Pochatok

Am 100% struggling to get these in as dailies- perhaps that's unrealistic, given that I already have a personal blog, journaling, two trackers, and other forms of writing. It can be helpful to highlight my thinkfeelings and learning from a post-addiction perspective here. So, I'll keep coming here whenever it feels appropriate. -- Last couple of days, struggled w/ loneliness. After seeing a new-made friend for a bit, I realized how much I crave in-person connection. Just genuine, loving connection is such a big need. When I am away from people, it gets numbed. When I am around, it skyrockets. With that, my replacement coping mechanisms have also been growing- I am overall isolating more (talking less to friends virtually), am engaging in more sexualized dehumanization (i.e. porn), and find my self-esteem dropping (lack of social validation from others...). This is most definitely unsustainable and even dangerous to my wellbeing. I need friends that are nearby, even if that's hard to admit. Yes, I'm fine- but I can be so much happier. So, an ask of my immediate self: start meeting people who I can access w/ ease. For now, commit to 1 social event w/in 15 minutes of travel from my house/week.

Nah, gotta say it's all perception. The qualities within yourself you call "beta" or "shortcomings" can be your brightest elements to others. Healthy Gamer (so many videos to choose from!) and Pop Culture Detective both have wonderful videos on that. @Dark I appreciate you advocating for me! I did use "self-shame", but not as a status/identity, rather a behavior. From what I notice on this forum about your, Sniper, messages, is a lack of self-compassion. That is not a critique against your identity- you're a uniquely beautiful/imperfect/weird person like everyone else ❤️ I do, however, want to treat yourself w/ more kindness, because I want you to be happy.

Ouch! Are you training safely? When I was taking boxing lessons, I thought it was normal to get sore/bleedy fists, and nearly landed myself in serious arthritis (scar tissue and damaged bones healing improperly and leading to loss of movement/agility in hand).

I will continue to suggest that you stop self-deprecating. you're not being kind to yourself, and there is a lot of self-shaming. have you considered learning the practice of self-compassion/mindfullness?

disagree! kind people (imo, the people i actually would want to date) will not give a damn about how fit i am. they'll like me because i am a good person- and same for you! i think that by going to dates when you're "fit", you're setting yourself up for forming relationships w/ people who will primarily value you for your appearance, and not your personality. yes, being conventionally attractive helps w/ breaking the ice, but it's absolutely not a roadblock towards romantic relationships.

Oopsies! A whole three days w/out any accountability. Do not want to step back into such apathy again. 2/14-15: missed 2/16: awaking: no alarm- waking up towards 7, past sunrise, but get out quickly exercising: excellent- missed the morning session, but had a profound afternoon journaling: enough- missed morning, but caught up on afternoon and evening sessions planning: enough- but, my apathy made all planning meaningless connecting: enough- chatted w/ friends near and far, and made an effort to reach deeper empathy passion: not enough- apathy learning: not enough- missed on spanish, didn't hit that many books; however, educated myself on plenty of important topics: more nuanced perspectives on russia-ukraine war reading: not enough- minimum evening reading, no books DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - a lot of mindless "learning" that really is just unguided exposure to news. not helpful - tv shows- only meaningful when i approach them w/ intent, not w/ escapist itching oh also, i did try a new cinnamon rolls recipe- more learning!

Oh, I phrased my question poorly- apologies! What I meant is, how do you know that your appearance was the reason she acted impatiently/rushed? Also yes- love that attitude! We're all doing our best 🙂

What do you mean by "not bring thoughts" and that "she calls and writes daily"? Are you using learning as a method of avoidance from internal unease, and is your now-friend still chatting w/ you? For the 1st question, a concern; for the second- am just curious. Oh, since we're on relationships: gotta pitch you "Just Break Up", the relationship advice podcast that changed my life (not an understatement- I have never had relationships as wonderful as I have now, and it would have never happened w/out the podcast). Po

Imo, before attempting another failure-prone task (aka full of learning), I would work through having a more positive outlook on yourself and your (cap)abilities. Without a strong sense of confidence (aka less insecure), it is so, so hard to move through the 90-day detox. I was only able to quit games once I no longer was looking down upon myself. You definitely can and will succeed regardless, but it was a much more difficult road for me- attempting to do my best when I saw myself as lesser.

Imo, this is a self-deprecating compliment: you bring yourself down to bring someone else up. How do you see compliments like that yourself? Curious, how did you know if was because you're short/not confining yourself to contemporary beauty standards? That seems really harsch. Po

Hey, feel free to share more- at the moment, I can only empathize, and would love to be more supportive- why did you (both) decide to end your romantic relationship? What do you mean by "friends"? But also, no pressure- I know these ain't easy things to feel and share. I'm glad you're still finding gratitude in this uneasy relationship shift.

