LostRiver

ITAA afternoon meet, I know quite a few people in this meeting: “Be the best I can be”, this voice telling me I need to work on myself – focus on living my life instead Overwhelmed -> get back to tech to feel comfortable. Emptiness, what am I to do with all this time and this life Don’t try to do everything at once. Prioritize. Keep praying. Keep working the steps. It works if you work it. You are not alone: community, Higher Power Letting go of the fear of never being able to financially fend for myself: I’m afraid that I will never be able to find a well-paying job, to save enough for a house, to start a family, to find a partner, to take care of my parents, my family in old age, etc This is tough, may Higher Power help me!

Thank you so much @Yan and @Captain_Pilz for your concern. And by "play" and "game" I do mean work. I have found a sales job that I like and sometimes, I find it like playing a (sports)game. If I want to feel fulfilled at work, I understand that I need to learn the job, network, adapt fast, etc. And I would love to: the better I am at my job, at serving people, the better I enjoy my work. Hence the motto "Learn to play". But also, rat race, competition turning into envy, politics, money, greed => sometimes I forget to take care of myself and prioritize work => relapse That is why I have learned the lesson to let go of work and not turn it into an obsession. That being said: I failed so many times, I am obsessive, I ((was)) a workaholic, I am insecure about my income, my future, I am always afraid that I will be unable to take care of my parents in their old age, etc => relapse (tech) alot.

Did not make it daily, but almost lol. BIG Trigger today: I had a pretty good day at work but got overwhelmed coming home and started binging on my phone again. This is quite often as I need to find the "next big thing" in my life always! As a result, my life is full of stress and fear. Need to learn to drop it off at the door and stop treating work like my second life. I still live this double life: I am energetic, determined, fast, passionate at work. But I am litteral husk at home: relapse, overeat, sleep at bad time, eat fatty food, no friends, etc. I haved learned that as long as this goes on, I am on track to self-destruction again. Work needs to be extension of my life, not otherway round. Learn to play. Let the game add to my life, not add my life to the game.

Thank you tho. I understand. Just drop by and tell me: hey there are stuffs that work (for you) or you think that works. I may not try it but at least I still have hope that there are things that work!

What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me? (cont) - That I still deserve good in this world. I was bad a person when I used: aggressive, mean, callous, manipulative, extreme, deadbeat, etc - a yelling asshole to be short. I hurt people and damaged their livelihood. People with children lost stability in life because of me. I never showed up for my family. I know my addictions also tell me I'm a piece of shit deserving of death. But what if I actually do? Not by law. But by life itself, where everybody just tries to get by while I so destructive. Do I deserve forgiveness too? - That I need to make amends. I'm afraid that people hurt me or take advantage of me when I admit my wrongs. - Distance from you: that I can measure my distance from God/ my higher power, from inner peace, my measuring my distance from everyone around me. I have seen people with some shit in their head. What if silly little me get mixed up in thier crazy stuffs? I sympathize. I really do. But I have been living inside my addiction for long enough, I barely know how the world works. I can't even manage my life. How can I connect with people while avoiding their bullshit???

I want to drool over your work ethic coupled with balanced life (and on top of all that sobriety!): but this is something that awes me the most. As a game + tech addict, I always need some dopamine by the way of gaming of browsing stuffs on my phone. I find it really really hard to "zone out" without cravings. I almost do not know how to naturally zone out I guess haha It's always good to see the Moderator keeping his life together while having fun 😁

ITAA meet, suprisingly good one - most crowded parking lot ever: - My (sober) feelings suck (loneliness, anger, bitterness over loss, envy, etc) but if I run back to using ("soothing" as it may seem) I will miss out on the good stuffs as well (gratitude, connection, sympathy, etc) - thank you emotional lady Tiffany for this revelation. - Step 8: it will be hard to forgive myself for the damage I have done to myself - Don't wait until everything is "right" to do the good things - Fake interest: tech use can attract me into watching "cool stuffs" but they are not hobbies, I have never done and possibly never will do them. - Sometimes it is hard to see an addiction as an addiction - My top line sucks, I have no idea what my sobriety looks like

I just discover MIT Opencourseware recently. People do say that it cannot replace a live course but I still think it ís really cool Watch out for this stuff man. When I go to gatherings for addicts, I have met a guy who quit hard drugs (narcotics) only to fall into sugar addiction. Guy I met was shredded but said he got so hooked on sugar, he ate marshmallows for breakfast - just down packs after packs. He was travelling and was bored a lot so eating gradually became a "hobby" for him. This can be seen as cross-addiction so it can be dangerous. I do suggest putting countermeasures against this as just like with video games, will power alone is not enough!

