for the day is that conversations with real people is much more fulfilling that fake/virtual people. I thank God for family Best, Ace

Unfortunately I ended up relapsing and I am mad at myself for it. I have this whole world, this beautiful world richly filled with life, wonder, curiosity; negative emotions, anger, anxiety, sadness, confusion; exciting moments, happiness, epiphanies, education, culture, and I'm missing out on it all by playing video games. No, life isn't going to be all la-di-da sing a song fairy tale, awful, sad, unfortunate, unjust, and traumatic things will happen, and it sucks but the struggles is what makes life, life. If it was so easy to get what I wanted and I was able to do it without problems, then there'd be nothing to talk about, life would be kind of boring. I'm not trying to glorify trauma or horrific experiences, but struggle and success go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. I have an idea of why I relapsed. First it is due to my stubbornness/anger. I have more stubbornness than anger, but they correlate. My stubbornness is so extreme that if something doesn't go the way I planned, I don't win, or something isn't done in the way I pictured it to in my head, I get heated very quickly. An addition of this stubbornness is that once I find what I enjoy doing I don't want to try anything else, frankly I hate change. I don't want to go on new adventures because something might go wrong and I'm not used to the experience. As a result I don't want to do it because whatever the outcome may be, I didn't plan it to happen. For specific hobbies like reading or writing or just keeping a consistent schedule, part of what's restraining me is my stubbornness. Hatred of change means I don't want to lose my old ways forever so after a few days I go back to them, but additionally my attention span is so short, I am so impatient. What has caused this is phones and social media. On the way down to DC today I was listening to a book called 4000 weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. In it he mentions that because our attention spans are so short the reason we stop reading a book to take a break 1 paragraph in or so is not necessarily because we don't want to read it's because the digital era has made things like news, music, food, movies, what have you, so easy and "convenient" to access that we forget what it's like when things weren't convenient. He goes on to question what's the best way to manage time, convenience, or enjoyment of all the small steps in the process? I need to work on my stubbornness and train my mind to become more patient, increase my attention span and become comfortable with some inconvenience. Because I just read one chapter of a book about Buddhism and it was so fascinating, much more interesting than a screen. I also showered, and sang in the shower for the first time too which was a confidence booster. Furthermore I am getting more confident that my acne is getting better. All of these things are leagues better than staring at digital media. There's so much to do and learn in this world and I'd hate to miss it, so I am going to do my best and really focus on the small enjoyments, push myself and try to live in the present. Best ace

Thank you for your comment Ikar, I guess it doesn't need to be an on campus job, I just stressed that because it would be easier to access for me, but anything would give me experience. Also, you're right on the information idea. In my previous post I was just thinking in particular about topics that can be debated or interesting. Both reading and Google can provide information, but as you said, most of these debatable topics isn't really focused on where you got your info rather than how one wants to perceive that and make it connect in their own context; what they deem most important. Thursday, January 11th, 2024 - Day 5 I will keep improving my life Made cookie brownies and BBQ chicken tonight Gratitude: Cooking - allows me to relax in a productive way, while feeling good about myself because I'm making the food instead of ordering out, and connecting with my mom God - for giving this world Beds - for allowing me a nice place to unwind and fall asleep Best, Ace

Wednesday, January 10th, 2024 - Day 4 I can't tell you how sad, depressing and boring it is to lay around all day. I didn't relapse I just laid in bed and didn't get anything done. Never want to do this again I did make spaghetti and meatballs with my mom Here's to Thursday Gratitude - Cameras allowing me to take pictures of things Soap allowing me to wash dishes Pajamas for keeping me cozy Best Ace

Been recently thinking about how there's no value in me personally being on the internet. Google can help me access a ton of sites and information with the click of a button, but I can access the same/similar information reading a book on the topic. Additionally there is a lot of misinformation nowadays, and most thoughts are people thinking for you. Social media sites, Reddit, Discord, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and SnapChat, provide no value. Yeah you can see life updates from your friends, but you can also call those friends, or write them a letter asking them how they've been. Discord especially aren't real friends anyway, and those dating apps, don't get me started on them. I used YouTube and Spotify to feel inspired and connect with people because at the time I didn't feel I connected with anyone and I didn't have many friends. I still don't have many friends, but again those people, the celebrities I would watch and follow, my favorite bands, they are real people, but they have no idea who I am, so it's not a true connection. It's not something that has long lasting value. I am only going to use the internet for schoolwork (whatever it is they have me access) and journaling here. I will record what happens. I hope this will make me a more 3-Dimensional, productive, confident individual. As I will be thinking for myself, reading more, and I will have so much more time to get the things I want accomplished, accomplished. Best Ace