Yet another day. Feeling more strings attached to my yesterday's self- struggling to aspire onwards. Let's work through that once I am done w/ this! ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: on time! alarm hit off, I took a couple minutes but got up quickly exercising: enough- morning movement, and then some walking troughout the day journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in planning: not enough- a lot of time lost throughout the day to a sense of uncertainty connecting: enough- responded to some voice messages, met a few people focus session (FS) 1: very brief, in the evening FS2: n/a FS3: n/a FS4: n/a learning - morning: on russian feminist movements- quite fascinating - spanish: missed! reading-1 - evening: reading-2 - n/a DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - lots of zoning out - lots of "let's relax and do nothing" - skin picking less than avg., but still there - some media forgetfullness- but not much!

Yet another day, grateful to be alive and breathing ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: didn't sleep in, but turned the alarm off- I keep going to bed far later than I would like to, dragging out the evening. I need to prioritize mornings more. They're far more critical than evenings. If I go to bed on time, I'm able to achieve so much more and feel brighter, happier. exercising: plenty- a prolonged leg workout, with some more walking/running during the day journaling: enough- late in the morning, but put the time in planning: some- failed to plan out a few very important tasks, but otherwise a productive, focused day connecting: minimum- stayed rather isolated, and did not talk w/ many folks overall focus session (FS) 1: animated plenty- pretty happy w/ how determined I was FS2: animated some more! got the 2nd idea started, yay FS3: n/a FS4: n/a learning - morning: on my homeland, geopolitics, and comlicated history of revolutions and coups in eastern european region - afternoon: 2 online learning sessions on current global wars, plus cop city in atlanta webinar reading-1 - morning: on climate justice reading-2 - evening: on climate justice, some more DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - lots of picking - social media- especially discord - some rabbit hole dives- wanting to suddenly search something, and then spiraling for 10-20 minutes on tangents - very weak desire for sexualization- did not listen, but still was distracted by.

Ashamed of taking far too long today to get "real" work in. I've been learning and working through a myriad of important tasks all day, but only now, 11 hours after getting out of bed, am I beginning the work on my passions.

A new day, a new me- yet again! ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: slept in slightly exercising: enough- good morning session + brief evening gym visit journaling: a bit in the morning, but not sufficient planning: insufficient again, though I was able to fill my evening w/ purpose connecting: didn't meet new people, didn't quite connect w/ those around me focus session (FS) 1: pushed all the way to evening, but some good work made- was able to write a story + 1st animated shot FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - early morning: podcast on discipline, purpose, meaning- no new ideas, but if felt nice to hear them rephrased by a different voice - early morning: short video on importance of emotional intelligence; felt good to have my values reaffirmed, as I already practice much of what the video preached - morning: learned more about demographics of different us states- the more i know, the more i am confused... - evening: watched an essay on importance of 2d animation, was quite meaningful to see that reading-1 - fiction: flipped through some pages of known work; need to start a new one asap- the current one is dragging me out! reading-2 - none DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - after work, struggled to get back in focus and resolved to pornography; first relapse in 3-ish weeks, but i want to do better than that! - plenty of distractions for news/video game development. i don't want to indulge in this- only engage in meaningful content

I try to combine both- when I encounter someone I'm jealous of, if the situation is appropriate, I try to follow-up my admiration/celebration of their successes with a "can I ask a question"? And if they're up for sharing some of the wisdom that got them to where they are, that in itself helps me feel happier for them- because I see not only the result, but the work and luck that got them here.

Hey! I'd say that this sense of jealousy can be quite productive- I get that from friends all the time. They share how AMAZING their day has been, and I'm over here, thinking about nothing but sleep. First thing, I share how I feel to those friends from a place of admiration: rather than saying "I'm jealous of...", I say "I admire that ___". Jealousy and admiration are quite close- imo, jealousy = admiration + insecurity. Second, I tend to look deeper into what exactly I'm feeling insecure about- knowing that they are having an AMAZING day, what is bothering me? Is it that my day isn't well, and I'm grieving? Or that I feel like my day cannot be as good, and I'm feeling "less than"? Or that something particular that happened for them today is quite desirable? I would keep sitting with this? Where does your sense of worth comes from? Who assigns it to you? Where would you want your sense of self worth to come from? many of those questions i was only able to answer once i accepted my uniqueness, that i'm weird and different and cannot (and don't really want to) fit 90% of societal expectations. i suggest working through that, too- there are many resources, from therapy to podcasts on self-acceptance/self-exploration. DM me if you want any suggestions! ❤️

