Pochatok

Day 143. Felt like journaling again because I have been very unproductive so far and it's getting out of hand. Spent ten minutes watching game trailers just now. I've also spent about 30 minutes just relaxing, but I did not intend to do it for that long, and honestly shouldn't have- 20 was the initial goal, and I went about 10 minutes overboard. Though I am on break, I want to keep some sort of discipline and stay motivated and excited for things that I am passionate about. Break is both for me to get rest and also to learn and do things I am not able to do during school time. Here are some things I have been doing: 1. Learning and playing Volleyball. Played an amazing game yesterday, where I was the youngest AND the least experienced/skilled player by far. It was so fun, despite the fact that I barely contributed to my team- I've scored 1 point myself and have lost at least 10. But, I learned so much! 2. Bettering my practice habits with trombone. This one needs more improvement- I am not doing super well lately, and have been not feeling super motivated during my practice routines. I think that I am not super engaged with what I am learning. I should try either trying out composing again, or start a music instagram where I could post stuff to keep myself engaged. 3. Bettering my exercise routine. I still can improve my goals here, too, but so far I've learned exercises to deal with my back injury (they've been very helpful), and am in the process of exploring calisthenics. 4. Improving myself artistically. Same thing- I need more concrete goals, visions, deadlines, and such to stay more motivated to keep making progress. I have been learning for about 20-30 minutes every day, but I need to do more to meet my career goals. But, I don't really have concrete career goals oops- should set those too! 5. Hmmmm, I think those are the main 4. They're more than enough for me at the moment, too. Here are some things I would want to learn in the future: Learning 2D animation on procreate (debating to pay for an online class for this atm) Learning sound design and composition Learning to cook better Main issues with motivation and passion from the points above: I don't have concrete goals for some of my activities. Setting them always helps- I am learning volleyball faster than ever thanks to knowing exactly what I want to improve and why. Ahhh my serves have sucked so badly yesterday... I should rewrite and remind myself of these goals frequently. Looking not only for inspiration but for solid learning opportunities is important too- I need to track my improvement and be able to see it in order for the activity to feel more rewarding Being more consistent- I should set some daily goals to simply build the habit of practicing learning. Ultimately, consisten learning will lead to improvement. Woah, this was highly helpful. Very glad to have taken the time to complete this. Will proceed to set goals now!

Gotta love this one, yes haha 🙂 I feel very grateful for this too

Ooo, never heard of this before, but looks interesting! I'm simply using Ableton Live + Massive Native Instruments since I could get them fairly cheap a few years ago. I have only produced a couple recordings and a few unfinished compositions using those two, but hope to carve out more time and money for composition in the future. I think that working as a video game composer could be one of my dream jobs haha. I feel you- I've had to cut out so many triggers too! I have a long web-block list of very specific YouTube searches on Cold Turkey haha. But ultimately, reminding myself of why I want to have a life without gaming and really getting deeper with those thoughts helps me deal best with cravings. What about you?

Day 140 (only 3 more weeks to break my previous streak!). I have been reading a lot of video game composer interviews, and that is itching my urges. I do think that, sometime in the longer-term future (no earlier than this summer haha), I'd like to compose for video games; that will involve me playing games, most likely. But at the moment, I am doing other things, and they have nothing to do with video games. Gaming would serve no purpose in my life at the moment. Journaling Things have been doing fine. I've been working a lot on both art and music, and it's been a challenging but very rewarding learning process. Excited for what's to come, given that it has only been 2/6 weeks of my break so far. Being at home offers me a nice mix of household responsibilities to water down my own projects. Besides some usual family tension and just all the perks and cons of living poor (which again reminds me of how priviliged I am to be attending one of my state's more expensive universities), I've been feeling much better compared to last week. What's still bumming me is that my partner is rather the opposite; they are not having a good time at home. I am sad that I cannot offer all that much support and have to wait until Christmas to see them. Hopefully they will be able to learn to cope with their struggles more efficiently. Oh, totally forgot about Volleyball- I've found a few places to play/practice at and will be going out in a couple hours. Super excited (but also there is a bit of negativity attached to volleyball now- since I am treating it more seriously it is no longer a "just for fun" activity, I must seek progress -_-). Good things from last week I attended my very first "pro" Jazz Jam and did pretty poorly at it haha. However, I did not let that get in my head too much and have worked hard to improve! Hope to be able to go and play again tonight... I've been exercising more regularly than usual, and it feels really nice to be so in touch with my body. School doesn't allow that, really Almost every night, I've been going to bed earlier and earlier. Two weeks ago I was waking up at 8:30 the earliest, today my alarm rang at 7:30. If I'll keep going the same route, I should be able to start my day around 6:45 😃 Bad things from last week: Though I've happily rediscovered my childhood hobby of gunpla, it's been taking up way too much of my time, especially right before I go to bed -_- Family can still be stressing me out at times, and I find it difficult to connect with my sister, which is a bummer 😞 I still have the habit of pushing undesirable/difficult tasks into "tomorrow"; though I have been working on it, it's still present\ I think that this is all! Next week I will review my wellness tracker again hehe, excited to see what has changed during the month of November. Stay well, kind reader! Po

Congrats on the one month mark, that's a huge achievement! Hope that you'll be able to keep this pace up for a couple more months hehe 🙂

Hi! Happy to hear that you're doing well and continuing your detox 🙂 Hope that the rest of December will match the positive energy of November for you!