Yeah, I have to remember this as I think about exiting my comfort zone Tuesday, January 9th, 2024 - Day 3 Getting some hobbies down nicely. Praying in the morning and reading the Bible is becoming a routine, washing my face is going nicely, and got farther on my drawing. Everything is clicking nicely. Still want to introduce Photography, writing, reading, hiking and stargazing Cooking and baking is going well. Tonight we made nachos Drove to the market today to buy groceries Felt a bit of shame today. Thanks to gaming and streaming music, I wasted a lot of my earned money. Being on discord also made me lose a lot of money I earned from jobs because the people I was chatting with would only talk about 3 things, fast food/doordash, Jordans (Nike sneakers) and video games. I fell into this syndrome of always following what they did even though I knew it was bad, and so I lost a lot of money on doordashing and I regret it. The shame continued when I realized I won't be able to get a job on campus next semester to earn a little bit of money, the only thing I can rely on is hopefully getting an internship this summer to gain experience and make money. My mom and brother said not to worry about not getting an on campus job because I'll get an internship, but idk how to secure one without networking, to which they replied "career services will help with that." This kind of calmed my nerves, but I'm still bummed and mad at myself that my bank account is low due to games. Anyway Here's to Wednesday Gratitude: -Cars for taking me places -Shovels for helping me dig things out of snow -Drawing for being relaxing and fulfilling Best, Ace

Monday, January 8th, 2024 - Day 2 Today was a much slower day than yesterday, had some major urges to relapse, but I held on thanks to the photography pictures Wildermyth posted in their journal. Most of my day consisted of finishing my laundry. I cooked rice and beans with my mom, and I decided for a hobby I would get back into drawing. I doodled a quick sketch that I will be fleshing out tomorrow and then making a finished draft, then hopefully painting it. I don't imagine drawing/painting to become a career or anything, just something I like doing. I noticed while writing this, that everything is so mundane. I think that's a result of getting rid of that instant gratification, yet I'm still craving it. Not necessarily from video games or discord, but from other hobbies. I have to remind myself that most hobbies will take time to really master and it's not as easy to gain satisfaction from it as pressing buttons on a controller. I have to go through the hard process of trying, failing, trying again, failing again, adjusting, relearning, then trying again. It's not going to be at the snap of my fingers, it's going to take months. I have to remind myself of that, and learn patience. While it's tedious, that's where the happiness and satisfaction comes from. Looking back and being able to say "I did that." When that moment comes around, hopefully everything will be second nature to me. I do want to find more hobbies I can try centered around the outdoors. Note to myself: not everything has to be this big thrilling adventure. Here's to Tuesday! Gratitude: - God for helping me recognize some things I want to do and helping me learn more things - Mom once again showing me how to cook - Showers and acne medicine for helping clear my bad acne outbursts Best, Ace

Wow! These are absolutely stunning, amazing work. Yeah, I definitely will start exploring it. Additionally, as you said it gets me out of the house. I don't have enough money for a proper camera yet, but I think starting with my phones camera, even though it's not the best, could be fine, as long until I have enough to buy my own camera.

That's awesome! I want to possibly explore this as a hobby myself. Happy for you.