Another day, another me! How'd I do yesterday? ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: on time! exercising: plenty- walked around the city, up hill, and had a thorough lower body exercise journaling: plenty- throuhgout the day planning: insufficient- evening was very slow and unfocused as I had not set any aspirations for it connecting: plenty, met some people, presented myself strongly focus session (FS) 1: none, no time again- though could have allocated time in the morning/evening! FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - breakfast: learned about alexathymia- not to self-diagnose, but the connections between emotional openess and childhood isolation are helpful! reading-1 - non-fiction: while on the train, read through good 20-30 pages of a critique essay. hard to follow, but well-structured thought reading-2 - fiction: a bit before bed, though re-reading what I already know, rather than moving into new works DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - plenty of picking my skin - distraction w/ small tasks rather than large aspirations - "learning" that was really me flying all over the place, searching for entertainment

Still lagging and distracted, but approaching a far more grounded lifestyle! last week in one sentence: disorganized aspirations CHANGE IN FORMAT So, I am now moving to a personal blog site (here!) for weekly updates, and this will be a more casual daily tracker. I'm 80% done with setting up my "new lifestyle", the aspiration toward which can be found in the blog. So, let's check the daily (I will be updating this every morning): ROUTINE TRACKINGS: awaking: late, quick exercising: enough, but a lot of sitting down journaling: minimum in the morning, didn't reflect much throughout the day planning: plenty. proud of how much I was able to put together for my future vision connecting: minimum, responded to a couple friends but so much more i wish i had the time to share focus session (FS) 1: none today, no time FS2: nope FS3: nope FS4: nope learning - at lunch: watched "stalking for love" and "the lesbian gaze" video essays. i am grateful for being granted awareness of the unquestioned, quiet, but incredibly harmful discourse that media perpetrates, and for being provided better alternatives- for both my own behaviors, and media choices - spanish: none today, but downloaded/purchased necessary learning material, yay! reading-1 - spanish: n/a - non-fiction: 30min session- learning about limitations of current environmental movements reading-2 - fiction: n/a DISRUPTION TRACKINGS: - newsbrowsing- got lost in memes and things that are interesting, but not important.blocked the news site - eating poorly- very narrow nutrients; no veggies or protein. missing veggies, meats, dairy, softer foods - picking my face a lot at the end of the day- mistake, mistake! quit it. get rid of my mirror - overall passivity- i am observant, but not proactive. my communication skills are close to exceptional, but my presence is lacking. i am not the leader i want to be.

Hey! I'm sorry your height has been used against you in such dehumanizing ways. Your height doesn't define you, and neither is it a disadvantage in any way. In high school, I was stuck in a similar mindset- I'd work out 7 days a week, non-stop, to make up for the sources of my social insecurities- poor knowledge of English, social anxiety, acne, etc. . But none of that helped- like video games, it was another way to escape, rather than unpack my insecurities. Confidence can only be built-up by addressing insecurities. To "make up" for an insecurity by building up confidence in another area of your lifestyle is a dangerous path. I was very lucky to have my insecurities stripped away when I entered college- people loved me for who I was, and I began to accept myself as is, too. I hope you can find a community like that for yourself- those who don't see your height as making you any less of a person. Cuz that's the truth, and I'm sorry other people around you are so embedded in their own insecurities that they have a need to bring you down. ❤️

I am concerned that you're setting yourself up for a more insidious type of bullying by embracing another set of stereotypes about men of color. I hope you'll be able to find a space/community where you don't need to exchange racialized bullying for sexual stereotyping. I'm sorry that your peers feel threatened by your skin color to an extent that causes them to bully you. Yes, none of this proves who you are, but it does limit how other people see you, which is damn awful. Was bullied for my dark[er] skin tone as well- but I also was very lucky to have my parents move to a place where my skintone became the average and nobody cared anymore. ❤️

Have you thought of doing calisthenics/weight-free exercises? I've never had a gym membership, just exercise outdoors/in my room.

Wow, that's a huge change in your (and more than yours!) life- excited for you to navigate it!!!!

Ashamed of waking up slowly, and not truly getting intentional with my day until 1-2hours after waking up. I want to live fully, not in haze. Tomorrow, will make sure to put my alarm away from the bed. Have also purchased a separate alarm clock, to not need the phone by bed. Will make sure to set intention first think in the morning by keeping sticky notes next to the bed, to write on as soon as I'm awake.

Ahem, I got a great resource for you!