Pochatok

Ashamed of waking up slowly, and not truly getting intentional with my day until 1-2hours after waking up. I want to live fully, not in haze. Tomorrow, will make sure to put my alarm away from the bed. Have also purchased a separate alarm clock, to not need the phone by bed. Will make sure to set intention first think in the morning by keeping sticky notes next to the bed, to write on as soon as I'm awake.

Ahem, I got a great resource for you!

Time management has been a struggle. But I'm committed to building better, slowly. last week in one sentence: motivational rollercoaster Let's Reflect: This is gone. I am back towards being preoccupied by the broader movements of life, of others' wellbeing, and of my own. It feels good to feel urgency from sensing the world change, the present slip away, rather than from watching the clock. Been exercising connecting w/ my past and future self more frequently. My current pathway towards exceptionality seems to be compassion and grief + future self imagining + presence + determination. When those four are intertwined, I am at my highest. Other than that, it has been a strong yet disorienting week. I am a lot more determined, yet action has been stalling (as with this journal entry...). I am passionate, yet habits are not being built. I am courageous, yet insecurities leak through. I am determined to build better, higher, but I am missing a solid, determined plant and am wallowing in shallow waters as a result. So, let's plan! Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits: - just one: rebuild a habit network that sets me on fire. This month, that has been brought to shambles, and I am yet to rebuild. I am happy with my spirit, but frustrated with the efforts and their tempo. goals (50days- by March): Journal daily Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day Meditate 20mins/day Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion stop picking my skin be up by, not with sunrise ✅ done already: - local service -> 4 different organizations, yay - reading daily -> at least an hour/day, yay - keeping a tracker -> daily habit - reflecting here every week -> w/ delays, but consistent 🔺 need effort: - meditating -> weekly goal of 7 sessions - worldbuilding -> weekly goal of 2 animations - writing -> weekly goal of 2 essays - daily journaling -> journaling 7 times 🏹 ambitions: - write a paragraph every day for my book - read 3 books/month - take 30 photos/month So, no more concrete goals- strong systems that will amount to surplus of achievements, I think. It seems that creating concrete deadlines for truly grand projects is just unrealistic. Let things fall into place on their own, with no expectation- but create systems that will GURANTEE creation of grand projects within 100 days. With this, onwards! Thank you to all who read my entries, and who share their own thinkfeelings on this forum- you inspire me every day.

So glad you're looking at it through the perspective of learning! I'm glad that you can acknowledge, too, that some of what made this exam difficult was out of your control- you did your best! Best of luck preparing, I hope that your efforts will be rewarded next time!

Would you want to expand on this? What are your concerns for DND?

Feeling ashamed of accepting "feeling tired" and not cultivating ambition/desire to do better. Yesterday, most of my day was spent in that hazy state of "relaxed". Today, already an hour lost to this feeling. To work through this, I am re-structuring my routine: begin the day w/ something deeply inspiring, not grief-provoking. Grief is key to my passion, but it can be immobilizing.

Hey! So sorry this happened- how are you feeling about this? How do you want to move forward through this experience?

Back to Tuesday reflections, yay! Last week in a few words: a slow death Let's Reflect: Moved paced that, finally. But not into a place of passion- rather, anticipation. I know what I want to live a fully purposeful life, and a lot of it is internal- being present, acting with intent, taking courageous action every day... And also, it's about who I am helping with my work: right now, it's a bunch of rich people. I am not helping people in need much, if barely. I want to be of use where my hands are needed. This still rings true, and in combination w/ the desire to be of use to people who I believe will benefit most from my whole being... I feel quite lost- it's hard to look broadly with aspirations that are aimed at the immediate. When the point is to simply get started, my reach is inherently limited. I know that I want to reach millions, but how do I accomplish that from where I am? My immediate aspirations are so far out from that. And w/ this dilemma unsolvable, I have been feeling stressed. This unmovable object has encouraged isolation and anxiety within me- I've been feeling more acute of time's limitations, but not in that I am, broadly speaking, gonna die. Rather, the anxiety of having a meeting scheduled tomorrow, of knowing that I won't have all the time in the day. To keep reminding myself that now is all I got is the only way. Stop expecting that more time in the future is the solution; tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Those meetings are only challenging me to be my best self. Hopefully, life is long and I get to make it all the way through to the top of my aspirations; but regardless, today is all I got. I still want to fly- but it's not something that will happen; I either leap into the sky now, or never in particular. Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): The above is a continued revision of my goals, with edits from this week in italics. Below is a recap of the edits: - I no longer want a stable income, but to not need an income at all. I want to work for free, because so often what I do is reserved for very, very privileged few. The audiences I want to work with will likely not provide- so how do I serve them while sustaining myself? - I want to interconnect my education/direct action and the worldbuilding/burning efforts. For my visions to be the subject of my students, and for the classroom discussions to influence what worlds I envision. This would be an incredible synergy to achieve. goals (50days- by March): Journal daily Worldbuild [...] 30mins/day Meditate 20mins/day Reflect weekly here - treat this as a personal blog; write w/ passion Keep a daily tracker 1hr of learning through reading 3-5hrs of local service per week stop picking my skin be up by, not with sunrise Most of these are achieved (those in bold are not) - service is slow to kick in, but I've signed up for numerous opportunities and am active. So, let's set some more: Publish my academia- work through it. It was a January goal, and I am still nowhere near moving past it. It's not a big public thing, but to have it be reviewed and finalized is simply an important act in its own. It will help me narrow down my direction for worldburning efforts. Share my worldbuilding online- it's past time of passive learning. With February kicking in, I need to start creating an audience. If I want to work for free, I need to have a community willing to take care of me. Again, just two goals, but they're huge- the former has been in the words for last 5 months, and the latter has been a struggle for far longer. They're existentially-critical aims, achieving which is unimaginable! That's all for this week- it's been challenging, but my determination to life fully, with a sense of joy, satisfaction, and purpose is as present as ever. Just need to let it channel through.