Sunday, January 7th, 2024 - Day 1 Was an awesome day. I started the day off waking up naturally, rather than trying to force myself to wake up at a time I know my body isn't acccustomed to yet (6:00-7:00am). From there, I read more of the Bible, I am currently in Exodus right now. My fears about cooking were calmed as I sent my mom my cooking list on Saturday, and she said she'd work on it with me. Most of the day was spent cooking and baking. I learned to make bacon, angel food cake, sugar cookies, and homemade soup. On Monday, we are doing rice and beans, and we have the rest of the week planned out for what I want to learn. Started laundry too, while I always did laundry when I would play games, I would always wait until the point my laundry basket was overflowing, and if I ran out of outfits, I would always wear ones that were already in my dirty pile (I wore them before), which is disgusting. I'm noticing that I am slowly becoming more efficient with it and actually enjoying it somewhat, instead of dreading it. We recieved snow! Due to climate change our area doesn't see as much heavy snow or as frequent as we used to, so it's always exciting to see it happen. I helped my dad out by shoveling the back walk and deck while he did the driveway and dug out the cars. Overall a pretty good day. I avoided video games, and while I still used my phone from time to time I noticed I got my screen time way down. Last week I averaged 10h 1m on my phone, for the whole week. The week just started, but my day end screen time was only 3h and 10 minutes. Still longer than I'd like. I'd like to only be on my phone for 1-2 hours, but it's still a major accomplishment. Thank you for your post @BooksandTrees! One thing I noticed during my sleep last night is this constant fear that if I fail or branch out to meet people, I will eventually be laughed at or teased. I think this results from the fact I was bullied in primary school, all the way to high school. I keep having visions that if I try to make more friends, they'll find out about my past and not want to be friends with me, or the friendship will fail. This is an unrealistic expectation. People won't know who I am or what my past consisted of until I bring it up to them. They will not tease or make fun of me because everyone fails and makes mistakes. If I let that fear of failure have power over me, I think I won't become comfortable with myself. Friendships can fail, but people come and go, I won't stick with the same people I initially bonded with, so I should always try to branch out. I eventually decided I would try out the reading, French, film, and crafting club. I will see if I like any of these and see if I bond with the people there. If so, I will continue to go to meetings. Here's to Monday! Gratitude: - Mom for showing me how to cook - Mother nature for making it snow - God for creating this earth and allowing me to see each day. Best, Ace *P.S. I downloaded Discord again, just to see what was going on, and the first thing I noticed was I told myself "This is boring. Why did this interest me? There's no point to this," and I deleted it right after. Same goes for music, I thought, "this doesn't add anything," and closed out of the app and deleted it. I think I'm finally coming to my senses.

Thank you, you're right, finding a group of people who share the same interests and hobbies you are into can help build new connections as well as the new hobby. I will keep this in mind for the different hobbies I want to start. I am in a horrible state right now. I have this world that is full of things I can learn and I decided to waste it by staring at screens. I have so much too do, so much to learn and I only have a short amount of time before I return to school. I'd like to learn how to cook different foods, so I can actually utilize the kitchen in my on campus apartment, I need to refresh on math and French, and I need to keep practicing guitar, and search for internships. I don't know how I'll invest in the cooking because I'm not stable financially to pay for food in this climate. Additionally, every time over this 1 month, 2 week break, I told my mom I wanted to learn how to cook, let's cook something, she has said, okay, but nothing has come of it. It's been about 2 weeks since Christmas and she has not been to the market a single time. There's barely anything to cook with in the house. I'm also in a drag because I finally decided to quit Discord. Now that that's gone, I literally only have one friend. I am hesitant to join any clubs on campus because I am not good at or don't know how to do the hobbies/activities they represent because I've been playing video games my entire life. Also I know there are some people I'm not fond of in some of the clubs. I don't have any friends, but I don't know how I can go about making more, everything is just so lonely. Ace

I noticed that I struggle the most with consistency. I have to have consistency in other areas of my life, for example, I need to order the exact same thing at each restaurant because I don't want to branch out. However, I just can't seem to get it down for hobbies, I try it for one to two days, then give up on it, again labeling it as boring. I guess I fear every day will become a slough without any excitement if I just do the same hobbies over and over again, I have to learn that the hobbies are the excitement. Getting farther in that book, getting better at Guitar, running farther, what have you. I just don't know how to connect that mindset with my brain. Any tips?

I've made the decision. While gaming has been a big part of my life, being the way I've made most of my friends, I don't want them any longer. Not that I'm dissatisfied with them, but because there are so many other activities I want to do in my life, one of them being, major improvements on my social life. Most people at my college, don't even play video games, they do other hobbies, like music, knitting, hockey. If I actually attend these events and clubs, I will make possibly life long friends. Additionally, there's other media out there that tells stories, that being books or movies. I played today, but overall it was a productive day. Today I: - Helped my mom out with cleaning up the outside of the house -Worked out -Cooked myself a healthy brunch (Scrambled eggs, toast w/ butter, and an avocado) -Drank water - Attended a Church carol sing-along event and saw familiar faces - Watched some more Attack On Titan Some things on my agenda tomorrow include: -Have my resume reviewed -Finish my internship application -Complete some Christmas shopping -Attend 3rd week of advent Church service An improvement would be reading, getting back into coding, and getting to sleep on time Bless, Ace

It's amazing how often we take the small things for granted. Sure, a big moment/event can make or break a day, but learning to cherish those small moments, good or bad, is a big part of life too. In my previous attempts, some days I would tell myself, "wow, barely anything happened today." Yeah, we do have some days where nothing happens, and that's okay, but often I would be overlooking the small details, always expecting something big. I'm going to try to do a better job of appreciating these moments.