- The price to pay: being in addiction for too long, I seem to have forgotten that there is a price to pay. Also I seem to be in denial that I can somehow control the damage of using. As long as I believe there is still more high/ more peace/ more joy from gaming/ abusing tech - then I have a "backdoor" open right to addictions. - I am delusional: I alter my vision and the way I see the world to adjust to my damage.

What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me? (cont) - That abstinence means more than finding things to do "fill in" the time slots taken over by gaming/ tech use. I am kinda afraid of this. It means I need to construct my life, to live a life that I want to live. But all I have is videos games and tech use. I begin to remember, very clearly, how happy and peaceful my gaming/ tech abusing experiences were. I remembered how I felt playing this game/ binging that show, etc. When I abstain and am sober, I can't even live with myself. Or just feel like crap in general. - Faith in my higher power: heard someone said that this faith is tied to results as well. I pray that I get A, I do the work then I get A. Now I mostly pray for the strength to not relapse, and then I relapse anyway. I realized that praying gives me a lot of humility and peace and calmness and hope for future. But secretly I'm afraid my connection to higher power is not enough to get me out of my addiction. - 12 years in 12 years out: I spent 20+ years being addicted, living inside of my addiction. So as a result, I can take up to 20 years for me to be .... (lost for words, do not know what I am expecting). I guess to be able to live with myself. To be myself and at the same time, at peace with the everchanging world. I'm scared of poverty, I'm scared of low social status, I'm afraid of not being able to take care of my parents in their old age. I'm SO SO afraid of "not making it" before they are gone from this world.

CGAA meet: - If I do not work the steps AND have a sponsor, I abstain but I am not in recovery. - Two things to do: create obstacles to using and learning to live with myself in sobriety. Boredom sucks, facing my blackhole of a life sucks - Leisure (porn, drinking, hang out) is different peace - Learn/ notice what gives you peace, keep you strong and alive, at peace - Getting just a simple "Thank you for your share" and no cross-talk is good. It does not turn my share into a performance, I do not get any pity/ praise/ attention out of sharing. - When cravings come: ask self - what can I do in the next 5 mins to stop myself from playing???

I never did see it this way. I guess poverty/ hustle culture got me into think that if my "productivity" drops, I lose my value as a human being. I'm reading as a hobby too but it's slow as I still use my phone a lot. Really hope you share more about Atomic habits, the book seems real popular around here

Three longgg days at home without cravings or relapse is worthy of a milestone, congrats!

What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me? - That life is better during recovery and once sobriety is achieved, life is transformed, completely better than within the walls of addiction. I should stop to notice, I love and enjoy life much more. I always thought that once I am healed, I can start to catch up, to make up for the parts of my life lost to addiction. I never realize that I'm building a life that I never had, I'm fill the void create by my addiction with love, compassion, passion, open-mindedness and honesty, etc. - That my life has not been wasted. Fellow members say that they been through their shit so that they can help others who go through the exact same shit during addiction. It is as if the lower the bottom, the better the peace. All I feel is shame for even being in addiction. I envy those who do not know the terror, the insanity, the cagey feelings, the relapses/ withdrawals, self-hatred, burnout or just straigth up physical pain. I only know self-consciousness. I see myself apart from others always, for I know I have the mark of addiction. I'm always afraid of when people find out. - Need to add more to burn away the reservations.