Hmm, I agree with your perspective on this a lot, this is very good insight that I will use to apply these to my own experiences and situations~ Thank you so much for sharing!

Oh my goodness congrats!!! I know how much and how long you've been studying for it, this is such an awesome achievement. Hope you'll be able to celebrate in some way 🙂

Yes, this is definitely a problem for me too haha. I am not really focusing on the issue itself, but rather find a way to tone it down by doing something else. I have been trying to address this issue more lately by journaling and developing more concrete strategies, but I don't think I am doing enough yet. Thank you for reminding me about this! Hmmm, I think I am overall familiar with this pattern of thinking- I also think that something is trying to "trick" me into playing, but rather than it being Mara, it's my addicted stoopid brain. However, this coping strategy is new- I'll try it out! I'm not super sure what compassion and self-soothing means for you, but I think I know what I'll do. Awhhh thank you so much! Though I am actually not very active here, I really appreciate your input on this forum! Your entries are helping me- and others- resolve our addictions.

Day 131. Getting closer to beating my previous streak. If I manage to get through the entire break with no gaming, I will be close to 170 days, and once school starts it will be a no-brainer. Some things that might challenge my ability to get there: Some of the video games I am interested in are having releases during the break, duh. Holiday season! I am on break and have less things scheduled by others for me (classes, work, etc.). Less things are "mandatory" Being at home triggers memories of previous relapses- a year ago at this time I was still playing, and two years ago... uh ewwww don't event want to think about it! I am away from my partner and a lot of other responsibilities and interests too- social interactions, volleyball, music, and classwork is all gone at the moment. What I am doing to challenge those issues: In general, staying away from getting invested in those games: Keep my social media usage to a minimum, and avoid doing activities that increase my interest in playing rather than simply the game itself, like checking out detailed playthroughs and/or reviews of the games. Continue to journal here, perhaps twice a week, to remind myself why I do not want to game. Lately, I've been in the mindset of "I shouldn't" more than "I don't want to" Schedule my day more! Already have started that to some capacity, and need to simply keep my to-do list full and active. Remember the bad memories, duh. Thinking of how much I also struggled during those "good" times helps me remember why I am different now. Create a schedule for myself! Make a musical goal, and create a schedule to achieve it Join a volleyball club- already am on the lookout for places to go to, but nothing found yet Make a list of things I want to "learn"- as if I am in class! Perhaps, I could get ahead on some school reading, or just take notes and quiz myself on a personal topic of interest. Reach out to friends and write letters to others 🙂 I need to make goals regarding my social interactions and that should keep me going. Journaling Since the break started, I've been doing pretty well. I've had a lot of anxiety in the days leading up to my return home- it's not always the best environment for me to relax and have so private time in. However, I feel like if I take better initiative and react to things that happen at home in a more positive way, my- and my family's- wellbeings improve. I'm pretty happy so far. It has not been that way for my partner, sadly- their home environment is extremely toxic and isolating; they are not feeling well and their mental health is diteriorating very quickly (we're less than one week into break...). Hope that I will be able to do more about it in the coming days. Distance sucks. Other stuff So far it's been a lot of relaxation and small tasks, but there are some things I'd like to highlight: 1. I've made an awesome painting. Thanks to continuos feedback from my father, people online, and my resilience, I've been able to create one of my best ones so far despite a 3 month break. Onto the next project- I need to think of what kind of paintings I want to do, what subjects I want to depict... 2. I've been practicing fairly consistently on trombone, but can do more. I still don't have a very stable goal in mind, though find more value in it. Will tinker more on this tomorrow. 3. I'm much more invested in a lot of my hobbies, especially volleyball- I have already seeked out multiple games to attend, and will continue to look for better opportunities. It is such an amazing activity- when I do well, it is incredibly rewarding, motivating, and reassuring. Playing volleyball makes me feel like everything is within my reach- I just need to stretch my hands more and jump higher. Excited! That's about it folks, thank you all for reading and I hope that you'll have a nice week! @pdallair91I appreciate your message and willl reply in some time- I think I need to gather some thoughts first... Po

Hey! It definitely took me a long time to figure out, and partially it was simply due to the fact that my brain was so used to games. Nothing felt as fullfilling or interesting for prolonged periods of time for a while. Even now, sometimes I have trouble getting into things I'm usually passionate about, like music, art, or movement. What helped was to simply challenge myself to stick with an activity that was interesting at least to some extent for 2-3 weeks to see if it would get more rewarding over a longer period of time. Quite a few of them did.