Feel ashamed of giving up my capacity to care and grieve in the last couple of days. That's literally the reason I have not been feeling passion, now I realize. Well, onwards- to caring, compassion, love for all the suffering being experienced in this moment, beyond the walls of my comforts.

Hi Ado! Do you intend to quit games entirely in the future, or are you aiming for moderation? Beyond "seeing the backlog", do you have other motivators for NOT starting new games?

Circling back to Tuesday reflections, slowly. This week in a few words: cathartic failures everywhere. Let's Reflect: Still true. I feel like I'm continuing to be more kind and loving and graceful with myself. And with that, comes more rest. And with that, comes boredom. And with that- realization that I'm still not living a life that feels truly purposeful. Why bother writing? Why bother doing these monumental projects? Sure, I care for a better job/community/environment, and will continue to hold up my routines solely because those things matter. But the grander system of dreams is lacking. I can make up these incredible goals and aspirations for all sorts of accomplishments, but none of them matter beyond admiration. And not to neglect social status- it matters! But, an internal drive is lacking. And, I'm done picking up others' purpose- it just doesn't last. I keep reading book after book on these awesome people whose energy is infectious. But, I don't stay sick for long, and routines turn monochromatic again. This week, I've been isolating myself from inspiring and exciting works- because they simply trip me into running further. I want to fly. Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): The above are from last week, with edits in italics. 6MO ULTIMATES: Live the most purpose-full life I've ever lived Practice collaboration, organizing, and leadership on a daily basis- no more lone wolfing Channel the world through me daily- meditate, ponder, get lost within the environment goals (50days- by March): In bold are those I am yet to act on; those in italics are successfully integrated. The rest are a WIP. I want to push myself to excellence, but I keep landing in complacency. No more. Yes, I want purpose- but it is built on a disciplined lifestyle. Reflecting under warm blankets is giving me no better answers than artmaking; the latter has more interpersonal impact, though. Some things I want to let go of before next reflection. Picking my face- quit it! become invested in facial care. Sleeping in/waking late/going to bed late -> strive for purpose. When all else fails, discipline of habit MUST hold me up. Thank you for journeying alongside- I hope this entry brought you something to reflect on ❤️

I'm not sure what you mean by "staying positive". Most of my day is not positive whatsoever; I actually struggle with feeling joy and satisfaction. A word to describe a good day for me is rather "purposeful"- I'm living in alignment with my dreams and values, and though that rarely feels good/positive, it feels meaningful. What purpose are you striving for? Once you reach 75kg and quit games- what's next?

Brief reflection on a frustrating Sunday: Lost an hour to "lunch", but so much of it was a mixture of rest and work. The two cannot be mixed together. I cannot attempt to take in pleasure while also undertaking goal-oriented efforts. For me, to act in a goal-oriented manner is to act beyond what I immediately desire. Eating amazingly-tasting food, on the other hand, is the opposite. Doing both at the same time is so exhausting- and so, for the last hour-ish, I've been in a draining limbo. I achieved little, because I didn't make space to prioritize my thoughts and intentions. I feel like going on a walk for 10, 20, maybe 30 minutes. Nothing frustrates and self-shames me more than moments like this, where a failure to be honest and transparent to myself results in painful mistakes. No more. I want no more of this- the actions of the person I was 30mins ago are hurting exponentially in the present; I feel so much jealousy towards my future self- he is healed, rested, at peace.