Spiritual Principals - Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery? No, I do not notice. I have been living life with love, with confidence and with assistance for my loved ones and sometimes, others. I never realize that this is freedom. I guess I do not appreciate the freedom of my sobriety that much. I begin to be honest about my relapses: If I cross my bottom lines, no matter how little, I acknowledge. I acknowledege my defects and try to ask for help and assistance to overcome them: at work and in life. I cannot do so 100% and some days, grief, greed and envy (of others carefree life untouched by addiction) hurt me badly. I also try to be honest about 12 years in, 12 years out. I have been an addict for more than 27 years. I expect to spend at least that much to heal. With hope, the path my be shorter. But otherwise, 12 years in, 12 years out. I am honest about who I am at work. My ability (and hence my income) is limited. My body and my soul told me that there is now a limit on how much I can devote to work. Burn out again and I risk some grave danger that I do not comprehend. A suicidal meltdown perhaps I have to admit: I cannot see my life in the coming years at all. It's not like playing video games or browsing on my phone: nothing curated, nothing 100% by my will, no next to go up, no curated content, etc. But I do not have to. I trust that I am enough and my Higher Power will guide me so I can provide for myself, my family while being of service to those who are in need.

Thank you for the kind words!

Congrats! It sounds like you had an amazing day taking care of yourself, loved one and living life!

Thank you for sharing this with me man. I was at my bottom line so I felt like crap and cannot fight the dispair alone. Really hope I "make it" and show them when they can still enjoy it.

ITAA meet - Signs of a functioning addict: self-neglect, unable to surrender/ change, double life - Some days I will make excuses to not come to meetings: time spent in meetings is NEVER WASTED. I don't have to abandon any responsibilities to join meeting. As I listen to people's sharing, I can learn and reflect and take accountability and recover. - My default mode is trying to do things alone and not/ unable to ask for help. Then when things fall apart, get upset and go back to using. I should accept myself, ask for help at work, in life and attend regular meeting + get a sponsor to find a safe space to look at my defects and address them. Be with loved ones help too. - Step 6: my defects weaken me with their demands. My grief of wasted youth, squandered opportunities never stop yelling at me to go fix the past. Of course I cannot. Thus I go back into using/ binging. I need to remember that I cannot even change my life now, and I need to turn my life over to 12 steps and my Higher Power.

My parents must know that I am an addict. They still love me and dote on me. Their love scares me to death. How can they love someone like me? Can I love them back? Pay them back? It might be too late!

Trying to summarize stuffs I learn from the steps, starting from step 01 so I can remind myself daily

Listening to Bob D. "Faith without Works is Dead" - I have a spiritual and mental sickness. Whenever I abstain successfully, my brain will think and I will feel in a certain way (physically and emotionally) to drive myself back to relapse. Observation and planning is needed. - My self-will is my judgement. Even when it is good, it still is. I judge myself to be able to do something. But that is just entirely my judgement. Same when I think of others and of the world. I have to be careful: I need to seek help, to ask for assistance from others and to turn my life to my Higher power to save my own life. - Bought a hard of copy of the Big book, will read and write down things I need to live by to practice the steps everyday - a.k.a worrking the steps to save my life. Will take physical note too. Will try not to make it look painful, no book of demons here!

ITAA is Internat and Technology Addict Anonymous. It's a support group that holds meeting using a the 12-steps program and sponsorship for recovery. Sort of like us gamequitters but using an old book and with weekly Zoom meetings. I celebrate 60 days by overeating then going to bed early. Yeah, I'm planning to get a group of friends to celebrate with me on 90 days. I will do something for gamequitters as well, will need ideas. It will be one of the best days of my life! 😄

Hang in there man. Why don't you take it easy, abstain for just 01 day then go back for fresh perspectives?

Heard something wonderful out of ITAA meet yesterday: When I was living on my self-will, everything I got boiled down to things I got because I HAD to do things/ to work/ to bend over backwards to get them. Or I got them because I am "lucky". But living by the guide of my higher power allows me to see that I'm not invincible - that a lot of people help me, sympathize for me, and support me. It allows me gratitude, the chance to appreciate the people around me. I learn to love my parents truly by accepting my powerlessness, that this life I live is from them, because of them and to most degree for them. And I pray to higher power everyday for them to be healthy. I know I dipped into my bottom lines again but let this be a reminder that I have made progress. I am on my way to be a better person for my family and myself.