What are you referring to here? I'm really curious.

Thank you! Yes, filling up my schedule already with some hangouts, sports, music and art project, and some other stuff. Hope to figure some of my professional life out, cuz I really gotta start getting all of that together- 3rd year in college and still clueless about what I want to do post-grad.

Day 125. My finals are officially over, and the idea of playing is getting to me- the winter break is long, and there is more opportunity. However, I hope to fill up my day with enough stuff to not think in this direction. Gaming is still not something I desire, and only in very specific circumstances does it actually give me substantial benefits without any side effects. This will be difficult, but I hope to plan everything out in a way that will neglect gaming. Other than that, I am feeling very very tired (finished my last final just a couple hours ago) and will take a nap; journal a bit later. Po

I see your perspective- it's interesting how different we perceivee situations like this! But yes, ultimately I should just do what feels right to me and continue to improve my understanding and knowledge of various social situations like this to address them better.

Yes, does feel that way! Not necessarily year-to-year for me, but definitely month-to month. Tracking daily improvement is kind of meaningless- it's very hard to notice. Thinking with larger leaps of time helps.

Hmmm, I do agree with your last point quite a bit, but it doesn't motivate me enough most of the time lol. These past few months I've discovered that in order for me to fully be interested in something, it has to have a strong purpose in my life- a set of goals, aspirations, and a deep understanding of the subject. Else, I don't feel like it really "matters". There are downsides to this thinking, but it offers some valuable benefits. I think that your thinking process is highly beneficial too, just not for my lazy butt lol. Yeah, the chill pill is really needed in my life lol. I am extremely improvement-focused, and sometimes I forget to sit back and enjoy the process. More of an issue recently, since I have been getting more busy with the school term ending. I'll try to chill more, thank you!

haha, good question! My relationship has been going for about 2 years, and both of us are heavily committed to it. Back when we started, I've quit porn completely without any effort- the relationship was supplying everything porn did, but in a better, healthier way. However, I still had a habit of going on porn sites occasionally, and over time it has gotten worse- especially when I would be physically distanced from my partner or experienced lotsa stress. I've been able to keep this issue fairly low, but never fully quit. About a year ago, due to health complications and just me and my partner changing as people, we've kind of toned down our sexual life. Suprisingly, I feel like there has been little to no long-term downsides to this choice- at the moment, our relationship is stronger than ever before. But, my brain didn't think so for a while- initially, got the impression that I needed more, and for quite some time porn became a much larger issue. Since this summer, I've pretty much completely quitted porn (after spending time what I really want from my life and what role porn has played in my life this whole time etc. etc.). I think that the last time I've actually visited a website on purpose was a couple months ago; there are still other things that I define as porn that are an issue though. Quitting porn addresses some bad habits and makes the world a better place, but I want to be an even better human, and so am trying to quit experiencing anything that stands against my moral values. Hope this answers it!

Can't count how many times I have felt this way about art, too! I think it's a lifelong journey of dealing with frustration- drawing is so complex and deep that the amount of things to learn seems endless. But, I hope that you'll continue to make progress! For me, looking at where I was year ago and how I have improved since often is a good motivator. What do you do to keep yourself interested in art?

Day 117! The last 30 minutes of the day have been very stressful; I've been unable to keep my productivity up, sadly. Time to relax and journal here 🙂 Journaling: Gonna let out some steam, so feel free to skip this lol. I was having dinner with my partner and their friends, and one of them (let's name them Ruby) seemed to be not feeling well. Now, they are younger than me and my partner, and are not yet fully understanding the how-to's of taking care of other people. They asked Ruby just once how they were feeling, and after getting a mild "okay" they proceeded with their own business. I just felt really uncomfortable, because it was difficult to see everyone having a good time BUT Ruby, and noone caring enough to give them a helping hand. Including me- I wish I got up and talked to them for a bit, because I am really not sure what is daunting Ruby. It's upsetting how easily some people can dismiss others' troubles to avoid sacrificing their own good time. People do say that I am too self-less when it comes to resolving issues like this, but I still feel like this could have been handled better. Just texted them, feeling a bit better haha. The simple act of offering help makes all the difference. OTHER THAN THAT, it's been suprisingly awesome! There is something funny I want to talk about... Progress and all that BS Over the last few weeks in my wellbeing tracker, I noticed that there is a continuos decline in most of my areas, like Sleep Exercise and Relationship Quality Yet, a couple areas have been showing very steady improvement... Time management and Working Environment Quality! What's even more interesting, is that I feel like these last couple of weeks have been my most productive ever. I feel very good. So, it is very funny to be seeing an overall decrease in my self-perception when I am feeling like I am doing my best. Hopefully this is not a bad sign; either way, though, I should take better care of my physical health and social activities. Good things from this week: I've quit social media pretty much entirely! I check twitter once or twice a day for about 2 minutes total, and Instagram for 3-4 minutes. Facebook, maybe once a week. I'm making a lot of progress with personal projects. My back injury has been getting better, and I am able to exercise more again. I love being able to move my body around more- getting the back injury, suprisingly, has reminded me how precious my physical wellness is, and how much I value full range movement (and how priviliged I am to have access to that most of the time, too). Bad things from this week: Academics could have been better, iffh. Doing fine, but worried about finals- I am not spending enough time studying. Hope to make some serious improvements soon. My sleep schedule has been improving, but inconsistently. I've also been feeling slightly more distanced from my partner I've gotten quite better with quitting porn, but it has been draining me and affecting me a lot. It's still difficult to comprehend how much of an effect it has had on me all life, and how much there is to unpack and fix. Have an amazing week folks! Thank you all who read this journal, I appreciate your attention and your input 🙂 Po