A second one today! Ashamed of denying myself comfort and pleasure for their own sake. I failed to relax and nourish myself, as the goal wasn't to feel good (about myself), but to perform better at an activity as a result of rest. There is some hypocrisy involved, and I did not need to go through these experience- my gut was waving red flags in all the instances. Oh, this hurts like decade-long trauma: silencing my deeper feelings through creating an excuse to rest, either because I actually don't want to rest, or because I'm not engaging with rest in a nourishing way. Here's to learning.

Feeling ashamed of not living by my values: "take direct action to make the world a better place". Reading "Berlin" by Jason Lutes, which conveys individual journeys of people w/ different levels of awareness and understanding of the world around them- which is 1920s-30s Germany... It's devastating to see that it was so obvious, in hindsight, that an apocalypse was unveiling real-time. And many knew, even then, but none acted, none acted enough. "Berlin" has been making me feel guilty at the very least, of not using my own privileges to act on what I believe to be injustice, but instead sit behind a glass wall w/ my cup of tea, like the willfully ignorant protagonist... Shame moves change, or so I want to believe.

Personally, prefer to imagine asking my future self questions: what would you want me to do right now? Imagining yourself a role-model 24/7 is unsustainable- I end up doing what I think others want me to do, rather than what want for myself. Idealizing myself into some godly figure isn't realistic either- I'm the imperfect self, and it's important to remember that. By imagining my future self- who I believe loves me and cares for me, just like how I love and care for my past iterations of myself -I get to ask the question of "what to do/be right now" from a place of compassion and understanding. And yes, if only more people lived by such principles ❣️

A few days late- what an incredible week, after week, after week! So much change is happening, I am filled with reflections and a growing desire for engaging w/ "my world". Let's Reflect: Still true- though I now acknowledge how that is only possible when I am within the space called "home". Last weekend, a friend visited, whose mode of living is so disruptive to mine... It was an amazing time, but I over-compromised my own routines, and that brought a lot of pain. Not following through on these two resolutions- posture keeps falling through, and I've not been journaling every day. Lots of reflection, but not as much structured thought. Especially at the most crucial time of the day- mornings. This week has been complex- rebuilding from the devastating time w/ my friend, reconsidering my passions (another loop in the spiral), and yet beginning to live differently- with more love, local engagement, and deeper awareness of and alignment to my core values. Let's set goals! aspirations (10, 5, 3, 1/2 years): These still ring true. Let's complicate! 🌠 10Y ULTIMATE: be a critical contributor to international liberation movements- climate/social/racial/gender justice, etc.. This includes: having international level of influence with my being - my plain existence, thoughts, looks making an impact international influence w/ my worldbuilding and (imagining radically different futures) worldburning (imagining the destruction of current infrastructures of power) international influence with my direct education efforts- empowering individuals and communities 🌟 5Y ULTIMATE: become an worldbuilder acclaimed specifically for/by international liberation movements my work empowers people to action my work influences the scope of imagination/possibilities of radically different futures my work challenges the limitations of current imaginative industries- film, video games, etc. ⭐ 3Y ULTIMATE: verticalize the horizontal impact of my work achieved so far generate exceptional horizontal change (local community work, 1:1 mentorships, etc.- no impact beyond a 100 mile radius) unify my areas of impact- create interdependence between my creative, educational, and discourse efforts develop non-hierarchizing methods of verticalizing my impact - spread my influence globally, on local levels 🎇 6MO ULTIMATE: to be (able to afford to be) surrounded predominantly by activities, people, and spaces that empower me to connect and align myself with my values. sustain myself financially through an area of passion- creative, education, discourse bridge access to nourishing spaces, people, and activities in my routine living guarantee daily involvement with local justice/liberation movements- support my immediate communities goals (50days- by March): All of these ring true, though need elaboration: Essay is not my #1 goal, but a perpetual effort- I'll never stop writing, and will never stop learning. It's a continuous expansion of my awareness and understanding of the world. As such, the deadline is oriented for this upcoming Monday (~ 1 week behind past deadline). The essay will not be complete, but I will be able to submit a complete narrative arc for consideration. Sharing my work is non-essential. Instead, aim at creating good work. Sharing it matters, but less so than excellence at the product. Aiming to be presentable contrasts deeply to targeting exceptionality. Portfolio efforts are most immediate- social media should follow, not precede an exceptional portfolio. So far, most success has been in photography- I recently won an international award , and have been getting client work opportunities. Beyond that, I want to commit to consistent local service- to live by my values, to enrichen my awareness of the world, and to simply be the best person I can be. Goals above are draining. Local service is empowering. habits (immediate): A lot of last week's habits didn't stick b/c of their low relevance: I don't care for music at the moment b/c there's no local engagement. My visual art is not engaged with locally, but I have a robust audience of loved ones and the internet. Meditation is not practiced, but it is important. Some other habits, already practiced: Writing daily for 60-90mins Improving educational/technical abilities of 2D creativities, for 20-40mins/day A few more to let go of: Performing music, in general: I've got no audience that could grow into a local opportunity. Online, I could get a following. But, w/ my current knowledge, there just aren't any opportunities to educate. If I can't share my knowledge, I don't want to nourish it. Same principle also lets go of: at-home artmaking and interacting w/ entertainment (I'm not writing reviews, still- if I were, I would). Don't learn what I can't apply; every interaction w/ the world is learning. Thank you for reading! Hope this inspires you to live your best life ❤️