It's interesting to me how the things we used to label as "boring" as gamers, turn out to be some of the most fascinating, engaging activities. Just another thing that shows that games hypnotize you and aren't as important or engaging or even fun as they make you think.

Day 1 Solid day - disappointed myself at the end by turning to youtube while eating dinner, which ended up taking a longer time. I noticed that when watching videos you eat much slower than you normally would, at least i do, and that wastes a lot of time. Tomorrow I'm going to try eating all my meals as if I were surrounded by friends (in some cases i actually might be and in those moments i don't use my phone) and see how it feels. Today was nice though because I'm very close to figuring out my roommate situation at my apartment, I ate lunch with friends and I managed to code, learning basic python. I have to say, I've only done a couple of lessons but it's so fascinating. Improvement for tomorrow: Meditate, No youtube - or try to limit it Get to bed before 10:00 pm - with no phone for an hour or two beforehand Gratitude: God friends sweatshirts Bless, Ace

Hi, I want to make clear, I'm not cutting off my friends, I just need to put less of my dependence on them. I was focusing so much on the relationships that their absence in a moment or their presence would determine my happiness. This isn't always a bad thing but it was happening in an unhealthy amount in my case. Not cutting friends off, but focusing on myself more. Bless, Ace

Sounds like you're off to a great start in reducing your video game usage. Audiobooks/books/podcasts are also something i want to look into. Do you have any idea of which ones you'd want to listen to? Bless, ace

Hello there, I have decided to delete my old journal as I didn't feel my goals lined up with my current ones. Reality is, I don't want to quit playing video games. I know I have them under control now where I can play in moderation. They're not a necessity, but a fun hobby I enjoy engaging with. The issue I'm struggling with most is YouTube, but honestly I only use it when I'm eating or when I am tired and don't want to do anything else, a downtime activity. The reason I'm here however, is that YouTube still takes up a lot of my screen time, since it forces me to go on my phone. I don't want to remove it completely, but I also want to replace it with other things and turn to books or podcasts instead of YouTube. Additionally, I noticed I was getting upset. I discovered that I was depending so much upon others for happiness that I was still investing energy into my break up. Friends, significant others, they come and go, so i can't have my happiness depend on them, it needs to come from me or family. That's why I'm here, I want to build a life where I can wake up most days and say, "I'm excited for today" or I am content in most situations. I want to live fully in the present rather than worrying about the future. This will be no small feat, and I won't accomplish this quickly but let's take a look at the things I want to do. Fix my sleep schedule: Wake up each morning at 6:00 AM, and in bed sleeping by 10:00 PM, with no screens prior for 1-2 hours Read, read, read: classic books, non-fiction, memoirs, fantasy— i want to read it all Meditation: studies have shown it's beneficial for sleep, mental health, and mindfulness exercise/working out: this time i actually want to learn what my body type is and what food and exercises I should do to grow muscle and weight. Until then, basic lifting and cardio [running/walking] will suffice. Foreign languages: I want to communicate and learn about different cultures so someday I can visit them and connect with locals—i hope to learn French, Spanish, and Japanese Instruments: I love listening to music, so this is a no brainer, I want to study different genres of music, learn music theory and be able to read it. Additionally I want to learn Guitar, drums, piano, violin, cello, saxophone, and improve my singing voice. Dancing: I want to get better at it Cooking/baking: I see my friends sometimes or on Instagram, bake all these tasty foods, and it's an essential skill to learn. The only foods I know how to make currently are eggs and pasta. I need to learn more Painting/drawing: another downtime activity Coding: I want to learn python, Java etc. These are a lot of goals, I may be too ambitious. So I'm only going to focus with one or two as of now. But I have genuine interest in all of these and I think I'll be able to narrow it down to two or three hobbies once I learn what I like/dislike. For the rest of December I'll be focusing on meditation, working on my sleep schedule, and learning to code. My goal: satisfaction/happiness—at least most of the time Bless, ace

Good to hear you're making great progress! Where are you getting those graphs from? They've piqued my interest. Best, Ace

Those pictures are beautiful! I've always wanted to get into fishing more. Perhaps I will try it as one of my hobbies. Interesting thought. I listen to music almost everywhere I go, it serves as a way to calm my brain and anxieties down. This made me think about how music isn't needed everywhere. Maybe I should try to just listen to the atmosphere and sounds around me. Keep up the good work! Ace