Ahh, just noticed that I totally missed this reply! I think that I generalize "work" as anything that needs to be done that I am not feeling super passionate about. For the most part, those things are very valuable, like getting better at my campus jobs (which are good resume builders) or doing homework. But, not so many of them are fun in their process- the end goal might be rewarding, but the path there is long and rough. Going home changes the responsibilities I have quite a bit- rather than doing a lot of thinking-heavy tasks, I am more focused on physical and emotional tasks, like walking the dogs, doing dishes, cleaning up the house, and taking care of my siblings. I think it is highly relaxing in smaller quantities as it allows my brain to relax and focus on myself and my immediate surroundings more. I also enjoy doing physical labour-heavy work. However, this was my perspective a few weeks ago. Since then, I've improved my goal setting ability and worked on mindfullness under more stressful conditions, and have been able to enjoy work and be more effective with it more. I still have trouble enjoying it as much as I do my hobbies, but I certainly find the process more rewarding. What about you Ikar?

Hey Patrick! I'm sorry that you're going through so much difficulties right now! I know the frustration and uncertainty that comes from being on the "wrong" end of the system; I hope that you will be able to find a way out eventually. Please keep us updated; not sure how I can help but you never know who are the people reading your journal are 😉 Best, Po

Day 110. So tired, and so much work to do! The last few days have been good, but now I am so tired once again. It's a bit difficult to just get through the day without giving up for a bit. Have been forcing myself to stay productive and avoid poor stress management for the last 3 hours; one hour left until bedtime. Let's keep my posture up and head straight! I'll journal a bit more tomorrow; some interesting things have happened that I'd like to share. Po

Day 103. I've had some stronger urges recently, but they're much weaker now. Something else always comes up, and I keep pushing gaming aside. Hopefully, this will be enough to get me to 200 days without gaming! A random thought: I found an interesting way to describe my experience with gaming as a way to deal with my problems: "Imagine you're falling from a cliff and, in midair, manage to hang on to a branch of a tree to prevent yourself from falling further. Suddenly, you feel pain- the branch has thorns. You want to let go of the branch because it is hurting you, but you're not sure if you'll be able to hang onto anything if you continue falling- it's foggy below you, and you can't see much. What if you fall down all the way? After awhile, the fog clears up, and you can see more branches to hang on to down below. You let go and continue falling, since you will bleed out if you continue to hang on. As you continue falling, you now can see that the branches below don't have thorns, and will allow you to gain strength to climb back up over time. " This week: Has gone pretty well! I have been reducing my screentime on social media, finally, and it feels so weird! As if I have hours worth of extra time on my hands, when really all I am doing is not using the phone in the first and last 20 minutes of my day. I feel stronger, and more satisfied with myself. Feels good to finally have control over this habit of mine. Good stuff: I have completed some neat Art Projects. I played Volleyball for 1.5 hours- it was such a blast, I learned a lot. Hope to improve next week. Regular exercise is paying off- I can finally do a one arm chin up. I think I should focus more on doing it properly, injury-free now, cuz it be ouch sometimes. Bad stuff: Not being super time effecient. I need to push myself to do some things faster. I am super productive, but my efficiency is low. I am definitely breaking my iPad. The keyboard is bareky functioning, iPad is having some freezes here and there. Should stop dropping it maybe? Losing a lot of hair for some reason. The last time I washed it, there were 30-50 hairs in the drain. I am not sure why 😞 That's all for now, thank you for reading 🙂 Hope that today you will feel better, Po

Ahhh your journal entries are a goldmine of useful information I never though I'd need. Thank you so much for doing this research and sharing it here!