Good luck w/ working through pornography addiction! Has been such a long-winded journey for me, I've only arrived at what feels like true liberation from that addiction... a couple months ago?.. And, what I meant in prior message: my aim is to get myself to stop w/ the very first impulse towards addictive behavior. Right now, I tend to fall through the rabbit hole for some time before stopping myself; I hope to be able to say "no" before I even consider jumping down. Let me know if this doesn't make sense!!!

Oh, essentially most of my "personal" time between age of 10 and 20... Best of luck working through that, it may be a long journey, but every step forward is a breath of fresher air. What has been helpful to you in terms of working through this feeling of being stuck, or do you not yet have a strategy?

Haha not rude at all, reciprocation is such an ingrained societal expectation, but there is a lot of joy (for me) in just listening. I have been doing art since Middle school- just something I was "good" at, but nothing unique. I've come to value art more in college, and though my biggest passion is now education, I care a lot about all things artistic. Though, my passion for creation actually lies in a disdain/critique of the industry- I am so frustrated at mainstream movies/tv shows/animation and the entertainment industry at large. It's stagnating, imagination in crisis, perpetually failing to envision worlds that stand up, rather than reinforce today's problems. I want to challenge that. And animation, in particular, is something that impacts me more than any other medium, emotionally. I cry literally every time I watch something animated, lol. Hope this helps! Thank you for asking, I appreciate it so much ❤️

Hey! So sorry you have not been feeling well, and that so many systemic and personal issues have all come together (as it often happens). Your frustration is so valid, and so are the ways you are angry at your job, family, housing... Recently, I finished reading "The Future Is Disabled", which was a very comforting book for me. Though I am not disabled or diagnosed as neurodivergent, I simply don't function like a lot of people do. That book validated and resonated with so many of my experiences of being misunderstood, excluded, unaccepted. Have you considered moving for a community rather than a job? At my first-ever job, I am discovering how little, too, I care for the work I do, but so much more about where I live and whom I connect with. My current job isn't the right people, and the surrounding community isn't cutting it either. I don't care where I'll go next career-wise, but I know I want a community that sees me, at work AND at home. Good to hear from you, Po

Just wanted to share here, if you use Chrome, "Undistraced" is a magnificent extension that cuts down a lot of content/distractions on social media. Use if for both FB and YouTube, and at this point I have literally no bingewatching/scrolling problems.

So frustratingly true in my experience, too- the number of taps simply gives me reconsider the decision, but doesn't change it for me. What I currently am aiming for is being able to make the decision I truly want for myself- "not today" -with the very first tap, the very first impulse. If you want more helpful distractions, try something that gets you learning, not only entertaining. Documentaries, movies on topics/places/people you care for, etc. . That's how I get myself to enjoy any entertainment form- combining it with education. Helps me take breaks and be engaged with the content in a way that feels meaningful! Po

I hear you! It was the same for me- I'd struggle most w/ relapsing when new content updates would come out for whatever games I used to play. Eventually, I built up enough life beyond gaming to tell myself, "this is very exciting, but it's still not worth my time". So glad that you're reflecting on this ahead of time ❤️

Hey Pete, welcome to Gamequitters! I'm sorry you're finding gaming to be damaging your social life- I faced a similar issue. My core reason for quitting was the feeling of missing out on social life, especially w/ my romantic partner, whom I'd ignore/avoid while gaming. Best of luck unpacking your relationship w/ games and finding empowerment in that process! So excited to follow you along. Po